Canadian Idiot - Weird Al

I cracked up over this one.

OMG Santa Called Our HOUSE

My son and I were talking about what he wanted for Christmas. I mentioned that Santa had called me yesterday to get his list but he hadn't made one out yet.

He was STUNNED. "Santa. Called. Our. House?" he asked.

Yes, he did. He does every year, was my reply.

As we started making a list, Santa called back!

Mom/Dad you can highlight the following few lines to read them:
Basically I hit the "Ringer volume Select" button on the cordless phone.. Which, of course, made it Ring. I then had a talk with "Santa".

James tried to put his head close to the phone to hear. Santa told me to tell him eavesdropping goes in the Bad column. Santa also wanted me to tell him that being disrespectful to elders (the babysitters) would be a HUGE mark against him.

But.. Santa called to see if James had a Christmas list made out yet. He explained he MUST have the list before the first of the month in order to have everything ready for delivery.

He's since come up with a LIST:

Nintendo Wii
Robo-Raptor
Monster House (for PS2)
Pokemon Monster Dungeon (for Nintendo DS)
A Rock Tumbler
GooseBumps Books
Uno (the Adult Game.. he's had the "Dora" version for awhile)
Any Tony Hawk game for Nintendo DS or PS2


He's not cheap is he? Santa BEWARE!

Oh the Cheese

My husband and I often trade cheesy jokes. This one.. well.. You'll see...

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A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears: BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him… BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping. clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP...

The terrified man rushes upstairs to the bathroom and locks himself in. His heart is pounding.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door, bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of Robitussin. Desperate, he throws the bottle at the casket...
and,

(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)

The coffin stops

Permission Granted

My son was looking at pictures taken while I was in Florida with my husband. James was being baby-sat by my brother and his wife.

Him: Mom, why couldn't I go with you?

Me: Well, it was "Adult Night"

He asked why he couldn't have gone anyway. I explained it was a time for my dad and stepmother to get to know my husband and for us to spend time together without having to worry if he was having fun or ok.

He thought that over and asked why I don't have "Adult Night" more often. I was silent as I pondered how to explain the somewhat reduced freedom I have now that I'm "mom".

Me: In life you often have to choose what's more important. For me it's more important to spend time with you and be a good mom than to go out a lot.

He thought that over while he stood next to me. He then placed a hand on my shoulder and said, in a decidedly parent-granting-permission-tone

Him: I think it would be alright for you to have an Adult Night everynow and then. Just not too often ok?

He then squeezed my shoulder and smiled down at me. Ugh! Curse me for sitting while he was standing AND asking his patented brain-busting questions.


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At moments like these I can't help but think my father feels an unexplained rush of pure glee.

To Complete Sci-Fi Weekend

I was going to watch Bridges of Madison County but wasn't fealing it.

So I finished off the weekend with

The Firefly Series
and
Serenity (The Movie)

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Thankfully James wasn't impressed with Howard The Duck, so I was spared that one at least.

The "X-Files"

I've finally finished the Trio of movies.. after only 3 or 6 interruptions..

Most due to me being a "mom"

However, I wonder?


How many of you have a BLOOD relative, not a step, not an obscure aunt, but a mother, father, brother, sister or Self... that have seen, or otherwise, something that would fall in the

"X-Files" category.

To be frank, my own father has related to me (which he only saw once as a child), more than once his sighting of a "non-human" flying machine, which I scoffed at.

However.. That said.. Some ten years later, I could not explain a "something" I saw...

So.. What's your family story?

It's been Movie Day

I've watched:

Xfiles
The Mothmen prophesies
The Astronaut's Wife

All pretty good.

My favorite Quote:

Mulder: Five years together how many times have I been WRONG?
Scully: (Dirty Look)
Mulder: While DRIVING anyway?!
Scully: (VERY Dirty Look)

X-Files is the only one I wished I'd seen in the theatre. Sigh.. Oh well

The most elusive Starbucks

The last few times I’ve driven to and from Jacksonville Florida (via I-75S) I’ve looked for The Starbucks. It has assumed proper noun status in my mind due to its difficulty to find.

At least twice my cousin was with me as we searched for it. We’d see the billboard, note the exit number, and then .. and then.. Find nothing.

I was telling Les about this obscure location. I told him about my, now almost obsessive, desire to locate it, and my theory that it was only present in this dimension when moon beams fell on the spot while the wind blew from the north, and 3 yuppies had a vague desire for a “decaf soy frapi-capi-iced-froo-froo that only has one coffee bean in the whole cup” cup of flavored $6 water.

