Cold Blooded Friends

Zeus&Hercules
Originally uploaded by red clover.

Our two lizards.. Zeus, the yellowish one, is a Mali Uromastyx. Hercules, the gator-ish one, is a Sudan Plated. Both are desert lizards. Zeus is a vegetarian, though he will eat a cricket every now and then. Herc.. he's all about the bugs and rarely a fuzzy (not quite infant but not quite grown mouse) Am I a cool mom or what? lol

A really bad idea..

Jesus Loves You Seat Covers
Originally uploaded by red clover.

Maybe I'm just odd.. OK scratch the "maybe" but does anyone else see why "Jesus Loves You" seat covers might just be a bit off?

I'm not even a Christian, yet I'm feeling vaguely uneasy about this.

Do you really want to be plopping your butt or crotch down on the words "Jesus Loves You"?

What if you fart? Isn't farting on the words "Jesus Loves You" a one way ticket straight to hell (assuming you believe in hell of course)?

I was torn between being horrified and laughing my ahem ass off when I saw these over at Oriental Trading Company

But then again.. they are on clearance.

Random Musings

Why is drowsiness listed as a “side effect” of Ambien in the TV commercials? I mean really... It is a sleep aid.

I had a customer ask me, “Am I talking to a real person or a machine?” I thought, well that depends on if you’re looking in my purse or my paycheck for verification. Terrible, I know.

Why is it your very favorite post, the one that was wonderfully written, never gets any comments? I can think of quite a few that I thought were spectacular and they echoed forlornly in cyberspace. C’est la vie.

You know those little postage stamp size breath-mint-strips? I noticed on the back they say “Avoid heat and humidity” and I’m thinking HELLOOO This is Georgia. That’s like having a balloon with “Avoid contact with air” written on the side. Just can’t be done, so suck it up Princess.

I saw a sidebar ad on the weather channel website that almost made me spray coffee on the monitor at work. It said Louisiana Gulf Coast Vacations More Affordable Than Ever!! Gee Sparky, why do ya think that might be?

I told a customer: The vehicle was deleted from the insurance on 08-16-05.
She said: Don’t get me wrong I know what deleted means but….. So the car’s not on the policy anymore, right?
Dear God I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

Every now and then, just to get a different view on things, to have a brief moment of your childhood back... Hang your head over the side of the bed, or couch and look at the world upside down. It’s amazing what a difference perspective can make.

Sarcastic? Moi? Cherish the thought..

Recently a blog-world friend, Latin Lover, posted a story about how he met his wife. My comment:

Ok. Ok. I see how Anduin might be a different person now, but you? Cocky, check, arrogant, uh huh, full of yourself... Um? Where's the change? (Is this the part where I start running?)

was read by a coworker and "real life" friend who gave me hell for possibly offending him. After a fairly long and vigorous debate I decided to make a follow up comment, which I'm quite proud of, I might add.

After a fairly gentle scolding (read that: I’ll be needing Preparation H for about 2 weeks for my well chewed nether region) from a "real life" friend of mine who pointed out that online “you” can’t see my facial expression, body language or hear the teasing lilt of my voice; Let the record show: I was kidding, teasing, making a joke about the 'haven't changed' thing.

Remember when you were a kid and your mother made you apologize for something; so you rolled your eyes through the whole spiel... yeah... exactly.

If, despite my insistence that it would be an inconceivably remote possibility, you did take offense, please allow me to prostrate myself before you, my tears defying gravity itself to form actual arcs of liquid sorrow, as head down, hands up I beseech your forgiveness.

Or some such ;)

(I hope you're happy now, you internet etiquette nazi)

My coworker read the follow up comment and said to me... in all seriousness... "You know, your sense of humor is kinda sarcastic."

LOL "Who'd a thunk it" I replied...

Am I the only one..

who sees the irony in having "Picutre Menu Available Upon Request" written on the drive thru menu at Burger King?

I mean.. really... If I can't read and thus NEED a picture menu.. .. .. .. How the hell will I know it's available?

What was the turning point?

collage
Originally uploaded by red clover.

I really don't know what was the final straw that led to me having weight loss surgery.

