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Letters to Nowhere

Saturday, July 31, 2004


I tell ya what, there are alot of things in this world I don't do well. But one thing I can do is make world class oatmeal raisin cookies. I'm talking grandma quality cookies here! One day I'll have a porch full of grandkids clamoring for my oatmeal raisin cookies. They will look back when I'm gone and say "I'd cheerfully maim someone for a plate of grandma's oatmeal raisin cookies"

Sadly, my beau will not appreciate these gastric morsels of heavenly delight. He doesn't like raisins. How can you not like raisins? But hey.. Woo Hoo.. more for me and the kiddies!

Now before Betty Crocker starts having seizures let me state for the record, I make the worlds crappiest sugar cookie. I've tried probably a hundred times to make a sugar cookie fit for human consumption and can NOT do it. Even with a recipe. I suck!

When I was about 13 and my cousin about 16 we would sometimes get up in the middle of the night and challenge ourselves to finally make a decent sugar cookie. My brothers and sisters were all very young and we, my cousin and I, did most of the cooking since my mother worked nights. So, we invariably tried to make sugar cookies. Again, and again, and again, following recipes with such precision that NASA would have been proud of our measuring skills. It reached a point that it was a personal challenge to make the damn things.

You know you've made a bad batch of cookies when 4 kids, ages 1 to 9 yrs, start crying at the mere mention of sugar cookies. Our cookies were so bad the DOG wouldn't eat them. The birds avoided them as if they were some oddly mutated and potentially radioactive form of avian plague pellets. They were paper thin, dry as grave dust, and about as tasty. I feel badly for the torture we inflicted on my poor siblings as the official taste testing crew.

But hey.. I can make some "cream your pants, dance in the aisle, speak in tongues" good Oatmeal Raisin Cookies...


You remind me of the babe.
What babe?
The babe with the power.
What power?
The power of Voodoo.
Who do?
You do.
Do what?
Remind me of the babe.

I finally got around to watching Labyrinth with my son tonight. He loved it as much as I did when I was a kid. It's nice to know that even though it is a bit dated that he was just as enchanted.

Thursday, July 29, 2004

Japanese embroidery balls

A.K.A Temari balls. One of the odd crafts I started doing a few years ago. I kept threatening to show the off and finally got around to it. Oddly enough all of these were in the "easy to medium" range. I still have much work to do before I can attempt something very detailed.


Temari balls are an folk art form that originated in China and were introduced to Japan five or six hundred years ago. The balls were originally made by mothers and grandmothers for the children to play with.

Historically they were constructed from the remnants of old kimonos. Pieces of silk fabric would be wadded up to form a ball, then the wad wrapped with strips of fabric. The silk threads would have been removed and saved and used to first wind around the ball, then to stitch the ball firmly together.

As time moved on traditional Temari balls became an art, with the functional stitching more and more decorative and detailed, until the balls displayed very intricate embroidery. The balls transcended from play toys into art objects (although loving moms will still make them for their children).

Temari balls became an art and craft of the Japanese upper class and aristocracy and noble women competed in creating more and more beautiful and intricate objects. They now represent a highly valued and cherished gift symbolizing deep friendship and loyalty.
(copied from http://www.temarikai.com/

If your interested in the "how to" check out this quick illustrated overview.

The next few pictures are of Temaris that I have done. Aren't you proud of me LMAO

How they start Posted by Hello

Posted by Hello

Posted by Hello

Tamari Balls on display Posted by Hello

Toe Curling

Do you know what I find the most attractive part of a man? The one area I just can't keep my fingers off of?

The hidden skin. No, not all of it. Just that first inch or two of flesh that is purposely hidden from my view. Under the collar, the skin just under a waistband, or the warm skin of a thigh covered by shorts, even sleeves can sometimes leave me breathless ... mmmmm oh yeah.. that's what I like.

I like running my fingers, lips, hands, even my hair, heck anything! along that secret flesh. If a man is wearing shorts I want to slip my hands up the legs.. no, I don't want to go on a search and grope for the frank and beans.. I just want to make small, soft, sensuous, little circles on that quietly hidden flesh. Hopefully, evoking small moans or excited, hitching breathing for my efforts.

OMG, don't get me started on a waistband *pant pant*. I don't want to stuff my whole hand down inside.. just 2 fingers, or *moan* if we are alone.. my mouth trailing slow, humid, warm kisses along that hidden delight. I can easily turn undressing a man into a 4 star event. That is, assuming the man isn't one of those "I got a hard on let me use it right now" kinda asses.

Slipping my hands under a shirt and feeling the warm, firm surface of a lower back.. God, I think you can see what I mean. lol I'm a freak.. A freak, I say, about that skin.. The skin that is willfully denied to my eyes, just begs to be explored in minute, exquisite, agonizingly slow, and very thorough detail. I cant keep my hands or eh hem other things off of it!

Ok so now you know...

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

A paper kiss

Where does the time go? It seems I just had my son. Now, he's four and a half feet tall, and 7 years old!

My son has never been in formal daycare. I've always had a family friend keep him, so he didn't have alot of exposure to large groups of kids. He was very nervous about his first day of school 2 years ago. So, I cut out a small heart shaped piece of card stock, put on lipstick and left a kiss mark. I covered it with tape to keep the lipstick from smearing and dropped him off at school with a "kiss" in his pocket.

It seemed to help him. His teacher at the time sent a note home saying that it was very creative. She'd seen him take it out of his pocket and look at it when he was distracted or overwhelmed.

Fast forward to today. I was discussing w/ my son his impending return to school in 9 days. He was not pleased to hear his freedom was coming to an end. He doesn't like school. We struggle with his reading and handwriting due to dyslexia. As we talked about the fun he would have at school and how much he'd like seeing his friends again he became quiet. He is never quiet.. lol I asked what he was thinking about. He said, "Momma, can you give me another kiss in my pocket?" Come on ladies say it with me... AWWWW My heart melted and I grabbed him up on my lap and told him of course I would.

Some days you are reminded why it's all worth while. We played Yahtzee, and read, and had dinner as usual tonight. I sit here and am pleased. I'm doing ok by him. He's a good kid. He knows I love him. And he's still my little boy, or at least little enough to want a kiss in his pocket. Thank God...

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

I wanna see!

My beau has seen it. Something I have wanted too see for quite some time. No, not "insert your own imaginative yet depraived thought here" Ok, if your done trying to put out your mind's eye with a fork we can move on. LOL He has seen the Northern Lights, Aurora Borealis.

In fact, he has seen several it nights this week. Why or why can't I be there? It is one of those things I've always wanted to see. I never really thought I'd get the chance however. It is a much better possibility now than ever.

