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Letters to Nowhere

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

You know what?

I hate Christmas music. I mean really really loath it. This is no doubt not helped by the fact they start playing it at 12:01 am on Thanksgiving day and don't stop until sometime in January. Arrrggggg....

If I were forced to choose between listening to an hour of Christmas music or masturbating with a cheese grater... .. Well, they are doing some amazing things in the reconstructive plastic surgery field.

Bahh Freaking Humbug!

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Just because I’m a woman

Living in Georgia is sometimes a challenge for me. There is still an over riding impression that women are, if not weak, unsuited for “manly” stuff.

I once had a mechanic explain what was wrong with my car in single syllable words, and then he asked me if I needed to call my husband to get “permission” (his exact word) to have the work done. Needless to say, when I walked out he was looking a bit shell shocked. I could see him groping for the pieces of his disemboweled, and then drawn and quartered pride and ego. I doubt he will ever use the words permission, husband, and little lady again.

Today I had a flooring guy in to patch a weak spot. I could see his view of me steadily evolving as the day went by. He works in flooring full time and offered to do odd jobs for the landlords. Throughout the day he’d say things to me like “I need to run to the house and get a utility knife.” I was able to reply, “Hold on, you can use mine.” to ever item but one. I don’t have a pair of metal cutting shears. (Mental note: Damn stupid shears!)

While he was here yesterday to get measurements, I noticed water leaking from under the house. He looked into it and found a leak at the hot water heater. Thus began the “use mine” saga. “I need to go get a 5/8ths wrench“. I gave him mine. Next, he was idly wishing for pipe thread seal tape. Less than a minute later, I handed him some. He looked at me oddly.

Today I was able to provide him with: A framing hammer, a chisel and mallet, tack cloth, sandpaper and block, and a can of insulating fill foam (Great Stuff).

I think he was impressed not only by the fact I OWNED this stuff, but that I knew exactly where it was, AND it all showed signs of use.

Yesterday, right after he came over, we were talking about my kitchen floor and the fact I am going to install tongue-in-grove laminate flooring. He offered to help. I thanked him and told him I could handle it. Today… he believes it.

I’m a single mom, with power tools. And I know how to use them. (Side Note: My fiancé recently sent me a picture of his favorite china pattern. Oh yeah, my man has a china pattern. Can you feel the gender blur?) ;)

Saturday, November 26, 2005

How to confuse me on Thanksgiving day..

While my cousin and I were finishing up our Thanksgiving meal, and talking about the normal family stuff and half heartedly putting together the dragon "puzzle" my son came over to me and asked the following question.

"Mom, can the fish suck on my fingers now?"

Wha.. I .. uh.. HUH?

See, my life is a non-stop Monty Python episode. The bizarre, the surreal, the down-right weird, and people wonder why I have such a twisted sense of humor.

-- Oh yeah, and as to what he was talking about. Chris has a 75 gallon fishtank with a number of large gold fish. My son realized he could put his finger in the water, just breaking the surface, and the fish, not being the brightest animal on the planet, would confuse it for food and would "suck" on it.

Once he explained WTF he was talking about Chris gave him permission, provided he wash and rinse his hands thoroughy first. For the next 15 minutes or so he giggled happily, coo-ing and talking to FISH.

Oh yeah, you know you want to be me. Just admit it. This much excitement just makes you long for a day-in-the-life-of-Red vacation. You'll either end up with a brand new outlook on life.. Or in a straight jacket... come to think of it.. that's a new outlook too.

But hey, the dragon turned out well...

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Why my co-workers love me..

Why my co-workers love me..
Originally uploaded by red clover.
These are my nod to happy-home-maker holiday spirit.

(note to my canuck love: See the tail "feathers"? That is candy corn. *wink*)

Of course, they do buy me lots of brownie points at work. So.. it's an even trade-off. Im just glad we're down from the 40 or so employees we had last year. Whew. Only a dozen to make for the crew tomorrow.

Yes.. I'll be working tomorrow. At least till 1 pm.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Public Service Announcement

From Red..

As I was sitting last night, surrounded by candle light, talking with my love on the phone, being nauseated by the smell of lamp oil, and snuggling with a fire extinguisher.. .. what? What were you expecting?

Anyway. Last night we lost power as we so often do when storms move in. I had the hurricane lamp burning, candles dotted around the room for vision. The fire extinguisher was an after thought.

However, it did make me realize how important they are. You should have one in the obvious places like the kitchen, near a fireplace etc. But.. You should also have one in each bed room.