I was a very healthy obese person. My blood pressure made my doctors want to sing. My cholesterol was so good the woman checked it twice. I didn't have any pain in my joints, back .. whatever.

However, I did have a son. AND a family that has obesity tendencies. I noticed that everyone eventually ended up diabetic, fighting pain, heart disease and blood pressure. The medical problems only increased as they got older. And I had a reason to want to live.

Ultimately I've always said I did it for my son. And that's really the truth. It had reached a point that sweeping and mopping the house was an ORDEAL. My house was sliding into nastiness as I just couldn't keep up. I would make excuses not to go to the park with my son.

So I fought the battle with my insurance company and won. I was one of the first my company ever paid for. My employer is self insured.. so in effect my job paid for it. It wasn't the easiest thing to get approval for. But I was and still am a hardheaded, stubborn, and often narrowly focused bitch when it suits my purposes (You can stop with the feigned look of shock now. Its not fooling me... ;)

Looking back you don't realize how much of your life is affected by weight. I would enter a room and search for a very sturdy chair With-Out arms. Armed chairs were almost never big enough for me. Closing the door to a bathroom stall was often a battle, I'd damn near have to straddle the toilet to have enough room to shut the door without hitting my stomach. Even bench seating in restaurants often left me pinched between the seat and the table. Thinner people take it for granted that they will fit on a carnival ride.. I didn't even try anymore. Hell, just getting thru the turnstile was an Olympic feat.

I feel better, I can do anything, I don't take for granted the little trivial things "skinny" people do.

Will I ever be skinny? No.. and I don't want to be. I can't imagine being less than an size 14 .. I don't want to. I love my curvy body. I loved it then too, but I realized all the ways it was holding me back.

And.. I set myself free.

Then and Now

Before&After
Originally uploaded by red clover.

Last night while rooting around (as well as one can root around in the hard drive of a PC)looking at and editing pictures, I came across these two.

Man what a difference 3 years can make. When I had my Gastric bypass surgery (RNY) I was in excess of 450 lbs. My surgeon did not have a scale that went high enough for me. I'm now sitting between 230 and 250 pounds.

I've never regretted my decision. I went from a size 32/34 (plus sized womens) to a 18/20. If
I could have my excess skin removed from my tummy, arms, and thighs I'd very likely be a 14/16 and about
40 lbs lighter.

However.. considering I weighed 204 lbs in the 4th grade.. yes Fourth grade. I've never been this small as an adult.

My son was looking at the before and after pictures with me today and asked if it was me! He was four and a half when I had surgery. I asked him if he remembered me looking like that. He said No! Of course he also said "wow you were really fat", uh but I overlooked that lol.

He is very aware that I had surgery and still likes to touch the scar from time to time. I do have to admit .. It feels weird..

Weird.. and worth it.

If I'd known..

that, one year ago, today, would be last time I'd get to hug you..

If I'd known, that it would have been the last time, in life, you would hear me say "I love you"..

If I'd known..

Woulda, coulda, shoulda is hell. I didn't know. I couldn't know. However.. If I HAD known.. our commonplace and unspectacular "Me: I love ya bro, You: I love you too sis, quick hug and peck on the cheek" run-of-the-mill goodbye was going to be the last.. well, bro bro, I'd have held you tight. I'd have held on so long you would have laughingly accused me of being a pre-vert.

If I'd have known, I would have taken the time to look you in the eye when I told you I loved you. I would have listened to every single nuance of the words as they left your lips. I would have told you how fucking proud I was of you, how handsome you were, how I never quite got over the awe I felt when you were laid in my "big sister" arms for the first time, how much, how very very much I loved you.

But, I didn't know. Damn, I miss you John. You'll be gone a year ago tomorrow. I still think of you every day. Not a single day goes by that I don't miss you. It pains me that I'll be 30 soon, you'll never see 25. I miss your laugh, your smile, your easy humor, I miss teaching you to dance. It breaks my heart that in the end the pull of the drugs were stronger than you were. You tried so damn hard.

I miss you. I love you.

Kidney for sale..

only used for two decades*. Left or right kidney available today! Low introductory price! Cash or Debit only please. See small print for additional details.