It’s unfair to make me stand in line behind people that spend 10 minutes just ASKING for the cup of stuff they want; I just want coffee. Coffee flavored Coffee. A bit of Cream and COFFEE, that’s all. I NEED coffee it is not a recreation or status symbol. It’s a medical need, really it is!

Les listened to my tirade and then he launched into an animated and jaunty spiel in a very Crocodile-hunter-ish way.

“We are on the trail of the most elusive Starbucks in the WORLD. Legend says it is located in this VERY area, but there has been NO confirmation by previous hunters.

Crickey! I see signs of it! (A billboard) We are surely closing in on the object of our hunt. Exit 16 and then TURN LEFT. Others before us have followed these signs and left dejected. SHALL we SUCCEED?”

All during this little off and on monologue I was laughing. James was mostly asleep in the backseat. We woke him up with our “weirdness”.

We exited the interstate and easily found the Starbucks. Clearly the moonbeams were properly aligned.

Woo-Hoo After ordering 2 large coffees and a few pieces of coffee cake we were back on the road. Ah... Coffee.

In the battle Man Vs Boy

Boy Wins.

On Wednesday after the wedding we called and made an appointment to get our pictures done, picked my son up from school and got him back into his suit and headed for ABC Insurance.

My co-workers had made me promise we’d stop by while dressed in our wedding finery.

There Les learned a valuable lesson. Kids are cute. Kids are WAY cuter than brides and/or spouses.

All the introductions went something like this:

Me: This is Les, my new husband (beam with pride)
The Co-Worker: Hi Les it’s nice to meet you. OH MY GOODNESS LOOK AT JAMES! Oh I’ve not seen you since you were this tall.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

If we were lucky we’d get to talk for 2 or 3 minutes BEFORE… OMG is that JAMES. OH you’re SO Handsome! (They beam at him with something like pride)

James ended up having a long talk with a group of my (female) co-workers about lizards, snakes, etc. My former supervisor, Jim, was about to break his neck listening in and watching James. Of course Jim loves all children so that wasn’t unusual.

Les and I wandered around somewhat disjointedly as cries of “Ohh Look there’s Red’s SON” and the chorus of Awes went around. It was like being at a Bingo Hall.

Kids, ‘specially a cute kid, make my co-workers lose their heads a bit.

Wedding Cont. & What's that?

Needless to say we drove to Alabama and were married in the company of my cousin, my mother, and my son.

It was indeed “colorful”. The security guard kept whispering to Les every time he passed “Don’t Do IT”

The judge was great and personable. He offered some very good advice. The key to a happy lasting marriage is to realize you have habits which will irritate your spouse. They key is to recognize them… and stop.

As we were leaving and taking pictures outside a strange woman passed by and hissed “See you in two years” for divorce court I could only imagine.

Colorful indeed, hmpf

After the wedding we had dinner at Red Lobster, and then headed to the bed and breakfast. We had a wonderful room, with a large metal, old fashioned, claw foot tub.

I took a wonderful, long, lavender scented bath. It was heavenly.

The room was very hot, but otherwise well appointed and beautiful. Breakfast in the morning, which we were late for having told her we’d eat a nine, but not waking up till 9:30, was wonderful. A nice egg, turkey bacon, and cheese breakfast casserole, biscuits, banana bread muffins, sticky buns, fruit compote, orange juice and, of course, coffee rounded out the meal.

We toured her home, said our goodbyes to Miss Amelia, and headed to my house.

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Les has since made note of the fact we call people “Miss whatever” I work with a Miss Mary, Miss Lucy, etc.

I explained it’s a form of respect usually used with your elders, friends of the family type people. My father is known as Mr. Vic to the kids in his neighborhood. It’s just a southern thing, I guess.

A few other “Southern” things Les asked about:

We went to dinner at a buffet.

Les: What’s that?
Me: Black Eyed Peas
Les: What’s that?
Me: Lima Beans
Les: What’s that?
Me: Fried Okra
Les: What’s that?
Me: Collards (Collard Greens)
Les: What’s that?
Me: Pulled Pork

Me: And THAT is bread. (That earned me a dirty, but amused look from my love)

Oh so bittersweet.

Today I realized that my brother died 3 years and 15 days ago (two days before I got married).. And I never once thought about him on that day.

Thank you, husband, for giving me a reason to be so very joyous at that time as to obliterate a few of the most painful days of my life.

However...

