Man, I'm tired.

I went to bed last night and spent two hours looking at the ceiling. I was thinking, "yanno, if I don't pay the phone bill I'd have the money to go". I heard, "if you really loved me" echoing in my head. It was said in semi jest... but it preyed on me.

I wish I could go. I wish I could meet him there. But, I can't. Damn these responsible mommy ideals.

I miss him.

The key to life

.. Many people have said that if you learn something new every day you'll live long, and happy.

Well, I learned something last night.

I learned there's way more shaving gel in a can of ladies shaving cream than you can even imagine.

I was showering when I bumped the can off the small wall shelf. It hit the floor and the top broke off. The top is designed to dispense by pushing in the release tab inside the can. Not to be outdone I grabbed a butter knife and just depressed it that way. It worked like a dream.

Until I tried to do the right leg. The plastic piece broke... sank into the can .. and then.. and then.. I had a slow but determined fountain of pink shave gel oozing out of the can.

I tried in vain to clap my hand over it and stop the flow. That, of course, just started the 'gel into foam' process. Even standing under the spray of the shower I ended up covered in shaving cream.

There was shaving cream on the ceiling, the shower curtain, all 3 walls. So I shaved. I shaved until the hot water ran out. I am the hairless wonder. Hey what else can you do. I mean.. I was going to shave anyway, right?

All in all, the day was saved by my shower head. It's one of the ones you can take off and move about on a 3 foot hose. It only took me 20 minutes to hose out the shower and coax all that freaking foam down the drain.

But MAN was I clean clean clean when I got done.

Itching the scratches

As my sister used to call it. I am officially one big mosquito bite. Mosquitos never used to bother me. This summer oh my gosh! They are eating me up!

And I don't just have the small little bump that itches. Each bite swells to about the same diameter as a quarter. And they are raised and ITCH!

But heres a little secret from Red. Put Icy-Hot on the bites. The initial cooling helps the itch. Then the follow up warm tingling from the Icy-Hot really almost feels like it's scratching them for you. So you don't end up tearing your skin up scratching and possibly getting them infected.

Hey it works.

Atlanta at 4 am

I had to take my cousin, Chris, to the airport this morning. We got up at 3 am and did the last minute things.

Even at 4 AM Atlanta traffic is terrible.

After dropping him off I couldn't help but think about the last time I drove home from the airport. That trip was made through a haze of tears, loneliness, and a sense of not being complete.

This trip wasn't that different. One day my beau will be riding back with me. I can't wait.

I knew it would happen eventually

I took my son to vacation bible school tonight and stayed with him while he ate, as I usually do. James has been going to this same church for vbs for 3 years. We know a few people up there. So I trust him with them.

However, I am not a 'believer'. I knew sooner or later someone would ask the questions.. they came tonight.

Little old lady .. I think she might have been the first person born after the Ark landed on the mountain top. Today, she told me, was her 64th wedding anniversary.

Her: I'm (I forget) Whats your name?
Me: Red Clover
Her: Do you have a child with you?
Me: Yes, James over there (pointing to my kid helping himself to another pickle)
Her: Where do you go to church?
Me: (I HATE this question, I decided to be honest) I don't. I am not a believer, but I think it is a good idea to my son have some access to religion, so when the time comes he can think for himself and not just be a shadow of my beliefs.
Her: Oh.. oh.. (brightening) Well, I run a Sunday school class for people your age. We are very open and talk about anything that comes up. I think you'd fit right in. If you have any questions feel free to ask me.

OK. I soooo had to hold myself back. I felt my lips starting to twitch as 'the question of the night' from last night came back to me. I was good. I didn't want to kill the worlds oldest lady with my weird thought.

Me: I appreciate it.

James and I went to sit down and of course she joined us. There was another lady at our table that works at ABC insurance too. She noticed my name badge and we made idle chatter.

The ancient one: Where do you live?

(MAYDAY MAYDAY!!) To give this information is just BEGGING to be woken up on Sunday for the next month as she comes by to see if you'd like to attend.

I .. uh.. well I sorta lied. I gave very vague detail and suggested I lived at mom's house.

Sigh.. I knew it would happen sooner or later.

Question of the day.

