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Letters to Nowhere

Saturday, October 23, 2004

I want him back

I want my brother back. please god I want him back. Id crawl on my belly thru 6 miles of broken glass to have him here w/ me. to be able to call mom and say it was some terrible terrible mistake and that he's alive. I want him to make fun of me again. I want to tell him he's an idiot .. I want to relive the worst fight we ever had.. just please please I want him back .. oh please tell me it's not true and he's not dead. He's my brother, I changed his diapers god I helped raise him. I want him back. please please even if I never saw or heard from him again I want him to be alive .. to be back.. oh god.. this hurts so fucking bad. i cant sleep, i cant .. everytime I lay down I see his body, lying there on the sofe. I want him back. I want to scream and cuss at him.. hell I want him to hit me, knock me down.. just god please let him be alive. oh johny, john john.. i love you much. I miss you brother.. please ..

Ive got a Rx for valium but I dont want to take them. I cant imagine not hurting.. I want my grief, every last bitter drop I love you John

Damn it John.. I told you to leave the drugs and alcohol alone. Fuck you for not listening to me. You'd be here with us. We'd not be dying inside like this. I hope if nothing else this will be a wakeup call for the family that IS still battling drug/alcohol addiction. John I love you. Jonny.. oh john why? why?

13 Comments:

  • Jenn I know you're numb with pain, but you have to take care of you!!! James needs you, Sweetie. If you need me let me know. I'll call and you can talk or cry, whatever you need. Just remember we all Love you!!

    Tina

    By Blogger Love, at 1:03 AM  

  • Let out the pain, let out the anger, scream, rant, rave...and then when you are done weeping, scream some more. To lose such a young, vital and exhuberant young man (from the photo) at such a young age is a travesty. The numbness you described Jen will subside, later, when all the officials are gone, and extended family gone back home to their own lives. That is when it will hit you full-force, when you will need to talk, when you will need to grieve. When that time comes, be it weeks from now, or a year from now, remember we are here for you.

    By Blogger JustSue, at 8:39 AM  

  • I'm so sorry. i know how you feel i have been there. Time heals a little, i wish i could help you. mellowyellow http://older.blogdrive.com

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:52 AM  

  • i know it hurts. I had two friends wich died of taking drugs. it is really bad, but then u realize that was their decision and they weren't thinking about the others, so try to suffer as less as u can. i know it's easy to say, but it's the only way that i found.
    A catalan reader.

    By Blogger Joan, at 10:12 AM  

  • This is the one time that words fail me because I know anything I say will be things you have already heard (which just piles onto what you know) and sounds hollow.

    I do know this and it's from personal experience. For all that god has put you through, be it right now or in the future, he will never give you more than you can handle. I promise you that.

    Alot of the feelings that you have may be anger (at god for letting this happen to you and yours) and guilt (for feeling mad and for surviving and living in spite of it). Those are two very normal emotions and embrace them with all you have. Once done. Let it go. I know it's easier said than done. Remember I've been there. But you have what I didn't.

    You have a reason to live. To go on.

    James.

    I know you want to be selfish and be where you are, mentally and emotionally. That's okay. No one will ever fault you for that. However the character of a person is how they handle this sort of challenge. Believe me. It's a challange. But it IS okay to go on living. You will feel guilty for doing so, however, remember, how would your brother want you to live your life?

    Remember it's okay to feel all that you are.

    Remember James.

    You've only got one life to live.....Make it count.

    By Blogger Shannon, at 11:47 AM  

  • I am so sorry for your loss, I have lost my nephew, my dad, and now my daughter...I also have been the "strong" one, but I don't know how much more I can take. The only words of advice I can give you are that the pain gets easier to deal with over time. My best to you
    Stephanie

    By Blogger fairygirl701, at 1:11 PM  

  • My heart goes out to you for your loss. I suppose it hits me hard because I used to be like Johnny. Diagnosed as addicted to cocaine and crank back in 88. Been clean ever since... thank God. But, the harsh reality is that I could have died like that too.

    I grieve with you for your loss... knowing that but for the grace of God I could have put my own family thru that kind of grief.

    Kevin

    http://preemptivekarma.com

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:16 PM  

  • My heart goes out to you for your loss. I suppose it hits me hard because I used to be like Johnny. Diagnosed as addicted to cocaine and crank back in 88. Been clean ever since... thank God. But, the harsh reality is that I could have died like that too.

    I grieve with you for your loss... knowing that but for the grace of God I could have put my own family thru that kind of grief.

    Kevin

    http://preemptivekarma.com

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:16 PM  

  • From your post I can feel your pain. I'm so sorry and my thoughts and prayers are with you. It will be hard but you'll make it through.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:19 PM  

  • I know nothing I can say will help, so I'll just say I'm sorry for your loss.

    By Blogger Anne, at 2:43 PM  

  • Many of us in blogger land are total strangers but let me say that just by reading your words I feel your pain. Your words make me want to live a better life, be a better person, do things right. May you find peace...

    By Blogger Mike, at 3:22 PM  

  • I don't know what to say. Except that I am just so, so sorry. And that you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

    - QC
    http://www.quirkychick.org

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:13 PM  

  • it's obvious that you're not a kid, since you say your brother was 24 and you changed his diapers, so i don't know if you've experienced a lot of death, or even death in the family. if you have then nothing i can say will be any big surprise to you, but if you haven't, take this from someone who went to five funerals in less than six months and who's gone to more since and more before that.

    it will always hurt. you'll always miss those people, especially your grandfather and brother, so much it will tear your heart to pieces. and there will be days, years from now, where you'll just be driving along and you'll think of something you want to say to them and cry because they'll never be around to hear it. but those days do become less and farther between. some days, weeks, months, years even, will be harder than others, but you can deal with it. you can look at the good and be thankful for the time you had with them.

    but it will always hurt. i almost lost my little brother last summer. he was dying and the doctors couldn't figure out why. i was lucky enough to have my brother live, but from that memory of almost losing him i know a little of how you feel now, and i'm so sorry for your loss, if the words of a stranger can offer any consolation.

    good luck to you and your family.

    By Blogger dejah of mars, at 6:12 PM  

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