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Letters to Nowhere

Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Just me Posted by Hello

It's not my fault

I get up in the morning, and, when I can remember, I check this site to see if there is anything I must respond to. Usually, the original owner of this blog is uniformly succinct, and doesn't often say anything that is provocative. That is, if it is, I usually address it to her when I get her alone(metaphorically).

I just wanted to add that my earliest memory is playing in a kids pedal car in the hospital when I was three. I was having my tonsils out. I told her that I couldn't really remember my best memory, but I do remember the time that I flew a kite when I was eleven or so. Just about couldn't get it down from the sky; it was so high. Had to solicit the help of three other kids to retrieve it.

Anyways, it's too early for me to be even remotely as eloquent as my love. I'd like to repeat my request to you out there to please send your earliest or favourite memory.

Be well.


Today's program has been brought to you by the letter M.
Anyone singing Barbara Streisand will be shot.. BTW. Too Damn early for that lol

Have you ever sat back and thought about the fact that at some point the grunts working in the basement of your brain had to decide which memory to keep and which one to purge? I can practically see them down there... "OK, for todays selection.. Here we have the names of our old school teachers. The other choice for disposal is this... Cockroach trivia.. So, get your votes ready.. which stays and which goes?... The votes are in guys.. Cockroach trivia STAYS.. say goodbye to your old teachers.. *flush*"

This of course was brought to my attention by a discussion I had with.. who?.. say it with me.. come on.. I know you know... Les! Yay, you got it right. You are hereby entitled to one "get off of the shitlist" free card. (yeah I'm in a bit of a mood this morning LOL) Anyway, where the hell was this going.. I've forgotten lol

Oh yes.. memories. We started talking about the things that we remember and the things that have been forgotten as we've gotten older. I have lots of odd memories of my childhood. Most of them are weird little fragments that I didn't think were all that special at the time.

I often wonder what my son will be able to remember of his youth when he gets into his 30's 40's 50's. What will be the odd little thing that he and I do that will stick with him after he's forgotten about the time we didn't have power, or that he didn't get the new game he wanted? I know for me I don't remember that kinda stuff.

My earliest memories:

I was 2 if not younger. I was wearing a diaper that I do know. I had climbed up the back of the couch and was standing in the window sill looking out the window at traffic. (Something I've confirmed with dad I loved to do) The curtain was closed behind me and I was being quiet. All of the sudden my dad rips the curtain back and starts tickling me....

I remember my 3rd birthday cake. It was yellow cake with chocolate icing and the candle was shaped like the number 3.

My best childhood memory:

I was about 6 maybe 7. A little background... I'm from Jacksonville Florida, there is this little park in the "Riverside" section of town. Boone Park.. gods, I loved it as a kid. They had all the usual slides, swings, and stuff but they also had these large concrete animals for some of the letters.. There was a huge camel for the letter "C", a turtle for the letter "T" etc. And in one area they had this semi circle of a concrete wall about 5 feet tall that had cut outs in it and was supposed to look like swiss cheese. Whenever they raked they would put the pine straw (pine needles) in the middle of the semi circle. Dad and I had many a pine straw fight in there. Great stuff.. but anyway.

One day dad took me to the park, he'd been promising he would take me that day. We got there and the place was PACKED!! So many kids that I couldn't even slide, swing or anything. I was pretty upset. My dad (did I ever tell you he was a great dad lol) packed us back in the truck and we went home. We went to sleep that afternoon and got back up about 1 AM. We went back to the park, we had it to ourselves.. and we played, we played till the sun came up. Swinging with dad pushing me.. pushing me so high he was able to run up under me while I was swinging.. chasing each other with the pine straw... trying to see-saw with him (didn't work well lol)...

Yes, that is probably my best childhood memory. It seems to sum up all the things dad sacrificed for me.. the fact he never lied to me.. and always kept his promises if at all humanly possible.

So.. it's show and tell time kids! What is your best/earliest memory? Really.. I wanna know!!

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Quizz Ho

Damn you Rae.. I was supposed to get stuff done today.. but NOOOOO you had to show me quizzes.

biblical You Are a Biblical Shoutout!
What Sex Sound Are *You*?
shhhh.. no one was supposed to know.

Your soul is OPEN-MINDED.
Although you do havestrong opinions and make decisions, you nevermake them without thinking first of not only everything that is, but those that may not be as well. People trust that you'll willingly hear them out and understand when they tell you something, and you are well-liked for it. You are often the mediator in disputes and your desire to do what is right overcomes all else. You are an understanding and admirable soul.

What Is Your Soul's Trait?

The Shrink is IN! Next!


Your Sex Sign is Cancer!

You're a total pleaser.
One sample of your touch, and anyone is hooked.
You're so good that you've gotten people off just with your incredible kissing.
You're a bit of a romantic, and you only have sex that's meaningful.

Cancer, you are a born pleaser.
Few people can resist your passionate, playful allure.
An incurable romantic, you adore being courted.
You'll do anything for a lover that sends you flowers or love tokens.

You like lots of cuddling, touching, and kissing.
You are a celebrated kisser.
You also like to touch and fondle yourself.
Typically, you learned to give yourself pleasure at a very young age.
As an adult, you are easily aroused and multi-orgasmic.
Mutual masturbation is very satisfying for you.

You are extremely aware of your sexual attraction.
You telegraph your sensuality with every move you make.
You have the most communicative body language of any sign.

You are very emotional, and you constantly need an emotional outlet.

Frequent sex seems to calm you down.
But you are old fashioned, and a quickie is not your style.
You prefer long, slow seductions, erotic masasages, and lots of oral sex.

What's Your Sex Sign?? 

Curves Ahead 

Your Sign Is: Curves Ahead
You've got a lot of sex appeal, but you don't overplay it.
You know you're hot. And you don't have to prove it to anyone else.
Instead of being the center of attention, you tend to lure your crush away from the crowd.
It's hard work to get with you - but you are worth the effort.

What's Your Street Sign?


Not too much of note happened today. And, that is a good thing considering how much seems to have been going on lately in my life. My son gave me a good moment of anxiety tonight.

He was over at my land lord's house. (They are like family. Hell, they take him with them to vacation in Florida for a week every year. He goes to all the family outings etc w/ them. He's another grandkid for them.)

While he was rooting around in Harold's junk drawer he found a pair of handcuffs they got from one of their family members. The family member was sheriff here some time ago. Anyway, my son manages to cuff himself. Then when he goes to ask Harold to let him out, they don't have a key.

He comes running over here so I can fix it, because I'm SUPERMOM, in his mind anyway. I can do anything. Well, after trying to grease him up and slide out didn't work, I tried to pick the lock w/ no success. I was really starting to worry we'd have to go to the sheriff's office to get them off. Of course, I'd be trying to explain the whole time that they were NOT mine.. which no one would believe I'm sure. My son is freaking. He's afraid if we go to the sheriff's office with him in handcuffs they are "gonna think I'm a bank robber and put me in jail". I explain that they wouldn't put him in jail, since he hasn't broken any big laws. (He has this fascination with bank robbers right now, I don't know why.)

After a more careful examination of the cuffs I realized I could probably just take the pin out of the hinge. So, out comes the toolbox. Awl? Check! Hammer? Check! One hysterical kid? Check! Well, I have everything I need it seems. After explaining to him what I'm going to do and assuring him I will NOT hit his hand we are ready to go. It took about 10 mins to free him. (start theme music) SUPERMOM SUCCEEDS AGAIN OVER IMPOSSIBLE ODDS! (end theme music)

It's great that my son is still at the age where I know everything, can make any hurt feel better, my hugs and kisses can cure fevers, and he still wants to cuddle up, tickle, wrestle and chase each other around and around the house. God, I love being a mom.. 'specially super mom. LOL


 Posted by Hello

If I could do that....

  Posted by Hello

Monday, June 28, 2004

Sloth Xing

Ever have those mornings?

I got plenty of sleep last night, Seven hours, woo hoo! But, I'm still utterly exhausted this morning. I feel like I was beaten with a brick while I was sleeping. I've got a crick in my neck and my right shoulder is stiff. Oh, well.. it's Monday, what more can I expect? lol

I still don't have water this morning. My water went out last night about 10ish. My landlord was working on it when I went to bed. Thank the gods for baby wipes. At least I'll be able to take a "PTA bath".

Damn, I'm tired this morning. I don't remember waking up in the night, bad dreams, or anything that would explain this. I've had 2 cups of coffee and a smoke and I'm still all but dozing off in my chair. Well, now that I think about it.. I did get my monthly visit from Aunt Flo.. maybe it's her fault. Oh well.. I'm going to get up and try to get dressed at something close to the speed of mud.

Subjective Time

Well, I just finished chatting with Les. We spent an obscene amount of time talking to each other today. How much time you ask? .. we were way past offensive and into really vulgar amounts of time. But not vulgar chat.. so there :p

While we were chatting, we commented on how subjective time is. In the morning, for example, standing in front of the microwave waiting 60 seconds for my first cup of coffee to heat up is an eternity. But, when I'm talking to him, be it on the phone, or on voice chat 60 MINUTES seems to pass in the same amount of time that coffee took this morning.

