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Letters to Nowhere

Saturday, April 30, 2005

So much for fun and educational.

Originally uploaded by red clover.
It's raining... hard, thunder and lightening included.

So much for the library, the park and Frisbee.

That day would have been fun, exciting, entertaining, and healthy.

What am I doing instead? I have just rubbed Monistat into my son's armpit. Oh yeah! Let the good time roll. I'm having so much fun!

James has a mild yeast infection in his armpit. Gotta love boys, 8 yr old, sweaty, playing in the dirt boys.

Of course he does find cool stuff sometimes. Like the salamander. And yeast infections.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Dead Guy Calling

Today was one of those days at work. I was on the "weird call" line, I guess.

By far the strangest call was from the dead guy.

Mr Dead Guy (not his real name) comes on the line saying he needs proof of insurance faxed to his DMV so he can renew his license.

Uh.. Sir, can you verify your Social Security number, date of birth, mailing address and the password on your account?
He could and did with no hesitation.

Ok Sir, are you still married to Mrs. Live Chick (not her real name either)? Oh, you are. I see. Well, I'm sorry to inform you, but she called in a few months ago and advised us that you had.. well.. that you were deceased.
WHAT? Muffled cursing as to be expected.. He comes back and informs me the last time he checked he was still well above ground.

Not the last time you checked? Well, I can understand how this might upset you, sir. Let me get customer service on the line and I'm sure they will be able to resolve this matter. May I place you on hold for a moment?

When I got service on the line things started to clear up. Mr Dead Guy (still not his real name) has a really shitty driving history. The wife had called to try to delete him and we advised her that since they were married we would be unable to do so, unless she could prove he had other insurance. Two months later she calls and says he's died. Poor, poor, you.. of course we'll remove him (and his tickets and accidents) from your policy.. after all he's dead.

Service spoke to Mr Dead Guy (you know the drill) at length. Then they mailed a letter to Mrs Live Chick advising her if she couldn't produce a death certificate with in 14 days that we'd be canceling her insurance policy.

Mom, what's this

Too True
Originally uploaded by red clover.
I found under the mattress?

Ok, flashback time... Way back. Back to when I was like.. 10.

My mother and I walk into her bedroom to find my (then) 5yr old sister, and 6yr old brother closely examining "something".

We walk around the bed to find.. her dildo. Flesh colored, detailed, realistic looking dildo.. being examined by the 2 kids like it was a new kind of toad they'd unearthed in the garden.

My sister looks up and says "What's this mom?"

Mom doesn't miss a beat. "Oh that (picking it up) That is your fathers tallywacker. He can take it off and leave it, since he won't be using it while he's not home."

Both kids seemed to take this as a matter of course.. They just said.. wow! Got up and walked out of the room.

Mom threw the offending appendage back in the bed side drawer and we stifled giggles for the next 15 mins.

See, I'm not the only one that can come up with something on the spot!

Monday, April 25, 2005

Butt Gasket Love

I had a much needed laugh today, thanks to my beau.

I received a letter from him in the mail. In it was 3 postcards of his area, for my son, I've been there.. and 3 butt gaskets (official name: sanitary toilet seat covers).

God only knows why, but we've had several conversations about butt gaskets. OK.. we all know why.. cuz it's me. And you know how my mind works.

Anyway. I pulled them from the envelope and started unfolding the tissue. I didn't know if there was anything wrapped in it.. written on it what.

When I finally realized what they were I almost sprayed coffee all over them. You gotta love a man that can make you laugh from 3000 miles away.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Pizza Parlor Wisdom


Man 1: I'd love to go on a disney cruise.

*groans from his 3 other table mates*

Man 2: Do you know what a disney cruise is like. It's like a 24 hour Chuck-E-Cheese. Floating in the middle of the ocean, you cant get away! It's adult HELL.

Long Time coming

I had a meeting w/ my son's school Friday. After almost 4 years of requesting it, they are FINALLY going to put him in a special ed reading class for dyslexia.

I also informed them they will NOT be holding him back this year. His class work and homework scores are passing, if barely.

He doesn't like me much at the moment. I also informed the school that he would be going to summer school. Period. The special ed teacher will be there. So will my son. End of story.

All in all it was a very productive meeting where I made it very clear that I felt the system had failed me and my son. I was told that it's not enough for a parent to request testing and special education. They must get a referral from the teacher. I pointed out in very clear terms that all 4 of my son's teachers had made these referrals.

The psychologist that tested James said "It's very difficult for us. From state and national sides we get alot of pressure to find children with challenges early. However, most of the tests are designed for kids that either can read or are 7-8 years old."

The IQ tests they gave James are not very conclusive for just that reason. His scores ranged from 72-98 depending on how much reading was involved. The psychologist feels my son's IQ is at this time not really calculable using the standard tests due to his dyslexia.

In two months I'm going to have my car paid off and will have another 500$ a month in addition to that coming in. I'm thinking very seriously about putting him in a private school with that money.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Like Mother Like Son

James and I have either the beginning stages of a cold or alergies. We are both stuffed up in the head and tired. Im voting for cold.

Either way, we were laying on the couch reading a book (Frog and Toad Are Friends) together yesterday when my son stops me with a kiss on the cheek.

Son: I love you momma.
Me: I love you too.
Son: Nothing can't break up our love, I'll love you forever.
Me: I'll love you forever too. You're right nothing will break my love.
Son: Not even if a criminal comes in the house will it break our love.
Me: (huh? criminal? what?) Uh, yeah, not even that will break our love.

