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Letters to Nowhere

Friday, November 18, 2005

Mysteries Inc.

Every home has its mysteries. Mine is no exception. I’ve given up on documenting the void in my dryer's lint trap that is a portal to the galaxy’s largest sock single’s bar. I’ve stopped trying to catch the Paper Products Fairy in the act.

I’ve decided that wire coat hangers are the only inanimate object that can reproduce sexually. Don’t believe me? Put two hangers in a closet by themselves. Come back in a week and you’ll have a snarl of wire coat hangers. Of course they will be so hopelessly entangled you end up throwing the entire mass away.

But I digress…

Tonight I’ve solved two mysteries of my bathroom.

Mystery #1: My razors come out of the package oddly dull. I mean I can barely shave my legs with the razors I bought just days ago.

Mystery #2: Why is the caulking on my (relatively) new shower surround in such bad shape?

Is it because the underwear gnomes have been using my razors to shave the holes that always appear in the seat of my son’s underpants? Is it because I have some new breed of shower beast that eats caulk and excretes soap scum?

No. As I learned tonight when I tried... key word TRIED to shave my legs. I grabbed a new razor out of the cup I store them in (on the counter to prevent rust). I noticed the blade guard was on backwards and thought... Damn you underwear gnomes!! Anyway I took the blade guard off and noticed an odd coloring. Guess what it was... go on... guess... I’ll wait.

It was... caulk.

My son, whom I love... really I do. Clearly took me at my word when I told him “If I catch you using these razors on any part of your body, you will be in HUGE trouble.”

So... he’s been Shaving. The. Fecking. SHOWER!

There will be words tomorrow. Lots of words. Loud words. I’ll bet you eleventy hundred dollars his words will be “I don’t know” to damn near every question I ask him.


  • That is the FUNNIEST post I've read in a long time!

    And your analysis has put me on the track of a few of my OWN mysteries...

    By Blogger Peter Porcupine, at 9:40 PM  

  • "Is it because the underwear gnomes have been using my razors to shave the holes that always appear in the seat of my son’s underpants?"

    this made me think of a cute story...
    I handed my son (the four year old) a pair of underwear the other day and told him to put them on... I didn't realize there was a hole in the seat of his underwear... I walked out of the room to gather some more clothes for him... and when I walked in... he was standing on my bed, with his underwear on backwards and his penis sticking out of the little hole that was in the back of his underwear... his legs were spread open a bit and he was standing there looking down at his penis... when he saw me walk in he looks up and says to me... "hey mom if I leave it out like this it'll be much easier to pee all day long"
    I tried not to kill myself laughing... I just said "thats true hunny but..." as I'm taking his underwear off to turn them around..."this hole in the front is much better for that, not just that if your penis touches the zipper on your jeans won't it be a bit cold"...
    I nearly died laughing when he was out of ear shot....
    it's one of those stories that I'm gonna tell at his wedding... >:)

    By Blogger Rae, at 2:09 AM  

  • Oh My...! I remember one of mine shaving his face at the tender age of 6 and that of his teddy and nearly his baby sister. Have a great weekend

    By Anonymous mellowyellow, at 7:46 AM  

  • Noooooooooooo he won't say "I dunno"...what he will say is "It wasn't me".

    Betcha. Betcha. Betcha.


    By Blogger Shannon, at 8:52 AM  

  • This was an awesome post! LOL @ the socks single bar.. :)

    That sucks about the razors! Those things are sooo expensive!

    Little rascal!

    By Blogger some girl, at 10:51 AM  

  • OMG that was too funny...and I wager with Shan....»puts money on table.

    By Blogger moon, at 12:50 PM  

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