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Letters to Nowhere

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Pet Peeves in action

Friday, at work, was a day; I, literally, chewed a sore in the inside of my lip.

The callers I had didn't exactly drink from the fountain of wisdom. I'm starting to wonder if they even gargled!

Me: Ma'am, did you know that you can update this information online?

Caller: OK

Me: Uh.. are you saying "OK, I knew that already".. or "OK, Thanks for letting me know; I learned something new today?"

Caller: (sounding a wee bit confused) Oh.. oh .. Thanks for letting me know.

Me: OK, I was just checking "OK" was a bit vague.

(when asked a yes or no question PLEASE answer YES or NO.. then feel free to babble on to qualify the answer if you wish. OK is not a valid response)

Caller #2: And your name, please?

Me: Red.

Caller: Do you have a last name?

Me: (this is where the lip biting began.. I soooo wanted to say "no ma'am, I'm just like Cher or Madonna.. I'm so well know Red will do) Instead I was a good girl and replied "Yes"

Caller: uh can I have it?

Me: Yes you may, my last name is Clover.

My patience grows thin..

Friday, July 29, 2005

It took long enough!!!

PayPals buyer protection is a JOKE.

I bought the gown and paid for it using my credit card thru paypal on MAY 21.

I filed the claim 29 days later.

The paypal site says it "can" take 30 days to "settle" a claim.. that is cough*bullshit*cough choke.

33 days after I filed the claim, I FINALLY got news from paypal. I had to take the gown to "a disinterested third party" to get a formal appraisal of how the gown was not as advertised. I guess my explanation and offer of pictures wasn't enough.

After calling no less than 2 dozen bridal, formal wear shops (all of whom wouldn't look at the dress since they didn't sell it too me.. Well DUH!! That's how you fall under "disinterested third party") I finally found someone to help me.

All hail HOUSE OF HINES, Macon GA. Bettie, the owner, wrote a letter stating the dress was clearly not finished since it had no way to be put on, no hem, and no waistband. She also noted several needle snags in the satin of the bodice that I'd missed and included them in the letter. I offered to pay her for her time and she refused my money calling it "a lesson well learned" for me.

HOUSE OF HINES formal and bridal wear in Macon Georgia is the place to go for all your formal needs. So say I.

Anyway.. enough shameless plugging for a wonderful woman's business.

I faxed her letter THREE times on Wed to paypal. I came home to a reminder saying I only had 4 more days to get them the info (after waiting 33 days for info I, of course, had to have the letter to them in 10 days, considerate huh?). Uh.. hold on! OK so I faxed it 6, count 'em, SIX times today.. Oh they got it. They have agreed to refund my money.

Or they will after I mail the dress, certified mail with a tracking number, back to the bitch seller. And of course.. I have only 10 days to provide them with the tracking number.

But hey, I have been vindicated. The money is going to be mine, again.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Simple Pleasures

It has begun. My one child-free week of the year. My son is enjoying sunny St. Augustine Florida with the landlords/surrogate grandparents.

Everyone keeps asking me what I'm going to do with my week. My reply: Oh, the same things I usually do. But, I can do it all NAKED! Woo-hoo!

When I told my father that he laughed. He completely understood. He said it was the same way with him when I'd go visit my mother. See.. It doesn't take much to make me happy.


I received a gift from my beau, you know, the Canadian. It's a book; it's written by a Canadian. It's title? Why I Hate Canadians. I'm only two chapters into it. I've already laughed and laughed.


In honor of my child-free week, I took today off. For no good reason, just because I could. My cousin, Chris, and I are going to see Fantastic 4 later today. It'll be a good day.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

...In my bed

I had dinner yesterday with Chris, my cousin Tasha, her boyfriend and the boyfriends dad.

We ate at a wonderful Chinese restaurant that has opened here. After the meal we are enjoying our orange slices and preparing to open the fortune cookies. Boyfriend's dad pipes up.. "You know if you add three words to the end of your fortune is makes more sense"

Three words? We all look puzzled. He explains. Just add "in my bed" to the end of your fortune.

Much fun ensued as we read our fortunes.

With a little hard work your creativity will take you to great heights .. in my bed.

You have an ability to sense and know a higher truth.. in my bed

Advice, when most needed, is least heeded
.. in my bed

My Favorite: Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.. in my bed!

