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Letters to Nowhere

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Yep, he's my kid.

While driving home yesterday my son says, "If I could break bones by barely touching with my fingers.. Would you still let me hug you?"

I bet at times like these my father starts smiling, breaking into song, and is flushed with a feeling of joy, even if he doesn't know why...

Me: Yes, I'd still let you hug me. But you would need to hug me with your arms and keep your fingers away.

"Oh.. ok. I could do that"

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Gravitational Pull of Cake

Today was my son's birthday. It's also my beau's daughter's birthday, as it happens. (Happy Birthday K!!)

Anyway, earlier this week I sent a note to my son's teacher to ask if I could send in some cupcakes for his class. She sent one back saying that would be fine.

This morning I did a very foolhardy thing. I walked into an elementary school carrying a sheetcake. As I walked by kids stopped talking and followed me with eyes glazed with visions of sugar. Before I'd made it past the office I had turned into the Pied Piper of kids.

I had a ever growing train of kids following me all calling out "Who's class is getting cake?" "Can I have some?" "What's the cake for?" etc. My son was quite happy to tell all the slobbery, wide eyed kids that the cake was for his Ninth Birthday.

As he said that some kids would break off and wander morosely away. Others pushed to the fore and started saying "Yay! I'm in his class" grinning at the poor sods that were not.

I now know what keeps the asteroid belt moving and confined to our solar system. There's a kid on each rock.. circling for cake.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Weird Thought #52

How do blind people know when to stop wiping after using the bathroom?

This question should not surprise you, especially if you've ever read the previous two (#34 and #47)

But seriously.. as I was using the restroom this thought occurred to me. I always at least glance at the paper. What if I couldn't? Would I be using 1/2 a roll each time, paranoid that I might be.. uh.. dirty. Or (gods forbid) would you have to feel around to be sure?

Yeah yeah yeah, I know. You're holding back a retch and backing away from the monitor. Sorry. Sorta. This, my friends, is the kind of things that can keep me up at night as I ponder the question from every angle.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Lunch Lady Mafia

Yesterday my son brought home a letter from his elementary school cafeteria.

"Your child currently has a balance of $1.25 in the school cafeteria. Please pay this balance immediately."

Niiiice.. This is the first time I've ever gotten a collection letter for a buck. No big deal. I called the sitter and told her we'd gotten a letter. She replied she'd write a check for his months lunch and I could pick it up in the morning. It's an arrangement we've had for 2 years. I pay her a flat fee. She writes a check every month to cover his lunches, picks him up from school etc.

So... This morning.. While I'm still sleeping.. the phone rings... Did I mention it wasn't even 7 a.m. yet? Who the hell is calling me this time of morning? Hello, I answer groggily.

Her: Mrs Clover? This is Po-Dunk Elementary calling.

Me: Yes, what time is it?

Her: It's.. uh.. 6:55. Are you aware your child has a balance in the lunch room? If it's not paid we will not feed him a hot lunch today. He'll only get an apple, a peanut butter sandwich on white bread and a carton of plain milk.

Me: Did you say 6:55 am?

Her: Yes ma'am.

Me: You do realize you only just sent the note home yesterday?

Her: Yes ma'am.

Me: So.. You're calling me at 6 in the morning why?

Her: To make sure you will pay this balance.

Me: Look lady, even the Mafia gives you 24 hours to pay a debt. And for the record, my son would be quite happy.. thrilled even.. to eat a peanut butter sandwich compared to some of your food. Goodbye.

One frekin dollar. A buck! I was woken up by the Hairnet Cartel for a dollar.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Using bereavement is.. good?

My mother's husband's father has passed away. While I was never close to him, it is a big deal for my mother and her husband, obviously.

I loaned them my car for the week so they could travel down for arrangements and services. So, I'm bumming around in the huge gas guzzling truck they use when they are home.

I went into work and explained the circumstances to my boss and arranged to take Wed-Friday off using bereavement leave.

After having taken care of that I joined my co-workers and explained why I was late and what was going on. You know .. I had too, my company survives on gossip, you see.

One of the ladies made a few statements about me using a lot of bereavement lately. I let it pass. She made another comment on how she wished she could have taken an extra two weeks off in the last two years. I got a bit snarky at that point. I turned around.. and said, "hey guess what.. I'll gladly trade you two weeks off for the life of my brother back.. Deal?"

There were no more little comments about my using my bereavement.

Saturday, January 14, 2006


Am I the only one that sees something strange in my sitting here watching a British Transvestite comedy routine while my son brushes my hair?