And, with that I'm headed to work.

Monday, July 26, 2004

No cell phone here!

I had some legal "stuff" I had to attend to today. I made a few calls and had to go see a few people. Every call I made asked me the same question. Let me get your cell number so I can get back to you.

Well, ladies and gents I don't OWN a cell phone. Yeah I said it.. no cell phone here. People where in shock. One gentleman I met with today in person asked for my cell number and when I told him I didn't own one.. well, he looked at me like I'd sprouted a third arm, possibly right between my eyes. By now I was getting a bit pissy about the whole issue. So.. sadly.. I went into a tirade.

Look here, mister... I spend between 7.15 and 7.50 hours a day on the phone. Tied to it in fact by a 4 foot cord leading to a headset, giving customer service to some of the lowest bottom feeding idiots in the cosmos. So when I leave work I want to be as difficult to reach as possible. Do you have a problem with that? I'm sure I can find another person to handle this matter for me if that's going to bunch your panties too tightly! (at least I did have enough presence of mind to avoid cussing like a sailor)

He did have the courtesy to look slightly abashed and apologized to me for making me feel "inferior" (his exact word) That did not, in anyway, sooth my ire. In fact.. I almost bit my tongue off trying to keep from going postal. Grrrrr..

So my mood today at work was less than perky. I got several calls that drove me to distraction! My boss was monitoring a call I had from a dealership rep. It went something like this:

Rep: Hi, Imcallingfrompembrookpinesfloridaregardingpolicynumber12345678doesshehavecoverage?

(This person clearly was related to the micro machine man.. or possibly worked pig and cattle auctions as a side job)

Me: Could you state that in a manner that I might actually be able to understand your question?

Rep: huh? (I repeat my statement) OH.. wellimcallingfrom pembrookpinesflorida onpolicynumber

Me (interrupting her): Ma'am? Are you speaking English?

(at this point my boss, who I did not know was listening in starts laughing his ass off in his office. I can see him gasping for breath and pounding the desk)

Once she finally slowed down and I could understand her I answered her questions.... as ... slowly.... as.... possible....

Me: Theeeeeee... polllicyyyy.... will..... expire.... onnnnnn... deeeeecemberrrr....twennnnty-fourthhhhhh...

When I got finished with the call my supervisor broke into my line and asked me to come see him... So I go into his office.. and he says "great call, I LOVE the way you handled it.. however home office wouldn't be so pleased. Be careful in the future. Why don't you take an extra break on me, get a cup of coffee.. have a smoke.." He was laughing so hard through all this I almost couldn't understand him.


Distance can be a two edged sword. It can be a great thing, or a harsh mistress.

I enjoy the fact I'm a few hours away from most of my family. I don't have to worry about them just "popping up". I don't have to worry about meeting their expectations at all times. I can be me. I enjoy my quiet time... my private time... no stress, no worries. My father often asks me to move back "home" to Florida. I don't want to do that. I've gotten used to my freedom. I love him.. but his preconceived notion of who/what I am is not always correct. I'm still his "little girl" in his mind, even if I am going on 30 and have a 7 yr old son.

They say familiarity breeds contempt.. and absence makes the heart grow fonder. What do "they" know anyway? Who are "they"? I'd love nothing more than to have my beau with me at the moment. If for no other reason than to look up and see him, sitting on the couch engrossed in a book, playing with my son, or doing any of a million mundane and generally boring things. However, they would not be boring, mundane, or trivial to me. It would be looking up and seeing home. Finding myself. Satisfaction...

Oh well.. We are working toward it. Such is life.

G'night. I'm headed to bed.

Sunday, July 25, 2004

Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator

... well not any more. I failed miserably at my attempt to procrastinate for a complete weekend on cleaning the house. (something which I am secretly proud of... shh don't tell the host body) Upon opening my refrigerator and being faced with a new and completely undocumented form of life in my tupperware I decided it was, indeed, time to clean the 'fridge. It was either that or have my kitchen officially labeled as an organic cross mutation laboratory. Since I can't afford the time and money getting the needed grants I used approx $.35 worth of cleaning supplies and went with option 1. My fridge is now so clean you could eat out of it.. umm ok bad example.

I also got the spare room cleaned out and re-organized, the grass cut and the bushes trimmed, and I can now actually see the top of this desk *gasp* AND I did dishes.

In other news, I'm really starting to wonder if all my brushes with death (aka the lightning strike a month ago, and the shocking time when a lamp fell into a bucket of water I had my hands in a week later) have somehow made me into a pseudo grim reaper. I say this because we have had a series of pet deaths this last 2 months. My bird died.. then my son's crayfish dies a week later.. last night his snail died. Hmm.. all thats left is the cat and lizard.. oh and a gold fish. God forbid the cat die.. I'll be heartbroken.. if the lizard dies my son will be inconsolable...

With my new DVD player I watched From Hell with my brother today. He enjoyed it. I'm looking forward to a viewing of Labyrinth later this evening. I'm sure it will be cheese-master and totally out of date... but I do like the movie.. there I admitted it.

Anyway.. yall have fun. Be safe. Love ya.

Saturday, July 24, 2004

Friday was good to me...

Employee Appreciation day was better than expected. I won a DVD player.. and we had subs instead of hot dogs.. Im easily pleased lol...


I tried to take a pic for my beau to show how Grizzly I looked w/out makeup... the over exposure of my cam actually made me look pretty damn good.. if I must say so myself lmao  Posted by Hello

Friday, July 23, 2004

G'morning TGIF

It's Friday! I really like Friday. It's the start of my ritualized procrastination. I always promise myself I'm going to "insert mundane and hopelessly boring task here" this weekend. And I never do. This weekend I'm promising myself I'm going to do a deep clean on the house. We'll see...

Today is "employee appreciation" day at work. An event so fun it promises to make your butt pucker and your urine glow! If your lucky your appendix might just rupture from the joy! Woo hoo... (do you see that big puddle.. that's the sarcasm.. don't step in that. It's on my "to be cleaned list")

The only good thing about EA day is the possibility of winning decent loot. TVs, DVD players, gift cards to major importers of slave manufacturing. Other than that it's typical office BS. Games designed (by a caffeine maddened member of upper management) to appeal to as few people as possible... I think a Syphilitic monkey would be more entertaining, and possibly more logical, and better articulated.. but I digress. At least it does mean free lunch... If you call hot dogs, chips, and a substandard cake lunch. Oh well.. I'm broke.. I'll eat it. Pray for me...

Anyway, I didn't kill any family members or my love in my dreams last night.. That I can remember anyway. It's actually a ... uhh good?.. thing to be killed in my dreams. It's a sign that I really honestly care for you. Strange, eh? Well, I've never claimed to be normal.