No matter how long or frequently we speak, I never get bored. In fact he always has something to say that touches me, or sparks some debate, or pushes me to explore, learn and interact in some way.

So you wanna know what we talked about? Here's a few of todays topics, in no particular order... (drum roll please)

1. Some girl's picture someone emailed me
2. His family and how the visit went
3. My dietary requirements due to my surgery
4. How you can use a paper towel to blot the top of pizza and cut the fat by 25%
5. The fact that GA is a screwed up state ex. Anal and oral sex were just legalized here a few years ago
6. Do you put paper on public toilet seats before you sit (aka the butt gasket)
7. Cost vs benefits of regulated vaccinations for kids
8. The fact that only 1 in 4 women can orgasm from sexual intercourse alone
9. Straight vs Curly debate about my hair (if I brush it dry it will be more or less straight.. let it dry naturally it's curly)
10. The cost of heath insurance here vs there
11. The Vinyl Café
12. Did he have to shave off body hair when he was on the swim team

There were other topics too, but that's what I can think of off the top of my head. God, I love this man. We can, and do, talk about anything. Someone trying to follow our conversations would have to dodge and weave more than an offensive linebacker in the final game of the superbowl.

You know the best part! All of our conversations are like this. Yes, every single one. That's why I've said in the past "Talking to Les is like driving down an unknown road. I have no idea where we'll end up.. but I've always loved the scenery". And he worries I'll get bored with him... silly wabbit Trix are for kids.. You, however, are for me. I love you, you've enlightened and enlivened my life.

(after thought... I am assuming you have Trix breakfast cereal there)
Ok. I'm going to bed. Yall come back now, ya hear!

Sunday, June 27, 2004

I hate laundry month

It is, surprise surprise, starting to storm here. I hear ominous thunder and the wind is picking up. Now given my luck w/ water and electricity/lightning lately I'm starting to get paranoid. As Ergo said maybe those church folks are having an impact lol.

So, what have I done with my day. As of now not too much, I've put up my laundry, went shopping for creamer and pizza (spent $60 how the hell does it go so damn quickly), and I'm going to go wash up my late lunch dishes in a few minutes. (Oh and I just got kicked offline..so the storm is definitely on the way. Damn I hate living in po-dunk Georgia) I've still got to sweep the floors and play go-fish with the kid.

I'm going to head off to do that stuff now. You know that I am disguised as a responsible adult. Blogg at you later.

Saturday, June 26, 2004

Meeting the Daughter

I dislike discussing things that impact other people's lives publicly.. but in this respect it overlaps my own. So I'm going to very carefully avoid names in this post. I hope you don't get confused with all the pronouns. I'm sure none of what is hear will be news to any of you that know the two of us well. But, I'm always as careful as I can be not to betray confidences. That's one reason I almost never use names in my bloggs. And re-reading the following I don't believe I did. So onward!

I was able to meet my beau's 15 yr old daughter today (virtually meet anyway). She is a very pretty young woman. She favors her mother greatly. She seemed, in the short time I spoke with her, very self assured and intelligent. Just what I'd expect from a child of that union.

When I mentioned that she looked like her mom, she asked me if I knew her mother. I explained that yes, I knew her from chat when she and I used to be on very frequently. And that in fact, it was her mom that vouched for her dad when he and I first started chatting. That he was a good guy. That he was was not going to be some "show me the tits" creep, and was relatively safe to chat with. I didn't use these words in italics w/ the daughter but you ladies know what I mean, we've all vouched for someone once or twice when a reg was asking for references.. She mulled that over for a few minutes and said "That's just weird." I can understand her view of that.

However, I didn't start talking with this man with any notion we'd end up with the emotional attachment we now have. We connected well. I've chatted intermittently with him for over a year. Just recently has it become serious. In the beginning, we talked alot about books, art, sciences.. very academic things. He was involved with someone, that I also knew from online and we (she and I, and he and I) occasionally talked about him/her/them. Though nothing graphic or too personal was said by either party. (For which I am now grateful) I was somewhat in the middle of things when the relationship went south. I commiserated with both. Gave advise to both. Considered both good friends. And I wished the best for both. (And NO I didn't have any feelings for him at the time other than that of a friend, a platonic friend at that)

After they split I lost touch with him for quite some time. She and I continued to pm.. we'd talk about what went wrong, why it didn't work, had I heard from him etc. I missed the intellectual outlet he provided me. So, she and I talked about him from time to time. (Yes, he knows this btw. I've often wondered if he's ever disconcerted that I had that kind of relationship w/ her. And I hope she doesn't feel betrayed by me, or that I was using her) So, indirectly, I was learning alot about him though I never thought it would "matter" to me on a personal level.

Wow, I've strayed from the "I met his daughter" topic this was supposed to be. (Bad brain.. Bad brain.. NO SOUP FOR YOU!) No surprise to you, faithful reader, I'm sure. LOL Anyway, Her mother seems to have done a wonderful job with her, not to down play "dad's" role either. She seems to have a pretty good grip on life (considering she's 15). We talked about my son, her little brother, her bf, her dad and mom, a little of everything in a fairly short period of time. All things considered.. Two thumbs up dad and mom, you should be proud! But, I know you already are.

It's electrifying # 2

I think something may be out to get me. LOL Water and/or electricity. I've had nothing but trouble with both of them for the last 2 wks. Last night, I was talking to a friend when I heard this noise. It sounded like my cat was peeing on the floor. I turned around and my 35 gallon hex fish tank had sprung a leak. Oh shit!!! I have this pretty arc of water pouring out onto the floor. I ran to my son's room dumped out one of the 25 gallon storage bins he uses as a toy box. Put it under the leak and start siphoning out the water to prevent the pressure loss from causing the tank to shatter.

Once I'd gotten all but the last 4 or 5 inches of water out I lugged the bucket to the sliding glass door to dump it out. It was way too heavy for me to lift. (Did you know water weighs 8 pounds per gallon?) As I was tilting the bucket and water started to pour out the door (and on my hand I was using to steady the front of the bucket) the heat lamp from the lizard's cage fell into the bucket.. the lamp that was plugged in and turned on. I had an electrifying night to say the least. I think thats the first time I've screamed like a little girl since I was a little girl LOL. I'm just proud I didn't wet myself. LOL

No real damage thankfully. The lamp is dead.. I'll have to replace it.. I'll have to repair the fish tank.. And I was fine. Though I did have a good case of the shakes/muscle spasms for the next hour or so.

On a more positive note, while my son and I were out yesterday we saw a double rainbow! He was stunned in that way that only young kids can be. Jaw hanging open, looked like he was trying to catch flies lol. We talked about what might be at the end of a rainbow. He still favors the pot of gold theory. (BTW Les, he wants to tell you about it.. so mums the word)

I just got back from dropping him off at the church. They are going to Wild Adventures. It's a combination of a zoo and amusement park. He will get back about 8:30 or 9 pm tonight. I hope they keep the sunscreen on him. It's a small group of 10 kids 4 adults so I'm sure it will be fine.

I never did get to sleep last night. I was bored but not tired after I got finished chatting w/ Les and then the room. Started fooling around w/ some of my electronic stuff (tempting fate I'm sure). As I was downloading pix of my son off my digital camera, it occurred to me I'd never used the delay feature. So, I ended up taking a picture of myself to see how it worked. Wow, even at 5 AM I'm a pretty good looking chick LOL. I ended up taking 45 pix to get 12 I liked. It's hard when you can't see what you look like, are you in the frame, etc. Anyway, one of them is below.

After my picture taking experiment, I browsed E-Bay for Black Amethyst glass. Oh, and Les if you check Ebay.com instead of Ebay Canada there is beau coup BA glass. I enjoyed a good hour browsing and wishing lol. Most of it is fairly affordable. I was somewhat surprised at just how affordable some pieces were. I saw a bud vase identical to one that I own sell for $45. The small fluted plate I own went for $6. Funny how the price can be so different. Supply and demand.

Oh well, I think I've rambled long enough. It's now 8:15 am. I'm going to go make myself some grits and (Rae close your eyes) bacon. Love y'all. >:D<

Friday, June 25, 2004

3rd person dreaming

My dreams are always vivid and very detailed, usually disturbing and uncomfortable for one reason or another. This has been a bit less true recently, as I dream of my beau fairly often. Some of those dreams have not been happy dreams. They have been, in the past, mildly violent or emotionally devistating, but that is a minority where he's concerned now. We've gotten to know each other better, steadily, day by day, and I've come to trust him.