Dear Mrs Big Girl

First let me congratulate you on quitting smoking. As a smoker I know how hard that can be.

Ok. Here's the thing... You have, well, you've put on a bit of weight. Yes, yes I know this is not a surprise to you. You bemoan the extra 50 lbs all the freaking time. Fair enough. I would too. However.. Please for the love of all that is holy in the world.. PLEASE buy some clothes that FIT your new body. Oozing out of your clothing like cottage cheese in a clenched fist .. Well it's not sexy. It's nasty.

Yes, yes, I know you want to continue under the delusion of "I'm still wearing my size 12s". I can even understand it. However. I am not turned on by the sight of 5 inches of stretch-marked lower back (read that ass) that is hanging out between the (heroically) strained waistband and the now-too-short-to-cover-your-back shirts. I'm not impressed by the insanely bulging necklines either.

There is one other small detail you may want to take into consideration... When ladies wear skirts or dresses, well. Hmm.. How do I put this. You seem to have some odd force field located on the inside of each knee that repel each other. Ladies shouldn't sit like lumberjacks when wearing skirts. It's just not pretty. 'Specially on big girls. I say this as a big girl. I know. Trust me. Sit, pull down the skirt, press knees firmly together, and then tuck the skirt under your thighs, holding your legs closed. Please I beg of you..

Personally, I was thrilled to hear you'd been promoted to another department. It means I'll never be tempted to pour boiling lysol into my eyes again.

Please, break down.. buy some size 18 clothes.

Thank you

I was reminded of this person today when a co-worker asked the group "Does anyone see *her name here* a lot?

My dry and sarcastic reply of "I don't see her a lot.. But when I do see her, I always see a lot of her" brought a wave of laughter. We were all quite relieved when she was "promoted". I feel a bit bad for her new co-works however.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

As much as my mind wanders

You'd think I wouldn't need to get more exercise. It went like this:

I need to change over the laundry.. Since I'm going that way I'll get a refill on my coffee.

Toddle off to the kitchen, refill coffee, notice cat is out of food. Feed cat. Get back here. CRAP I forgot my coffee.

Head to the kitchen to get coffee, on the way notice paper towel on the floor. Pick it up, drop it in the garbage. Notice deodorant on the kitchen counter.. What the f.. ?

Go put deodorant back in the bathroom. Sit down at desk again. Son of a b... I still don't have my coffee. Back to the kitchen, shoo cat off the counter.. Stand in kitchen and look around.. Why am I here again? Oh yes.. Coffee.

Get back to the desk.

Damn it I forgot to change over the laundry.. THE WHOLE REASON I STOOD UP IN THE FIRST PLACE!

This ladies and gents is why I can NEVER get everything I need at any store in just one trip.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Work, work work

As many of you know I am in insurance agent at one of the top 5 companies in the states. I received a call from an irate older man today. Oh goody. I never did find out why he was so angry. He was screaming so loudly I could barely understand him from the distortion on the phone.

Me: Sir, I'm sorry you are talking too loudly. Your phone is distorting your voice. I can't understand what you are asking of me.

Him: (screaming down the moon) I want to talk to Mr Joe Blow! Right NOW!!

Me: Do you know what department he's in?

Him: (positively foaming at the mouth) He's your damn Vice President and I want him on the phone NOW!

Me: Sir, I think you are mistaken our Vice President is xxxxxxxx.

Him: If I don't talk to him right now I'm going to garbled garbled garbled sue garbled job garbled.

Me: Sir you are getting louder again I don't understand you.

Him: (he spells the name) Get him on the phone.

Me: The only person by that name I see works in our home office marketing department. If you would like I can transfer you there.

Him: No I will not be transferred!!! Get him on the phone.

Me: Sir, I'm unable to do that. I don't have access to the direct numbers in that office. I am able to get someone on the line from that department, but I'll need to place you on hold to do so.

Him: I will NOT be put on hold. Period. YOU WILL GET HIM. (I really am expecting him to drop dead of a stroke at any moment. I can positively HEAR his veins popping)

Me: Sir I'm not even in the same STATE as he is.

Him: silence.. silence.. (I'm just listening) silence.. WELL?!

Me: Well.. Fortunately I've just come back from lunch... Since I, personally, can't help you, and you do not want to be placed on hold or transferred... .. What would you like to talk about for the next three and a half hours. I get off at 4:30, you see.

Him: (a grudging laugh) ok Transfer me.

Me: Thank you. I'll be back with you in just a moment once I get someone for you.