Be good.. or at least wait till I get there to be bad! Yall have fun.

Thursday, July 22, 2004

The Dream

After a few weeks of relatively peaceful sleep my old friend, The Dream, decided to visit again last night. I've had this dream for as long as I can remember. There have been minor variations in the cast of characters but the gist has always been the same.

I'm in a large yard with my son and father. We are quite a goodly ways from the house playing in the yard. A light summer shower sends us running under the cool green shelter of a Weeping Willow tree. The boughs of the tree touch the ground all around us making a beautiful and peaceful respite from the rain. My father and I are talking about god only knows what, while my son starts climbing the tree.

He calls down to me.. Hey mom, there are kittens up here. I look up in the branches and see what look to be tiger cubs 4 of them. I feel my first stirring of unease and call my son down out of the branches. As he climbs down the cats start moving toward us climbing down after him. They are growing as they get closer. When my son first saw them they were about the size of your hand.. new born. As they move down from branch to branch I watch them growing..

Hurry up, we need to get inside, I call to my son.. As he drops the last little distance to stand beside me my father says "they are the size of toy poodles... they looked alot smaller up in the branches".. fear spreads in me.. They were alot smaller then I tell him..

We decide to go to the house and as we pass under the umbrella of willow branches I hear the first cry of anger from the cats.. an ugly, primal, and high pitched scream. My father grabs my son and we begin running to the house. About half way there I look over my shoulder.. the tigers are gaining.. and growing.. they are now the size of a collie.. Ice cold terror pours into my stomach.. 3/4 of the way to the house I feel the wind from a paw as it swipes at me.. sending a terrified glance over my shoulder I see bestial hunger only inches away.. in the eyes of a tiger that is now the size of a small pony..

My father roughly shoves my son into my arms never breaking stride and tells me to get to the house where we will be safe.. the last thing I hear is "I love you J. I've always been proud of you" and he turns to the tigers to buy me and my son time to get to safety. My son is screaming and I'm holding his face against me to keep him from seeing what I can hear happening behind us .. we run.. I run.. and leave my father behind.. to face hell crafted out of orange and black fur.. white fangs..

Only a few feet to the house.. I hear screaming.. wailing and begging.. and realize its me. Imploring them to open the door god damnit.. open the fucking door

As I prepare to hit the door it's opened.. I sprawl into the house rolling in my fall to keep from landing on my son.. I scrabble over to door and slam it shut seconds before its hit by a large and heavy thud from outside. My beau stands there open mouthed looking at me fumbling for the deadbolt.. what happened to you, he asks. Just bar the door with something.. anything.. I'm leaning against it.. hearing yowls of frustration.. screams of anger.. the tiger sounds like a woman trying to scream through of mouth full of broken glass in its fury. He drags the sofa in front of the door.. I'm oddly calm.. in shock.. tasting blood like hot electrified pennies in my mouth from biting my tongue when I fell.. I grab my son and tell my beau to come with me.. we can see the glare from an eye though the sheer curtains.. the eye takes up a full pane in the window.. Only one tiger has followed this far.. the other 3 are circling something in the yard.. something that doesn't resemble anything human anymore.. when my beau realizes what they are circling he turns white.. I begin to sob..

running into the bedroom I slam the door behind us.. we can hear the beast tearing thru the front door.. the dresser is pushed against the door.. and I run into the closet.. standing on boxes I open the trap door to the attic and shove my son in that dark recess.. as I turn back to the bedroom door I can see rips opening in the wood.. like paper.. made by claws fully 6 inches apart.. and almost a foot long. My love turns to me.. kisses me violently and then boosts me into the attic as the paw breaks thru the door. A paw fully 3 feet across...

As I close the trap door I can hear far too well what I've cost the man I love..

And now.. we are trapped.. in the hot stinking attic. I look out the one window..

they are circling the house..

they are hungry...

and they are growing...

Soon.. they will be large enough..

To knock the side of the house off..

like opening a hinged doll house..

soon.. I've never been so powerless.. so afraid..

soon... they are growing..

I cradle my son .. I promise to die before they get him..

soon.... soon... I'll get my chance

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Peanut Butter

I'm feeling a bit domestic today so I'm making Peanut Butter cookies w/ my son. There are few things in this world I love more than Peanut Butter. Just the words damn near make my panties sweat!

It's not surprise that my son loves Peanut Butter as much as I do. The entire time I was pregnant I ate.. don't puke, they are good really! anyway.. I ate Peanut Butter, alfalfa sprout and honey sandwiches. MMMMM

Of course my cookies are made w/ Low fat peanut butter and splenda.. but beggars can't be choosers. Even with these handicaps they are still balicous (as my son puts it)

On other fronts .. my nemesis at work seems to have made alot of people angry while I was out sick Monday. I don't know how it happened.. but she's catching alot of hell. She made a mild flirt to a male coworker today and his response.. Gee, I'd love too.. but I don't have any 2x4's. She was puzzled.. and asked what he meant. He replies.. Well as often as you use that thing I'd have to have a 6 foot 2x4 tied to my ass to keep from falling in.

I love this guy.. If I wasn't already taken I'd kiss him lol.. and if he wasn't married.. with twins on the way.. and wasn't 24.. well anyway.. I love this guy lmao

I despise phone automation! Nothing makes me want to go on a homicidal rampage quite as much as "for account information press 1, for service in English press 2" Bullshit... I'm the person that just pushes 0000 till I get a human!

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Are they bigger in TX?

DALLAS (Reuters) - A Texas woman charged with violating obscenity laws for selling a sexual toy and explaining to her customer how to use it has had the case against her dismissed, court officials said on Monday.

Joanne Webb, a mother of three and a former schoolteacher in the town of Burleson near Forth Worth, was facing up to a year in jail after she sold a vibrator at a private party to two undercover police officers posing as a married couple.

So See.. Georgia isn't the only repressed state in the union. I'm glad I bought my "novelties" in other states/mail order.

Monday, July 19, 2004

Browsing Bloggs

I went on a hunt for new bloggs tonight for lack of anything better to do. I started just looking at a few from GA that had interests that intrigued me. I ended up bookmarking one.

Then I just ran down the list of recently updated looking for names I liked. You know creative, but with some sign that intelligent life might exist on the site. I found 4 in a row that were great titles. However, they were brand new bloggs lol. OK crash and burn on the attempt to delve into the minds of fellow bloggers tonight.

On a completely unrelated subject.. It amuses me to show someone something and have them respond with Ohhhh My Gawd, I never knew that even existed. Where.. who.. how do you know about this?

