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Letters to Nowhere

Friday, February 18, 2005

10 important life lessons

Standing in line in front of me today were 3 teen/early 20's boys. They were glassy, bloodshot eyed, giggling, and most telling of all buying beef jerky, Little Debbie cakes, and the cheapest most generic soda in the world. When the total came up they all pooled their meager funds to buy this dope fiend feast. The cashier and I kept looking at each other and trying not to laugh.

Thinking about this on the way home I thought of some of the crucial lessons I learned when I was that age. Back when I was young, dumb, and full of........alcohol or smoking grass.
  1. Do NOT attempt to wax your own eyebrows after 1/2 bottle of wine. You'll end up looking like Whoopie Goldberg.. if your lucky!
  2. Never decide, on the spur of the moment, to let your friend(s) shave your head when all 6-10 of you have been smoking pot. You end up with a reverse mo-hawk. (This is back when it was cool for women to shave half way up the head and leave the top long. The 4 or 5 of us that were not involved in the haircut almost pissed ourselves laughing)
  3. Unplug and hide the phone at 10 pm to avoid embarrassing calls to ex-lovers at 3 am.
  4. This is not the time to dye your hair. Really.. the Gods laugh, hard, and long.
  5. Do NOT, I repeat, no matter how good it looks.. Do NOT eat the 5 lb block of Velveeta. I don't care if you have the munchies. Even if you're sharing it with your boyfriend! You will not crap for a month. I mean it. Don't say I didn't warn you.
  6. If the car you're in does get pulled over do NOT offer the cop a sip of your coke when he leans in the passenger window and says "What are you drinking there?"
  7. Punch guy in the back seat in the throat before he has a chance to ask the cop to turn off the flashers because "they are really f*ucking with my buzz, man".
  8. Never try to pray to the porcelain gods at a single man's house. Puke outside. Where you won't get hepatitis A.
  9. When you get stung by jellyfish at 2 am on the beach (illegally on the beach, I might add) do NOT allow other high friends to piss on your leg to 'neutralize' the venom. It doesn't help. And they remember that. For years. 10 years later in the grocery store of a town you no longer live in, they will come up and say.. "aren't you Red? Remember when I pissed on your leg?" (laugh laugh laugh) If you disregard this prior warning resist the impulse to bash them in the head with the can of cling peaches you're holding at the time.
  10. Really.. I mean it. No eyebrow waxing. No Velveeta. Period!


  • Ahh the days of Beer bongs and body shots... I call them my "Navy Days" part of me is really glad they are over.

    By Blogger m72ga, at 5:59 AM  

  • I used to tend bar, back in college.

    We helped people break a few of these, I think.

    Upside Down Margaritas are over-rated, btw.

    By Blogger Silly Old Bear, at 8:52 PM  

  • K, the waxing of the eyebrows and the Velveeta...

    Been there, done that.

    Same end result, but with PMS, NOT alcohol and weed. Heh.

    By Blogger some girl, at 12:27 AM  

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