I transferred him to someone in our corporate complaint office after introducing them. He was much much calmer by then.

My supervisor would have swallowed his tongue if he'd heard that conversation. LOL. It's almost a pity he didn't.

Monday, January 09, 2006


It's happened.. finally.. after years of waiting. DSL is in po-dunk Georgia.

There are roughly a brazillion pictures on Flickr now of my beau's time here. Including this "family mud mask" night picture which makes me wonder if I might be marrying Mike Myers

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Thanks ladies.. and Chris

Moon: You understand where we come from. You and *your* Chris went through alot of what my beau and I have... You were there early on when I was awaiting notice he'd arrived.

Anna.. You were there when the bed seemed to be my enemy, and sleep was a distant thought. Thanks for making me laugh. ;) Hope you liked that pic!!

Thank you both.. Each of you have made a very hard night more barable.

And, of course, Chris.. What would I do with out you to lighten the mood with just the right amount of sarcasm and drama? I hope the dinner was worth it.. and Uh.. Chris.. Anna, a good friend of mine in Chicago, thinks you should move with me *wink* Life isn't worth living without my Kr-E-us to bounce things off of!

Thanks guys.. hugs..

Saturday, January 07, 2006

In the air

Delta's website just confirmed my beau is in the air on his way back home.

I got back from the airport about 30 mins ago. The home I left this morning feels more like just a house now that he's gone. My bed looks large enough to land a small plane in. His favorite coffee cup sits 1/2 empty, the coffee long since cold and undrinkable.

In better news.. He's got a job interview Monday for a position in Kelowna. Keep your fingers crossed. If all goes well.. my son and I will be living there with him by the middle of the year.
In more better news.. I'll have DSL on Monday or Tuesday. (insert new year's eve type cheering) So there will be pictures... lots of pictures from the trip avaiable to all who know us (and those that don't but are curious) on Flickr. I'll keep ya posted.

sigh... I miss him already..

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

The real world...

My visit with my beau has been spanning a huge gulf from the wonderful to the mundane, though of course real life IS in the details.

On the 1st day of 2006 we were rearranging my bedroom (hey, I've got slave labor ;) While shifting around all eleventy hundred freking pounds of oak bedroom furniture I have my son, in the living room, started screaming. Not "I'm playing" screaming, not "I see a mouse" screaming, not even "holy shit I see a rat the size of a small dog" screaming, this was a scream of pure unadulterated terror and panic.

Les and I look up and to the (closed) door. Around the frame we can see the blue flashing of electrical arching/fire. My beau bolted the five feet to the door and squeezed himself through; the door was partially blocked with furniture. I, of course, was hot on his heels. The living room had the smell of burned wiring and (thanks the Gods) my son was NOT being electrocuted, which of course was my nightmare first thought.

I flipped all the breakers, grabbed the fire extinguisher and ran to my son. He was crying and shaking but unhurt. A wall socket had burned out in very dramatic fashion. James, my son, says fire shot almost a foot out of the wall, and given the blue strobe effect we could see from in my room and the scorching on the wall, I believe him.

A guy that lives in my area that builds new homes came over, removed the outlet, and made the wires safe for the night. An electrician came yesterday and replaced the socket.

Talk about exciting. Damn, I think I lost 5 years off my life that day.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

New Year's Eve

Well.. hmm.. Where to start. We headed into Atlanta to see the World of Coke museum. The place was crowded, of course; we had a good time anyway. Les was somewhat disappointed there was no overview of the bottling process. And.. I agree it would have been interesting to see. All in all though it was worth the $23 for all three of us.

After leaving Atlanta we had a picnic lunch at a near by state park, Indian Springs. Les and James played on the swings, both tire and regular. We crossed the "one foot bridge" several times (This, of course, being nothing more than a rule Les made up on the spot. We hopped and enjoyed ourselves. He's gonna be a great dad). James was thrilled to see the "waterfall". I'd seen it before and advised Les not to snicker when he saw it. The cheesy grin he had as he tried to hide his bemused reaction at the term "waterfall" ruined the valiant attempt on his part.

So.. What most of you REALLY want to know. How did meeting my psychotic untraditional family go?

Really well I think. The people I worried about were all on their best behavior. My mother said he wasn't what she was expecting, but has not clarified that. I don't know what she was expecting, but seemingly Les wasn't it. He met a slew of people, some related, some not. I think everyone got a favorable impression of him. I'm not worried. Though my mother did have the nerve to look shocked when I mentioned moving to Canada. It's not like we haven't had this conversation before.. Several times.

But I digress.. It went well.