Me: OK.. So here's the question of the night.. I thought about this while I was driving home from dropping them off at vacation bible school.
Chris: OK
Me: Is it a bigger sin, than usual, to masturbate while your kid is at Vacation Bible School? lol I mean.. I do have 3 hours alone lol
Chris: It is if you plan it on the way to drop them off. Spontaneous masturbation can never be a sin.
Me: lmao.. nope it wasn't in the plans..just wondering
Chris: if so, i will be the ruler of hell
Me: think I should ask the pastor tomorrow when I drop James off? (hysterical laughing face)
Chris: oh god if you do, I must be there. With a video camera. That would make my year. lol
Me: Mine too.. too bad I wouldn't be able to do it w/out laughing the whole time
Chris: I know
Me: Wonder what mom would make of it?
Chris: lol Or how about Cheryl (our most foam at the mouth religious family member)?I would love to see her stumble over that one.
Me: She'd probably start speaking in tongues..
Chris: Yeah she would. and break out the holy water.

Luna

Luna
Originally uploaded by red clover.

My cat is not terribly fond of children. I'm sure this could have nothing, what so ever, to do with all the terror my son inflicted on her while he was a toddler.

What they say is true; cat's have nine lives. This is so they will survive the raising of your children.

Lets see.. When my son was between the ages of 2 and 4:

He shaved a 4 inch bald spot into her side with the cordless trimmer I use to cut his hair. I had to use about a 1/2 a tube of neosporin on him for that little stunt.

One day I opened the door of the refrigerator and had a tawny colored rocket blasted by my feet. I screamed like a little girl! You know, when you expect to open the fridge and find milk and instead find a cat.. boy that's excitement.

Another day I heard her crying only to find her in the microwave. Being the safety conscious mom that I am I had used the 'lock to off' password that all recent microwaves are required to have .. so she didn't/couldn't get nuked. But she was NOT a happy cat.

When you turn on the clothes dryer..that just happens to contain a cat.. there is a queer thumping sound. I stood there thinking "gee, I don't have any tennis shoes in there.. what could be making that noise?" 7 lbs of cat on the fluff cycle could be making that noise. It was months before she'd walk near the dryer again.

All in all Luna, aka Luna-tuna, aka Luna-tic, managed to survive and so did my son.

It brought a smile to my lips this morning when I saw her, of her own free will, climb up on the couch and curl up on my son's stomach as he was watching his friend play the GameCube.

Weird Thought # 71

Am I the only one?

I saw “serve this refreshing, lightly carbonated beverage super chilled” on the side of a can. My first thought was: yeah because if it it’s even slightly warm it will probably taste like something died in it.


In the ladies restroom at work, a large printed sign in the stall says “Please do not dispense of sanitary products in toilets”

All I can say is OMG! Trust me... If I ever drop a quarter in a toilet and get something back, I am not going to touch it!

Finishing sentences...

1. My uncle once carried me home after I busted my eye open on the swings. Dad near to had a heart attack at seeing me limp and bloody in his arms.
2. Never in my life will I understand "new and improved". It's either new.. or it's old and improved!
3. When I was five I almost got my father in serious trouble when I told the sitter we took a bubble bath together. I neglected to mention we wore bathing suits and were in the kiddie pool in the yard.
4. High School was a blast. Good friends, good times, and omg the stories... the stories.
5. I will never forget the awe inspiring feeling of giving birth, and the first sight of my son.
6. I once met Warren Buffet. A very nice man.
7. There’s this woman I know who is so incredibly dumb she honestly believed me when I, mockingly, told her black men had black semen.
8. Once, at a bar .. yep that's about right ONCE at a bar. I'm not a bar kinda person.
9. By noon I’m usually praying for the day to be over.
10. Last night I was asleep by 3:00 am. Woo hoo.. early for a Friday.
11. If I only had a million dollars I could finally find out if Chris "I'd eat a used tampon for a million bucks" boast was true.
12. Next time I go to church someone will either be getting married or dying.
13. Terry Schiavo who? She wasn't my concern. Though if I was in her place I say pull the PLUG already. I don't want to live like that.
14. What worries me most is what the hell the kids are up too.. They are way too quiet. Be back in a minute. :)
15. When I turn my head left, I see Anubis, Bastet, Tut, and Nefertiti
16. When I turn my head right, I see the hall way, and in my peripheral vision the tank of our two lizards.
17. By this time next year I hope to be living in Canada.
18. A better name for me would be overbearing bitch, if you ask my son's father.
19. I have a hard time understanding why we coddle our criminals. They weren't concerned about the civil rights of the people that robbed, killed, raped or tormented.
20. If I ever go back to school I’ll be in heaven. I enjoyed school. Alot.
21. Take my advice if you ever wake up with a cat on your chest that sounds like a Slurpie machine on the clean cycle.. throw them off you.. RIGHT THEN. Shampooing cat puke out of your hair at 3 am.. Not fun.
22. My ideal breakfast is the one I get to eat with the man I miss so much.
23. A song I love, but do not have is Fur Elise.
24. If you visit my hometown, I suggest the river walk at dusk, walking the beaches at midnight, and eating at the European Café in historic 5 points.
25. Tulips, character flaws, microchips & track stars are all things you don't give a damn about while you're washing cat puke out of the sheets.
26. Why won’t people take responsibility for their actions.
27. If you spend the night at my house we'll probably be up till 2 am laughing, talking, and goofing off.
28. I’d stop my wedding for nothing that didn't involve risk of life or limb. Fire in the building we're in, Yes. A run in the stockings No.
29. The world could do without yet another feking Wal-Mart.
30. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than trample another fire ant bed unknowingly
31. Paper clips are more useful than a jock strap at holding 4 pieces of paper neatly together. And a lot less likely to get you fired.
32. If I do anything well, it's pick apart a line of bullshit.
33. And by the way two eight year old boys can reach a sound level similar to that of a leer jet taking off in your living room.