I enjoyed dinner.. an adult dinner.. at a place without a (gasp) drive thru. That's a good time.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Uh.. yeah..

Over the last few days my kid has said some weird stuff in moments of happiness.

While playing a video game he shouted
"For family, for honor, for DOUGHNUTS!"

And today I heard

"That was hotter than 500 chickens in a 1/2 acre wood."

Both of which left me going.. uh yeah..

Wednesday, July 20, 2005


Do you remember the first "adult" compliment you received? By that I mean the first compliment that made you feel attractive in more than a 'cute kid' kinda way?

I do. I was 15, leaning over the waist high fence to talk to a male friend of mine who was in the pool.

He looked up, stared at me for a few moments and said "My God.. The way the sun is behind you, shining through your hair.. You look like a goddess with a halo of red gold fire."

I've never forgotten those words. Even now, almost 15 years later, when I see the sun shine through my hair.. I feel that same thrill of surprise I felt hearing him say those words.

I don't remember his name.. but his words. Wow.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Childhood heart break

My son came in about an hour ago sobbing..

I think Thelma Lou killed Matilda, he cried.

Some explanation.. Thelma Lou is the new dog of the landlord/adopted grandparents. Matilda is.. well she's a chicken.

When James was 2 years old Shirley and Harold (the landlords) bought him two chicks and two baby ducks on Easter. The ducks eventually moved to a friends house that had a 1/2 acre pond. 6 years later we had 1/2 a dozens chickens wandering around. By far, my son's favorite was one he named Matilda.

Matilda was far more tame than the others. James picked her, up carried her around.. hell he even put her in the swimming pool where she'd swim lazy circles around him. I couldn't believe that when I heard it. Chickens are NOT fond of water. But yeah.. all things considered this was a good chicken. And I'm not talking in a KFC kinda way.

So I held my son, comforted him, did the usual mommy things that sometimes help smooth over the death of a pet. After the tears were dried and the hugs given he asked me "mom, will you make me some chicken noodle soup?" with no thought given to the fact that Matilda was a chicken.

You see, for my son, she wasn't, she was a friend.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

This is my life..

Originally uploaded by red clover.
It makes you laugh when you first look at it. Then you think about how much bleeding your going to have to do to escape. C'est la vie..

I was working when I over heard two co-workers picking on each other..

One was making rude noises to gross the other out.

Woman 1: You better be glad I don't know how to gargle my spit.

Woman 2: No! YOU better be glad You dont know how too..

Woman 1: What are you saying?

Woman 2: You Dork!

Woman 1: I know I am, but what are you?

Stunned silence for 3 heartbeats as we all ran that last line through our heads again. Then the laughter erupted..

Thursday, July 07, 2005

If the wine talks to you, maybe it's time to stop

WAHHHH!! I love a good merlot.. I cherish a nice crisp white.. and they talk to me EVERY time I pass them..

Damn you.. Damn you, Italy!!!

Sunday, July 03, 2005

No John Deere Here

Awhile back I was talking with a gay friend of mine about anal beads.

These are a string of beads that you insert.. well anally. At some point in the "moment" they are pulled out giving a very ..uh.. interesting feel that can heighten orgasm.

Me: So you just pull 'em out?
Him: Yeah, you pull them out. Some people like to remove them during orgasm, some just before. It's a personal preference.
Me: Ok.. but you just pull them out?
Him: Well, honey! You just can't act like your cranking a lawn mower!! You pull them out slowly.

Ok.. that's were I lost it. I was gasping for air; I was laughing so hard.

Me: After all nothing runs like a john queer.

We both lost it then... we laughed till tears came.

So.. if that's something you're thinking about trying.. just remember it ain't like you're starting a lawn mower.

Friday, July 01, 2005

I had class

I had to take a class at work Thursday. It was Writing To Our Customers. Oh, freaking, goody!

I quickly learned it should have been titled, Writing For Dummies. We wrote sample letters requesting information from a fictional customer. The instructor called me on the following words:

    premium (used in reference to how much the policy cost)
She informed me that the majority of adults in the US only have, on average, an eighth grade reading level. WHAT?!? She had a copy of a newspaper article that was written about this very problem. Newspapers are having to 'dumb-down' the vocabulary.

At the end of the class everyone had to re-write one of our letters to turn in. She was not amused when I wrote a note to myself on the first draft margin.

It said: