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Letters to Nowhere

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Reading Moon's comment about the wedding changes made me think about why I've agreed to postpone. And that's all it is really, a postponement.

The fact that my family isn't thrilled to pieces really, in the end, doesn't matter to me. I would like the support, or at least well wishes of my family, but I'm not getting married to please them, and my marriage, ultimately, will not include them. They don't have to live with us or support us.

I have long since past the point in my life where what people think of me, or even IF they think of me, matters much in my decision making. Spending time worrying about what people with think, or say only gives them power over you. If you begin to base your reactions to life on the "OH but-what-will-they-think" fretting, you may as well hand them the reins to your life and say "lead me where you will, I'm a slave to whim and your opinion".

So, the reason I agreed to a postponement had very little to do with my family now. It had everything to do with my family after the ceremony. And when I say my family I mean:

He and I, our two kids, that is my family. Period. His daughter can't be here, and she wants to be with us when we get married. That's all that really matters.

Oh sure his mother was upset and his sister was crapp'n kittens, and putting the guilt trip on with a trowel. He's the youngest of his siblings. I'm not sure they've realized it... but he's not 6 anymore. "Mom's so upset she hasn't even told dad yet, you know he's not in the best of health" "Your only doing this because it's what Jennifer and her family want" "Your daughter thinks you will ignore her once you have your "new" family" "I can't believe you'd be this thoughtless" "all women in their 20's want to get married, they live in a fantasy that life will be perfect once their married" “We know what’s best for you” "She has to understand you have family duties.. blah blah blah" -- what about us, we, our, .. lather, rinse and repeat... I'm surprised she didn't drag Santa and the Tooth fairy into it.

As much as some of the things she's said made me see red and seethe, she's only reinforced my previous opinion of her. My beau's daughter said it best: Don't worry about Aunt N; she's never liked anyone dad was interested in. She doesn't want to lose her little slave boy. OUCH... but I don't think his daughter's entirely wrong, either.

Whereas my family's opinion of me has little actual impact on what I do with my life, it’s a little weightier to my beau. There are several reasons for this, I guess: he feels he owes them money, they've helped him through college, and maybe most of it boils down to the fact he's the youngest. He's never been taken seriously by most of his family. And maybe after forty years of it, he's started to wonder if they might be right, a family form of battered wife syndrome, after awhile you start to believe it. ...maybe you should second guess yourself... Ok Ok... maybe that was a tad severe... .. But not by much.

So, how, or why even, do I love him? I don’t expect to, or want to change him. I’m not trying to save him etc. It’s simply because he is a good man; his hearts in the right place. This is not the first time the family dragon has roared out of it's cave and started demanding sacrifice "for your own good, for the good of the family", He's stood up and slayed the dragon before. He'll do it again when needed, I have faith in him.

He asked me, "If we do postpone will you think less of me? Will it change the relationship?"

All I can say is this: I don't know, I doubt it. But, I do know I don't want him to marry me out of spite, just to prove a point. I don't want him to marry me because I used my love and our life as leverage in some perverse tug of war. I refuse to give ultimatums, and I refuse to respond to them; they show a lack of respect, or trust. I'll leave the heavy handed bullying to his sister. She's seems better at it.

All that I'm concerned about is our family: Niki, James, Jennifer and Les. That's it, That's all.

Niki is the reason, at least my reason. She is worth postponing our wedding. If she wants to be there when we marry, she will be. So I wait.


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