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Letters to Nowhere

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Cherished misconceptions

What is it with men? They love breasts. Yep, I hate to be the one to break it to you.. Men LOVE Breasts. Hell, even the word breasts will often cause spontaneous salivation in some men.

Oddly enough this phenomenon does exist among women. Our key word is not breasts but cheesecake. MMMMMM cheeeeeesecaaaaaake.. See?!

Anyway, uh were was I .. oh yes.. breasts..

My day was made complete when I was able to throughly trounce upon a common male misconception and forever create a complex in a po' lil dangly-part equipped co-worker of mine today.

We were talking about breasts.. or they were. I was listening. (can you tell how effective the "inappropriate behavior" talks were Tuesday?)

One of my man type co-workers lamented that his wife didn't have large breasts. She's a 36 C. "I want a 44 Double D" was his impassioned cry. My snickers and smirk did not go unnoticed and he asked what was so funny about that.

Me: I didn't know you liked big girls
Goober: I don't
Me: (laughing harder now) Well then you are sure gonna be shocked when you get your 44DD
Goober: Why?
Me: Do you know ANYTHING about bras.. other than the fact that you cant unfasten one with both hands, a flashlight, and a 30 minute lead?
Goober: (starting to get pissy now, bout time don't you think?) Why?
Me: The number part of the bra size indicates how big around your girl is. You know your pants size? Well bras are measured the same way. Just under the breasts and around the back.
Goober: (looking crushed) what? So 44 means 44 inches AROUND her body?
Me: Uh huh.. here's a cookie!! You got it now!
Goober: So what do the letters mean?
Me: That is the measure of the actual breast. What is in your hands. So for a 44DD you want a woman a bit bigger than me, both around and boob wise. (more snickers and laughter)

Ah, the sweet smell of disenchantment.

As I strolled off to my break I heard him asking lil mrs perfect wifey if I was right. She had spent all of our conversation carefully keeping a neutral face while trying like hell to not laugh. She lost the "don't laugh in his face" battle at his question.

So men.. if you like your ladies thin and big breasted.. you want a 32, 34, even a 36 DD

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Fit hits the Shan

I’ll be damned if I can figure out what happened Thurdsay while I was off work. I went into ABC insurance today to find that my whole section has been reported for inappropriate conduct to Human Resources.

Now, I work with a younger crowd. They are loud, they are rambunctious, they tell everyone about their conquests/exploits etc. It’s usually not a problem. But lately they have been crossing the line more and more often. Hell, truth to tell, they’ve all but done the flamenco while naked, pouring vodka on the line. I mean really... secret Santa gave our section ho girl a 12 pack of condoms at our Christmas dinner.

So I am/was not surprised someone around "us" finally complained about the things that have been said and done. I saw this coming quite some time ago and have more or less gone into self imposed isolation within my little cube of hell. I bring books/crafts/or do this while I’m at work if things get slow. I’m operating on the "head down, mouth shut, keep your job" mindset.

Ladies and Gents, you would not recognize me while I’m at work. I’m (gasp) quiet, unobtrusive, reserved even. I was told I have no sense of humor by one of my co-workers. The group clown, has known me for years, and died laughing when he heard that. "You’ve got one of the best (sense of humor) up here. You just show a different side while you’re at work in the last year or so".

So, bright and early this morning when we were all pulled, one by one, into the office to have ‘the talk’, I was one of the few that was not sweating bullets. I was in and out in a matter of 5 mins. My department head mentioned that I am quiet, well behaved, dedicated, and "above all this freshman humor". I thanked her and left.

Oh if only she knew me like you do... on second thought… It’s a good thing she doesn’t. Now pass me the silly string, the police whistle, and don’t tell Les I’m hiding behind the door. And where’s Obi the elephant?!?

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

my gift from my beau.. I added the charm..  Posted by Hello

Sunday, December 26, 2004

Spoiled Rotten

Originally uploaded by red clover.
The landlord/adopted grand parents made James about pass out with joy. He has his very own motorcycle now. LOL

Saturday, December 25, 2004

The ties that bind.. and gag

Family... You have to love them. I mean HAVE to. I just don't like them too much.