I've had a week of very late nights with little sleep, so I was tired when I got home today. (No Les, that is not all your fault either. I'm having trouble sleeping again) I sent him a few offlines and pm'd briefly with him before I gave in and laid down on the sofa for a nap. Here is my dream of the day... Yes, I dream in 3rd person... so what! lol

She steps off the plane 2800 miles from home. The furthest she’s ever been from home before is a few hundred miles. God, she’s nervous. Where‘s the air sickness bag when you need it she jokes to herself. She stops to check her hair and makeup for the hundredth time in the last hour.
She loves him.. Now, she just has to meet him. Not for the first time she asks herself what the hell she’s doing here.. Is she crazy? What if he doesn’t like her in person? Ha.. She knows that is a very remote possibility. She stops in the jet way again, other passengers jostling, and pushing past. Fighting to regain some iota of composure. She knows this is ridiculous. She knows this man, loves this man, believes in this man. It helps to think he’s probably having this same mental battle.
The next hundred feet may change her life. No pressure or anything! “Get moving girl” she whispers to herself. “He’s out there waiting, worried, scanning the faces”. As she finally steps into the terminal proper another wave of panic rushes over her. He can probably see her. What’s he thinking? She quickly looks over the waiting people.. She looks past him before it registers.. Swinging her eyes back to him she feels the knot in her stomach twist just a bit tighter. His face is unreadable at this distance and her step falters. This is it.. for good or ill. There is no going back to the way things were between them yesterday. This both terrifies and exhilarates her. She starts forward again. He looks just as she knew he would, small differences are there, but nothing surprising or disappointing. He stands stiffly, formally, as she approaches, a smile blooming on her face. She can sense him relax a bit with relief as her smile flourishes and eases the lines of stress on her face.
Suddenly, she is there standing before him. She shrugs out of the strap of her carry on bag. Close enough to touch him. One step further and she reaches out her hand and places it on his chest.. “I can’t believe it” She laughs nervously, “I’m actually touching you”. He folds her into his embrace. And suddenly, It is ok. Most of the apprehension and doubt that she’s been consumed by for the last 13 hours leaves her. This is the man she’s come to know and love. It’s going to be fine. Looking up at him she’s relieved to see his eyes soften, to see emotion. Emotion for her. His hand closes over hers and he brings it to his lips, bending almost formally over it before placing his lips to it. “How was the trip” he asks. She says the first thing that comes to mind, “Stressful and long, lets get the luggage, I’ve seen enough of airports to last me awhile”.
“I’m glad you came. It’s wonderful to see you, to have you here with me.” He says.
“So, am I. And thank you” she manages.
She takes his hand, and they begin walking passing people but seeing no one but each other. She is suddenly hit by an all but overwhelming desire to pull him into a near by corner and kiss him. Slowly, thoroughly, tentatively at first, tasting him, exploring his mouth, a kiss to make the world stand still. The only thing that stops her is the knowledge that she would likely be so weak kneed that she would sink to the ground. Just thinking about it, brings blood to her face, and warmth spreads from her belly. She must have missed his last question, he’s looking at her quizzically. She blushes under his gaze, and stammers some inane response to the last thing she remembers hearing him say. She quickly glances up at him and sees the small knowing smile playing on his lips. She feels as if he has read her very thoughts. Blushing even more strongly she cant stop the next thought “That’s the same small smile I’ll see soon.. Probably in the morning.. The smile that says “I know what you taste like, I’ve heard you cry out my name”. The walk to the luggage carousel is a kind of slow hell. Her mind refuses to let go of the image of his lips on her. She can feel the seam of her jeans rubbing her. That sensitive saddle of flesh is suddenly more plump and she is aware of her sexuality in a way that is both unsettling and rewarding. She wonders if he’s having the same inner battle she is. Even her hand and fingers, entwined in his, seem more sensitive.. She can feel his thumb caressing the back of her hand.
They talk of minor, inconsequential things as they find and retrieve her luggage. She is loath to release his hand. Breaking that physical connection causes some small pain. Gods, how long has she wanted to be with him, to touch him, hear his voice. She can’t get enough of him. They talk about nothing that matters. Almost as if they are saving the important things, denying the pleasure of hearing the words they’ve spoken so often when they were apart. They talk about the weather, the trip, how his drive was, where they want to go and what they want to see, what her son will be doing while she‘s gone. She is suddenly all too aware of the vicious speed of the passing time. It’s working against her already. She has 7 days. Seven days.. It seems far too short to say the things she wants, to hear the things she longs too. Seven days to make up for time they’ve ached for each other in the past. Seven days to build memories that will have to make due when they long for each other in the future.

And that ladies and gents is where I woke up. Damn, I've got it bad dont I? lol See, even I can be sappy ;) Oh well.. what will be, will be.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004


(aka Red can compromise)

Most people that know me wouldn't think I was the "craft-y" type. In reality I'm not. I started doing all the foo-foo crafts to save my father's sanity, possibly his marriage.

Dad was a single father in a time that was all but unheard of. He had full custody of me from the time I was 3. When I was 12, he remarried. Linda aka the step-monster aka the bitch. Linda and I did not get along well. In the beginning it was ok. As I got in the 13-14 yr old range we'd developed a love/hate relationship. We LOVED to hate each other.

Dad loved her very much, but I was his world. I could see the bitterness, fighting, and snide remarks that Linda and I were so fond of lobbing back and forth like some poison tennis ball were tearing him in two. I would complain about Linda to him.. Linda would complain about me. After a few really ugly years, I decided I was better than that. I could let it go. So, I set about trying to find a common ground for Linda and I.

Linda: Hmm.. She was a clean freak, I never saw her with out makeup that I can remember, she did all the "womanly" crafts. Sewing, crochet, cross stitch, plastic canvas (anyone remember that?), all that crap. It was what she did every night while watching TV. When we weren't planning the next ambush on each other that was.

Eventually, I bit the bullet and asked her to teach me. It was the safe haven. We could sit side by side and watch TV and have something in common. I could ask her opinion and not feel compelled to mock it. Crafts and needlework saved my dad. For the first two weeks after we started doing crafts together dad would come into the front door and stare! Was this the right house? Were his daughter and his wife actually sitting next to each other and having polite conversation? He was shocked.. Started calling us "his crafty ladies". I still think he was fully aware of the double interpretation in that sentence. How crazy is that? Sure they had problems that all married couples do.. But I was the super nova that constantly threated to engulf the world.

I've actually come to appreciate crafts. Heck, I think I've done almost everything at one time or another. I do it obsessively for awhile and then move on to another. My teachers always thought it was due to my being "gifted". I think I just got bored after awhile.. I'm really not a crafty type. Linda did needlework primarily. I like the messy ones best. Candle making, paper making, odd and unusual crafts, like Tamari balls (Japanese embroidery balls, quite beautiful), shrinky dinks, and Tye Dye.

I really like Tye Dye, but I have to be in the mood for it. That one takes some time, and care to do well. I made my first Tye-Dye shirt several years ago and still have it. I recently remembered tye dye after I fractured my ankle and wasn't able to get around well enough to do the out doors things my son and I love. We made 4 that first batch, 2 for him 2 for me. I still had plenty of dye left over and made plans to make some more. So, I just got done doing another 4. Three for me, one for (if it turns out well) my beau.

Everyone in this backwoods GA has always looked at me oddly when I wore my shirts out and about. I went to Walmart last night to get another pack of shirts for myself and one for him. What did I see on my way to the T's.. 3 racks of Tye Dye T shirts. $15.99 each. LMAO I looked through them for ideas.. but heck I make more creative ones than that now! LOL And, I make them for about $2.50 each. All told the 4 shirts I made tonight took me an hour and a half to pattern (one was a bit difficult) and then dye. They are individually wrapped in plastic bags mellowing in my kitchen sink as we speak. In the morning I'll rinse out the excess dye.. chuck them in the washer and dryer and have my latest creation!

So, see.. I can back down from a fight. I can compromise. It almost killed me though! (an aside.. a friend at work work told me today I was a Master debater.. I thought my boss was going to have a coronary.. He thought Lee said I was a masturbator LOL)

Rain, Rain,

 go away, come again another day!

Guess what? It's raining.. woo hoo. Ok really now. It's rained everyday for almost 2 weeks. Last night about 8 PM a tree fell across the power lines a few miles away.. so guess what? No power, oh goody! I hope you can feel the sarcasm oozing out over here.

I called the power company and they told me it may be the morning before we would have power.. GRRRRR So, I ended up calling my beau for a bit last night. I'd gotten out the oil lamps so at least I wasn't in the dark, but I was bored. I didn't feel like reading anymore. In truth I was feeling out of sorts for not having talked to him. Thankfully, the power came back on about 1 AM startling me.

I went to sleep at 3 AM, woke up at 6 AM, a full hour before the alarm went off. It was a good dream. I didn't mind missing the hour of sleep.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

nothing to scratch but the surface

I am so damn tired of rain! Not, just rain but thunderstorms. Now that I've had a close call with lightening it kinda freaks me out a bit. I'm sure as time passes I'll be less nervous. But, damn! It's starting up here again. Oh well.

I tried to chat today.. I say tried because every time I was in the room for more than a minute I was getting booted. Screw it! There wasn't anyone in there I couldn't live without talking to anyway. Monette was ghosting, Garg was ghosting, Panda was in there and talking w/ me a bit. Other than that there was only 2 other people in there, guys I didn't know, had never seen before. Hell, it could be my backwoods connection. I don't know.