I guess I enjoy shocking, educating, or enlightening people. All three at once is lovely. However, people are, generally speaking, not as easy to shock as they once were. Thankfully, there are still some fairly sheltered types out there I can corrupt.. umm I mean... umm Anyway!

Of course I was a bit shocked tonight to read in a blogg that Julia Roberts was on TV milking a HORSE! (I'm sorry I don't remember which blogg I read it on.. if you see this leave a comment and I will gladly credit you)

I've been home most of the day. I had to leave work early due to the funk that is going around. Intestinal.. pretty bad stuff. So I've had plenty of time (between trips to the bathroom) to surf Bloggs.

Well, ladies and gents, boys and girls. I do believe I am done for the night. Be good, enjoy, and g'night.

He's back

Yay! My beau has been out of (his) town for the last several days. I'm glad to say he's back and I was able to talk to him last night. I'd missed him.

Of course, him being back means I won't be blogging 9 times in 3 days... but that could be a good thing lol. Yes, you ,sadly, were my crutch while I had no one else.

He called and we talked for hours, as we usually do. We didn't talk about what I thought we would. Of course, being predictable can get very unappealing, so it's all for the best I'm sure.

So in short, Yay! He's back. See, I could have saved myself alot of key strokes. Those 3 words sum it up.

A gaggle of my best online friends got together in Quebec for a meet. It was great to get to see them all in one place, to hear them laughing and talking together over the mic. It was hell to not be there with them. I love you guys. But, you know that. Please be careful on the way back home. DON'T GET LOST AGAIN!

Oh well, Monday morning is beckoning me again. I have to get to work. You know if I could just change those unrealistic views my son has.. Then I could work part time.. I mean really.. does he really need to eat 3 times a day.. He's got the funniest ideas about that LMAO

Sunday, July 18, 2004

100 Things about me

I've seen this on a few posts and decided to try to come up w/ 100 things about me because.... well because I can, and I'm bored to tears. List started at 11:46 am...

1. Jennifer is my "real" first name

2. I'm a single mom

3. I love sunflower seeds in the shell

4. coffee coffee coffee I love coffee!

5. My house is way too cluttered with nicknacks and books

6. I went to a private Baptist school for 6th grade... shudder

7. I currently have 3 things I need to return to a retailer for a replacement. I'll probably throw them away. I'm bad about getting around to stuff like that.

8. I remember almost none of my 3 years of French. C'est vrai

9. I once spent 3 months eating English peas and rice because I was so broke. Ditto for Ramen noodles.

10. I never turn off my bathroom light. Never. I don't know why.

11. I had a midwife for my pregnancy. I was going to have my son at home.

12. My son was 2 wks over due so I had to go to the hospital and be induced. Still went natural childbirth though.

13. If I'd had a daughter I would have named her Amira Renee.

14. I'm vain about my hair.

15. And lips.

16. I smoke too damn much.

17. I have one tattoo on my left shoulder blade.. a 4 leaf clover

18. I've never had a professional facial.

19. I really like peppered beef jerky.

20. I own well over 300 books.. I stopped counting at 300. About 1/3 of them are hardcover.

21. I own 50 movies. About 75% of them are Disney movies. They are for my son... no really they are.

22. I collect hourglasses.

23. I don't wear makeup often.

24. I watch on average a grand total of 2 hrs of TV a MONTH! I never watch TV.

25. I own a cat, goldfish, and a Sudan plated lizard.

26. My bird and albino crayfish have died in the last month.

27. I am looking at busts of Nefertiti, and King Tut. I also have small statues of Bastet, Anubis, Isis, Ra, well you see where this is going.

28. In my living room I have oriental deities...

29. My bedroom walls are mint green. I like green.

30. I only have 2 working clocks in my house.. the PC clock and a wall clock in this same room.

31. I refuse to get a cell phone.

32. I prefer multi-grain or wheat bread over white hands down!

33. I have been in love with a woman.

34. I prefer men.

35. Even though I don't understand them.

36. I'm my father's only child..

37. My mother's first of 5 children.

38. All 5 of us kids have names that start with J.

39. I named my son James... my brother married a woman named Julia.

40. I have seen my cervix.. my doc showed it to me reflected in a mirror.

41. I'm not afraid of spiders, snakes or other creatures most women seem to be.

42. I own power tools.

43. And I can use them well.

44. The first ceiling fan I installed took me 3 hours and every cuss word I knew. Now I can do it in 20 mins flat.

45. I haven't purchased table sugar in almost 3 yrs.

46. I think its pretty damn hard to come up with 100 decent things about yourself. Sure I could just list all the foods I like.. but that's cheating lol

47. I've read 3 books in the last 7 days.

48. I know the Cat in the Hat by heart. My son has dyslexia and we are working hard on that book.

49. I really like Stuart McLean's monologues on the Vinyl Café.

50. I look in people's medicine cabinets when I'm visiting and have to use the restroom.

51. I am a terrible speller.. Thank the Gods for speell chekc.

52. I pride myself on being able to talk intelligently about almost any subject.

53. I have "fun only" friends and "serious only" friends... they hate each other.

54. I do lots of crafts when I'm bored or lonely.

55. I never forget to tell my son I love him at least a dozen times a day. Heck we get into I love you more fights .. Me: I love you more then all the leaves on the trees... Him: I love you more than all the fish in the ocean.. Me: I love you more than all the lightning bugs.. etc

56. I own 4 flashlights. None has working batteries.

57. I have an inverted left nipple... breast feeding didn't pull it out damn it.

58. I had RNY Gastric By Pass surgery two and a half years ago.

59. I weighed 450 + lbs on the day of surgery (my doc didnt have a scale that went up high enough) and wore a size 38 plus size

60. Now I weigh 235 lbs and wear a 16/18

61. I own a hand held GPS receiver .. and use it to go Geocaching. http://www.geocaching.com/

62. I've never been in a cop car.

63. I have sloppy penmanship.

64. I stopped biting my nails about a year ago.

65. I'm very proud of my nails now. I almost never paint them though.

66. I've broken/fractured my right ankle twice. Once in Jr. High and once a few months ago.

67. I've never bought a car from a car dealership.

68. I didn't own a VCR until about 5-6 yrs ago. My dad gave it to me for Christmas with a note that said "Welcome to the 80's"

69. ha.. I don't enjoy 69 .. the position..

