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Letters to Nowhere

Monday, June 07, 2004

Start of Rant

Well, today was one of those days. The day where you think, Well, this day was a waste of coffee. The day where you are not the dog. You're not even the fleas on the dog. You're the hydrant the dog pisses on.

Work.. I guess if it was easy it wouldn't be work right? I spent the better part of two hours defending my character, logic, and professionalism today. The details really don't matter.. they wouldn't mean much to anyone that didn't have a Property&Casualty License anyway. Suffice it to say, I was not a happy go lucky girl. I've come to the conclusion that I really work in a high school. No, that's giving some of my co-workers too much credit.. Jr. High. The backbiting, manipulative interpretations, and petty.. BULLSHIT that goes on still shocks me. I decided a good long while ago to keep my head down, mouth shut, and do my job. And I'm good at it. I get complimentary letters and calls regularly from my customers. I'm ethical to a fault. My results support this. Never have I been accused of any wrong doing.. *whoa deep breath*** in.. out.. in... out.. Ok.. anyway. Some small reptilian aspect of my brain kept a close watch on the temper control for most of those two hours preventing me from saying what I REALLY wanted too... well, he went to go get a cup of coffee.. or may he saw a really tasty cricket.. All I know is he left the temper gauge unattended and neglected to release pressure when needed. As a result there was about a 10 min span that I was pretty heated.

Through superhuman effort I did NOT say what I wanted to. I kept thinking you know you have a kid that really likes to eat. And have a house, and clothes.. It helped. It did help.

So anyway. I did meaningless math to keep my cool for the rest of the day. Made sure my "nothing is wrong" facade was firmly in place.. Because GOD forbid the mask slip.

However, as I left work and trudged across the parking lot I happened to look down at my feet. All the pink Crepe Myrtle trees are losing their flowers and I was walking in a sea of tiny pink flowers. The wind was blowing from my back pushing in front of me step by step, them like a delicate pink carpet laid just for me by the gods. I saw the beauty that was out there to be seen, regardless of my bad day.. and I was comforted.
End of Rant

*sigh* Thank god for my man. I've told him before that he helps reset my dials and calms me regardless of how bad my day has been. Tonight was one of those nights. I didn't really want to talk about my day but he knew it hadn't been fun. He made a comment about comforting me and I said "yes this is where you take me in your arms and say it'll all be ok". Out of my speakers I hear the most compassionate and loving "It'll be ok" I've ever heard. Even without his arms I found... you know what it will. I was hit with such a strong wave of love and contentment that it literally brought tears to my eyes. He is a good man. Good for what you ask? *wink* Good for me! Listening to him kid and play and be silly w/ my son and me tonight was just what I needed. His day was challenging for different reasons... and yet he comforted me. A good man. And honey I know it will be ok. You'll do fine tomorrow and the other thing will be taken care of. I love you, Im here .. you know that.

During my trying day today I thought briefly of how nice it would be just to say To Hell With It All walk out and get in my car and start driving Northwest. But you know, I cant do that. Not because I have too many responsibilities, or too much pride, or self control. I cant do that because if I did I wouldn't be the kind of woman he could love. Or at least not for long. And I dont know if I could live with dissapointing him so fundimentlly. So here I sit. Loving him, and unable to touch him. But I think.. I really think .. that in the end.. I just might be enough... for the first time..


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