Les, if I cant stay connected tonight I will probably call you this evening. Hope you don't mind.

OK I'm getting off here for a bit. The storm is raging.


G'morning all.. This morning is not as trying as my last "ugh its morning post". I slept well. Had GREAT dreams! (Les, I hope you evening wasn't to late and that you had a good restful sleep)

A few thoughts on last nights post.

I got home looking like a drowned rat and ran inside to change. I had 45 mins before my son was due at vacation bible school. I dressing in ALL BLACK! I was thinking, There's no DAMN way I'm getting embarrassed like that at the church.

My beau pointed out that the mental image of dripping wet, clothes clinging Red was at pretty umm stimulating mental image. Now, in retrospect yeah, it probably was pretty erotic. Hell, if truth be told.. I probably would have ogled me. But, I would have done it more respectfully. Hmm, can you leer respectively? I digress, at the time cold, wet, uncomfortable, and fighting my skirt which was not only wet but crawling upward w/ every step, I didn't feel the least attractive, sexy or appealing.. I felt murderous. LOL

While I was at the church one of the "elders" I guess would be the right word, asked why I didn't attend church. Ugh.. why ask these things? I told him (for simplicities sake) that I was an Atheist. He was a bit taken aback, and then thanked me for being open minded enough to let my son attend their vacation bible school, and staying to eat dinner with them. No pressure, no "sales pitch", I do like this bunch of folks. However, their beliefs are not mine. Ah, but tonight will be the test. Will I suddenly find that we are boxed in by attentive "christians" at dinner? I certainly hope not! (Reminds me of a bumper-sticker I once saw.. God, please save me from your followers!)

Blogg at you later, I gotta get ready for work. Hugs and kisses. Hope your day is effortless, and rewarding!

Monday, June 21, 2004

Men vs Boys

What kind of asses are we, as parents, raising anyway!

Ok So, I had a presentation to do today at work. I get up this morning and dress carefully. Cream blouse, brown and cream skirt, hose, pumps, makeup, hair all that crap (I did look pretty nice, if I must say so myself. lol And, my presentation went well. I'm pleased. It's going to be a good day.. I just know it!

Just before I get off work it starts raining.. Really pouring down. Great I don't have an umbrella and I'm parked in the nose bleed section at work. Think Walmart at Christmas. Hell, I almost need hiking boots to get to my car lol. So, I step out of the building and am instantly drenched. I have a vague notion of people walking in front of me, because my head is turned down. The cream blouse disappears under its soaking and I'm crossing my arms over my chest. One of the three men (I use this term loosely not a one of them is over 25) walking directly in front of me, turns back and sees me, all but naked, shirt invisible, skirt clinging like a form fitting leech to my legs. He, of course, tells his friends to take a peek..

GREAT!! I'm on display. You know a 6 or 7 minute walk can feel like a mile under these circumstances. They start joking laughing etc, I could happily slay them all and am cursing anything w/ a penis at this point. The man walking in front of them apparently overhears them. He turns back and jogs to me, thrusts his umbrella into my hands and starts taking off his sport coat. He offers me the coat to cover myself and I look up to thank him. It's my Brit friend. I've worked with him off and on for 6 years. He is the perfect British Grandfather type. Probably 65ish, wonderful accent, and so very proper and polite. He takes the time to walk me to my car apologizing the whole way for the "unforgivable behavior of those ruffians".

May the Gods bless the gentleman of the world. So, there is the perfect example of the difference in men and boys. And people wonder why I don't take my own age. LMAO

High School Years

I was reading a friend's Blogg this morning. She talked about how much she missed her old life.. you know the high school years. I spent a few idle moments thinking about alot of the crazy, fun, irresponsible, and utterly impulsive things I did as a kid/teen. Hell, I'm surprised I didn't get myself killed. Yes, I do miss those days from time to time.

But, before you start thinking I'd ever want to go back to the "good ole days", I wouldn't. I've seen/done/learned many, many things in the years since my childhood. I'm a mom, a professional, and homemaker *shudder*. I love who/what I am now. And, you know. I really don't "feel" much different then I did at 18. Sure, there are lines on my face that weren't there then, there are some scars on my body and my heart. There are still mornings I wake up and wonder "Is this it? Is this all I have to look forward too for the rest of my life?"

The answer is NO. As, I wake my son up in the mornings and feel his sleep warmed body hug me, ahhh these are the days I will ultimately miss more than anything I ever did as a teen. When, I talk to the man I love, and we connect, share, hope, and sometimes feel wistful together .. these are the days I will miss.

Ha. You know I'm actually sharing space (even if its just cyber space) with a man again. I invited Les to jump on board here. He is now co-owner to letters to nowhere. Now, if only it was that easy to share space with him in the real world. One quick email and it was done LOL. He probably wont contribute too much in the way of written word, his life is full at the moment, school, job and me, of course.

To those of you that are his friends, and confidants.. If I've taken some/any/most of his time with you away, I'm sorry. I've gotten so used to spending time with him I can't imagine not. I'm going to my fathers this upcoming weekend. Its been far too long since we've seen him. It occurred to me it will be the first time in a long time I wont be able to talk to Les at night. Ack! Whatever will I do! However, the timing is ok. He will have company as well so we probably wouldn't have had much time anyway. Fear not, love.. I'll be thinking of you.

Ok, Im off to the shower. It's Monday morning .. ughh.. must get ready for work.

Sunday, June 20, 2004


Happy Father's Day to the dads out there.

My day has been good. Woke up cleaned up for a bit. Called my dad. Watched "Last Samurai". Very good movie. I really enjoyed it. My son and I watched "Haunted Mansion" last night. I was not impressed. Oh well. Let's see what else did I do today? I went out to dinner with my brother while my son was in vacation bible school. We were almost late going to pick him up, I didn't think about the fact it was Father's Day so the restaurant was packed. I had country fried steak, green beans, corn bread, and mac and cheese.. MMMM Of course 75% of it came home in a box but it was good.

My brother, John, and my son are currently playing the game cube. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I just wish kids came with a volume control. Despite my past concerns about my brother moving 3 miles away, it's really worked out pretty well. My son loves his "uncle John" and John seems to have somewhat benefited from the thought that he is a role model. His outlook and personality have calmed as he's gotten clean ... now we just need to work on sober. You cant buy alcohol on Sunday in the state of Georgia. So, Sunday is a safe day to spend with my brother. I don't have to worry about him drinking around my son.

Saturday, June 19, 2004


Ok I have a subject.. It will not of course stem my meandering and occasionally off shoot thoughts but I DO have a subject!!


As an aside I did try a Guinness tonight. It was interesting.. ha.. off shoots.. crap ok..

I was thinking about nudity today after thinking about a friend that I used to chat w/ very casually a long time ago came online a few days ago and said he had something to show me. So, I turn on his cam and of course it's the crotch cam. Oh, well thank you for the surprise. All I was thinking was "thank the gods my son isn't behind me". And then caught in that "how do I respond" quandary. You don't want to encourage them, but you really don't want to see this either.

There is nothing so annoying as to be surprised by unwanted nudity. And possibly nothing so exciting/frustrating as to want it and to not see/have it. I started thinking about my own views on nudity.

I enjoy the comfort of being naked. I don't get much opportunity to indulge in it since I do have a son. But I do enjoy it when I'm alone. I started thinking about clinical nudity as opposed to meaningful nudity today when I recalled my son's birth. While I was pregnant I was being examined by my doctor when he stated he had an intern and asked my permission for him to watch the exam. I told him I didn't care.. made light of it in fact, saying he could invite the waiting room patients in, if he liked. And you know I wouldn't have cared. Because it wouldn't have mattered. I didn't know these people, I had no attachment to them at all.

Oddly enough it is far easier to expose myself to strangers than to one I care about. I can think of a few reasons for this. I don't really give a damn what the general public think of me, that's not true when it is someone I care about. I have in the past when overcome by depression or low self esteem, gotten dressed up in erotic clothing, used an unknown ID, and danced on cam for strangers. It, at the time, made me feel at bit better. I know none of the compliments where sincere, I know they would have watched the Pillsbury dough boy (assuming it was the PD girl), but it did make me feel better. Even in my search for reassurance I didn't get nude. It's a personal thing for the most part to me. I've never understood the "show it all" crowd. I'd feel cheap and petty and whorish if I was to parade myself naked in front of everyone/anyone. But.. hey thats just me. Then there are female friends that have or are thinking about have gastric bypass surgery and ask me about excess skin. I've gotten nude on cam for several of them to illustrate a point or just to let them have a real factual case to base an opinion on. Still very clinical.

