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Letters to Nowhere

Saturday, October 30, 2004

Hugs, kisses, and laughter

I am inexpressibly happy to be home. My son is my world. Almost nothing I do is not weighed against repercussions to my son.

With that said, I did not take him with me to Jacksonville for my brother's funeral services. He had just gone with me the week before to grandpa's funeral, and was still having nightmares and worry about death. Knowing my family, I knew there would probably be a lot of scenes I didn't want him to see.

Telling him that his uncle John had died (just 3 days after burying grandpa) was one of the hardest moments for me. Grandpa I could rationalize. Grandpa was very old, sick, and tired. I agonized over what to say about John's death. Finally, last Saturday I sat him down and said I needed to talk to him.

I was calm, collected, somber, but not crying, or upset when I sat him next to me.

Me: You know uncle John, right?
Son: Yeah, I love uncle Johnny
Me: I know you do. Well, uncle John laid down yesterday and..
Son: I bet he died (in this terrible, colorless voice I've never heard my son use)
Me: Yes, honey, uncle John did pass away yesterday.
Son: I love you momma
Me: I love you, too, forever and ever
Son: Will you have to go to Florida and see him in the case (casket), like grandpa?
Me: Yes, I will have to go back to Florida.
Son: Can I go play now?
Me: Yes, we will talk more later, ok?
Son: Ok.

Ladies and gents, my heart was breaking for my son. I decided not to take him with me to Jacksonville and made arrangements for him to stay with the neighbors. I called every night that I was gone, and usually got to talk to him. They said he was doing ok, but was acting up a bit more than usual.

When I talked to him we'd have our usual 'I love you more' battles.

I got home too late Thursday night to wake him, so after school Friday he came running over. I grabbed him in a BIG hug and that's when he said it.

Son: I was afraid I'd never see you again.

UGH. Hey look you can see the wall behind me, you know, through the whole you just drove through my heart. Of course I didn't say that to him, I reassured him that I wasn't going anywhere else, and that if I did I'd take him with me.

He said "you'll take me everywhere you go, right?"
I joked, well I won't take you to the bathroom with me, but everywhere else but bathroom and work, you can come with me.

I love my son lol.. that's when he quipped.. Well, you take me with you at the big bathrooms (rest areas on the interstate) so I don't get stolen or lost in the boy's bathroom.

We both dissolved into laughter when I asked him how he got so smart. That laughter, with my son in my lap, did more to heal my heart than anything else in the last week.

I'm a mom, and I am glad.

4 Comments:

  • its hard to explain it all to the little ones - be strong http://older.blogdrive.com

    By Blogger mellowyellow, at 12:35 PM  

  • In my opinion there is nothing better than the sound of a child's laugh. No matter how mad or sad or depressed I am, if I hear a child laughing, it snaps me right out of it.

    That is exactly what you need, more of James' laugh, it will heal all that you need it to.

    Remember your focus, it will get easier I promise.

    By Blogger Shannon, at 12:54 PM  

  • Sometimes we agonize over how to tell them about certain things such as death...but a lot of times they already know and just haven't said anything about it.

    That has happened to me with my two on a number of occasions...

    I'm glad you're a mom too ;)

    By Blogger Rae, at 1:14 PM  

  • Life goes on...in your son. Welcome home.

    By Blogger some girl, at 10:13 PM  

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