In the event of a house fire you may not be able to extinguish the blaze but you CAN clear a path to an exit for yourself. You can pick up fire extinguishers fairly cheaply, usually for less than the price of a pair of jeans.

Children should be thought how to use them and given the knowledge of what to do in the event of a fire. If possible buy a very cheap/small one and let your child put out a small camp fire, demonstrating and explaining the best way to use it. If you aren't comfortable doing that, call your local fire department and see if you and your child(ren) can go up there and get a hands on demonstration. Make sure everyone in the house knows where they are located.

This time of year you hear a lot about house fires, but it's not a seasonal thing. Spend the money, buy a few extra extinguishers and Velcro them to the underside of the bed frame... What do you have to lose by doing so? Not much.. What can you gain? Your life, your child's life, even the life of a pet.

It's worth it.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Resistance is futile..

Umm for funny, witty, and enjoyable (and comment worthy.. woo hoo...cuz you know.. I'm a comment whore. Don't let the other bloggers fool you. We don't write for us. We write for COMMENTS. uh.. yeah.. anyway.. ; p ) .. scroll down a post. For a small rant.. keep reading..

Originally uploaded by red clover.
I love my neighbors.. really I do.

Take me drunk, I'm home.

OK not really, but I'm working on it! Ehem.. anyway.. My son is now signed up for Basketball. Not entirely with my wishes. It was certainly beyond my financial means at the moment.

However, I drove him. Sick with some kind of stomach bug, he is (good news? He didn't puke in the car!) not enjoying his day. He kept asking, "Are we there yet?" Herc.. Ugh.. pitiful moan... I wrote a check for almost double what I have in the bank to cover his sign up fees. But hey.. He'll be a TEAM PLAYER! (insert sarcasm here) And while at the landlord's house he was pissing with excitment.. HE LOVES BASKETBALL. Though when I asked him he was very non commital about it. History lesson: We've tried Ti Kwon Do, Boy Scouts, and hell I forget what else.. He goes 3 - 5 times and then hates it.

So why did I take him? Call it "peer pressure", if you can call your landlord peers. Landlord is misleading I will admit. They are more like grandparents to him than any of my family is. Hell, they take him WITH them on vacation to St. Augistine Florida, for 7 to 10 days, every year. However, I can't tell them what I want to, you know (.. "I can aprreciate that you are judged by the crowd you associate with... but yeah .. how will the crowd like you not having feking power, or gas to cook food with or a phone to call to tell when the next practice is? huh .. huh? Because that's about where I'm at at the moment. I'm doing the BEST I can, S&H (their names here)") like I could my mother and her husband. I have to be restrained, to an extent, because .. well hey.. we live in their (rented out) house. They are my son's only childcare providers.

So... ....

Take me drunk, I'm home.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Mysteries Inc.

Every home has its mysteries. Mine is no exception. I’ve given up on documenting the void in my dryer's lint trap that is a portal to the galaxy’s largest sock single’s bar. I’ve stopped trying to catch the Paper Products Fairy in the act.

I’ve decided that wire coat hangers are the only inanimate object that can reproduce sexually. Don’t believe me? Put two hangers in a closet by themselves. Come back in a week and you’ll have a snarl of wire coat hangers. Of course they will be so hopelessly entangled you end up throwing the entire mass away.

But I digress…

Tonight I’ve solved two mysteries of my bathroom.

Mystery #1: My razors come out of the package oddly dull. I mean I can barely shave my legs with the razors I bought just days ago.

Mystery #2: Why is the caulking on my (relatively) new shower surround in such bad shape?

Is it because the underwear gnomes have been using my razors to shave the holes that always appear in the seat of my son’s underpants? Is it because I have some new breed of shower beast that eats caulk and excretes soap scum?

No. As I learned tonight when I tried... key word TRIED to shave my legs. I grabbed a new razor out of the cup I store them in (on the counter to prevent rust). I noticed the blade guard was on backwards and thought... Damn you underwear gnomes!! Anyway I took the blade guard off and noticed an odd coloring. Guess what it was... go on... guess... I’ll wait.

It was... caulk.

My son, whom I love... really I do. Clearly took me at my word when I told him “If I catch you using these razors on any part of your body, you will be in HUGE trouble.”

So... he’s been Shaving. The. Fecking. SHOWER!

There will be words tomorrow. Lots of words. Loud words. I’ll bet you eleventy hundred dollars his words will be “I don’t know” to damn near every question I ask him.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Cast your mind back..