Mom called and invited me to her house to quote "get drunk". I begged off. In fact I told her I quit drinking. Considering how rarely I drink now I don't really see that as a lie. One of my aunts, her boyfriend, and a friend of my (now deceased) brother are sitting around w/ mom and her hubby getting trashed. I give it 5 to 1 odds that it's gonna end up either : 1. a huge fight or 2. a sob-fest.

Mom thinks I need to socialize more. *eye roll* She doesn't seem to understand that what she considers social I consider drug and alcohol abuse. C'est la vie.

Tomorrow my son and I will go to grandma's for dinner. That presents it's own set of challenges. Mom's family comes in 2 classes. Drunken.. or rabidly religious. We are having dinner with people that are just a few degrees away from dancing with rattlesnakes. It's going to be.. uh.. interesting.

This will be the first Christmas without grandpa. For that reason alone I'd go to grandma's for dinner. The fact that my brother also died 2 months ago .. well I think a family get together is needed (if a bit foolhardy).

In other news:

All this freaking stress is killing me. I have more blackheads than an Usher concert. Gak. MUST use mud mask before dinner.

All the gifts are laid out. Santa has been here tonight. Tomorrow the loot.. bring on the loot!! Or so my 7 yr old son sees it.

Our landlord/adopted grandparent/friend had a small stroke a few days ago. He is out of the hospital today, so my son is over there taking care of him. I have a good kid. Really .. I do.

I hope you all have a great holiday.. happiness, love, and a banking error in your favor.

I love you Les. G'night all.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Therapy for shopper

I managed to completely freak a customer out at work. Woo Hoo

A woman came in while we were crowded and asked me how to tell if her rabbit was pregnant. A man was standing near us, but it was too noisy for him to hear the conversation. Until...you know that moment when there is a lull in background noise. Sure you do! It's the one that always seems to fall at the precise time you say a true "Seinfeld" sentence.

All this poor hapless guy heard was.. "well first she'll start to rip the hair off her nipples". Then he looked at me like I was some psycho killer or masochist. It was great.. Ahh perfection. lol.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Nessie and midgets

*Gasp, shock, and awe*

I’m posting... real words. I know, I know, hold your applause.

I was online a few nights ago under my yahoo messenger and a long time friend of mine was stunned to see me. I seem to have attained mythical status. An online appearance for me lately is akin to spotting the Lochness monster. Everyone’s heard of it... no one’s seen it.

I’ve gotten 4 or 5 emails from people that know me only from this blog and want to know what has happened to me/where I am. I’m fine. Really. My work schedule should soon resume normal hours and I’ll be able to post more regularly.

I leave you with a joke our ‘work clown’ told yesterday.
3 midgets are standing outside Guinness World Record Inc. They are talking about what they might be able to do to get into the books.

The first guy says, "You know my hands are pretty small. Maybe I can get it" He goes in and comes out half an hour later, smiling and happy. "I have the world’s smallest hands!! I’ll be in the book next year!"

The 2nd midget says, "Well, I have pretty small feet. I’m going to try" He comes out a little later laughing and clapping. "Woo hoo I have the smallest feet in the world!!"

The 3rd midget says, "You know it’s possible I have the world’s smallest penis. I’m going in" He comes out a bit later, face red, cursing and kicking at the ground. "I lost the smallest penis category. Who the hell is Garrison Steele?"

:) Of course when Lee told the joke the punch line was "who the hell is Jim" but you get the drift.

Monday, December 20, 2004

I Miss My Friend

I miss the look of surrender in your eyes
The way your soft brown hair would fall
I miss the power of your kiss when we made love
But baby most of all

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss the colors that you brought into my life
Your golden smile, those blue-green eyes
I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now
Saying it'll be alright

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss those times
I miss those nights
I even miss the silly fights
The making up
The morning talks
And those late afternoon walks

I miss my friend

Friday, December 17, 2004

Happy Holidays!!!  Posted by Hello

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Joyous Eggnog

I truly value people that 'get' my sense of humor. And if they can lob the sarcasm ball right back over the net at me... well, I may have made a friend for life.

