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Letters to Nowhere

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Dear Mrs Big Girl

First let me congratulate you on quitting smoking. As a smoker I know how hard that can be.

Ok. Here's the thing... You have, well, you've put on a bit of weight. Yes, yes I know this is not a surprise to you. You bemoan the extra 50 lbs all the freaking time. Fair enough. I would too. However.. Please for the love of all that is holy in the world.. PLEASE buy some clothes that FIT your new body. Oozing out of your clothing like cottage cheese in a clenched fist .. Well it's not sexy. It's nasty.

Yes, yes, I know you want to continue under the delusion of "I'm still wearing my size 12s". I can even understand it. However. I am not turned on by the sight of 5 inches of stretch-marked lower back (read that ass) that is hanging out between the (heroically) strained waistband and the now-too-short-to-cover-your-back shirts. I'm not impressed by the insanely bulging necklines either.

There is one other small detail you may want to take into consideration... When ladies wear skirts or dresses, well. Hmm.. How do I put this. You seem to have some odd force field located on the inside of each knee that repel each other. Ladies shouldn't sit like lumberjacks when wearing skirts. It's just not pretty. 'Specially on big girls. I say this as a big girl. I know. Trust me. Sit, pull down the skirt, press knees firmly together, and then tuck the skirt under your thighs, holding your legs closed. Please I beg of you..

Personally, I was thrilled to hear you'd been promoted to another department. It means I'll never be tempted to pour boiling lysol into my eyes again.

Please, break down.. buy some size 18 clothes.

Thank you

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I was reminded of this person today when a co-worker asked the group "Does anyone see *her name here* a lot?

My dry and sarcastic reply of "I don't see her a lot.. But when I do see her, I always see a lot of her" brought a wave of laughter. We were all quite relieved when she was "promoted". I feel a bit bad for her new co-works however.

4 Comments:

  • OMG I totally relate...I have known women who wear clothes WAY to tight as a rule, not even because they gained a few lbs. When will ppl learn that it only makes one look BIGGER then they actually are!! WEAR CLOTHES THAT FIT PPL!!

    By Blogger moon, at 11:59 AM  

  • I know of a girl who routinely wears her clothes 2 sizes to small. We call it denial, she calls it sexy. We roll our eyes, she preens. You adore the person but just don't have the heart to tell them.......yanno.....you'd be a good candidate for that show "What not to wear".

    By Blogger Shannon, at 1:25 PM  

  • I've seen big girls that are wearing those half shirts and shorts with all their stuff hanging out and I feel bad for them, but disgusted at the same time. I wonder who is telling these girls that they look okay. I'm a big girl, and I would never ever think of wearing something like that. I do my best to try to hide it.

    What about women whose makeup is hideous too? How do you tell them that raccoon eyes were never really in and that eyelashes that are clumped together with lots of mascara is not really flattering? I agree with Shannon. Good candidates for what not to wear.

    By Blogger Anduin, at 5:34 PM  

  • I have a friend whom is a big girl and she wears clothes that are way to tight for her. She thinks it is sexy. On what planet I have no idea.

    It may have been sexy when she was 21 and much smaller. But about 20 years, 3 kids and about 80 later, it sure as hell isn't. She is very beautiful, but her clothing style makes her look like a tramp.

    By Blogger ilegion, at 2:10 PM  

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