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Letters to Nowhere

Saturday, June 19, 2004


Ok I have a subject.. It will not of course stem my meandering and occasionally off shoot thoughts but I DO have a subject!!


As an aside I did try a Guinness tonight. It was interesting.. ha.. off shoots.. crap ok..

I was thinking about nudity today after thinking about a friend that I used to chat w/ very casually a long time ago came online a few days ago and said he had something to show me. So, I turn on his cam and of course it's the crotch cam. Oh, well thank you for the surprise. All I was thinking was "thank the gods my son isn't behind me". And then caught in that "how do I respond" quandary. You don't want to encourage them, but you really don't want to see this either.

There is nothing so annoying as to be surprised by unwanted nudity. And possibly nothing so exciting/frustrating as to want it and to not see/have it. I started thinking about my own views on nudity.

I enjoy the comfort of being naked. I don't get much opportunity to indulge in it since I do have a son. But I do enjoy it when I'm alone. I started thinking about clinical nudity as opposed to meaningful nudity today when I recalled my son's birth. While I was pregnant I was being examined by my doctor when he stated he had an intern and asked my permission for him to watch the exam. I told him I didn't care.. made light of it in fact, saying he could invite the waiting room patients in, if he liked. And you know I wouldn't have cared. Because it wouldn't have mattered. I didn't know these people, I had no attachment to them at all.

Oddly enough it is far easier to expose myself to strangers than to one I care about. I can think of a few reasons for this. I don't really give a damn what the general public think of me, that's not true when it is someone I care about. I have in the past when overcome by depression or low self esteem, gotten dressed up in erotic clothing, used an unknown ID, and danced on cam for strangers. It, at the time, made me feel at bit better. I know none of the compliments where sincere, I know they would have watched the Pillsbury dough boy (assuming it was the PD girl), but it did make me feel better. Even in my search for reassurance I didn't get nude. It's a personal thing for the most part to me. I've never understood the "show it all" crowd. I'd feel cheap and petty and whorish if I was to parade myself naked in front of everyone/anyone. But.. hey thats just me. Then there are female friends that have or are thinking about have gastric bypass surgery and ask me about excess skin. I've gotten nude on cam for several of them to illustrate a point or just to let them have a real factual case to base an opinion on. Still very clinical.

When it comes to nudity with someone I care about that feeling of vulnerability, and not some small amount of self consciousness comes into play. Then, all of the sudden, it matters. What they think of my body, how they will view me as a person after, the self esteem issues I sometimes have, will I excite them, these questions loom large and heavy. This is somewhat more a concern online than it is in person. But believe me, it's not much easier in person. There comes a time, and I know that most women can relate to this.. no matter if your skinny, svelte, rubenesque, or "fat".. there comes a time when you are standing before the man you love.. removing your clothing for the first time.. and your holding that shirt in front of you like an honor guard.. afraid to hold on to it.. afraid to let it drop. When you do let it fall to the floor.. you're praying, desperately praying, that the love, and excitement, and passion in his eyes will still be there after he's had a good look at you. Men are, as we all know, far more visually attuned than women. I've dropped the shirt once or twice and seen the eyes glaze over, and some small piece of me dies. You go thru the motions.. it's expected of you at that point. But, bitterness and self hate taste like cold wet ashes in your mouth. The flip side of that is .. I've dropped the shirt once.. and seen the love, the respect, and the passion flare like a bonfire at dusk. And then.. ah then.. then you feel like anything is possible.. your drunk on the affect you can excite in the man of your dreams. But, its always that age old fear.. the lady or the tiger (to use a cliché).. what will you see when you finally let go and stand there vulnerable, apprehensive, and aching to please.

Now, to clear a few things up before those of you I do know personally read this and start wondering..

Ladies: No, it's not at that point yet w/ him. This really is just me pondering out loud. Hell, it's my journal. And, I find that I can reason a bit better when I write/type things out. LOL

My Love: No, I don't feel in anyway that this is what you are asking of me. I know that were I to never take off a stitch of clothing between now and the time I am there that you would never walk away from us, require it, or in anyway pressure, coerce, insinuate, or demand it of me. So, please don't think I'm feeling like you have overstepped any bounds at all. You've not frightened, hurt or offended me in anything we've ever said to each other.

For the dozen or so people (that I don't know) that seem to have found this site and continue to read it on a regular basis: Thank you for your interest. Don't be afraid to post a comment. I actually like getting them. LOL (though I can say I have never posted a comment on a Blogg unless I knew them personally, so don't feel compelled to either) Damn, am I agreeable or what.

In closing (I started this 6 hours ago and have just now gotten back to finishing it)... My mood is good.. so have no fear to talk to me tonight, my love. I've had a relatively born (ha) day. I rented a few movies.. played w/ James, cleaned a bit.. the usual. Thank you for reading the ramblings of this woman.. I'm not a bit melancholy.. or upset... Rae, Anna, Les.. I love you guys.. I really do :*

Damn Rae.. if people bitch about how long your bloggs are.. well thank the gods they dont read mine LOL


  • OMG I so understand what yer saying ;) you are not alone :D

    By Blogger Rae, at 12:57 AM  

  • You mean I have to drop my shirt when I come visit ;) I love you too and you are definitely not alone with this one.

    By Blogger Anna, at 3:00 AM  

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