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Letters to Nowhere

Friday, October 21, 2005

If I'd known..

that, one year ago, today, would be last time I'd get to hug you..

If I'd known, that it would have been the last time, in life, you would hear me say "I love you"..

If I'd known..

Woulda, coulda, shoulda is hell. I didn't know. I couldn't know. However.. If I HAD known.. our commonplace and unspectacular "Me: I love ya bro, You: I love you too sis, quick hug and peck on the cheek" run-of-the-mill goodbye was going to be the last.. well, bro bro, I'd have held you tight. I'd have held on so long you would have laughingly accused me of being a pre-vert.

If I'd have known, I would have taken the time to look you in the eye when I told you I loved you. I would have listened to every single nuance of the words as they left your lips. I would have told you how fucking proud I was of you, how handsome you were, how I never quite got over the awe I felt when you were laid in my "big sister" arms for the first time, how much, how very very much I loved you.

But, I didn't know. Damn, I miss you John. You'll be gone a year ago tomorrow. I still think of you every day. Not a single day goes by that I don't miss you. It pains me that I'll be 30 soon, you'll never see 25. I miss your laugh, your smile, your easy humor, I miss teaching you to dance. It breaks my heart that in the end the pull of the drugs were stronger than you were. You tried so damn hard.

I miss you. I love you.

4 Comments:

  • I know what you are going through, and I am not going to 'encourage' you by telling you that all will be fine and that the pain will go away, because quite honestly I don't think that's the kind of sh*t you want to hear right now. (I know I didn't want to hear it then, and still don't want to hear it now).

    Truth is the pain will never go away. It may be less some days, but it will always be there. You will just have to be strong to deal with it day by day.

    It's not an impossible task, and if you ever do need encouragement, you have friends here who will be there for you, even if it's just via a blog.

    {{Hugs}}

    By Blogger Latin Lover, at 2:46 AM  

  • I had not realised it was a year already.... sorry. Hope you manage to have a nice weekend and remember happy times

    By Anonymous mellowyellow, at 9:10 AM  

  • I just have hugs to share my friend...know that I just a call away when ever u need to talk to vent.....oxox

    By Blogger moon, at 1:10 PM  

  • I knew it was close, as I am still hurting myself. I'm sending you hugs. And I'll try not to wet your shoulder too much.

    Much Love

    By Blogger Love, at 12:24 AM  

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