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Letters to Nowhere

Thursday, July 01, 2004

I am

I do not intend to tiptoe through life, only to arrive safely at death.

I came across this saying while looking for the "Whoopass" cartoon I posted awhile back. It has been a long time since something struck me as so fundamentally representative of the way I view my outlook on life.

I am not saying that I am never torn by indecision, or occasionally overcome by trepidation. I, too, have had the "deer in the headlights" phenomenon occur to me. All that notwithstanding, I believe in living life today, here, and now. This may impress you as odd and/or false since I do spend alot of my time here looking back at my past. However, we can only initiate change or growth by acknowledging the good/bad of our past.

I try not to spend much time on the "coulda, woulda, shouldas". There is no point. I accept my past and do the best I can with whatever outcome I have received. All that has been has contributed to who I am.

So, who am I?

I tell you, if you'd asked me a month ago the answer might have been a bit different than it is evolving to be at this time. I'm undergoing a bit of introspection to try to answer this question, for myself.

Here are somethings I know about me. I am:
a survivor
a strong willed woman (my polite way of saying stubborn as a mule)
a mother
a analytical person
an emotionally fragile person at times
self reliant
possessing too much pride at times
a chameleon
trustworthy and faithful
distrustful of men
loyal to the people I love
beautiful inside and out (though I do have occasional doubts)
a closet romantic

Believe it or not... don't laugh... I used to be painfully shy. I was a compulsive liar at one point. I have been, in the past, far more free with my physical affections than I like to admit, even to myself. I was spineless, afraid to state my opinion, afraid to admit I even had one.

There came a point (long ago), when I reflected back on my life, and was disgusted. This person was not what I wanted to be. I have since taken steps to be the woman you know today. Perhaps, I have overcompensated in some areas, but at least I can respect the kind of woman I am. I am NOT afraid to stand up for myself. I am NOT afraid to tell the truth, even when it's painful and I find myself groping for the words. I am NOT a doormat, or an instinctively cowering, simpering, reflection of your (collective) desires. I will NOT wear the masks you demand of me.

I AM proud of me. I will speak my mind, even if my voice shakes. I will admit I'm wrong when I should. I will apologize. I make mistakes. I will have relapses. I will have my trials and tribulations.
But, I will live life. I will feast on the emotional banquet life gives me. I will love with all my heart. I will be true to me. I will take chances, with my heart, my mind, my beliefs.



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