John, Rest in peace, you are still well loved and missed.-


Aunt C.. Thank you for your emails about my/our wedding. They were greatly apprecated. Especially the first, that one made me laugh.. and laugh. Forgive me for not calling you yet to express my thanks. I'll try to visit this weekend. I've got GREAT pictures to show you.

You know? The Original plan was to have you officate at the wedding.

Why I don't do karoke

My father sings professionally. My step-monster . uh I mean moTHER, sings as well. They are GREAT

My husband was a bit perturbed at me for not getting up and singing at the party we attended with my Father and Linda a few days (count 'em THREE DAYS) after we were married. L, my step mother sang a song for us .. We danced as a COUPLE for the first time then......

He, maybe, doesn't understand the fear and pressure I feel when they are in the room. My father (and Linda) are PROFESSIONAL singers. Les can fuck up a song and it's nothing and no reflection on them (dad). Sorry, hun I couldn't explain it then.. I'm sure(/hope) you can understand at this time.

If I butcher a song... Everyone there knows I'm V and L's daughter.. And I can easily imagine this "Oh My Fuken Godness.. She sucks donkey dick!!! Are you sure V didn't adopt?!?"

I don't sing in public.. Not out of fear for my reputation.. But more from fear of public opinion..

Yep.. Even I am a slave to opinion sometimes.

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As an aside.. Les sang 3 songs.. and DAYUM he was GOOD. Dad and L, thought so... As we were leaving he was complemented by a group of other professional singers that were there that night.

That's MY HUSBAND! Rowr.. mmmm.. *evil grin**

----------- More on that night when it's in the right time frame.. . ha ha ha.. I have a pic of Les dancing "Kentucky hick" style right next to the Gent (read that MILLIONAIRE dressed as a pimp) that lived next door to Ronny VanZant/Lynyrd Skynyrd/Free Bird.. A friend of My father's.. umm no pressure for me.. Oh yeah.. WTF EVER!

Wedding Story Part 1

Ok Ok .. I’ll finally get around to it. Shesh…

I picked him up from the airport (after a very nerve wracking drive) at 11 pm Sunday October 22. We made it back to the house near to 1 in the morning and crashed.

Monday the agenda included picking up our marriage license and getting suits for him and my son. I’d called over 6 weeks ago and verified we’d have no problems getting a license. They suggested we just come in 15 minutes before the wedding and pick it up. I thought it’d be a good idea to go ahead and pick it up the day before… Just in case….

Hmpf. They wouldn’t give us a license without the signature page of his divorce papers. When I’d called I’d specifically asked if he would need it and they said he wouldn’t since he’s been divorced more than 5 years.

We called his ex to see if she could fax it to us. We called the courthouse where the divorce was finalized. They couldn’t fax it to us; it had been sent to Victoria for storage since it was over 7 years old. Pam couldn’t find her copy.

ARRRGGGG We decided to call the judge the following morning, Tuesday… The day she was booked to marry us. Since neither of us could sleep we also did research on Florida, South Carolina, and Alabama marriage laws. Alabama would be able to marry us if the Judge couldn’t help.

With a “Plan B” hatched and thought out I was able to sleep… until about 4 or 5 in the morning at least. Then we waited.

The judge said, basically, “I can’t issue a license; if the clerk won’t do it there’s nothing I can do.”

We fumed, we fussed, we cursed under our breath… we called my mother and told her we’d be leaving for Alabama in one hour and if she wasn’t in the car she would be SOL.

ROAD TRIP!

I asked my fiancé if he wanted to change into our finery at mom’s. “And then drive for three hours in those clothes?” he asked.

Me: The alternative is changing in a gas station bathroom

Him: It’ll be ok. It’ll add COLOR!

Me: Welcome to my life

{Insert hysterical laughter by both of us}

Stress, thou are my master.

More to follow:

I went.. and

Jasus.. I'm OLD.

I ending up dancing with a kid, I'm pretty sure I have UNDERWEAR Older than this kid...

He asked what "I" was doing up there. I told him I'd just gotten married a week ago. He asked if it was a man or worman. I told him a Man. He asked if "my man" knew I was at a queer bar.

I told him he did. He asked if "my man" had a problem with it. I told him that "no my husband knows me, my ways, and knows I'm here tonight"

I had a GREAT time.. and then a few moments later I went to the Ladies room. The woman in there said and I QUOTE "You're a bit old to be up there aren't you?"

WOW What a crushing statement. I'm only 30.

Sigh..I'm glad I didn't shave my legs for this... :p