I went down to the coffee shop in the mall, where they know me well, as you can imagine. The flavor of the day was Joyous Eggnog. (Quick Les cover your eyes) I got to the counter and said, "I'd like a large joyous eggnog please". (ok hun, you can read again) Joyous was said in that bright aren't we happy, airline stewardess voice.

The glare of flat loathing I got in return made me laugh my butt off. He says, "We just call it eggnog. After 6 hours there's NOTHING joyous about it."

Yep, that sums up mall work near Christmas perfectly.

Never underestimate the depth of humor ignorance. The key to alot of the statements that sometimes slip out of my mouth before my head can say .. NO NO NO .. is tone, inflection, the proper amount of smile in my voice.

I was holding a Boxer bulldog, idly petting it, when a woman came into the pet store. She takes one look at me and says, "Are you going to sell that dog?" Before I could stop myself I replied, "No ma'am, it's just a display model"

(The sign says AKC reg Husky Male $499) The man turns to me and says, "I'll give you $250, does that sound good". I reply "No sir, this isn't the flea market. The dog is $499 take it or leave it." He left it.

A woman walks to the rear of the store, past the dogs, and kittens to me and says "Why don't you guys sell dog?" I turn her around and say "Do you see that big plate glass window, where everyone is looking in?"

Here's your sign..

The good thing about working with people that I know fairly well is the camaraderie you develop.

I had an arrogant blow hard hitting on me the other day. My monosyllabic responses to his questions about me, my job, my life just didn't seem to be getting through to him. Just before I was about to finally lose it and tell him.. "LOOK, as far as YOU are concerned I don't have a functioning vagina.. Nothing to see here.. Move along!" one of the girls I work with came to rescue him. Yes I said him. I don't need rescuing. He may have needed surgery to take care of the verbal disembowelment I was about to deliver.

One ignorant ass potato later and everyone is teasing me about my new boy friend. One of the girls actually called my cousin, AT HOME, to tell him about it. That's the other thing I miss about working with the public. Your crew, co-workers, whatever you call them, become almost like extended family.

Saturday, December 11, 2004

James and my neice, Savannah. Posted by Hello

Friday, December 10, 2004

Hangover Rating System

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who
enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge
of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now...

Thursday, December 09, 2004

No family read.. part 3

RULESCopy this entire list into your blog/journal
BOLD everything about you that is true.
Leave plain anything that is false about you.
Put an * at the end of false statements you would LIKE to be true.
Please include this credit: Copyright 2004, Garrison Steelle. www.churchofsteelle.com Okay, now, you have the rules.

I have had sex while wearing a blindfold.
I have blindfolded someone else during sex.
I have had sex while watching porn.
I have had sex while surfing porn on the Internet.
I sleep better after sex.
There are some nights I cannot sleep without sex or masturbating.
The bed is NOT my most favorite place to have sex.
I am turned on knowing someone is watching me masturbate.
I have masturbated for someone over a web cam.
I have had sex over a web cam.
I will have sex with someone I just met if they turn me on.
I have been tied up during sex.
I have had sex with someone who was tied up.
I have dripped wax onto a lover's body.
I have had a lover drip wax onto my body.
I have a foot fetish.
I have a leather fetish.
I have a tickle fetish.
I like being choked during sex.
I have had sex in a burning building.
I have erotic art on display somewhere in my residence.
I enjoy nudie magazines.
Erotic toys are a regular part of my budget.
I think PLAYBOY is tame, maybe even boring.
I click on porn links in my email.
I know the difference between girl/girl and lesbian sex in porn.
I have watched more than one gay/lesbian porn video.
Much of what I know about sex come from porn.
Interracial sex turns me on.
I think we should do more to understand the cultures of sex.
I would participate in sex research given the opportunity.
My current lover does not sufficiently meet my sexual needs.
I currently have a "crush" on someone of the same sex. (for what may be the first time ever this is false) lol
I have had sex at my place of employment.
I am often disappointed in my sexual relationships. (if it's just sex)
Some people might describe me as a nymphomaniac.
I am difficult to live with if I'm not having sex on a regular basis.
I sleep better with someone snuggled up next to me.
I have had sex under water.
I have had sex in the snow.
I am in a polyamorous relationship.
I have to have music playing while having sex.
I have had more than ten orgasms in one night.
I have flashed strangers.
I have given sex as a gift.
I have set-up a three-way for my lover.
I stopped during this list to have sex.
Garrison Steelle turns me on.
I have fantasies involving Garrison Steelle.
I would pose nude for Garrison's camera if he promised to NEVER show them to anyone

