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Letters to Nowhere

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Monkey Turds.. G Forces, and aCat

Though not always in that order; I give you:

My son hates it when I teasingly call our cat his sister. I justify it by asking him "Do I take care of, feed, and give her medicine when she's sick?" He grudgingly says yes.. "So I act like her mom, AND she's been around 4-5 years longer than YOU?" The laughing grunt: Yes... "Am I your mom?" Eye roll and a sigh.. YES, BUT that doesn't make her my sister.

G-forces, Discipline:

It's a private joke, much like when I was getting my hair cut and he was getting restless. I called him over and said (in a normal tone and volume) "Please don't make me kill you in front of all these witnesses." His lips twitched, "Yes ma'am" He sat down and behaved.

The woman cutting my hair about ruptured something trying not to laugh until he was in a seat in the waiting room. She then exposed me, as near as I can tell, to roughly the same G forces as an astronaut heading out of orbit as she spun my chair around so she could face away from my son and finally release her pent up laughter. She said it was rare to find a well behaved child that understood the concept of cause and effect. I pointed out he wasn't dead yet; she noted his unspectacular lack of fear. We then laughed and joked about some of the undisciplined heathens we've seen. But I digress....

I've had my cat for 13-14 years. I've spent a good bit of time lately worried she was/may be having off and on kidney failure. Her breath and saliva (you know cats lick themselves clean right? *shudder*) have been disgustingly rank. Even sitting in my lap the odor of.. well... um... it's a bit like... No it's exactly like unwashed, dirty ASS drifts up in a cloying cloud of funk.

I've figured it out! It's the food. I've bought this type of food for her before because (duh) she's an indoor cat. I never just change food. I always mix the new and old to ease stomach problems. Yeah. I put it all together this last time. Holy Crap! Her breath has been knocking soap scum off the tub for 3 days! I've been using the indoor food for .. HELL.. THREE days.

Is there a connection? I immediately , and I do mean right that second) stopped mixing in the indoor food and just continued the normal Purina senior formula. Holy smokes.. less than 12 hours later I can stand to have her within 3 feet of me!

I swear now that her breath and body doesn't smell like rotting rabid monkey turds I don't mind her being in my lap but she's taking it to extremes. She has responded by attaching herself to my thighs with some odd molecular glue. I can stand all most completely upright and she's still sleeping peacefully. Really NASA should study her.

It defies science and gravity. Now I understand religious folk.. You don't need science! You just have to feel the anti-gravity cat in action in your life... then you just believe.


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