Only children Vs multiple children

I have two only children "sleeping" in my son's room right now. My son, an only child, and his friend, also an only child.

Randall, the other kid, lost his home to a house fire Thursday. He will be staying here with my son and me for the weekend.

Both boys are 8 years old. Both are only children. James is taller, more muscled. Randall has a wonderful functionally vocabulary and pretty good enunciation for a Georgia boy.

They are in my son's bed right now. Whispering to each other 30 mins after bedtime.

Now as to the title. The differnce...

20 mins after I told them it was bed time and put them in the bed with hugs and kisses for both, I could very clearly hearing them talking. They weren't even trying to hide the fact they weren't sleeping!

Shame, shame, shame. I actually called out to them, "If your going to ignore the fact it's bedtime, then at LEAST talk in whispers! After all, I'm not supposed to know you're not sleeping."

Instant silence (just add water)... I guess it made sense to them. I can now just barely hear a few consonants in the speech. All and all they are doing an admirable job of "sleeping".

Kids that have siblings instinctively develop the "oh hell, it's bed time, we gotta fake it" after hours bed room voice. As the oldest of five kids, I can attest to that inherent ability in kids. This is like a flashback to the days when my two oldest brothers where 9, and 8. I was 13 and "in charge" while mom worked nights. Ah the days!

It's a dog

Chance
Originally uploaded by red clover.

In my house!

Some friend's lost everything in a house fire yesterday. They escaped with themselves the clothes there were wearing, and a few odds and ends that were near the door.

They are understandably distraught. Red Cross set them up in a hotel until Monday. Their son, who is James' age will be staying with us this weekend. But.. they couldn't take the dog.

So... I'm dog-sitting. While Chance, the dog, is a good dog I'm just not much of a dog person.

I'm OK as long as they don't try to lick my face.. uughh. Grosses me out! No lickey- no lickey lickey (in my best emperors new groove voice)

And Sharpe's (shar-pay) are a good family breed. But, petting them is.. uh.. interesting. It's like petting a net bag full of cottage cheese, that just happens to have hair. It's like a raisin with fur.

And when he drinks.. gak. He is a messy drinker. Long strings of drool and dog goo dripping all over the floor. I'm very glad I have linoleum.

And the only way I can get him to come back into the house after a potty break is pure bribery.. cheese. I'm glad I bought 2 packs lol. And no I'm not giving him whole slices. Just a quarter slice, enough to convince him to come back into this strange home where none of his family are.

It really is pitiful how much he is moping. When James and Randal (the friend's son) come home today they are going to give him a bath. He smells like dog and smoke. Not a good combo.

Signs you really miss your significant other

You give very serious thought to driving 20 hours ONE WAY for a net gain of 36 hours in their presence. Never mind the fact you’ll be so exhausted you’ll sleep away 12 of them.

A $600 plane ticket seems reasonable in the face of the above.. hey only 7 hours one way.. and a net gain of almost 3 days time.

All that aside, I’d really like for him to come down here for a visit. In a perfect world, we’d both have the time and money to come together for 2 or 3 weeks. This is not that world.

But, I’ve been there.. I’ve met his family. I’d like to let him meet mine. Chris and James are both wild to finally get to meet him.

John's testimony

Every day I get between 2 - 10 hits from search engines looking for Zanny bars, Zanies, Zany bars etc.

I do get some comfort from knowing that they find this site and learn that shit can kill you.

I miss you, bro-bro. James misses you. We've not forgotten you, and never will.

The bitter taste of disappointment

I have spent the last 3 weeks in a state of heightened anticipation. I’ve been waiting for The Dress. Yes, ladies and gents, it has attained proper noun status.

The Dress is a thing of satin, ribbons and in an 18th century style. It is/was my one nod to personal indulgence.