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Last night I dreamed of Manderly.

Ok so I didn’t but I love that line. Bonus points if you know where it came from (without using a search engine).

Last night I dreamed of John. For those of you that don’t know me very well, John was the oldest of my 3 brothers. Long story short, my brother died of a drug over dose. My sister and I found his body on Oct 22. He was 24.

In the dream John showed up, as he so often did in life, unexpectedly. He was carrying a 12 pack of beer and a 4 pack of wine coolers. That wasn’t terribly uncommon either. We, in my dream, sat up all night doing what we’d done so often in life. We laughed, we talked, we picked on chat idiots, we danced, we tickled, wrestled, and had a few harsh words. In short, we were us… together again. I’ve been dreaming of him a lot as Christmas gets closer.

So a flashback. The one post we ever wrote together, laughing hysterically, acting out the messages, and often begging the other person to ‘shut up long enough for me to quite laughing and get my breath back’. Reading it now mixes my emotions pretty good. If my feelings were food it’d be meatloaf with strawberry sauce.

Dear Craig (08-14-04)

I got up at 9 am this morning because I had some running around to do. I picked up my brother to take him to get his truck. It broke down last week. The mechanic, Craig, said it would be ready Friday.. It wasn't. He said it would be ready today by Noon.. We called at 11:00 to see when it would be ready and how much it would cost. "I'll call you right back with that", said Craig.

Hmm.. Its been umm 4 hours. No Craig.

I told my brother he's really got to learn to aggravate the crap outta people to get stuff done sometimes. He just called and left Craig a message (at 2:30 pm). Here's what I propose to happen next:

Oh Craig isn't answering his phone.. so these will be messages left for him .. or would be if it was MY truck lmao

2:45.. Hey Craig, Its John (my brother) . You said you'd call me "right back".. that was 3 hours ago. Here's my number in case you lost it. I'll be waiting for your call.

3:06... Hey Craig, John here. Listen I'm at my sister's waiting for you. Please call as soon as possible.

3:27 Craig, dude.. Is my truck ready yet. You promised me, when I talked to you yesterday it would be done by lunch.. Well, I don't know about you .. but my lunch was like 3 hours ago.. call me

3:52 Craig.. hey man.. listen.. is my truck ready yet? Really man.. I gotta work tomorrow.

4:12 Craaaaaigggg.. are you there? Pick up... I knoooooow you can hearrrrr meeeee! Pick up dude

4:43 Craig.. I'm really starting to worry about you dude.. is everything ok. You said you'd call right back.. that was like 5 hours ago. I hope you're alright

4:47 Craig, its john. Really like did my truck fall on you or what?

5:12 CRAIG, Dude.. I'm .. I'm like really worried .. is there anyone I should call? Oh and is my truck ready yet?

5:27 (sobbing, and sniffling) Craig, I'm really really disappointed in you man.. I thought we had an understanding.. I cant believe you'd let me down like this. I didn't think you would lie to me like this. I feel so.. so.. used.. sniffle, sob

5:32 Craig, listen man.. I'm sorry I've had a few beers while waiting for your "right back" call 6 hours ago. Sorry dude I get emotional when I drink

5:34 Oh and Craig is my truck ready yet?