* purchase soon, will be used for three decades in February. All hospital bills , recovery expenses and lost wages for the seller are to paid for in additional to purchase price by buyer.

OK.. so I'm exaggerating.. but not by much. I was recently sent a flier by my phone company. My little portion of Georgia, roughly the size of a pimple on a mule's ass, is now offering DSL.

The flier went on to explain, in print large and bright enough to make my stomach cramp and my eyes bleed, that this was a LOW INTRODUCTORY PRICE! It then had a teeny tiny line of legal print.

Long story short, I called. They would love, love, LOVE to give me DSL.. but.. only if I pay for the full first year and connection charge up front. Why? you ask... Due to circumstances totally out of my control (the death of two family members, and a garnishment due to identity theft *feking rat bastard credit cards companies and the abortion of justice laws in Georgia that only protect them.. erm.. yeah where was I? Oh yes.. ) I have been facing catastrophic financial difficulties. So, I've been late on my phone bill more than two times in the last year.

The good news.. the garnishment is now officially over, and I hope they fecking choke on that money.. but I digress.. yet again..

The garnishment is over, so I am finally able to catch up on all the little things that have been falling further and further behind. I figure it will take me a good solid month to break even again. You know.. The system that robs Peter to pay Paul? Well, it always has Paul's approval.. life's funny that way, innit?

Sometimes you gotta love

southern men.

A female coworker and I got on the elevator to go home at 4:25 pm as usual today. We were chatting idly waiting for the doors to close when a 30-something man stepped on. He excused himself for walking between us while we were talking and stood at the back of the elevator.

He says, "Excuse me for interrupting, are either of you going to the bank?" (My company has a credit union downstairs that closes at 4:30.)

We both replied that we weren't.

He continues, "If you wouldn't mind terribly, can I bolt off (the elevator) when we get to 1st floor? There are only a few minutes before they close."

We assure him it is no problem. "Oh no, go right ahead." and "By all means"

He goes on to say, "Thank you very much. My father would roll over in his grave if I hadn't asked. To rudely stride past two such lovely ladies without holding the door... unthinkable."

Those kinds of statements trigger something in a woman raised in the south. I found myself batting my eyelashes and thanking him for asking. It was a real Gone With The Wind moment.

So CNN.. how do ya like that? Chivalry is not dead, just in cryogenic suspension in most places.

Family Day 2005

Family Day 2005 (20)
Originally uploaded by red clover.

Oh yeah.. and Happy Thanksgiving to all the Canadians.

An aside, but at work today I spoke to a Canadian who is working in South Carolina for the next 6 months. I briefly assumed goddess status in his (and my boss') eyes for wishing him a Happy Thanksgiving as I was telling him goodbye. He stopped me and asked me how I knew. I explained my beau is Canadian. He was still impressed. There is, in my opinion, still something fundamentally wrong with having the turkey before Halloween.. C'est la vie)

Anyway.. Family Day.

Every year my company hosts a "family day". This year they bought us tickets and all-you-want-to-ride arm bands for the Georgia National Fair. (How can it be the Georgia & National Fair?) But I digress.

James, my son, Chris, my cousin, and I went down Sunday to the Fair. It's almost an hour south of us. We're on the interstate almost there, and you can see the rides from the car. I point this out to my son who is all but doing the pee-pee dance in anticipation.

There was one of those bulb highway signs telling us to go down one more exit (past the exit that says Fairgrounds) to get to the parking. We get off get to the entrance and .. it's blocked off. We've got to get back on the interstate and get off at the exit I originally was going to! As we did the U turn and drove past the front of the fairgrounds I said, "Ok James we've seen the fair, we're headed back home now"

From the back of the car came the howling of a trapped animal "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" I quickly.. well as quickly as possible since I was laughing so hard I could barely breathe.. reassured him I was just kidding. I was expecting him to say "Nu-uh!" or even "You can't sike me, mom. I know better." Chris and I laughed off and on for almost 1/2 an hour over that one long wail.

But in the end.. We all had a lot of fun. There are some 20 pix in all on my flickr account of the day. (oh and I promise I don't usually look that bad.. I'm bloated.. what can I say.. It's that time of the month.)

