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Letters to Nowhere

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Don’t look in the bag.

I thought about this story as I was telling it to my beau last night and decided it was just too perfectly me not to share.

Quite some time ago I was at the mall with my then bf. I was on my period and so had worn a tampon to be more comfortable walking around. A few hours later I got that... oh hell I gotta change this RIGHT NOW feeling. A panicked look around showed a total absence of restrooms. We were in a department store and thankfully I did spy some changing rooms. Hey, it’ll do in a pinch.

I didn’t have my purse with me but I did have a back up pad in my back pocket of my jeans. I took a bra I had purchased earlier out of its store bag and stashed it into another one we had.

I head purposefully into the changing room with nothing but an empty bag. A few minutes pass while I do what I need to do. After dropping the used tampon in the bag and not seeing any trash cans I just balled it up in my hand and walked out.

That’s when it happened. Cue up the snooty, self important sales person. She was dressed beautifully, but she had that pinched look of a woman wearing either shoes or underwear too tight. Maybe both.

I smile and keep walking... she calls after me "miss, miss... I need to look in that bag!!"

HA.. I stop dead in my tracks. She catches up and repeats her demand. I try to explain by saying "Ma’am you really don’t want to look in the bag. I just……"

Grrr she interrupted! She gives me her self righteous glare and a cold "Yes Ma’am I Do Want to Look in the Bag", carefully enunciating each word like I might be stupid.

Fine, here you are! I hand over the bag with no further worry about her feelings, sensitivities or the chance she might just freak.

She takes the bag... uncrumples it... opens it up... looks inside and … gasps. I can honestly say I watched the blood leave her face... she actually turned just a bit green. I don’t think she’d have been more shocked had she looked inside and seen a severed human head.

(My then bf was watching this whole fiasco from across the way; he is laughing openly by this time. He looks both tickled and horrified by the scene)

She says and I quote "I didn’t want to see that." in a feeble, dead pan sick voice.

I told her I tried to warn her but she interrupted me, so I thought it would just be quicker, and easier to accommodate her. Can I have my bag back now? I asked sweetly, smiling innocently.

I take the bag and head over to him. He says, "You should have told her since she already had it, to please go throw it away" ... Damn I wish I’d thought of that.

9 Comments:

  • that was so fucking funny I made Raistlan stop reading his book just so I could read it too him... LMAO

    By Blogger Rae, at 8:04 PM  

  • eeewwwww

    By Blogger Amanda, at 8:34 PM  

  • Oh my. Do not look in the bag. This should be used in a move. That is too funny. I bet she will think twice about looking in a bag again. I know, she will tell someone else to do it. :)

    By Blogger Squirrels, at 9:09 PM  

  • Fantastic! You probably threw her into an early menopause.
    Great blog

    By Blogger Tisha from Texas, at 11:19 PM  

  • It's too bad tampons are so small...you totally could've hidden a pair of jeans or a new shirt underneath and gotten away with it.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:42 PM  

  • *gag*

    OMG Jen, trust you!

    By Blogger JustSue, at 11:50 PM  

  • You know this is true, since you CAN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP!

    That is priceless!

    She thought she caught you 'red-handed' I bet...

    By Blogger Silly Old Bear, at 11:10 AM  

  • LOL! I bet she thinks twice before ever asking to see a bag again!

    -G

    By Blogger Garrison Steelle, at 12:00 PM  

  • Thats the best Period story I've EVER heard. Very witty of Silly Old Bear to make the 'red handed' comment! LOL

    By Blogger Rebky, at 6:24 PM  

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