When it comes to nudity with someone I care about that feeling of vulnerability, and not some small amount of self consciousness comes into play. Then, all of the sudden, it matters. What they think of my body, how they will view me as a person after, the self esteem issues I sometimes have, will I excite them, these questions loom large and heavy. This is somewhat more a concern online than it is in person. But believe me, it's not much easier in person. There comes a time, and I know that most women can relate to this.. no matter if your skinny, svelte, rubenesque, or "fat".. there comes a time when you are standing before the man you love.. removing your clothing for the first time.. and your holding that shirt in front of you like an honor guard.. afraid to hold on to it.. afraid to let it drop. When you do let it fall to the floor.. you're praying, desperately praying, that the love, and excitement, and passion in his eyes will still be there after he's had a good look at you. Men are, as we all know, far more visually attuned than women. I've dropped the shirt once or twice and seen the eyes glaze over, and some small piece of me dies. You go thru the motions.. it's expected of you at that point. But, bitterness and self hate taste like cold wet ashes in your mouth. The flip side of that is .. I've dropped the shirt once.. and seen the love, the respect, and the passion flare like a bonfire at dusk. And then.. ah then.. then you feel like anything is possible.. your drunk on the affect you can excite in the man of your dreams. But, its always that age old fear.. the lady or the tiger (to use a cliché).. what will you see when you finally let go and stand there vulnerable, apprehensive, and aching to please.

Now, to clear a few things up before those of you I do know personally read this and start wondering..

Ladies: No, it's not at that point yet w/ him. This really is just me pondering out loud. Hell, it's my journal. And, I find that I can reason a bit better when I write/type things out. LOL

My Love: No, I don't feel in anyway that this is what you are asking of me. I know that were I to never take off a stitch of clothing between now and the time I am there that you would never walk away from us, require it, or in anyway pressure, coerce, insinuate, or demand it of me. So, please don't think I'm feeling like you have overstepped any bounds at all. You've not frightened, hurt or offended me in anything we've ever said to each other.

For the dozen or so people (that I don't know) that seem to have found this site and continue to read it on a regular basis: Thank you for your interest. Don't be afraid to post a comment. I actually like getting them. LOL (though I can say I have never posted a comment on a Blogg unless I knew them personally, so don't feel compelled to either) Damn, am I agreeable or what.

In closing (I started this 6 hours ago and have just now gotten back to finishing it)... My mood is good.. so have no fear to talk to me tonight, my love. I've had a relatively born (ha) day. I rented a few movies.. played w/ James, cleaned a bit.. the usual. Thank you for reading the ramblings of this woman.. I'm not a bit melancholy.. or upset... Rae, Anna, Les.. I love you guys.. I really do :*

Damn Rae.. if people bitch about how long your bloggs are.. well thank the gods they dont read mine LOL

RHPS moment

Oh yeah, Anna, my sweet lotus blossom, you now know my secret passion that I feel for you every morning.. How did you guess? LMAO I laughed out loud at your comments.. Told Les to check it out and got to watch him laughing with me. It was nice, thanks.

I went to bed at 6 am after the usual Friday night "date". I really enjoy our time together. It's always like a drive down an unknown road. I'm never quite sure were we are going to end up. No matter where the road takes us I've always enjoyed the scenery on the way. I don't know what brought it on but I ended up having a RHPS moment. I couldn't find the soundtrack so I ended up putting the movie in, and just listening to it. I made a comment about Tim Curry's legs (thats one good looking man in fishnets) so not to be out done Les sent me a pic of his legs. Wow, the man I love has better legs than I do. Hmm, wonder if I can talk him into a pair of fishnets, pumps, and a corset LMAO. Boy, is that a mental picture! ;)

Ok, enough of that... What's on the agenda today you ask? Well, I think I'm going to do something both thrilling and emotionally gratifying.. aka mop the floor. Ok, its not that thrilling or gratifying, but I find it easier to get motivated if I can at least kid myself it's going to be fun. It doesn't work that well though. Ohhh, don't get me started on the laundry. The flush of pleasure I get from knowing I'm going to have downy fresh clothes is unparalleled. Of course, it may have something to do w/ the spin cycle.. mmmm lol

Good lord, I babble if I don't come here w/ a real subject.
I did mention to my mother that I was going to stop dyeing my hair. The first thing she said was "God, I hope it's not the same color as mine" I agreed!

You know I really really like toast.

And, on that note... be good. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Friday, June 18, 2004

Why I shouldnt blogg in the AM

ugghh.. damn it's early.. i need coffee.. must have coffee..early.. boy thats an ugly word.. Im not a morning person.. don't expect cheerful for at least an hour.. oh and (god help us) if we're ever out of coffee.. well.. then just dont expect cheerful at all.. please tell me your family are not the spring out of bed and seize the day type.. id hate to have to kill any of them.. i really hope you have a medusa fetish.. im quite sure thats what i look like this morning.. ok i just lit my first smoke.. i have a cup of last nights left over coffee in front of me.. it's still luke warm from last night.. the only redeeming factor on this morning is that it's friday morning.. that means i have 2 days coming up where i can indulge in as much of your company as you will allow me. (See you can tell the coffee and smoke combo are working. I was able to come up with indulge and redeeming) i love you, hope your day is superb. I've got to go put clothes on the upper half of my body now. LOL It just occurred to me I have myself totally dressed from the waist down, including shoes, not a stitch do I have on the top half though. Talk to you tonight. *kiss*

Thursday, June 17, 2004

Rambling musings

Whew! It's nice to be home. Work was slow and boring.. a pleasant change from my normal pace and emotional turmoil of late. But, its still nice to be here where I'm comfortable and can bum around in a long t-shirt and panties. My son's not home yet. He went to the lake w/ my mother, her husband, and my brother today. I hope he had fun and isn't too badly sunburned.

I've been giving it some thought and have decided to stop dyeing my hair for awhile. I was a natural strawberry blonde the last time I saw my real hair color. I hated it. I looked pale and washed out. So, I've been dyeing it a medium auburn for over 10yrs now. I'm a bit afraid to find out what color is may be now lol. I've watched my sister's stunning platinum blonde hair turn to dark blonde, and my mother's dark blonde hair turn to that dishwater blonde in the last 10 yrs. Fair warning Les, if it turns out to be mom's color I'll probably start redying it, getting highlights SOMETHING.

I've been doing alot more reading just for the hell of it lately. I'd forgotten how much I enjoy losing myself in a good story. I've finished 4 books in the last week. One of which a friend had given me a long time ago and I just found it. It is "The Pearl". A bit of history on this one... From the title page:

The Pearl was a monthly journal that first appeared in July 1879 in London. Catering to every erotic taste, it flourished until December 1880, when it vanished as mysteriously as it had appeared. Here are all eighteen issues of The Pearl, featuring six serialized novels, lewd short stories, scandalous gossip of the day, letters from lusty readers, and licentious limericks and naughty jokes.

Guess what.. Porn was still porn in the 1800's. The stories covered spanking, bondage, incest, adultery, FF and MM sex.. they were right every taste was covered. LOL It is more stylized than todays erotic stories, mostly due to syntax and the language of the day. Still a very .. umm.. effective read. I recommend it if you find erotic stories of today a bit too crass.

I spent some time in Chat last night. You know I've missed it. I feel a bit on the outside looking in sometimes, but that's to be expected. I've not been there for quite some time. I'm promising myself an hour of chat a night. Some of the people drive me up the wall.. but alot of them I really like. If nothing else my sarcasm needs a better work out than it's been getting as of late!

And with no further ado.
Ten Ways To Annoy The Hell Out Of An Ex

1. Stuff metallic confetti in there.. pack the object tightly in the box to maximize the possibility of it flying everywhere. You cant get that stuff out of carpet!

2. Buy the "kiss my ass" candy hearts. Nothing says it's over like candy that says "Eat Shit", "Fuck Off", "Little Dick" etc

3. Sew Sardines in the hem of their favorite clothing, then give it back to them.

4. Send a dozen dead roses, with an inspirational card!

5. Buy vagina/penis shaped dried pasta and invite them to "eat me one last time"

6. Sell the wedding dress on ebay.. god that was funny!

7. Mail all of their dirty pics to their mom. (I don't recommend this btw, a good friend of mine did it and got sued for emotional distress by his mom)

8. Act nervous, call and tell them the clinic said you really need to "stop spreading the love". Mention that if they start experiencing any leakage or burning they may want to check into it.

9. Sign them up for every E-zine you can find.

10. My personal preference.. Kill them with kindness. Thank them for the valuable lessons you've learned. Wish them well. Be polite. Even if you have to chew your lips off to do it.

Well, ladies and gents, it's that time again. I have to go be productive for awhile.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004


I had an odd childhood in some ways. I was my father's only child, my mother's first of 5. Dad raised me so I was mostly an only child. But, my brothers and sisters have always seemed to be as much my kids as my mother's. With so many kids around at her house I really never got the chance to know my mother until I was an adult. For that matter I still call her by her given name most of the time. However, I'm wandering from the subject at hand.

Kids.. I always wanted children. I'm not a foo foo girly girl, but the maternal instinct has always been strong in me. I have a son who is now 7. He's been a never ending source of frustration, entertainment, love and motivation.

Children can bring out the good or bad in a person. I, thankfully, have been influenced very positively by my son. I can't imagine life without him.. though sometimes I try.. dear god I try lol.

James, my son, was an accident kid. Good bye sex accident kid. Nothing could have been a better accident. Given some of my medical past I was told I probably wouldn't be able to have kids. That's even more true now than it was then. So I'm thankful for him.