Cast your mind back..Back to a time when girls wore leg warmers and boys wore make up.. Yes, I know. It's a scary scary thing to do. Think "Fame", think "Soap", think.. 80's.

I finally made it to 80's fabulous. Too bad it's 2005. This is the horror that befell me when I removed the straws. No wait that's not exactly right. This is the BEST I could do with the original horror. This is horror reheated and lovingly tempered. Think Freddy Kruger wearing a Mr Rogers mask.. It's a kinder gentler type of visceral cringing.

This is the horror that awaits you if you try the "temp spiral perm preview" with straws, well it is if you are a goober like me and leave them in for oh.. 6 hours. I can only imagine what would have happened if I'd slept in them like my friend.. Did I say friend? I meant EX friend (just kidding, VA) had recommended. I probably would have thrown myself off a cliff, lemming like, in my desire to end it all.. Dear god... no... No... NOOOO

Ehem... but I digress.

(Pssst... just in case you couldn't tell... I HATED it. I was torn between laughing till the "funny" men showed up and bawling like a baby. Thankfully many of my lady friends were online and so got to mock me. That always makes me feel better... no really. It's like I tell them all the time. I wouldn’t tease ya, if I didn't luv ya!)

Now down here... keep going... down here Ladies and Gents is what I wanted. This is the bubbly goodness, ehem, or some such to balance the stomach cramping, tangible proof that evil exists (also known as the photo above). It also explains why in the meme I did I said I loved my lips. ;) And hair. I mean really. Who wouldn’t? Oh did I mention I'm modest too?

Self Portrait

Sunday, November 13, 2005

The outcome...

Just say no. I think at least one friend that saw me last night after I took out the "curlers" may very well need reconstructive surgery on her nasal passages after shooting hot coffee out of them.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Of Drinking Straws and Do-Rags

I was talking to a friend of mine about what I would look like with a spiral perm. She told me she knew of a “quick, easy” way to find out. I was interested.

“Drinking Straws”, she says.

Huh? She goes on explain that if you cut a drinking straw in half and wrap small portions of hair (twist the hair round your finger to wind it up loosely first if you have “white” hair.. on her hair {she’s black.. or African American if you prefer.. though she considers that term to be preposterous. She’s never been to Africa. None of her family has been to Africa. She asks me why I don’t call myself a Scandinavian American... Well, because it was umpteen generations since my family was in Scandinavia, I always reply. This is where she always snorts and says... EXACTLY. Umm but I digress} uhh where was I before I began the parenthesis with in parenthesis? Oh yeah... on her hair she doesn’t twist it first– with the straw method, just in case you forgot where this was going) around it, and then bobby pin inside the straw and over your hair, keeping the straws fairly vertical. She swears you will end up with damn near perfect ringlets (in black hair) and a spiral perm effect on “white” hair.

I made the (damn near fatal) mistake of bitching about how long that would take to do my hair. She let loose the arrow of here’s-the-world's-smallest-violin-playing my heart-pumps-purple-piss-for-you... "Do you KNOW how long I sit in to get my hair braided?!", she asks. I quickly beat a retreat. Yes yes... Yes! I know... I know... (Just in case you didn’t, black women regularly spend HOURS... I mean full-work-day hours getting their hair braided/styled.)

So I told her I’d give it a try. She suggested I wrap my head afterward and either sleep in it or let it set for a few hours at a minimum. I asked her how to wrap it. “Don’t you have a do rag, handkerchief something you can tie it up in?” Yes I do.

That’s when she broke out in giggles… oh hell... I know her sense of humor. It’s much like mine. “Why are you laughing?” I ask cautiously. She requests... nay demands I take a picture when it’s tied it. “I wanna see your Aunt Jemima look. (snicker, snicker, snort)”

So, I hope she believes me when I look her dead in the eye on Monday and tell her solemnly, “I’m sorry but the batteries in my camera were dead.” Please, oh please don’t let her remember I use rechargeables.

I’ll follow up on the drinking-straw spiral “perm” to let you know how it went.

(Oh and just for stat purposes... there were eight... count ‘em EIGHT sets of parenthesis... whoops make that 9, in this post) ;)

Lust and meme

Tonight while at the gas station there was a delicious little morsel of a “man” in front of me. He was more than 18 because they carded him for the smokes he was buying, but I’m willing to bet he wasn’t more than 21.

