Jealousy

I've tried all damn day not to write this letter. It's been eating me up, refusing to die a quiet death. Thankfully, I have managed to ignore it and let it run around in the back of my mind until its protests at not being written are a whimper and a few pinprick jabs of guilt instead of the dull roar it was 12 hours ago.

Ah yes, the Green eyed monster with acid tipped claws. I've felt them a few times when some innocent comment you made caught me off guard. Do I have the right to? No, I know that mentally but of course the monster is not one that can be mastered by logic.

I didn't mean to upset you with the commentary that I made last night. It was on my mind and came out before I really thought about the repercussions. Yet another minor flaw I sometimes have. However, I can tell you with total honesty... its not like that with him, it will not be like that with him, ever. Here I was worried I'd give him the wrong impression and it seems I've given it to you instead. My somewhat sordid past is just that, my past. It's not my present.. nor do I see those kinds of choices in my future.

Ok I feel better now. Maybe I can make some progress in the book I've been trying to distract myself with for the last 5 hrs. I think I've managed to read and comprehend all of 7 pages.

Family

Ughh.. where to start. Why does the fact that I'm the oldest and most responsible child my mother had always mean I have to rescue everyone? If something goes wrong all you gotta go is call Renee .. she'll fix everything. Well, damn it I'm tired of having this unofficial job duty. I have a kid, house, job, car etc that I have to worry about and take care of. If you cant answer the questions in your life what makes you think I'd be much better at it. Hell, there are times I can barely afford to put food on the table and keep the lights on. I cant always bail you out. My mother recently had the brilliant idea to have one of my brothers move 3 miles away from me. He is recovering from drug addiction. GREAT! but.. ah yes.. there is always a But.. I'm supposed to more or less babysit. Make sure he's eating, that none of the stuff in the house has been pawned, and that he's still on the wagon. WHY!!! I'll tell ya why.. cuz I'm the "responsible one". Well guess what I'm sick of being responsible. Let me just deal w/ my life. I promise there's enough to keep my busy, Ma.

Let's see... right now I have a cat at the vets. We don't think she'll make it. My son is heartbroken. Do I have time to babysit a grown man? No not really. There's Karate lessons, reading practice (my son has Dyslexia) a house to clean, dinner to cook, clothes to wash, and a try to squeeze in some time just for me. EVERYDAY! My brother may have given up the hard drugs but he sure as hell hasn't given up drinking. Just what I need a 1/2 drunk relative. Not the best way to provide my son w/ good role models. And my son loves my brother. I'm glad he does. It saddens me that I wouldn't trust my brother to take my son fishing. I know bro will be drinking in the boat.

My sister wants to get away from it all.. Can I move in w/ you? NO!!! She drinks, smokes, all that crap too. So please tell me how I can stop being the social worker of the family! I hate telling them no, but my life is just that.. mine, or at least it should be.

Oh well, screw it. Don't pet the sweaty stuff.. wait.. thats not right lol. Don't sweat the petty stuff.. yeah thats it. "This too shall pass".. and "you'll get the chair if you kill them" are my current mantras. Pray for me....

Love

Dear Dad,

I was thinking of you tonight after our phone call. And I started to think about all the crazy and wonderful things you did for me while I was growing up. I just wanted to write you this letter to tell you that I love you and that never have I regretted the fact that you were the one to raise me.

I remember so many small things you did. And now that I have a child I know how much you sacrificed for me. I remember in the court proceeding I was called to talk to the judge. I know I was very young and he asked me a lot of questions about our life together and who I wanted to live with, you or mom. I remember telling him how much you loved me, and that new clothes or shoes did not matter to me. And I hope I can instill that love and pride and respect into James the way you have with me.