5:57 CRAIG, my girlfriend wants to go out tonight. I cant have my sister drive me to pick her up. Hurry up dude@!!!!! If I miss out on a good lay over this I'm gonna be pissed!

6:12 Fuck you Craig, where the hell are you?

6:14 Sorry Craig I've been drinking some more.. Oh and is my truck ready yet?

LMAO I'm the kinda person to do "some" of this.. No I wouldn't call Craig every 15 mins.. and the drunken episode wouldn't happen. But I would be bugging the shit out of him. Hell he's promised my brother the truck would be ready Thur.. then Friday.. Then Sat by noon.. It's almost 3. He hasn't returned any of the calls we have made.

Craig is an "real" mechanic.. with a business. Recommended to us by someone I trust implicitly. I have told them of our Craig troubles and they are quite upset. I hope I dont answer the phone when Craig calls. It might not be pretty.

(follow up.. Craig never did call back that day. It ended up being Monday before John got his truck)

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Season(ings)s Greetings

Mr. Dill bumps into Rosemary at the post office.

Hi Rosemary, how have you been? Oh I see you brought the baby. How is little Habanera today?

Ok so I’m odd... this we all know. But every time I hear people say ‘seasons greetings" I can’t help but imagine a conversation similar to the above.

Is this some kind of super political correctness? Is Happy Holidays not quite generic and inoffensive enough? Did someone complain that they didn’t believe in ANY of the holidays and were "offended"? If so, too freaking bad! Get over it!

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Kids Cost

I have fallen in love with one of the Sun Conures we have at work. I have forbidden Chris to sell me the bird though. Even before all my other financial trouble.. I just don’t have $300 to pay for a bird. (That’s including my 25% employee discount) And besides, I’m cheap. I just can’t see paying that kind of money for an animal.

I have sold dogs.. lots of dogs lately. It boggles my mind that people will pay a thousand dollars for a DOG!

I only paid my midwife $750 for my SON. But, supply and demand is god in retail. And believe me, there are people with far too much money than is good for them.


Ok, I should be up for some kind of medal. Really I should. I did NOT laugh in the face of a customer today. It was a close call. But I was up to it.

Customer: Ok this chick was BLIND.. serious coke bottle lenses. She had exactly 5 teeth. All on the bottom, front. All of her teeth were perfectly rounded her mouth looked like this --> nmnn --- And she had dear god, she had the thickest, hick-est accent I've ever heard out of the movies. That alone was worth a really good repeat to my cousin. But noooo it got worse.

Customer: How much are the cockatoos?
Me: $85 (watching with morbid fascination as her rounded teeth bob up and down)
Customer: (lots of banal and fairly common questions THEN) I want to teach it to play a good game of checkers can I do that?
Me: Uh, no. It may be able to move a piece with it's beak or claw but never really play.
Customer: Why not?
Me: Birds just don't have the brain power needed to do that.
Customer: Well I really want the bird but someone said they get mites.
Me: Yes all birds can get mites and we have products to treat it if needed.
Customer: Like little traps you mean?
Me: Well...
Customer: I really want it but they get mites.. and my husband said he doesn't want rats in the house
Me: rats?
Customer: I know they aren't really rats but rats and mites are just about the same thing.
Me: Can you excuse me for a minute. I need to blow my nose? (cue the sound of me bolting to the back and stifling hysterical laughter)

Chris came in to check on me.. I told him the story and we were both about to die.

Me: (the consummate professional once again) Excuse me, I'm sorry. Ma'am I think you may be confused. Mites are not rodents. Mites and Mice are two different things. Mites are like fleas..
Customer: Ohhhh

Suuuuuper Red!!

I am convinced that I have a few super powers. Some are more beneficial than others.

1. Lugosi/Linebacker: All it takes to activate this power is one small child standing next to the bed while I’m fully asleep. Then they say the magic words "mom I don’t feel so *blurb gurgle splash*". One second, I’m seemingly, a lifeless corpse. The next, I have a 73 lb kid tucked under my arm like a foot ball, running at full speed to the bathroom.