It arrived yesterday. I was ecstatic. I don’t think I’d have been happier if the USDA had decreed that 3 servings of cheesecake a week would make you LOSE weight.

This level of unbridled joy continued while I opened the box. It continued until I pulled the bodice out of the box. It looked... small... not just ‘oops I bought a size too small’ small but oddly small... the way a grown man would look if you removed his shin bones and saw him standing with his feet attached at the knees.

The underarm seam (from armpit to waistband) was only 6, count ‘em, 6 inches. Ok. Homework assignment!

1. Hold out your arm horizontally
2. Measure the distance from your arm pit to your waist. You can do this with a tape measure or by guess and gosh.

So tell me, is it even remotely close to 6 inches?

If it is, you are either a child, or a strangely mutated freak of a human missing numerous ribs, for reasons I don’t even want to consider!

Ok as if that wasn’t bad enough... The skirt while in one piece was not hemmed. I can live with that. BUT... BUT the waist was not acceptable. There was no finishing done on it. It was just the ragged ends of the fabric sewed into a circle. No elastic, drawstring, opening for a zipper, hooks and eyes or anything. So unless your hips are the same size as your waist you can’t get the thing on!

So, I fired of a well worded, clearly articulate email advising them of the problems and that I will cheerfully send them back the garment for a refund. A full refund.

Weird Thought #67

We were talking at work about the Clapper.

I see a problem.. one which is not immediately apparent. This is not a product for .. umm.. newlyweds.

I can already envision the scene.. the neighbors KNOW when you're having really good body slapping sex. They know because the lights keep flashing off and on in your bedroom.

Of course my co-workers damn near pissed themselves laughing when I mentioned this potentially embarrassing flaw.

It was the first thing I thought about though. Now you know why its always grandma in bed.. ALONE.. clapping to turn off the lights in the TV commercial.

======== edit ==========

Ok you pervs.. I'm not talking about spanking.. per se. I was thinking just along the lines of that good ole skin on skin sound.. you know thighs, belly, or maybe the headboard clapping against a wall. THAT kinda thing. Geeze.. and I thought my mind was in the gutter..

Helpful, compassionate? I think not!

By now I'm sure EVERYBODY has heard about this guy. You know, the one that crossed the US/Canadian border with a bloody chainsaw, homemade sword, knife, brass knuckles and, as if that wasn't enough, a hatchet?

OK If you've not read the story do so. There is one sentence that just blows my mind. Totally blows my mind!

That sentence is:

Despres hitchhiked to the border crossing.

OK, umm.. here's my dilemma. Who the HELL would give a ride to a man with a CHAINSAW! Fuck NO!

1. It's a man.. a man who looks like a bloody axe murderer..
2. He has a CHAINSAW
3. Do I need I really need to go on?

I'm all for helping your fellow man, but a chainsaw.. with red "stuff" on it. I wouldn't give a ride to a man w/ a chainsaw in a box! Brand spanking new, with a receipt not even 10 minutes old. I wouldn't give a ride to a 12 year old with a chainsaw.

Why not have a "kill me now" sign on the car?

Gas station revelation

Me: Will you go in and pay while I pump?
Chris: Sure

(getting into the car)
Chris: Now THAT was a bull dyke!
Me: What? The person at the register?
Chris: Oh Yeah, I mean I was getting turned on... until I saw the name badge said Jane.
Me: (laughing) yep that's a dyke.

Madness takes it's toll,

Please have correct change.

That, ladies and gents, is my new favorite bumper sticker.
Past entries have included:

You laugh at me because I am different. I laugh at you because you are all the same.

God, please save me from your followers!

Sarcasm: Just another service I offer.

--------

So where have I been? Hmm..
Well, I've been hanging out with my cousin Chris. A good thing. I've missed him.

James and I got the Dance Dance revolution game and have been playing it. I use the word playing loosely since we suck! But it's been fun.

And finally my lack of blogging comes from a HUGE increase of work to do at (*gasp*) work!

I normally type up my bloggs there and bring them home for all you adoring masses.. or some such.

-------

On MUCH better news... Remember that $7000 debt I got stuck w/ because I couldn't prove it was mine? You don't?! Well anyway!

They filed for and received permission to garnish my wages last year. I've been living on a very very drastically reduced budget as a result. I found out last week that it is paid off.. after only paying $2600.

The judge (may the gods bless him) stated that since the company could not produce the documents that were needed for me to prove the debt was NOT mine, he was forcing them to settle, since there was some doubt as to the validity of the debt.

So WOO - freaking -HOO I'm actually getting all of the money I'm working for again.. well after the govmt has it's turn at my taxed ass.. with out KY I might add..

All in all.. things are looking up for the Red household.