70. I'm not brand loyal about anything.

71. I prefer real cream in my coffee. If I have to I can drink it black.

72. I'm drinking coffee right now. At 12:38 in the afternoon.

73. I despise morning people.. wink

74. I'm not superstitious.

75. I have a fear of heights if I'm not on firm footing.

76. I've never flown. (edit: I flew in September 04 from SE coast to NW coast)

77. With that said I really really want to go skydiving one day.

78. I can't think of anyone that I "hate"

79. I do, however, hate being called Jenny.. grr.. just typing it .. ugh

80. I don't like liver, spinach, eggs, mushrooms or asparagus.

81. I've never been more than a few hundred miles from home. (edit: In September 04 I traveled almost 3500 miles one way to meet the man that I hope will be my husband soon)

82. I've seen many space shuttle launches in person.

83. I remember when 40 was old. lmao

84. I can touch the tip of my nose w/ my tongue.

85. I dream in 3rd person most of the time.

86. I don't believe in love at first sight.

87. I really like popcorn.

88. I'm so pale that when I broke down one night... I raised my shirt and was able to reflect enough light from the headlights off my stomach to see into the engine and fix the loose connection.

89. I smile alot.

90. I love to see/make people laugh.

91. I type "..." alot

92. I kill plants. No matter how careful I am.

93. I'd rather clean the bathroom than do dishes.

94. I'm very punctual. I hate being late!

95. I'd rather have a house full of love, games, and fun than to have a spotless house.

96. I suck at cross word puzzles. Mostly because of my poor spelling.

97. I have an oral fixation.

98. I only own 3 pairs of shoes.

99. I'm self conscious about my excess skin from my weight loss.

100. I'm glad I took the time to do this... I'm pretty interesting lol

Whew! It's now 1:05 pm It took me an hour and 20 mins to come up with 100 things about me.

Saturday, July 17, 2004

Loss of convenience

The day I have feared for some time has come to pass.  I'm feeling an acute sense of loss.  My ... sniff, sniff... microwave has died (sob).  After many, many years of faithful service... it has finally made it's way to the big repair shop in the sky.  This loss is indeed grave... only the coffee machine and my shower head were more revered and deeply rooted in my heart. 
Oh the memories... never again will I be able to push 245 and have hot buttery popcorn.  Or or.. reheating coffee.. yes that was priceless.. However, I must push on... with that said...
I went to Wally-world to buy a replacement, yes it had to be done.  I got to the aisle in question... Dear GOD!  I mean really!  For some of those prices I would expect the damn thing to be able to perform Shakespeare.  Sadly, very sadly.. buying a replacement will have to wait.  At least for a week. 
Oh well, I guess this means I'll actually have to cook again... with pots and everything!  Imagine.. egads.. this means I'll have to do dishes at least once a day... *gasp*  the horror, oh the humanity!

I am not a pretty girl

that is not what I do
I ain't no damsel in distress
and I don't need to be rescued
so put me down punk
maybe you'd prefer a maiden fair
isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere
I am not an angry girl
but it seems like I've got everyone fooled
imagine you're a girl
just trying to finally come clean
knowing full well they'd prefer you
were dirty and smiling
and I am sorry
I am not a maiden fair
and I am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere
what if there are no damsels in distress
what if I knew that and I called your bluff?
don't you think every kitten figures out how to get down
whether or not you ever show up
I am not a pretty girl
I don't want to be a pretty girl
no I want to be more than a pretty girl
(lyrics by ani defranco)

Chruch Sign

I found a "weird church sign" site... I liked this one.. Posted by Hello

Hairy Potter

This is the closest I'm going to get to seeing the movie for awhile..  Posted by Hello

Friday, July 16, 2004

Foot Fetish?

Man Jailed for Allegedly Sucking Toes 

Strange News - AP 
GREENSBURG, Pa. - A man sucked the toes or kissed the feet of two women and a girl in surprise assaults, police said. 

A 12-year-old told police that she was reading at the library when James M. Kilpatrick, 21, of Greensburg, started kissing her feet, then offered her 22-year-old sister a dollar to let him do the same to her.

At a nearby park, one woman told police she dozed off while sunbathing and woke up to find Kilpatrick sucking her toes. Another woman had her toes sucked when she stopped to read a memorial plaque in the park, police said.

Kilpatrick remained jailed unable to post $10,000 bond Friday, a day after he waived his right to a preliminary hearing on indecent assault and other charges including stalking, corruption of minors and harassment.

All the incidents occurred between July 3 and July 9. All the victims picked out Kilpatrick from a photo lineup, police said.

It wasn't immediately clear if Kilpatrick has an attorney.

And here I thought a few of my ex's were weird LMAO

Odd Talk

Tid bits of conversation I over heard today:
(From the chick in the bathroom stall next me on her cellphone)
The doctor said it wasn't that contagious.  No really, a few pills and it'll be gone.... I don't know why your so panicking so much... hello....hello...
(A coworker trying to explain to a dealership that just because you buy a new car doesn't mean you have a new insurance policy)
Well, sir.. It's like this.  I've lived in my apartment for 3 years.  I just got a new sofa last week.  It doesn't make it a new apartment!    *I must admit they stole this from me lol  I've said it to many many people*
(While I was walking past a trio of people at lunch)
I'd die before I went to the hospital and told a doctor I had a (unintelligible) stuck up my ass.  *Hell I dropped my money in a ploy to try to buy time and figure out what the hell they were talking about.. no go.. you figure it out lol*
(heard a claims rep say to a customer)
No sir, if your mad at your ex and run over her dog, flowerbed, and mailbox on purpose.. as you've told me you did.. we won't cover damages to your car.  Please refer to the portion of your contract that says "intentional damage"
And you thought working in insurance was boring! lol

Thursday, July 15, 2004

Whats a little blood between friends

Well, today was the blood drive at work.  We have one every few months.  Red Cross comes and milks our 3000 employees dry. 
My nemesis at work volunteered to give blood today.  The following conversation caused me no end of secret pleasure!
Me:  Now L you know they aren't going to let you give blood!
Her: Why not?
Me:  Well when they ask if you've had unprotected sex with more than 8 people and you reply "This week?"  They are going to turn you down.
Her:  Open mouthed stare while the rest of our group laughed their asses off.
She went to donate blood and came back up looking kinda embarrassed about 20 minutes later.  One of the other ladies asked her why she was back so soon. 
Her:  Well they pulled me up in the computer and said I couldn't give.. I needed to call this 800#
Me: Snickering quietly
Male Coworker:  L has a STD, L has a STD (chanting in the tune of Mary had a little lamb)
Me: more snickering..
Her:  Shut up!  I called the number and they said my last donation was backed up in the lab, they hadn't tested it yet so I couldn't give.  Besides my iron was low!
Male Coworker:  Uh huh.. L has a STD .. (mental note buy him lunch tomorrow)
After this I had to use the restroom so I'm sitting there on my butt gasket (offical name Toilet Seat Cover) and I happen to look over at the little trashcan that is in my stall.  Some wit had stuck their "I gave blood today" sticker on the door.  That combined with the above conversation had me stifling giggles in my palm. 
You know people worry if you laugh hysterically in the bathroom stall of an insurance company!