2. You’ve heard of the Midas touch? Occasionally I have the "Sadim" touch. Everything I touch turns to crap. Thankfully, this power doesn’t manifest itself often. But when it does I’m in for a long rough few months.

3. Gay-dar... nuff said.

4. Ehem.. a few of my super powers just aren’t appropriate to discuss in mixed company.. Use your imagination.

But, if you ask my kid.. I have a slew of mommy only super powers that I won't bore you with.

Ok I'm off to sell pets and pet supplies to the masses.. be back in oh.. 12 hours. Yep a long day!
To my non-US friends, ok correction .. to my friends in general.. packages/cards will be mailed next weekend. I promise. So, if they end up being New Years tidings, just remember I luvs yall. Really I do.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

If your family.. stop reading NOW

Ok Ok I give up. Screw 'em if they can't take a joke lol. Bold is True.
Are you happy now?! There now you know.

1. I have, either currently or in the past, gone over a year without sex.
2. I have a partially used tube of KY Jelly close to my bed. (It has lain there quite some time in it's lonely paupers grave, unloved, unused, un needed.)
3. I sometimes buy clothes specifically to turn people on.
4. I sleep with my socks on.
5. I have gotten someone drunk on purpose.

6. I set aside some time each day to surf porn online.
7. There are nude pictures of me somewhere on the Internet.
8. My family would FREAK if they read this list.

9. I can orgasm on command.
10. I have had sex standing up.
11. I have leather in my closet and I'm not afraid to wear it.
12. Given the opportunity, I would have sex with a porn star.
13. I know someone who needs a copy of "Sex for Dummies."
14. There is at least one extended family member (cousin, aunt, etc.), I would jump if we weren't related.
15. I think hose are sexy. Correction I think stockings and garters are sexy.

16. I think limited nudity should be allowed on television after 10:00 at night.
17. I like ribbed condoms. (I'm the condom Queen. But I really dont have a preference)
18. I am pierced somewhere other than my ears or navel.
19. I have had sex in the shower.
20. My parents caught me having sex.
21. My child(ren) caught me masturbating.
22. Watching other people have sex turns me on.

23. I own more than ten porn tapes/DVDs.
24. I have used a vegetable as a sex toy.
25. I enjoy reading erotic literature.
26. I can get wet/hard just by the sound of someone's voice.

27. I have used a sex swing. (still on my to-do-list)
28. I have employed the services of a professional sex worker. (Stripper)
29. I have (HAD)a membership on at least one adult pay site.
30. I would give up another habit (smoking, drinking, over-eating) if it meant having more sex.
31. I would consider hiring someone to teach me about the finer points of sex.
32. Given the opportunity, I would appear in an adult magazine.
33. I think reality TV should show who's having sex with whom.
34. I get wet/hard just walking into a Victoria's Secret store.
35. I keep a "Top 5" list of famous people I would like to fuck.
36. I have participated in an orgy.
37. My current sex life is beyond boring. Only because my sig other is away right now.

38. I am actively looking for a new sex partner.
39. I do NOT think having sex always means making a long-term commitment.
40. I have at least one sex toy made of glass.
41. I think anti-pornography laws are too restrictive.
42. People would be surprised if they knew how often I think about sex.
43. I think 16 is a good age to begin having sex.
44. I have special names for my sex organs.
45. I have used sex to get what I want.
46. I think the world would be a better place if people had sex more often.
47. I think some public nudity should be legal.
48. I have at least one sex toy that is purple.

49. I think a blogger orgy would be ... Interesting.
50. Just reading this list makes me horny.

Friday, December 03, 2004


You know that saying "Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen all day"? Well, I have an addition to that statement.

I woke up Thursday morning, swung my legs out of bed and stood up. I stood up on... half, ack just HALF of a dead mouse. Bleah!! If that isn’t bad enough it STUCK to the bottom of my foot. After the involuntary shudder, cursing and scraping off of the mouse, I was giving serious thought to boiling my foot in Lysol, and then following that by a nice soak in bleach.