I remember pillow fights in the old place before you married Cindy. You teaching me to ride my bike in the apartments near where Madison lived. The time we went to Boone Park in the middle of the night because it was too crowded during the day. The pine straw fights in the Swiss cheese walls at Boone Park. One time we were coming back from somewhere and you were waiting to make a left turn across several lanes of traffic, there was a car coming with his right turn signal on…when I asked why you didn’t go ahead and turn you told me the turn signal might be on by accident and to always wait. Sure enough the guy didn’t turn. You taking me to see the planes land, teaching me to drive, going to the drive in, and always doing your best to never lie to me and to keep every promise you made. All of these things and a hundred more are why I am so utterly grateful that you were the one who was given the responsibility to see me to adulthood.

I strive to live up to the high ideals you set for me as to what a good parent is. I know that James has benefited from all the wonderful things you did for me. These memories and so many more inspire me to keep trying and keep faith that everything will work out. We had bad times too that I know. However what you see as faults keep coming up to me as the very things that developed me into what I am. A woman of strong will. I know what responsibility, respect, honesty and integrity are because of some of our bad times. Would I know these things if we had lived like kings? New clothes and nice houses and cars are great but I doubt they would have taught me to value hard work and dedication.

Sometimes I feel guilty because I know you missed out on a lot of your childhood because of me. Would you take back the choice to raise me to get back those carefree years? I doubt it. And I wouldn’t give up the rough times and poor times we went through. Probably for the same reason you wouldn’t do it differently. They were what made us who we are.

You are the living testament to the statement “Anyone can be a father, it takes a man to be a dad” You were and are a wonderful dad. I love you and know that were anything to happen to me James could be in no better hands.

Now don’t you go poo-pooing all my good cry down memory lane because you think you made terrible mistakes and that I missed out on so much. I mean this, you were great. And you were right, now that I have a child of my own I do understand what kind of parent you were…unselfish, caring, supportive, and patient.

Well, I’m gonna go give my boy some hugs and kisses and thank God for your love and dedication the whole time.

Love,

Infatuation

Good morning L,

Here I sit at work in a rare moment of silence. No doubt this is the calm before the storm.

I've been thinking of you off and on all morning. I'm sure this is somewhat due to the fact you were in my dreams for most of the night. Deceptively simple dreams, us bickering over what movie to see, conversations about going to the grocery for bread, curling up on the couch listening to the radio while we talk about nothing/everything/anything. Sounds fairly boring huh?

Ah well, it is the simple pleasures that are the greatest. I can still feel the flutter in my stomach and the nervousness as I placed my hands on your shoulders and kissed you for the first time. The shaky exhale and blush that followed. My "I've wanted to do that for a long time" admission. I kissed your for the first time a dozen times last night. A soft kiss, slow sensuous, riveting. Hmmm so much more fulfilling at this stage.

Even in the one dream that was about sex, there was never intercourse. We lay forehead to forehead, stroking, caressing, rubbing, inflaming and exciting the senses. The agony of expectation, seeing the desire in the others eyes, feeling the low coil of heat and tension in my stomach. Waiting.. knowing it will be wonderful.

Ok, then... This letter is not exactly turning out the way I thought it would. It's now lunchtime and I sit in the warm sun, smoking and reading over what I've written. God, what a blush I must have. And yes, it was the calm before the storm. I've taken 38 calls in the 2 hours since I started this letter.

We talked about blogging last night and you mentioned you wouldn't be able to put everything out there for all to see. I'd love for you to read this. But I'll never send it. It would serve no purpose. We are adults. We know how things stand, the possibility of us ever fulfilling these simple desires are slim to none.

How I wish it could be different. That the obstacles around us could be made manageable. I'm wistful for a life I cant have. I do actually think we would have a good chance. C'est la vie. Of course you never know how things will work out now a days. But god the conversations we have alone are stimulating, fun, exciting. Even when we talk about nothing I love it. I look forward to talking to you. Your an outlet I've not had for quite some time. I've missed you while you/I where away. I'm glad you have come back. I will take whatever time you have to offer gladly. xoxo