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

HTML hell

Damn.. trying to get the Blogroll feature to work so I can link to my friends' site took for-fucking-ever!

Zepp, I don't know if you read this or not.. but you were a life saver lol. I pulled up your blogg analyzed the source code and figured out where I'd been going wrong for the last hour or two. Thank you!

So those of you that do read my blogg if you would (or would not) like me to put a link to your page let me know. I'll wait a few days for the "no's" to filter in and then start adding folks. LOL Silence gives consent, right?

Now that the fiasco is over.. whew!

I did go by my mothers today for a few minutes after work. She was fairly normal (for her) we talked for a few. She invited me to stay for a drink.. I told her I had to go. The more things change the more they stay the same. Oh well..

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

3 faces of mom

My mother.. good lord. What can I say about mom? Well, she changes direction more than an oscillating fan. She can make Sybil look well adjusted and stable.

I've grown used to the fact that she has EXTREME mood swings. Over the last ten years I've come to realize that I have 3 mothers. One is religious mom. Then there is party mom. My favorite mom is middle mom. Middle mom is somewhere between the extremes.

Religious mom drives me crazy. She'll be deep fried religious for some length of time. Could be 4 days or 7 months... you just never know. She'll decide she has to "get right with God", spend an unholy amount of money on gospel music and Christian books, tapes, stickers, whatever she can find. She will harp about my lifestyle.. I'm not married, I've got a child out of wedlock, I wear pants, and cut my hair, blah, blah, blah. She'll never quit drinking though. Apparently the only reason Jesus didn't turn the water into Wild Turkey was because the apostles didn't want to add too many keystrokes to the bible. lol She's spent the last several months as religious mom.

Party mom.. well, party mom is out there. Drugs, alcohol, shocking behavior of all types are the sign party mom is making a come back. Pot, cocaine, Zany bars (zanax), shrooms, ecstasy, and gallons of liquor are not out of the question when she's in party mom mood.

Middle mom is pretty ok. Fairly responsible, she still drinks, but she has a healthy respect for god (in my opinion). Middle mom is the only one I can stand to be around for more than 15 minutes. It's also the one time I'm really comfortable allowing my son to spend any time with her.

Well, as some of you know my 24 yr old brother is now living in mom's house. He's been fighting a crack addiction .. and doing very well I might add. He still drinks way more than I'd like .. but one thing at a time I guess. While mom was in religious mode she decided to help him clean up and be a good example for him.

My mother came home this weekend. With Zany Bars. Not good. First thing she does is offer some to my brother.. great example mom! Oh but he can only have some if he snorts it. A drunken drug induced weekend of bickering between her and her husband drove my brother to come to my house last night for some sanity. He brought his beer of course.

I'm asking how things are going, the usual. He begins to tell me all about mom and how psychotic she can be.. like I didn't know! Mom gets home and makes the statement to my bro that all she could get was Zanax she wanted coke. Oh goody! When they ran out of zanies she actually had the following conversation with the gas station clerk

Mom: Hey can you get me any behind the counter stuff?
Clerk: What do you mean?
Mom: I want some coke or zany bars.. oh will you date my son?

My brother was praying to be struck by lightning. Said he hadn't been that embarrassed in years. And I cant blame him.

So what sage words of wisdom did my mother have for my recovering drug addict brother... Don't go out and buy drugs.. I'll be home every 2 weeks now and I'll bring something with me.

GRRRR *deep breaths* I about lost it when J (my bro) told me that!

My sister called my mother this past weekend drunk as a skunk (do you see a trend w/ my family yet?) Sis was crying and carrying on .. mom hung up on her.. now I've been tempted to a time or two.. but really! I asked mom what she was crying about.. mom says.. Oh I wasn't really paying attention.. but I think the new boyfriend may have hit her. WTF!!! NOT PAYING ATTENTION.. and you hung up on her? I ask... Yeah she was just bringing me down. I had a good buzz going. Jesus wept! At that point I hung up on mom.. it was safest.

So.. now you get a glimpse at my mother and siblings.. I love them.. I really do.. I just don't like them much alot of the time. Party mom is back. This means I wont be seeing much of her for awhile. I cant be around that shit. I wont let my son be around that kind of behavior.

Now you know why I call my mother by her given name. Now you know why I often avoid them like the plague when they are like this. Now you know... I love them so much, but the drama, strife, and depression they sometimes wallow in is not something I chose to endure.

Please, pray middle mom makes a speedy comeback!


Dear god.. I dont even have the strength to post the "mom bullshit" tonight.. I'll fill you in after I get home from work on Tues...

Sunday, July 11, 2004

Words of Wisdom?

Warning.. Possible weird stuff coming up... I'm checking my email.

As a Cat owner I found this to be hilarious.. LMAO

OH yeah.. Georgia's got it under control .. uh huh.. surreee
ATLANTA - It's bad enough that Fulton County Jail has over-
crowded cells, broken laundry facilities, poor ventilation,
and seeping sewage. Now, the jail must deal with the fact
that an inmate escaped from a maximum-security wing while
guards were performing as extras during the making of a rap
music video behind bars. Rapper Clifford Harris, known as
T.I., was permitted to use a cell, guards and inmates as
props and extras for his music video. The inmate, a convicted
forger jailed on a parole violation, used this opportunity
to make her big escape. Wearing the blue medical scrubs she
had on when she entered the prison, she quietly slipped out
a door used by employees. Problems at the jail have been
growing for years, but just got worse with this incident.
Now a federal judge is expected to take away control of the
jail from the sheriff and turn it over to someone else.
(from bizarre news.com)

Sometimes we just need to remember what the 10 Rules of Life really are:

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "you are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.
7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"
8. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

Rae, Peachy This ones for yall.

Top 10 Questions You Should Never Ask When Being Interviewed For A Job :

1. What's your company's policy on severance pay?
2. How long does it take your company's bureaucracy to get
around to firing somebody for poor performance?
3. Could I get an office that's really close to the exit?
4. Does your company's life insurance cover suicide?
5. Who's the ugly bitch in that picture on your desk?
6. Does your company's insurance consider genital herpes a
pre-existing condition?
7. How many sick days do you allow each employee before you
stop paying them for not being here?
8. Does your insurance cover sex-change operations?
9. Does your LAN have a firewall that blocks triple-X websites?
10. How frequently do your accountants audit petty cash?

Saturday, July 10, 2004

Badgering the Melting Cactus

I have done nothing of note today.. and that alone is noteworthy.

