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Letters to Nowhere

Saturday, June 12, 2004


According to Webster:
Function: noun, verb
Text: A longing for something that promises enjoyment or satisfaction
Synonyms: appetite, craving, itch, lust, passion, urge, want

Desire. A fairly common word in the English language. It can mean almost any kind of longing. It could be that 3 AM hankering for a slice of left over pizza. It can be used to express longing for that promotion or new outfit. Or.. It can be used to express physical or emotional want of another person.

What makes us desire to be with someone? Is it just a preconditioned and largely instinctual urge to procreate the species? Do we, as women, feel the urge to bond to someone just for protection and security? Is it just the primal lust of men to spread seed far and wide? These theories and many more I've heard from well educated persons. I certainly hope that is not all that's involved in desire and attraction.

See this is the kind of thoughts you get from me when I'm stuck without internet connection. LOL

Why am I pondering the concept of desire? Well, I know a few of you know why. I have, recently, gotten to better know someone that has rekindled desire in me. We've talked casually for probably a year or better. I've always enjoyed very much those informal chats. He's one of the few people that I don't have to watch my vocabulary around. Priceless, in and of, itself! Our ideas have always meshed well, and we've always had a pretty broad range of topics to talk about. Initially, we were both, more or less, in relationships of one kind or another. And in fact, when we started talking regularly again I was in the final stages of a relationship, as well as recovering from a serious illness. I didn't even think of him in a romantic sense. He was my friend, a comfort, an outlet for my sometimes odd way of thinking. So, we talked.. about nothing, about everything. It can be deeply intellectual, about our family lives, music, books, humor all in the same night. Over the last 2 or 3 months there has been a change in my feelings.. and his as well. It has become more. I have a hard time imagining not talking to him, hearing his voice, at least once a day.

Ok so back to desire.. damn I ramble don't I? I have met a man that I find stimulating on every level. Here I am dealing with true desire again. And it's ... disturbing, wonderful, and somewhat mind boggling to me. I have a hard time feeling desirable. I know he thinks I am for which I say, Bless You! *wink* And, I'm fairly certain that he not only desires me.. but *gasp* desires me on more than a sexual whim. I know for me personally this is true about how/why I desire him. It has little (ok maybe not little but still) to do with just sex. If sex was all I needed or wanted I'd not be pondering desire. I know of at least one person locally that has made it more than clear that I can have strings free "servicing" from him anytime I like. Servicing.. like I'm a damn broken down washing machine! He doesn't value me as anything else than a receptacle. Ugh.. That's the last thing I want. In fact he might be a great guy with a great personality. If so, I'll never find out. That one statement alone has negated any possible chance that I'd even try to get to know him. Why bother! (this BTW is Robert's friend, if your wondering, my love) And, I know that my beau feels similarly about sharing of bodies. Sure sex is fun, but there has to be more than just sex, and good looks.

So what, you ask, makes me desire him? It is the complete package. Personality, temperament, moral foundation, commonality, looks, and all the quirks he has. I appreciate deeply that we can talk about the future and it not be just about who/when/where/how of sex. It's about the very real aspects that will be, predominately, more important than the eventual sex. We both have a child, family, friends, jobs, and distance to cover. We both have issues to work on. The give and take of the relationship. These are what we talk about when the future comes up. But... yes, as I'm snuggled down on the couch listening to his voice.. desire visits me again.. I want.. I want.. and again, and again, and again...


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