Gazing at him I thought to myself, “If only I was 10 years younger. You’d (he’d) stagger out of my bedroom on Sunday weak with exhaustion, 3 pounds lighter from physical exertion and dehydration and about 15 years more advanced in the how-to’s of women..”

So.. yeah.. umm.. moving on.. The meme I’ve been meaning to do ..

Three ways that I am stereotypically female
1. I don’t like football.
2. I change my mind (about little things) frequently.
3. I’m very maternal.

Three ways that I am stereotypically male
1. I hate shopping.
2. I love horror movies.
3. I don’t care about a shoe sale.

Three names I go by
1. Red
2. Jennifer
3. Mom

Three parts of my heritage
1. German
2. Scandinavian (‘splains the cheekbones ;p )
3. Native American

Three physical things I like about myself
1. My luscious lips
2. My hair, even if it can be frizzy.
3. My shoulders

Three physical things I don’t like about myself
1. My man hands
2. My excess skin from weight loss
3. My squinty eyes when I smile

Three things that scare me
1. ummm.. not much scares me..
2. I won’t touch hair in the drain.. It grosses me out
3. Heights, if I’m on unsteady footing.

Three of my everyday essentials
1. toothbrush
2. hairbrush
3. music

Three LIES
1. I have two vaginas. (I know someone that does lol)
2. I’m sweet and innocent. (I had to think hard how to SPELL innocent lol)
3. I like eggs. (oh dear lord .. I’m gagging thinking about it)

1. I am past wanting to be with my beau.. I NEED to see him.. fundamentally need it..
2. I tried to commit suicide when I was a young teen.
3. I’ve got less than a $ 1.00 in the bank.

Three things I want in a relationship
1. To
2. For
3. With
I think all good relationships have to have all three.. Things you love to or spontaneously do For, With or To your sig other. Ex.. For: Bringing them coffee in the morning, With: good conversation, salsa dancing, whatever To: Back massages, and uh.. other stuff :)

Three physical things about men that appeal to me
1. Height
2. Behind
3. Strength .. someones gotta be able to open the pickles.

Three of my favorite hobbies
1. Reading
2. Geocaching (Techno geek hide and seek) Using GPS to find (usually) small hidden boxes of misc loot, trinkets and a logbook.
3. Tinkering w/ digital photos

Three things I want to do really badly now
1. Be held by my man
2. Have one more dance with my brother (now deceased)
3. Use the restroom… be right back..

Whew.. ok I’m back.. where were we?

Oh yes..
Three careers I’ve considered
1. Physical Therapist
2. Archeologist
3. Medical Transcriptionist

Three places I want to go on vacation
1. Cairo
2. Aztec Ruins
3. Easter Island

Three things I want to do before I die
1. See the Pyramids
2. Sky Dive
3. Spoil a few grandchildren

Three celebrity crushes
1. Johnny Depp
2. Sean Connery
3. Orlando Bloom

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Growing up

Growing up
Originally uploaded by red clover.
My son told me something tonight. It's a (looks around) secret. shhhh don't tell anyone. He has a secret crush. It's a pretty little girl in his class.

"Have you told her you like her?" I asked.

He just stood there and looked at me like I'd gone barking mad. NO! He said.

Where do the years go? sigh....

Wednesday, November 09, 2005


Us being silly
Originally uploaded by red clover.
I was talking to a lady at work today when I realized how much I really do have in my life.

She is 6 months pregnant and her labor will be induced on Friday. Her child has died inside her.

It was a text book perfect pregnancy until she realized she hadn't felt the baby move for a few days. One quick sonogram is all it took to confirm the worst.

I can't imagine her level of self control or strength to come into work and relay that kind of news. She has other children, and I'm sure that helps. However, nothing will replace this child.

I am fortunate in ways too numerous to count. My son is healthy, happy and handsome. I had the chance to know and love my brother before he died. A good man loves me.. even if we aren't physically close at the moment. So many small, which are really HUGE, things you forget about when you have financial or emotional troubles.

So remember, for a moment today, what you do have. It was humbling for me to think about the little things I complain about when I do have so much.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Change of Plans...

Cat Nap
Originally uploaded by red clover.
I guess that box of left over halloween lollipops wont be going to work with me in the morning.

I'm doing good to sleep at all and my cat... SHE can sleep in a box of freaking lollipops. Sometimes I envy my cat.

Hmm Maybe I can still take them to work and just give the ones on the butt end of the cat to the people I don't like. Whatcha think?

Saturday, November 05, 2005

If you arrived here

after searching for gapping vaginas on yahoo, let me say two things:

1. move along nothing to see here
2. ewww.....