I played Zelda for a few hours.
Read The Color Purpleby Alice Walker. One of my favorite books. Highly recommended. At least watch the movie if nothing else!
I got several Vinyl Cafés downloaded.
Played Scrabble against the computer.
Didn't answer the phone for anyone..

Ahh.. I love my child free week.

A few things to ponder:

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because
the average man can see better than he can think.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you
feel happy to be on your way.

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I
thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Planning to be spontaneous

Ahh.. Saturday. A wonderful word in my vocabulary. One that often is the only thing that keeps me from going insane around Wednesday.

My plans today are pretty simple. To steal a line from my beau "I'm working on being aggressively indolent. A pursuit that I am enjoying moderate success at."

I wish my landlord had thought to leave the key to her fence with me as she usually does. There is nothing I'd rather do this morning than go for a long, leisurely swim. I might go see if I can get in or if she left the key in her usual hiding spot for me. Barring that, I have planned a Zelda-fest (Wind Waker)this morning. My love and I talked very late into the night/morning and I still woke up at 9 am. I'm going to play the Game Cube until my thumbs hurt. We've not had the Game Cube long and since I rarely have time to do as I please that my son isn't using it I've barely touched the damn thing! If/When I get bored or frustrated with Zelda I'm planning on doing some reading, or possibly do a bit more tye-dye.

Well, I'm off to make myself a pancake breakfast with my standard cup of Joe to round the meal out. Enjoy yourselves.

Friday, July 09, 2004

Introspection # (ah who cares)

So, where am I? I mean really where am I? I'm in love with a man.. shocking.. a man is in love with me. Even more unconscionable.. they are the same man.

He's surprised to find out that I am fairly insecure on some issues. It seems my "impervious bitch" facade works very well. Men freak me out a bit. I've had some pretty bad experiences at the hands of men. If I'd met him under different circumstances, or he'd been less cerebral, I'm sure he would have fallen into the threshing machine that is my knee jerk reaction to men.. Odd I know.

I've pondered at great lengths just what it is about him that he got the "get out of jail" free card. I really don't know what it is. I just know that sometimes he frightens me. I feel myself giving up most of my self protective measures for him. I can actually imagine being his wife, trusting him enough to be a father to my son. Inconcievable... but true. As much as it distresses me occasionally, I still don't want that to change.

Yes, I've dated in the last few years. I've dated men that were good men but I knew they weren't right for me. And I wasn't terribly upset when things didn't work out. They didn't consume me the way he does. They weren't my equals.. he is. I never considered a future with them.

I'm almost 30.. I'm too damn old to feel this flaky. After a sleepless night a few weeks ago and some in depth hard grilling of my inner self I've come to the conclusion that I AM willing to pack up my life, my son's life, and move to be with him just as soon as I can, which is at least 8 months from now. I'm willing to walk out of the shadow of the things that comfort and protect me (however feebly) to reach for the future. I love him, possibly for the first time since my son's father I really love a man. And he loves me... shocking.

I do love you Les. Fear not, I'm not going to turn tail and hide from you or your affections. I want you. I need you. I have faith in you, respect for you, and hope. Thank you. For everything.

Faith is not the towering oak that sees storms come and go. It is the fragile blossom that opens in the snow.

Thursday, July 08, 2004

Let freedom ring!

WOO HOO!! It is here.. the one week a year I long for. This is why I love summer!

I am child free for the next 8 glorious days. I can do anything I want to. I can walk naked through the house at all hours, I can play my music as loud as I want, I can chat without interruption, I can go a whole week without having to do laundry or dishes!

Now this would be a great time to indulge in some serious debauchery. However, the only person I want to ravish me is not here.. *sniff* .. Oh well.. I can still walk around naked!

James will be enjoying the sunny beaches of St. Augustine, Florida with my landlords/babysitters/adopted grandparents. Its hard to describe them. Thank God for Shirley and Harold. They've saved our lives a time or two. But anyway... I love St. Augustine. We went often when I was young. The beaches are stunning, the Spanish archetecute... its great. James likes it for the Alligator farm, beaches, and the Ripley's believe it or not museum. Their advertising slogan I saw on a billboard one day was great. "28 miles of snow white beaches.. and the rest is history"

A bit of formal history:

Established as a city in 1565, this is the oldest permanent European settlement in the continental U.S. -- it was founded 42 years before the English colonized Jamestown, 45 years before the Spanish established Santa Fe and 55 years before the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock.

On the waterfront near the Old City is the Castillo De San Marcos National Monument, a Spanish fortress built in the late 1600s. It's all but impregnable: The walls are about 14 ft/4 m thick at the base and made of local shellrock -- look for the tiny shells in the walls. (This is impressive! It's made from shellrock.. the shells are at most 1/2 inch across each.)

The old Spanish sector still has alot of the original stores set in narrow grid street fashion and you can buy ANYTHING there. I always loved the armory. You could go in the morning and watch the master sword-smith work at the forge making swords, helmets and body armor. Not far away is the fabled Fountain of Youth that Ponce De Leon was searching for. The water tastes terrible.. alot of sulfur in it. And since he is dead.. clearly it has no real mystical or anti aging powers LOL. There's a wax museum, an old Spanish military hospital and prison (some of the exhibits from those two are GRISLY.. brrrr)

So what will I be doing while my son is getting tanned and educated.. NOTHING!! Yay! Walking around naked.. Basking in quiet.. Going for drives at 3 am if I feel like it. I can almost pretend I'm a carefree teen again... Now if only I didn't have to work.. and had some money I could be dangerous LOL

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Yahoo pix

Oh and I uploaded some misc pix to my yahoo profile folder.

Chris is my brother.. sorry ladies he's taken
Linda is my stepmonster.. um mother
Ken.. the guy standing .. is my son's father
The Beer is a candle that I made for my mother's husband one year.. no I dont let James drink lol.. if you look carefully you'll see a small tattoo type bandage on his head.. the first of many stitches.. gad he's clumsy.

Downtown Jax

What seems like a million years ago I was on the top floor of the Barnet Building (the tall pointy one) watching fireworks over the St. Johns River. I love Jax. So many good and bad times all rolled into one city.  Posted by Hello

So there you go

. Some Pix from Florida.. oh wait I forgot one more.. brb w/ it.

James and Dad.. Ready to ride Posted by Hello

The circle is complete... His father and I used to hang out at this park alot.. gazing out at the river.. talking about friends, family, and work. James enjoyed sitting on the edge of the fountain and looking at the yachts go by as much as I did way back when. Posted by Hello

Statue in the park Posted by Hello

Dad, James, and myself. Posted by Hello

My Brother, his wife, and my new niece, who was not happy Posted by Hello

Hi honey, I'm home

Whew! There is nothing like being home. I went to Jacksonville, FL to see my family over the holiday weekend. It had been far to long. My father was all but howling with frustration, I had a new baby niece I'd yet to see, and misc friends were also clamoring for me to visit.