The innocence and frank honesty of my son still shocks me. A story that I recently told Les I'll share w/ the rest of you..

Depending on how well you know me, you may or may not know that I'm not overly religious. I don't follow any religion though I've been exposed to the majority either from family or my own curiosity. I do let my son have reasonable exposure to various religions. When he was 5 I let him attend Vacation Bible School.

Picture the scene.. We are driving in rush hour traffic to go to the store to pick up a few last minute things before heading to the church. My son and I are talking about all the odd stuff that boys like.. Bugs, motorcycles, astronauts, cloud shapes. Out of no where my 5 yr old son says "I bet Jesus is having sex with the angels"

Well, ladies and gents, I damn near rear ended the car in front of me. What did you say, I ask calmly. He repeats.. I bet Jesus is having sex with the angels in heaven. OK, so I'm struggling to hide my shock and to keep from laughing like a lunatic. We pull over in the bank parking lot.. I say, "I'm confused, what is sex?" To which he replies, that's when your really, really nice to someone.

I'm literally chewing the inside of my mouth to keep from braying wild peals of laughter at this point. I explained no thats not was sex was .. made it clear that it was a private thing between two people in love and that Jesus was NOT having sex with the angels. EVER..

All, I kept thinking on the way to VBS (while fighting back the snickers that keep rumbling up like aftershocks) was thank the gods he said it BEFORE bible school and not while he was there.

I drop him off at VBS come back home (I know the people there well and trust them). Call my dad and relate the story. We are howling with laughter long distance for at least 20 mins. Every time we'd get ourselves under control the other one would start back up. And when dad laughs you cant help but laugh with him. I think the only thing that stopped us was the ache in our stomaches.

Did I ever tell you I love being a mother?

Saturday, June 12, 2004


According to Webster:
Function: noun, verb
Text: A longing for something that promises enjoyment or satisfaction
Synonyms: appetite, craving, itch, lust, passion, urge, want

Desire. A fairly common word in the English language. It can mean almost any kind of longing. It could be that 3 AM hankering for a slice of left over pizza. It can be used to express longing for that promotion or new outfit. Or.. It can be used to express physical or emotional want of another person.

What makes us desire to be with someone? Is it just a preconditioned and largely instinctual urge to procreate the species? Do we, as women, feel the urge to bond to someone just for protection and security? Is it just the primal lust of men to spread seed far and wide? These theories and many more I've heard from well educated persons. I certainly hope that is not all that's involved in desire and attraction.

See this is the kind of thoughts you get from me when I'm stuck without internet connection. LOL

Why am I pondering the concept of desire? Well, I know a few of you know why. I have, recently, gotten to better know someone that has rekindled desire in me. We've talked casually for probably a year or better. I've always enjoyed very much those informal chats. He's one of the few people that I don't have to watch my vocabulary around. Priceless, in and of, itself! Our ideas have always meshed well, and we've always had a pretty broad range of topics to talk about. Initially, we were both, more or less, in relationships of one kind or another. And in fact, when we started talking regularly again I was in the final stages of a relationship, as well as recovering from a serious illness. I didn't even think of him in a romantic sense. He was my friend, a comfort, an outlet for my sometimes odd way of thinking. So, we talked.. about nothing, about everything. It can be deeply intellectual, about our family lives, music, books, humor all in the same night. Over the last 2 or 3 months there has been a change in my feelings.. and his as well. It has become more. I have a hard time imagining not talking to him, hearing his voice, at least once a day.

Ok so back to desire.. damn I ramble don't I? I have met a man that I find stimulating on every level. Here I am dealing with true desire again. And it's ... disturbing, wonderful, and somewhat mind boggling to me. I have a hard time feeling desirable. I know he thinks I am for which I say, Bless You! *wink* And, I'm fairly certain that he not only desires me.. but *gasp* desires me on more than a sexual whim. I know for me personally this is true about how/why I desire him. It has little (ok maybe not little but still) to do with just sex. If sex was all I needed or wanted I'd not be pondering desire. I know of at least one person locally that has made it more than clear that I can have strings free "servicing" from him anytime I like. Servicing.. like I'm a damn broken down washing machine! He doesn't value me as anything else than a receptacle. Ugh.. That's the last thing I want. In fact he might be a great guy with a great personality. If so, I'll never find out. That one statement alone has negated any possible chance that I'd even try to get to know him. Why bother! (this BTW is Robert's friend, if your wondering, my love) And, I know that my beau feels similarly about sharing of bodies. Sure sex is fun, but there has to be more than just sex, and good looks.

So what, you ask, makes me desire him? It is the complete package. Personality, temperament, moral foundation, commonality, looks, and all the quirks he has. I appreciate deeply that we can talk about the future and it not be just about who/when/where/how of sex. It's about the very real aspects that will be, predominately, more important than the eventual sex. We both have a child, family, friends, jobs, and distance to cover. We both have issues to work on. The give and take of the relationship. These are what we talk about when the future comes up. But... yes, as I'm snuggled down on the couch listening to his voice.. desire visits me again.. I want.. I want.. and again, and again, and again...

It's electrifying

Wow.. Want to talk about exciting. We've had some extreme thunder storms here for most of yesterday and last night. As a general rule I love the awesome power of nature that is exhibited in storms, assuming I'm safely inside you understand.

So, last night I'm on the phone with my love, I excused myself to go to the restroom. Just as I returned and picked up the phone to tell him I was back there is a huge and head splitting pop on the phone. Followed immediately by, what seemed at the time to be, an explosion. I really thought for a moment that I'd died. The sound was that large. In retrospect I'm sure there was some kind of shockwave as well. But, in my deafened and stunned state I really couldn't tell you. After I'd gathered my senses a bit, and some of my hearing returned, I picked up the phone and tried to use it. Nothing.. grrr.. tried to get online, Nothing..

I began to hear people talking and exclaiming outside. So I put on my nightgown and robe and stepped outside. My son and landlady were running over to check on me. After putting all the pieces together it seems we had a lightening strike somewhere in the immediate vicinity of my house. In fact, my phone box outside had exploded.

My beau was, so I'm told, frantic. My phone was busy when he tried to call me. I'm terribly sorry to have worried him. Thank you Anna for being there. I'm sorry he called on the calvary. I'm ok. Really. The phone repair man was not happy about being called out on a Saturday morning. But, hey, that's what he gets paid for. So, I'm back online, and have phone service again.

Les, I love you. To hear the relief in your voice when I came on was touching. Thank you for your concern. I'm glad I mean enough to you that you worried. But, I hate the fact you suffered because of me.

Ok time for responsible mommy duties. Thanks again to everyone.

Friday, June 11, 2004


The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch swing with, never say a word, then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation that you ever had.--Anonymous

I've been thinking alot lately about my friends. I've never been one to make friends easily. And certainly not with women. For much of my life I've had a love/hate relationship with girls/women. Thinking back to the people that I would name a true friends (excluding the last year or so) there is only one female that I've loved and called friend. Most females are too damn petty! It seems, to me, that women are judgmental, shallow and prone to fits of temper than men.

If you asked me to name my friends up to the last year it would go something like this...

James John.. my best friend for many, many years. We got in serious trouble when my dad and his mom saw us going to Gay Day at Disney world. Standing in line with two of the most flaming queens I've ever met. Yep, we were on the news! LMAO In order to get the discounted ticket price you had to wear a red shirt. There we were in RED on the news when our parents saw us. Never mind the fact he was strait as an arrow... Boy, was that hard to explain when we got home 3 days later. God I loved him! (no.. not romantically) Sadly, we lost touch when I moved to GA and he moved to south Florida.

Ken Morris.. Later to be my son's father. We lost touch for good reasons. And I'm not looking forward to seeing him ever again. But thats another story LOL I still miss the friendship.

Joe Davis, Matt Swanhart, Alan Lavalie, Mark Stillwell, Oscar Ramirez (who signed my Sr Yr Book see ya in a few days ya supa bitch) lol see I haven't changed much LMOA Robert, Gary, Les, and many many more.

There is a story to tell about all of these men and boys, the reasons they liked and loved me where never about sex, beauty, or money. They appreciated me. Just for me. They considered me one of the boys. I could be smart. Yes I LIKED MATH.. AND SCIENCE!!! And these men loved that about me as much for my sense of humor, level headedness, and willingness to strike out for the unknown .. just to see what was there.

Women.. ah women. Yes, I love them. But, from time to time I hate them too. I've had a few, very few, close lady friends. But, even then they tend to be the "fair weather" friends. Great as long as the good times are rolling. Maybe its because I was raised by a man. But, I'm not a real good "girly" girl. I don't wear makeup, couldn't care less about a shoe sale, and prefer to be comfortable rather than stylish. So fie on you women! lol.

But... thank the gods for the internet. I've met many women I consider friends here. And I would like to think they see me the same. We don't talk as much as we should I'm sure. But, I like to think they would hear the bad news and support me, just as much as the good. I love them.. for their good, bad, and ugly as much as the beauty I see in them, or the potential, the hopes I have for them.

