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Letters to Nowhere

Friday, December 10, 2004

Hangover Rating System


One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who
enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge
of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now...

10 Comments:

  • been through all these stages more than once

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:32 PM  

  • Ick.........I have had the toilet hugging night before and the sleeping with a foot on the floor to stop the room from revolving;ick

    By Blogger Squirrels, at 9:06 PM  

  • Mental capacity of a staple gun ....lol ...I love it!

    By Blogger JustSue, at 9:16 PM  

  • The older you get, the more they all feel like 5 stars. *sigh*

    Catt
    http://cativa.blogspot.com

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:33 PM  

  • What's really bad is when you can assign days to each level ... in advance.

    ;)

    -G

    By Blogger Garrison Steelle, at 10:50 PM  

  • Ive never been past the 2 star level.

    By Blogger Amanda, at 11:56 PM  

  • I can honestly say I've never been past the 2 star level.. *knocks on wood*

    and I've been drunk a lot...

    hell theres a couple years of my life I don't remember..LOL

    By Blogger Rae, at 12:52 AM  

  • Ummm.......

    Gallons of Cosmos and Black n' Tans have led me to the land of 6 or more stars.......maybe all of them combined?

    I dunno, it was a bit fuzzy. Tragically on more than one occasion.

    By Blogger Shannon, at 3:49 AM  

  • that was me - last weekend - one of the living dead!

    By Blogger mellowyellow, at 7:54 AM  

  • Ah, the memories of college came rushing back with your rating system. I think I hovered between 3 and 5 stars frequently!
    Great blog!
    check mine out sometime but it isn't as hip as yours :)
    http://tishasharpthewriter.blogspot.com

    By Blogger Tisha from Texas, at 11:10 AM  

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