My cat, Luna, then came to investigate the commotion and to stand triumphantly over her kill. "Look mother, I have succeeded in slaying the cat eating monster that has resided behind the stove! Aren’t you proud?!" her expression seemed to say. I, however, was less than impressed as I picked up the remains of Mr. Mouse with a paper towel. I took him and the cat (notice how when your not happy with your pets all they sudden they are THE CAT, or THE DOG) I pitched both of them out into the yard and hurried off to the shower. (For the record 1/2 a dead mouse will fly about 33% farther than one panicking cat)

Oh don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled she is doing her job. But for my sake, PLEASE deposit dead monsters near, in, or around the trashcan. Oh I know!! I need to train her to erect small flashing neon signs "Partially masticated rodent ahead" or "Watch your step" with a picture of a headless squirrel stenciled on yellow plastic sandwich boards.

Anything! Anything at all that will prevent the muzzy headed, first thing in the morning, "did I just step on part of a jelly sandwich?" thought that went through my head at that time…

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Welcome to my life.. lol  Posted by Hello

Financial bloopers

A few thoughts about finance companies I dealt with today.

If you’re a finance company offering car loans, do you really want to be located on Crook Dr?

If your car came from Repo Direct Autos, you better be planning to make the payments!

You just might have a drinking problem if your car note is held by Southern Wine and Spirits of America Inc.

And finally, If the only company that will give you a loan is Last Chance Auto Finance.. Well, you just might need to rethink your income to debt ratio.

You know you wanna Posted by Hello

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

I'm just sick.. no big deal!

I’ve spent the better part of the last two days laid up on the couch, alternately doused with sweat or wracked with chills. My average temp has been about 101.3 Yep, I officially am sick! Woo Hoo (insert bitter sarcasm here)

I feel a bit better today which is good for several reasons. I am at work, and somewhat proficient. I’m not worrying James.

When James came home from school on Monday and found me asleep on the couch he woke me up to ask if I was ok. I told him I wasn’t feeling well, and to keep his distance so he didn’t get sick. Bless his heart, he put his hand to my forehead and said, "momma you’re way too hot" He ran to get the thermometer and read off 10:29 when it stopped beeping. He’s not learned about decimal points yet. I knew what he meant though.

James is a good kid and now that he is older (almost 8) he tries to take care of me when I’m sick. He says that’s what's fair. After all I take care of him when he’s sick. So, he called the neighbors to let them know he was taking care of his momma because she was sick. This of course prompted them to have him run over there and get chicken soup.

Ten minutes later he’s back from Shirley and Harold’s (the landlords/babysitters/adopted family) with chicken soup and Tylenol. He kept a steady eye on my water glass making sure it stayed no less than ½ full.

When he started asking me questions about great grandpa and uncle John I realized I was scaring him. The poor thing was secretly afraid I might die. So, I did what every mom is familiar with. I dragged my aching, shivering body up and started acting like I was fine, just fine, hunkey dorey.

He still kept a close eye on me and frequently checked my forehead to see how hot I was.
By the time he’d read me his stories and done the rest of his homework, the Tylenol was working and I was feeling mostly human again. Tuesday I was off work anyway and was able to get lots of rest, water, hot tea and the better part of a bottle of day-quil in me. I also gargled more salt water than a man drowning at sea.

Today I’m feeling fair to middlin.. Not bad, all things considered.


Yesterday I had all my packages for my friends, both near and far, packed and ready to mail. I succumbed to my overriding desire to nap. I got up at 3:00 pm, just in time for the kid to come home from school. After getting him a snack, assuring him I was feeling better (better get a bucket), and all those misc things, we drove to wally world to pick out this years Christmas cards. James did a pretty good job of choosing them this year.

Anyway, we got to the post office I sat in the car and signed cards with James. We got out will all our boxes, cards and parcels… to find the *#%@! Post office had closed 15 min earlier. Son of a b b biscuit eater… GOD.. . bless America!

Having kids around really limits your cursing variety.

If it wasn’t for bad luck I’d have no luck at all.