I've lost touch with many if not most of the good friends in my life over the years. But, they are never far away either. They live and breathe in my memory

Thursday, June 10, 2004

2nd thoughts

I just published my last Blogg.. and sit here struggling within myself as to leave it or delete it. It's not at all a flattering image of myself. However, I think we all know that darkness resides within. The part of us that is bitterly pleased when our ex-loves get divorced, when the golden boy stumbles on stage, or that the prom queen, who used to torment you, now looks like a drag queen. So after much introspection and worry about how the prior Blogg will be received by the one that loves me, I've decided to leave it. Just because it isn't pretty doesn't make it untrue. And as we've discussed, a lie by omission .. is still a lie.

See, even I have fear, guilt, and the occasional compunction about what I post. :}

Dark Thoughts

I'm having a confused emotion kinda day. For many reasons. I went into work today determined to have a good day. Strangely, the desk of my nemesis was empty. Not packed up empty, they just were not there. Now this person has gone out of their way to make my work hours miserable for the last few days. So I was somewhat pleased that they were not there.

Until.. I heard the news. They were in a fairly serious auto accident last night. We are unsure when they will be able to return.

Now, please gentle reader, know this: I am not a vindictive person, or do I hold grudges. However, within the best person there is a deep, dark, dank and secret place. Where things lurk, creep and slither... mercifully unseen. Where our childhood horrors are not only alive, but indeed flourishing, feeding on the hate, bitterness, and envy we feel from time to time. From this muck and mire within myself I heard faint cheering and the occasional "got what they deserved", and high fives. This I found to be a bit alarming. My overriding conscious mind was horrified and inquired about the health and condition of this person. I wish them no ill. In fact, all things considered I can't think of anyone that I would wish this kind of thing on. I hope they are going to be ok. I hope the passengers are ok. However, even as I type these words some monstrous part of my psyche is grinning, exposing teeth like jagged broken razor blades, giving lie to my sympathies.

Complex life.. simple pleasures

Everyone has inside of him a piece of good news. The good news is that you don't know how great you can be! How much you can love! What you can accomplish! And what your potential is!--Anne Frank.

Congrats {insert big hug and kiss here}. I knew it all would pay off. Didn't I tell you that. *wink

Today by comparison of the last two has been bliss. I got some good news from my beau, heard some great music, and had (as usual) a very good chat. My son went to bed without a fight, and my ankle seems to be healed. Boy, it sure doesn't take much to make me happy does it? LOL OH, did I mention I had really great hair today too. But, after the last two days, I'll take my little pleasures and call it nirvana.

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

blossom into hysteria

:Insert your own 6 paragraph "heartless wenchie" style rant here:
I'm just not up for it. I hope your all doing better.

All things considered my mood isn't bad thank god. I decided today would be a good one if it killed me. It almost did. But I'm sitting here listening to "Cousin Dorothy" drinking a good cup of coffee, watching my son read cat in the hat. Life is good.

Monday, June 07, 2004

Start of Rant

Well, today was one of those days. The day where you think, Well, this day was a waste of coffee. The day where you are not the dog. You're not even the fleas on the dog. You're the hydrant the dog pisses on.

Work.. I guess if it was easy it wouldn't be work right? I spent the better part of two hours defending my character, logic, and professionalism today. The details really don't matter.. they wouldn't mean much to anyone that didn't have a Property&Casualty License anyway. Suffice it to say, I was not a happy go lucky girl. I've come to the conclusion that I really work in a high school. No, that's giving some of my co-workers too much credit.. Jr. High. The backbiting, manipulative interpretations, and petty.. BULLSHIT that goes on still shocks me. I decided a good long while ago to keep my head down, mouth shut, and do my job. And I'm good at it. I get complimentary letters and calls regularly from my customers. I'm ethical to a fault. My results support this. Never have I been accused of any wrong doing.. *whoa deep breath*** in.. out.. in... out.. Ok.. anyway. Some small reptilian aspect of my brain kept a close watch on the temper control for most of those two hours preventing me from saying what I REALLY wanted too... well, he went to go get a cup of coffee.. or may he saw a really tasty cricket.. All I know is he left the temper gauge unattended and neglected to release pressure when needed. As a result there was about a 10 min span that I was pretty heated.

Through superhuman effort I did NOT say what I wanted to. I kept thinking you know you have a kid that really likes to eat. And have a house, and clothes.. It helped. It did help.

So anyway. I did meaningless math to keep my cool for the rest of the day. Made sure my "nothing is wrong" facade was firmly in place.. Because GOD forbid the mask slip.

However, as I left work and trudged across the parking lot I happened to look down at my feet. All the pink Crepe Myrtle trees are losing their flowers and I was walking in a sea of tiny pink flowers. The wind was blowing from my back pushing in front of me step by step, them like a delicate pink carpet laid just for me by the gods. I saw the beauty that was out there to be seen, regardless of my bad day.. and I was comforted.
End of Rant

*sigh* Thank god for my man. I've told him before that he helps reset my dials and calms me regardless of how bad my day has been. Tonight was one of those nights. I didn't really want to talk about my day but he knew it hadn't been fun. He made a comment about comforting me and I said "yes this is where you take me in your arms and say it'll all be ok". Out of my speakers I hear the most compassionate and loving "It'll be ok" I've ever heard. Even without his arms I found... you know what it will. I was hit with such a strong wave of love and contentment that it literally brought tears to my eyes. He is a good man. Good for what you ask? *wink* Good for me! Listening to him kid and play and be silly w/ my son and me tonight was just what I needed. His day was challenging for different reasons... and yet he comforted me. A good man. And honey I know it will be ok. You'll do fine tomorrow and the other thing will be taken care of. I love you, Im here .. you know that.

During my trying day today I thought briefly of how nice it would be just to say To Hell With It All walk out and get in my car and start driving Northwest. But you know, I cant do that. Not because I have too many responsibilities, or too much pride, or self control. I cant do that because if I did I wouldn't be the kind of woman he could love. Or at least not for long. And I dont know if I could live with dissapointing him so fundimentlly. So here I sit. Loving him, and unable to touch him. But I think.. I really think .. that in the end.. I just might be enough... for the first time..

Opinions are like .. well you know

Well, I got my first negative response about my new beau from a chat friend, and it wasn't even about his location. C'est la vie. I have to do what I feel is best for me. No matter who I chose someone would always gainsay my decision. The people who's opinions matter most have been very supportive. So much for coming out of the closet with it LOL. However, he pleases me. He's intelligent, polite, has a good sense of humor, respects me and the fact I am a mother, is honest.. I could go on but, why? I have nothing to be ashamed of nor do I need the approval of anyone else.

Ok Im off to bed. Sleep well.

Sunday, June 06, 2004

Hear the silences

Ok 3 hours later... All my responsible mommy duties are done for a bit.

An aside here.. I've got some really good music for the romantic mood. Marry Me, Amanda Marshal, I want to be in love, Melissa Ethridge, gads lots of stuff. Anyway.. Oh and I'm doing my random music downloads. Smooth Jazz.. once I get it down I may have new favorites lol.

I really enjoyed reading my beau's blogg. There is yet another level of intimacy in reading and not being able to respond to each thought. To see where the thought process will lead someone when they are not having to interact with you while trying to come to a conclusion or clarify a mind set.

I love you, hun. I know you were a bit apprehensive about me reading it. I've read it many times now. And your unequivocally right. On all your salient points. You are forty (not a problem for me), working on improving yourself (God, I'm proud of you), and have issues that must be worked through. None the less. The first sentence of your third paragraph says it all. Yes, we have many trials and tribulations in our future I'm sure. But, that sentence helps remind me of why its worth trying for. And ditto, love.

Oh and on another point. I read your blogg then went back and read my own. The "I forced him" comment in my blogg struck me as ... scheming. I didn't mean for it to sound that way. Nor did it cross my mind to force you into the position. I just couldn't bring myself to cross the chasm and say the words first. Though I felt it, I knew you'd had some difficulty with a situation similar to ours in the not to distant past. I was afraid of stepping out there, of possibly finding out that there was nothing returning from the void but my own painful echo. So, if it came across as dishonest or manipulative I'm very very sorry. For what its worth, I have heard it in our silences. And if it makes you more comfortable we can return to that fashion. The reasons why we stay reticent are not bad ones, in fact they are logical, and intelligent ones.

My take on Bloggs

I've read bloggs off and on for a long time. Up until very recently I've only read the blogg of one person I "knew" and I use that world loosely because he and I haven't ever been really close. Now I read a blogg by a female friend.. and most recently the one of my beau.

There is something very voyeuristic about reading bloggs I've found over the years. This is even more true reading the bloggs of the 2 people above.

