A Good Night

He said it.. omg.. I said it.. Not in a sentence that could be misinterpreted as fun.. But really said it.

Ha Ha.. I should be ashamed.. I've wanted to say it several times but was afraid to. I forced him to make the first move. I know there were no less than 3 times tonight the silence loomed while I said the words in my mind. No, I couldn't say it.. Yes I'm a goddess.. see yesterday lol.. But fear is still an emotion I know well. *hangs head* .. ME afraid NEVER!!! well almost never. I couldn't say it first.. I don't know why.

Why does it have to be so bitter sweet? Why is he so far away? We talked about many things tonight. The usual. Things that shouldn't make a difference but do. Dear god.. Why? So close and yet so far.

There I've said it. .. We've avoided conversations that led to this, avoided them like the plague. I know you've (he's) read most of this. Nope .. it doesn't make it easier.. but the chance you'll mention it is slim to none. Part of me wants to hear your thoughts on my thoughts.. part of me is terrified. Yep we both have our issues.. I still love you. Issues and all... the connection is there. You've put up w/ alot of trivial and somewhat emotional crap from me lately. All I can say is thank you. Like I've said before I don't have a "melt down" very often.. you just got lucky enough *snort snicker* to see it in the early stages of us. I've woken up many a morning and been afraid to check my offlines .. expecting a "Dear Jen" letter.

"I know" .. lol.. a phrase I say often while we can't see the forest for the trees, and the silence looms, the things we want to say screaming in the silence of our breathing.. even then it's a friendly silence.. companionable.. one filled w/ understanding. I wanted to fill it tonight and was afraid to for many reasons. You've earned my respect, my admiration (not an easy thing for anyone w/ "dangly" bits), you stimulate me intellectually, emotionally, sexually, spirtually...

So yeah.. he heard it.. get over it LMAO