Jesus has a coach whistle

I've read in books that in years past people would go to funerals for the entertainment value. I never understood that before.

I do now.

I went to a funeral this past week for a family member that I barely knew. I was there more for my mother than anything else. The last two years haven'’t been kind to her. She'’s lost her father, son, brother in law, father in law, and now a brother.

My sister,who I've not seen since the funeral of my brother, was there. She'’s been battling drugs and alcohol and I'’m glad to say has been clean 8 months. (Insert applause)

She and I were on a pew right behind the immediate family, but down on the far end away from our aunts, mother and grandmother.

Beside us was a largish black woman we didn'’t know. A few minutes into the service she leaned over and asked if the deceased was our uncle. We replied yes and sat back to watch the service.

Jessica, my sister leaned over "“Do you know her?"” she whispered to me
Me: No, I don'’t...
Jessica: “She'’s the only black person here. Maybe she'’s just here for appearances, you know so our family doesn'’t look racist
Me: (rolling my eyes) What you think the pastor just called 1-800-rent-a-black?
Jessica: Hey, I'm not racist. I've got a colored TV

I hate to admit it but I was choking back giggles.

I really think it was more stress and the knowledge that the last time I saw a casket my brother was in it that led to our sarcastic banter. That and the fact we'’d not seen each other since he died and she entered rehab.

They started to sing...

Jessica: Do they think they can sing?
Me: It'’s Karaoke Church... helps improve attendance

OK... At this point I saw a well dressed 50-60 year old woman RUN from the middle aisle down to the front... I had a brief moment when I thought she was staff and there was a problem. THEN she turned, and ran between the coffin and the immediately family, at the end of the pew she rounded the corner. She was in stocking feet, with her hands up beside her face in the classic "put your hands up"” pose. She wasn'’t staff.

Jessica: .. UH.. did a woman just run by us? Did I really see a streaker at a funeral?
Me: Yeah, she was book'’n too.
(The service had started and the pastor was talking about how the church could change your life)
Me: Join the church lose 10 pounds! Or maybe she's in trouble with God and has to do laps.

I am respectful, I am understanding of religious differences. I know much of my family "“speak in tongues"” when hit by the power of God. I'’ve come to expect a lot. But, no one in my family ever felt the need to do laps.

(ten minutes or so later) I can hear my sisters stomach growl
Jessica: I'’m starving
Me: Yeah me too, we didn'’t have breakfast

(The pastor has moved on to: God will provide him a new home, he'’s not sick anymore, God has provided him with ...)
Me: I wish God would provide a chicken leg.. One chicken leg and I'’ll convert right here and now!
Jessica: I prefer wings

Jessica: You know we are SOO going to hell.
Me: I'’m driving the train

Bout this time the runner makes her SECOND lap. Now she has another woman running with her.

Jessica looks at me, lips quivering, eyebrows raised.
Me: You know, support group, helps maintain weight loss.
Jessica: I didn'’t know Jesus wore a coach whistle
Me: Now you know why the church is so big. It has to be for 6 laps to be a mile.

I had a vision of heaven and hordes of angels running in circles, Jesus tweeting his whistle and crying out "“Faster.. We have keep the planet turning. They’ve already had to add one day every four years. Run! Run!"

The pastor was saying "I called Andy to see if he wanted to have lunch with me. He couldn'’t make it. But he'’s lunching with the LORD now. I would have liked another Bar-B-Que dinner with Andy but.. "

Me: You KNOW you are in the south when the word Bar-B-Que is IN the funeral service.

The pastor moved on.. "I wish Andy was here, I wish he was in this room"

Jessica: He is here. I can see him. He'’s the one in the box.
Even I cringed.. but at this point I grabbed a handful of tissues to laugh behind. It WAS funny, if a bit over the top.

The Runner and friend made the THRID circuit of the church.

Jessica: I can't join this church. I can't run that far.
Me: Now you know why she's so slim

The pastor is preaching and we are back to "God has provided" "God has given him a new home, new clothes, new shoes.."

Me: I bet they're running shoes
Jessica loses it. I handed her my tissues. She's silently cracking up behind them. I'm trying to keep my composure as the guy in front of us gawks at the runners. I swear he was 1/2 owl. I think his head did a full 180 degree turn to watch.

We somehow made it through the service without being struck by lightening. But! But COME ON! You can't expect a RUNNER at a funeral and me to be able to resist saying SOMETHING. I was expecting a baton to show up any time.

It was.. unique..