She is going through alot. Some of the same things I agonized over in the past I see her dealing with now. All I can say is Have faith. It does get easier, I promise. Maybe not today or tomorrow... but one day you WILL be able to wake up and say, "I'm ok, I'm really ok" And I hope you know I'm here if ya need someone to listen to the screaming every now and then. I promise it won't scare me off. (oh and to the people that say your bloggs are too long.. screw em *kiss*)

As for my darlin's blogg. Well, thats interesting. We had talked about my reading Zepps blogg one night. He thought it was a strange concept to publish the inner ramblings and said he didn't think he could ever do that. I mulled it over a bit as I was writing the first "letter to nowhere" entry on a legal pad at work the next day. I remember my journals and diaries of the past and wish I had more of them to look back on. So this site was born. Now he has taken the leap into the often unknown territory of blogging.

Ok more later. I gotta get busy again. Grrr I'm really not a happy homemaker kinda woman you know!

Saturday, June 05, 2004

Dear dad,

You'd like him. You'd approve. Hell, you'd be thrilled. He's a good man. He has his flaws, I do too as you well know. I hope... I hope...

I love you. You've always been there. I just wish I could talk to you about him. I'm wanting to go, really thinking about making the leap in the future, to leave and give a shot at being happy. How can I not be here for/with you? Yet... you'd really like him, except for the distance.. Oh well, there is plenty of time to come to the hard decisions. You've always said you just wanted me to be happy. Oh boy could this be a test of that statement LOL. And no matter where I am... I'll always be standing next to you in my heart and mind.

I Love you,

Thursday, June 03, 2004

Finding history

I went on a search tonight for the "3 things I hate about you" letters that I talked about with L earlier tonight. I didn't find them (damn it) but I did find a packet of letters my mother wrote to me while I was a child. Most where during the divorce and her petitions to have the ruling of custody changed to her favor. I read them.. for the first time. Dear God. Such heartache.. and yet she even says... "I'm going to let you go. Its easier to lose one than fight for two (the second being my brother)" One day maybe I'll type them up and post them. But you know what .. she was wrong. All the "He'll never do right by you, you'll suffer, He cant nuture your talents and gifts, etc" She was wrong. Thank GOD for V. D. H. I love you dad.. I've never forgotten the lessons you've taught me, the love, the hope, the respect, the honesty, the responsibility. You've always been my cornerstone. And still are.. though we don't talk NEARLY as much as we should. I'm a pale and an incomplete mother compared to the dad you were. I still strive to be you. I always will. You are why I am what I am. I'll see you soon. I promise.

Oh and if you want to know about the 3 things I hate about you... drop me a line (comment) .. but dont be afriad.. the worst in you will be pointed out by the ones you love. It'll either make you stronger or destroy you.. NOT for the weak at heart.

A Good Night

He said it.. omg.. I said it.. Not in a sentence that could be misinterpreted as fun.. But really said it.

Ha Ha.. I should be ashamed.. I've wanted to say it several times but was afraid to. I forced him to make the first move. I know there were no less than 3 times tonight the silence loomed while I said the words in my mind. No, I couldn't say it.. Yes I'm a goddess.. see yesterday lol.. But fear is still an emotion I know well. *hangs head* .. ME afraid NEVER!!! well almost never. I couldn't say it first.. I don't know why.

Why does it have to be so bitter sweet? Why is he so far away? We talked about many things tonight. The usual. Things that shouldn't make a difference but do. Dear god.. Why? So close and yet so far.

There I've said it. .. We've avoided conversations that led to this, avoided them like the plague. I know you've (he's) read most of this. Nope .. it doesn't make it easier.. but the chance you'll mention it is slim to none. Part of me wants to hear your thoughts on my thoughts.. part of me is terrified. Yep we both have our issues.. I still love you. Issues and all... the connection is there. You've put up w/ alot of trivial and somewhat emotional crap from me lately. All I can say is thank you. Like I've said before I don't have a "melt down" very often.. you just got lucky enough *snort snicker* to see it in the early stages of us. I've woken up many a morning and been afraid to check my offlines .. expecting a "Dear Jen" letter.

"I know" .. lol.. a phrase I say often while we can't see the forest for the trees, and the silence looms, the things we want to say screaming in the silence of our breathing.. even then it's a friendly silence.. companionable.. one filled w/ understanding. I wanted to fill it tonight and was afraid to for many reasons. You've earned my respect, my admiration (not an easy thing for anyone w/ "dangly" bits), you stimulate me intellectually, emotionally, sexually, spirtually...

So yeah.. he heard it.. get over it LMAO

Wednesday, June 02, 2004


Damn you Rae.. I love quizzes LOL

You Are a Natural Beauty!

You're the kind of beauty that every guy dreams about...

One that looks good in the morning - without a stich of makeup

That's doesn't mean you're a total hippie chic though

You have style, but for you, style is effortless

What Type of Beauty Are You? Take This Quiz :-)

The hippie part strikes me as funny since me and my son Tye Dyed shirts this weekend.. Something I love to do BTW..

And Damn if only I looked like that natural beauty.. though Im still basking in my self revealation.

You Are An Intro-Extrovert!

Sometimes you're social - sometimes you're shy

You've got a bit of an Introvert / Extrovert split going on

You enjoy all sorts of situations. Parties, small groups, and alone time.

Too much of one, and you'll long for the other. You need varity!

Chances are, you've got both serious and fun friends - and they don't get along.

Are You An Extrovert or Introvert? Take This Quiz :-)

L! This ones for you. Ha Ha Ha..

You Are a Plain Ole Cup of Joe

But don't think plain - instead think, uncomplicated

You're a low maintenance kind of girl... who can hang with the guys

Down to earth, easy going, and fun! Yup, that's you: the friend everyone invites.

And your dependable too. Both for a laugh and a sympathetic ear.

What Kind Of Coffee Are You? Take This Quiz :-)

You Are A Woman!

Congratulations, you've made it to adulthood.

You're emotionally mature, responsible, and unlikely to act out.

You accept that life is hard - and do your best to keep things upbeat.

This makes you the perfect girlfriend... or even wife!

Guys Like That You're Charming

You're the girl most guys can't get out of their heads

Even if they met you on a bad hair day :-)

You just seem to "click" with everyone you meet

So even if a guy forgets about you for a second... his friends haven't!

So.. ummm is this good or bad? Are they saying Im not memorable? lol

*hugs and kisses*
OK.. so some of the questions didnt apply... I made due w/ what I (think I) know about things.

He Is So Into You!

Come on, why was there any question in your mind?

If he hasn't asked you out yet, he will!

All signs point to strong flirtation -

And that's always a good thing.

A change in the Bloggs

OMG!!! I went to the store as a favor to a friend tonight. While I was there I saw this... this .. woman.. reflected in the frozen food section glass.. She was everything I wanted to be. I stopped to stare.. This woman was me!!

She was beautiful, sexy, vivacious, impervious to derision or public opinion, strong willed, self confident. In short, she was a Goddess!

When do we, as women/girls, learn that it is OK to make ourselves feel like shit? I saw myself reflected in that glass tonight the way I've never seen myself in a mirror.. probably because I wasn't looking for my flaws. I saw myself as I really am .. on accident. And do you know what I learned tonight. I AM WORTHY!!! I am a prize to the right man.

I am nowhere near perfect. I'll never be a super model as a friend of mine points out.. wink wink.. I still love you *kiss kiss*. But, I wouldn't trade who I am to be Cindy Crawford.. because I am me... often imitated.. never duplicated.. the original, one and only RED!

Ok.. now that I've moved that (see above, it used to be last)to the top..

I was reading a friends Blogg tonight and decided to make this my personal space. Yes the "Letters to Nowhere" will still show up I'm sure, but I want a place to just be me. With out worry of what friends and family will think. A place to Rave and Rant when needed. And considering only two people I know have this link.. well.. hell you want to know me right? This Im sure will be the good, bad, and the ugly from time to time... On with the show!!!!

Where was I.. oh yes.. while reading my friends Blogg I saw a question that I had to answer....

Do you know what it's like to live two lives?

what it's like to be two different people yet be in the same body... to have two different sets of feelings... to have the want to be in two places at once...

Oh yes, I do. There is a part of me that misses my carefree days before my son. Before I had to be a "responsible adult". And then I was reminded of how much I love my current life.

I got a call tonight from a "friend". While talking to him I realized that even though he is several years older than me he's still caught up in this fantasy image of women.. me particularly. And it wasn't a pretty image. He remembers the days gone by.. the ones I'm not willing to live again and seems to have missed the fact that I've moved far far beyond all of that.

Now, while I was being disillusioned by a "friend" I had another waiting for me. A great man. One that seems to accept me for the flawed individual I am. A man that is honest, fun, accepting, and willing to overlook my past sins, that can accept the fact that I do cry.. shhh don't tell anyone, I believe I've somewhat hurt him in the recent past.. but he overlooks it. In short a real friend. One that seems to mean more and more as the days go by..

umm yeah 2nd Question:

oral master

You Are an Oral Master!

If going down were a class, you'd be an A+ student.

You've been known to do anything - from deep throat to ass licking.

Your oral can get almost anyone off...

Too bad you're not flex enough to try it on yourself!

How Oral Are *You*?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

Neener Neener I got the same as you! Is that a surprise I doubt it! (now if only you'd read this :) )