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Letters to Nowhere

Friday, July 09, 2004

Introspection # (ah who cares)

So, where am I? I mean really where am I? I'm in love with a man.. shocking.. a man is in love with me. Even more unconscionable.. they are the same man.

He's surprised to find out that I am fairly insecure on some issues. It seems my "impervious bitch" facade works very well. Men freak me out a bit. I've had some pretty bad experiences at the hands of men. If I'd met him under different circumstances, or he'd been less cerebral, I'm sure he would have fallen into the threshing machine that is my knee jerk reaction to men.. Odd I know.

I've pondered at great lengths just what it is about him that he got the "get out of jail" free card. I really don't know what it is. I just know that sometimes he frightens me. I feel myself giving up most of my self protective measures for him. I can actually imagine being his wife, trusting him enough to be a father to my son. Inconcievable... but true. As much as it distresses me occasionally, I still don't want that to change.

Yes, I've dated in the last few years. I've dated men that were good men but I knew they weren't right for me. And I wasn't terribly upset when things didn't work out. They didn't consume me the way he does. They weren't my equals.. he is. I never considered a future with them.

I'm almost 30.. I'm too damn old to feel this flaky. After a sleepless night a few weeks ago and some in depth hard grilling of my inner self I've come to the conclusion that I AM willing to pack up my life, my son's life, and move to be with him just as soon as I can, which is at least 8 months from now. I'm willing to walk out of the shadow of the things that comfort and protect me (however feebly) to reach for the future. I love him, possibly for the first time since my son's father I really love a man. And he loves me... shocking.

I do love you Les. Fear not, I'm not going to turn tail and hide from you or your affections. I want you. I need you. I have faith in you, respect for you, and hope. Thank you. For everything.

Faith is not the towering oak that sees storms come and go. It is the fragile blossom that opens in the snow.


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