All and all a very enjoyable trip. Traffic wasn't too bad, my son played with "grandpa" until the two of them were driving my stepmother and I crazy.

My father and my son spent the weekend chasing each other around the house tickling, fighting, and driving the dog nuts. The dog would bark at dad every time he had James on the ground wrestling.. which was all the time! My son rode for hours on dad's motorcycle, something which was pretty touching for me. I remember when a motorcycle was all the transportation dad and I had. Watching my little boy helmet up and climb up there.. dad taking just as much care to make sure he was secure.. and then that little helmeted form waving and blowing kisses to me from the seat behind my father... well... it was priceless..

My niece, Suzanna, is beautiful. A real wiggly necked, chubby legged, gassy bundle of joy. I miss infants! Every now and then, I give thought to having another child.. then of course, the crack wears off LMAO. j/k.. but hell you know that. I can't imagine starting over. My son is 7. By the time I'm having sex again he'll be at least 8. Then the two or three years of "will he and I work?" before I would be comfortable having a kid.. see what I mean. Nah.. I don't see it happening. If it were to happen, I'd deal with it. But, I'm certainly not planning on it.

I, of course, went on a drive thru the city of my birth. I got to show my son parks I played in as a kid, schools I went to, places that I haunted as a child/teen, and ... where his father and I lived, and (at the time) loved. My son is at the age where he really is questioning why his father is not here. I'm having a very hard time trying to give him answers. I answered as honestly as I could. I didn't put an unnatural "happy face" on the situation, nor did I criticize his father.

Damn, it's hard to go home... Yes, I still consider it home though I've lived here 10 years. It may be home.. but I'll never live there again, much to the dismay of my father and other assorted family. C'est la vie.

I did take some pix which I will have to get developed. I forgot my digital camera .. *insert cussing here* So I don't know how they will turn out with my stepmothers 35mm. I'll post a few here if any of them are decent.

As much fun as I had.. It was nice to be back and get to talk with my love. I missed him. I missed his voice. I love him. And I can be patient. But it is occasionally hard. However, nothing worth having is ever easy...

Love yall.. I gotta head off to work. Be good.

Thursday, July 01, 2004


De corde totaliter Et ex mente tota, Sum presentialiter Absens in remota.

Latin: With all my heart, and all my soul, I am with you, though I am far.

discretion.. use it.. love it

Ok.. now on to the less profound lol You know I almost don't like writing about that kind of thing. I always worry I'll come across as condescending, egotistical, or snobbish. Oh well...

My day was good. I got a few hours of sleep last night that were deep and dreamless, as far as I remember. Woke up on time.. said "Hell, NO" and slept for another 30 mins. Of course, this meant I had to hurry to get to work on time, but even I need more than 90 mins of sleep a night lol.

Work was work. My nemesis and I had a bit of a altercation last week and as a result I told my boss he needed to move me before someone got fired. He did so, and rather discretely for him. (The one thing I don't like about my supervisor is his lack of discretion. Instead of waiting awhile after you voice a complaint, in order to give you some anonymity, he will often charge right off) He had a rather long and heated talk with my co-worker and she has since decided to stop her petty actions toward me.

I spent a good portion of my day thinking about my beau, as usual. He is something of a catalyst for me. I find myself actually being able to say words like wife, love, trust, and faith with out too much fear or shuddering. LOL Of course if things work out badly (Dear Gods, please no) I will have a very large emotional mess to clean up. Yes, I'm unnerved, mildly frightened, and wondrously incredulous at my reaction to him at times. C'est la vie.. I've done the impossible before.

I left work an hour early so I could take care of a few mundane things that have to be done during "bank hours". Came home, cleaned, cooked, blogged and here I am.

I'm packed and ready to go to see my father on Saturday morning. Something, I am both eager and loathe to do. Now, my going on a family visit means you will have almost 3 whole days without my oddities, ramblings, and inconsistencies. Hope you enjoy them! lol

Have you ever noticed I spend alot of time with conflicting emotions? LOL

Anyway.. Love yall..

I am

I do not intend to tiptoe through life, only to arrive safely at death.

I came across this saying while looking for the "Whoopass" cartoon I posted awhile back. It has been a long time since something struck me as so fundamentally representative of the way I view my outlook on life.

I am not saying that I am never torn by indecision, or occasionally overcome by trepidation. I, too, have had the "deer in the headlights" phenomenon occur to me. All that notwithstanding, I believe in living life today, here, and now. This may impress you as odd and/or false since I do spend alot of my time here looking back at my past. However, we can only initiate change or growth by acknowledging the good/bad of our past.

I try not to spend much time on the "coulda, woulda, shouldas". There is no point. I accept my past and do the best I can with whatever outcome I have received. All that has been has contributed to who I am.

So, who am I?

I tell you, if you'd asked me a month ago the answer might have been a bit different than it is evolving to be at this time. I'm undergoing a bit of introspection to try to answer this question, for myself.

Here are somethings I know about me. I am:
a survivor
a strong willed woman (my polite way of saying stubborn as a mule)
a mother
a analytical person
an emotionally fragile person at times
self reliant
possessing too much pride at times
a chameleon
trustworthy and faithful
distrustful of men
loyal to the people I love
beautiful inside and out (though I do have occasional doubts)
a closet romantic

Believe it or not... don't laugh... I used to be painfully shy. I was a compulsive liar at one point. I have been, in the past, far more free with my physical affections than I like to admit, even to myself. I was spineless, afraid to state my opinion, afraid to admit I even had one.

There came a point (long ago), when I reflected back on my life, and was disgusted. This person was not what I wanted to be. I have since taken steps to be the woman you know today. Perhaps, I have overcompensated in some areas, but at least I can respect the kind of woman I am. I am NOT afraid to stand up for myself. I am NOT afraid to tell the truth, even when it's painful and I find myself groping for the words. I am NOT a doormat, or an instinctively cowering, simpering, reflection of your (collective) desires. I will NOT wear the masks you demand of me.

I AM proud of me. I will speak my mind, even if my voice shakes. I will admit I'm wrong when I should. I will apologize. I make mistakes. I will have relapses. I will have my trials and tribulations.
But, I will live life. I will feast on the emotional banquet life gives me. I will love with all my heart. I will be true to me. I will take chances, with my heart, my mind, my beliefs.


Hold that thought..

More to follow Posted by Hello