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Letters to Nowhere

Sunday, October 24, 2004

It gets worse

My brother.. He was a 24 yr old man/boy. I found his body 36 hours ago. I've had my screaming cry now that the family is gone, and I'm sure it's not the last. John started smoking pot at 13 and just kept working his way up from there. I can't think of a single drug he hasn't tried at some point.

He moved up to Georgia 5 months ago to get away from the crack-fiend crowd he was hanging with in Florida. When he got here he was emaciated and sickly looking, it was terrible to behold. I've watched him slowly come from the shadow of that drug, though he still drank more that I would have liked.

He got to know his nephew, my son age 7, while he was here and getting clean. John and I had many a conversation about he fact he decided he wanted to live. He looked back and could honestly say the drugs weren't worth it. God if only he'd remembered that. God, I'm hurting so bad..

Our grandfather passed away 8 days ago. John's grief was terrible to see.

My sister's boyfriend, unknown to anyone else, gave him two oxycotins the day of the funeral. John took both. We were all appalled to see him stoned out of his gourd at grandpa's funeral. But John's never been one to turn down drugs. Maybe if I'd given him the 'big sister smack down' I wanted to at the time it would have made a difference.. probably not.

I am assuming that is what triggered his downward spiral again. Most of my family drink very heavily and John was no exception. He frequently mixed drugs and alcohol though I always warned him one day it would kill him.

Thursday night he was drinking with some of the family. Four of them put down a half gallon of Wild Turkey Whiskey and over a case of beer that night. One of my immediate family had some morphine pills (not prescribed to them). John was offered them by that family member. The combination of liquor and morphine is probably what killed him. We won't know for sure until the toxicology report from the coroners.

I watched my brother go from a shell of a man with burned out eyes and mind to a man I was learning to respect. He was putting on weight, working, making friends.

But drugs and drinking go hand and hand for much of my family. Myself .. well I've seen both destroy too many lives in the past to do much of either. I'm no saint, I smoked a bushel of pot in my teen years. I never reached the everyday point. I was splurging if I smoked it once a month. John didn't have that will power. If it was around he'd do it.

I'm so fucking angry I could .. hell I don't know what I could do. Not only did one of our siblings give him morphine KNOWING he'd been drinking all night.. when confronted about it they lied and said they got the pills from me. And I know why.. their significant other has done jail time for giving drugs to someone and contributing to that persons death.

I hope you're fucking happy now asshole. You contributed to another death. The death of my brother. Take your oxy and your zanny bars and your morphine and shove them up your ass. There is an official police investigation going on. I'd hate to see my sibling go to jail for this.. but hey shit happens.

They feel guilty for John's death, and yes some of that guilt is theirs. BUT John was a grown man, he could have said no. The other two family members there that night feel guilty. They could have stepped in and taken the pills away. Some of the guilt IS theirs. I feel guilty because I was at work, cheerfully helping customers at blahblah insurance while my brother was dying.

I love you John. I miss you bro. It hurts so bad.

Moon.. thank you. Thank you for listening to me scream, cry, and rant after I learned all of the above. Thank you & Obi both.


  • We are very sorry to hear about your loss, especially when you were beginning to hope again. We hope you come out of this mess a stronger and more compassionate person.

    abhi & nicole

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:57 PM  

  • Your instincts are spot on. Your grief and anger come thru very clearly in this post. But, you also show that you're thinking rationally too... not buying into various headgames that are so easy to buy into after a tragedy like this.

    You're doing good. I know it hurts like hell right now. But, you're doing good... Thinking clearly... I'm proud of you.

    Your son is fortunate to have such a wise mom.

    Kevin @ PK

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:30 PM  

  • Oh God. I'm so sorry. I'm so very, very sorry. I lost my sister a little over a year ago in a car accident. It's different, I know, but the pain is the same. My thoughts are with you.

    By Blogger Tammy, at 10:03 AM  

  • Thanks aren't needed among friends who alway have an ear or shoulder...u would do the same for me....Hugs my friend and u know my number , use it anytime
    I also agree with former post, Your son is a very lucky boy to have u as his mother......he will know that one day looking back as an adult.

    By Blogger moon, at 10:26 AM  

  • I thought about you all night after happening upon your post yesterday. It happened to me 10 yrs ago now - a close friend my ex boy friend -and unfortunatly both my eldest son and my mans son are now heroin addicts and i fear it will repeat. Be strong and know he didnt mean to hurt you. I blamed me for a long time, but its not my fault and its not yours. Always love him and remember the good times, i promice you it will get a little easier with the passing of time. mellowyellow http://blogdrive.com

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:41 PM  

  • Don't feel guilty hun over something you couldn't control hun.

    We love you. As everyone has said James is very lucky to have such a wonderfully caring and wise woman for his mom.

    I'm very proud of the way you are handling everything that is being thrown at you out of the blue.

    By Blogger Rae, at 8:25 PM  

  • Jenn, I know there isn't anything I can possibly say to help ease the pain you are going through. I am so sorry, I wish I could take some of your grief so you wouldn't have to carry it alone. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. In all of this, please remember to take care of you too sweety. James is lucky to have you and you him.

    By Blogger Anna, at 2:37 AM  

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