Yep, he thinks like his mom. Off the wall, oddball stuff floating around in his little noggin. Im so proud.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Dad’s folly

I love my father. I do. He is usually an intelligent man. Usually. Dad’s weakness is anything related to healthy living. He believes the most crackpot, harebrained ideas about the “fad” health stuff. And dear Lord he comes by it naturally. His mom, my grandmother, believes it too.

Every time I go to visit them I come home with a dozen bottles, tubes, and caplets of “stuff” that didn’t work, had bad side effects, was too harsh for grandma’s skin, stomach, scalp etc. “Thanks grandma! You say when you took it you sprouted hair from your tear ducts!! I can’t WAIT to get home so I can try it” Sigh…. Well at least she loves me.

So what was the worst you ask? No questions asked, hands down... the worst was...
Noni Juice.

Noni Juice. (I’m suppressing an involuntary shudder) Noni juice is undoubtedly the nastiest stuff I’ve ever tasted. It is juice from a berry on some isolated island where people seem to live forever. So of course it’s due to the Noni Juice, not the high exercise, low fat diet of the people.

The taste… How to describe the taste… ok…
1. Gather dirty gym socks.
2. Soak socks in brine for a week.
3. Use aged brine to wash a dead raccoon.
4. Drink
(But, I mean that in the nicest possible way!)

Yep that’s about right. I don’t care if I can live an extra 10 years by drinking 4 oz of Noni Juice ever day. That is worse than dying early.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Did ya know

1. The male Angler fish attaches to the side of the female and lives as a parasite for the rest of his life?

Hell, I know some men like that. Even dated a few. Of course I know some women like that too.

2. If you put an Alcaseltzer tablet in your mouth and then take a sip of a bottled coke foam will shoot from your nose. (courtesy of an ex who didn't want to wait for it to dissolve in water)

3. If you ever feel bad about yourself. Go hang out in chat under an assumed name for awhile. It can be better than Springer.

Have a good one.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Jiffy Pop

There's nothing quite like watching a kid.. my kid.. make Jiffy Pop while singing (badly) Shake Shake Shake .. Shake Shake Shake.. Shake your booty.. Shake your booty!

And for the record that and We Will Rock you by Queen are his two favorite songs.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Weird thought #47

Can a cat get a yeast infection?


My cat is on antibiotics. As I was wrestling my cat to the floor giving my beloved cat her pill the above thought occurred to me. She is female. She has a lee-lee (my mother's childhood word for vagina). Can she get a yeast infection?

In human women there is a delicate balance of bacteria and yeast cells in a healthy vagina. When we take antibiotics it often kills off this good bacteria, along with the 'bad' bacteria it was meant for.

This allows the yeast cells to stage a coup of the vagina. Resulting in .. cottage cheese like discharge, itching, and sometimes a less than spring fresh smell. Of course saying 'itching' seems innocuous. That's like calling an 5 megaton Atomic bomb a firework.

Still... It made me wonder... Is my cat fighting the pill because it's a pill.. or because of the yeasty-beasties?

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Don't squeeze the Charmin

Earlier tonight my son was playing his video game, and I was reading a book.

Son: Mom, I think I need to go sit on the commode.
Me: (sigh) If you need to go.. just go.

At least I've broken him of asking for permission to go.. a few minutes later..

Son: (Muffled through the bathroom door) Mom! This toilet paper sure is SOFT!
Me: (shaking my head.. and laughing at the same time) Ok. Just don't use too much of it.
Son: I won't I'm only using 3.
Me: That's more information than I wanted to know.
Son: Huh?
Me: Nevermind.

Well, you have the kid's opinion on TP. Clearly Charmin is much softer than the Cottonelle *with ripples* we were using yesterday.

Power P

First let me say that all in all I like my job.. really I do.

Working for ABC Insurance is not a bad thing. We have excellent benefits, a reasonable pay scale for my area, 401K, profit sharing, and I have one of the best supervisors that I've had in my 7 years there.

The downside, they micro manage our time.

For example. I get to work at 8:25 sign on the computer and get ready to start serving the masses by 8:30. My lunch is 11:30 to 12:00. My break 2:30 to 2:45. I sign out at 4:25.

God forbid you get off the phone for any reason other than the lunch and break. You MUST take your lunch and break on time and be back on time or it is considered a Tardy. If you are more than 59 SECONDS late signing on in the morning it is a Tardy. If you exceed 3 tardies in a year you go on warning. Your 4th tardy bye bye ABC Insurance.

In order for me to be considered "excellent" (which hell you know me I wanna be excellent) I have to be on the phone 99% of the time I'm scheduled (not including lunch and break)

Soooo... If I have use the restroom I have to weigh my options. Either I leave my station and go, thus dropping my sign in time down to "good or acceptable" or I hold it till lunch, break, or time for me to leave for the day.

Often I can't do this. Enter the Power Pee.

Sign off the phone.. walk as quickly as I can across the football field sized building to the restroom (why oh why can't my section be closer to the bathroom). Dash inside.. unclothe.. sit and well.. power pee. This is where you apply equal force to your bladder as I once did to push out my 10 lb son. Total time after sitting to empty straining bladder.. 35 seconds.

Stand up, re clothe, wash hands, jog back to desk, back on the phone, taking a call.

Total time to Power Pee.. usually 3-4 mins.

And for the record I can take one Power Pee a day and still be "excellent" in my time.