You know I had to try it. I'm number 10 for gapping vaginas on yahoo. I say again.. ewwww

Yep, that's my odd search hit of the day. Runners-up include:
  • zanny bars (51 times total) That shit'll kill you (or your brother in my case)
  • will noni juice clear yeast infection (No, but it tastes so bad you'll pray for death.)
  • wedding dress sewing limericks (huh?)
  • largest recorded female pubic hair (3 times total) I say, yet again, ewww
  • why do women like to be "choked during sex" (hint: The vast majority don't!)
  • getting mixed signals from a guy i like (Welcome to the club, sister. There's a support group near you. It's called "Every Woman Ever Born". Meetings are held.. well, where ever 3 or more single woman happen to be located.)
  • desire + want + attraction + smile + eyes + share + friendship + lust + life + lover + awake (Ok, I was thinking, all things that are part of a great relationship... until "awake". Huh? AWAKE? Where, exactly, does that fit in with the rest of these words? Is this one of those "which of these things don't belong" puzzles?)

Friday, November 04, 2005

Bad Adversting.. my way.

Talking with a few other insurance agents earlier this week we touched on the subject of advertising.

One of the people there worked for a large company who currently has a commercial that shows the life of a salmon... only for it to be eaten by a bear at the end.

Her company has been getting phone calls from “offended” people. “That’s just gross.” “Take that off the air before you get sued.” “I can’t believe you put that on TV.” These are the types of complaints they have been getting.

We all came to the conclusion that some people really really need to get a life. I’ve never, ever been so bored I couldn’t think of anything better to do than complain about a TV commercial.

All of us agreed... Haven’t these people ever watched the Discovery channel, Animal Planet, or hell even Disney’s Wild Kingdom that came on “normal” TV, you know the 4 channels we used to get as kids, showed SOMETHING being eaten in almost every single episode.

One person pointed out that almost every episode showed mating for that matter. I started laughing..... And had to explain.

Well, it could have been worse, I said. The ad could have been “Don’t you just hate it when you get stuck with an agent” and showed two German Shepards humping and then… well stuck.

Thank the gods I don’t write advertising. Of course we all laughed, laughed and yep yes guessed it, laughed.

What is a Opossum?

For those who didn't have a freaking clue what a opossum was in my previous post.

Originally uploaded by red clover.
Opossum.. pronounced "poss (like toss) - um" Our only North America marsupial.

--copied from The Opossum Society of the US--

Despite its appearance, the opossum is not related to the rat. In fact, the opossum is a marsupial, or "pouched" mammal, and is therefore related to other marsupials such as the kangaroo and the koala. Like kangaroos and koalas, infant opossums stay inside the mother's pouch to nurse and develop. The opossum holds the distinction of being North Americas's only marsupial.

Opossums are born after an 11-13 day gestation period. The pink, embryonic-looking infants are so small at birth that 20 could fit into a teaspoon. The infants continue to develop inside the pouch. As they grow and the pouch becomes full, the juveniles then ride on the mother's back until they are old enough to go out on their own.

The opossum has many interesting features. It has 50 teeth, more than any North American land mammal. Its hairless tail is prehensile and is used for grasping branches, balancing and carrying nesting material. The opossum does not hang upside down by the tail, a common misconception. The opossum also has opposable thumbs on its hind feet for holding onto branches.

Whether rural, residential or in the wilderness, opossums are a benefit to any area they inhabit. Their diet includes all types of bugs and insects including cockroaches, crickets and beetles. They love snails. They also eat mice and rats. The nocturnal opossum is attracted to our neighborhoods by the availability of water, pet food left out at night and overripe, rotting fruit that has fallen from trees.

copied from www.opossumsocietyus.org

Don't let the cuteness fool you. They can be vicious lil bastards if they feel threatened.
Found under the neighbors car.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

There is a opossum

eating a biscuit in my front yard, not even 15 feet from my front door. .

No embellishment needed, that one sentence sums up the weirdness that is my life.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Deceptive Dinner.

My son will not eat "potatoes Au gratin, with ham and cheddar cheese". He doesn't like potatoes you see..

He will eat "Ham chunks and cheese served with golden disks of the sun".

The same freaking dinner I made last week that got a "gross!!! I don't like potatoes." Tonight elicits "COOL! I've never eaten disks from the sun before!!! *insert maniacal gobbling of food, eight year old style* Can I have some more?"

Absolutely.. Let me dish it up for you...