Taggin' the blogger booty

It's meme time. Woo hoo . Latin Lover made me do it ;)

The rules:
1. Delve into your blog archive.
2. Find your 23rd post (or closest to).
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions. Ponder it for meaning, subtext or hidden agendas…
5. Tag five (cough 3) people to do the same.

Ok my 23rd post was written on June 15, 2004. 2004 wow I can't believe how time has flown. Anyway it is titled Kids, of course anyone that's read it before refers to it as "the Jesus is having sex with angels" one.

The fifth line: With so many kids around at her house I really never got the chance to know my mother until I was an adult.

There isn't much hidden meaning there. Mom worked nights for most of the time I was there; I had 4 younger siblings. Of course all that practical 'mommy' experience has paid off. I've saved a fortune in doctor bills. If there aren't bones poking through the skin or at least 2 pints of blood on the floor, I pretty much just slap one (or 23) band-aid(s) on the boo-boo and call it good.

I can always tell the single-child adults who just had their first child. You hear them talking.. .. "she had a slight cough and a temperature of 100.3!! So, I rushed her to the doctor." "Little Bobby stuck a bean up his nose, so we spent 3 hours in the emergency room"

HAHAHA I laugh in the face of your co-pay. Give the girl some motrin. Tell Bobby the bean will grow into a bean tree that will root in his brain. I bet he'd have that thing outta there in NO time.


So now.. who shall I pass it on too. I'll drop some "dear God I cant think of anything to blog about" help to Peachy, Shannon might find time to do it, if she ever stops taunting my pathetic dial up access self with funny movie clips, and Silly Old Bear (Hey You) yeah he'll do it.. I think..

Too Much Imagination

A few days ago I watched The Ring 2 with my cousin, Chris. It was.. eh. OK.

I as a general rule am a fan of horror/thriller type movies. The downfall comes when you have too much imagination. I'm never affected immediately by a movie. I've never had trouble sleeping afterward, and going down the dark hall to the bathroom is child's play.

This can all change if I'm outside the house. Driving more often than not I'll be taken with a heart stopping moment of total recall.

I drove home at 3 am after watching the movie and talking w/ my beau and a friend for an hour or so. It's a 3 mile trip down a two lane road with thick trees on both sides. I saw (insert typical horror movie music) .. a DEER. Not at all unusual by the way. If you've not seen the movie you wont get it. Either way I heard "don't stop the car". That was all it took to make my heart pound.

However.. the movie that caused me the most chilling moment was In the Mouth of Madness. In the beginning there is a creepy you-just-drove-past-him-but-he's-always-ahead-of-you bicyclist. After we finished the movie my son's father and I were driving the hour home, talking about nothing in particular. About 15 minutes away from the house there was ... a bicyclist. In the middle of the night.. on a dark two lane street.

My "Fuck this.. We're going back!" Comment was met with Uh-huh, Uh-huh.. We did a three point turn in the road and went straight back to my mothers house 45 minutes behind us.

Yep, I am a pansy in the face of my imagination.

Faux Frosting

Awhile back I bought some stick butter, I forget what I was making. A few days ago I decided to put the leftovers in a small bowl so I could throw away the box, and not have half used sticks of butter in the fridge.

I was looking around for a small butter dish, empty cream cheese bowl, you know something with a lid that was reasonably sized. I found an empty frosting/icing tub which wonder of wonders, still had the lid.

I unwrapped the left over butter and put it inside. Then I used a fork to cream it to make it easy to spread when I needed it. I put it in th door of the fridge and more or less forgot about it.

Enter my son.. age 8. I was reading on the couch when he went into the kitchen for a drink. I heard a small gasp and a reverent "mmmm frosting" come drifting out of the kitchen.

I put down my book and activated super mommy power #1, super sonic hearing.

I listened intently to him tip toe across the kitchen, and ease the flatware drawer open. I heard the slight snick of two spoons bumping together as he sneaked one out. I smiled when I heard that sucking noise the gaskets on the refrigerator door make when you pull it open slowly. Then I heard the ever so careful sound of him slowly opening the frosting.

Then I heard nothing.. .. until


MOM!!!! Who put BUTTER in the frosting can?!?

After that I just heard my own laughter. He wasn't amused as he went to brush his teeth.