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Letters to Nowhere

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Postponed, but not abandoned

Reading Moon's comment about our changes in wedding plans made me think about why I've agreed to postpone. And that's all it is really, a postponement.

The fact that my family isn't thrilled to pieces really, in the end, doesn't matter to me. I would like the support, or at least well wishes of my family, but I'm not getting married to please them, and my marriage, ultimately, will not include them. They don't have to live with us or support us.

I have long since past the point in my life where what people think of me, or even IF they think of me, matters much in my decision making. Spending time worrying about what people with think, or say only gives them power over you. If you begin to base your reactions to life on the "OH but-what-will-they-think" fretting, you may as well hand them the reins to your life and say "lead me where you will, I'm a slave to whim and your opinion".

So, the reason I agreed to a postponement had very little to do with my family now. It had everything to do with my family after the ceremony. And when I say my family I mean:

He and I, our two kids, that is my family. Period. His daughter can't be here, and she wants to be with us when we get married. That's all that really matters.

Oh sure his mother was upset and his sister was crap'n kittens, and putting the guilt trip on with a trowel. As much as some of the things she's said made me see red and seethe, she's only reinforced my previous opinion of her. That it's not as much about me, as it is her.

Whereas my family's opinion of me has little actual impact on what I do with my life, it’s a little weightier to my beau. Maybe most of it boils down to the fact he's the youngest. He's never been taken seriously by most of his family. And maybe after forty years of it, he never will be.

So, how, or why even, do I love him? I don'’t expect to, or want to change him. I’m not trying to save him etc. It'’s simply because he is a good man; his hearts in the right place. This is not the first time the family dragon has roared out of it's cave and started demanding sacrifice "for your own good, for the good of the family", He's stood up and slayed the dragon before. He'll do it again when needed, I have faith in him.

He asked me, "If we do postpone will you think less of me? Will it change the relationship?"

All I can say is this: I don't know, I doubt it. But, I do know I don't want him to marry me out of spite, just to prove a point. I don't want him to marry me because I used my love and our life as leverage in some perverse tug of war. I refuse to give ultimatums, and I refuse to respond to them; they show a lack of respect, or trust. I'll leave the heavy handed bullying to others. They seem better at it.

All that I'm concerned about is our family: Daughter, Son, He and I. That's it, That's all.

His daughter is the reason, at least my reason. She is worth postponing our wedding. If she wants to be there when we marry, she will be. So I wait.


  • Good for you Jenn..I hope he can slay more dragons too down the road, and a posponment for those reasons are valid for sure...u expressed it perfectly. Its about u and your *emmediate family. Hugs my friend

    By Blogger moon, at 8:39 PM  

  • hey all its Pam and to those who dont know me..I'm the ex wife..and yes i read this too..lol..hugs everyone..we are doing good kids are back and school... Kita( mine and Les's 17 yr old daughter) is in her 12th year ..looks like a busy one for all of us..anyways..im sorry to here you postponed your wedding..but for the reason you've done it...I THANK YOU...Kita was happy to hear you were getting married..BUT very disappointed she wasnt going to be able to be there....we've shed a few tears together over this..she loves to joke about the fact she's going to have 2..yes 2 little brothers named JAMES..( I have a son named James as well).. who is like a son to Les in many ways..anyways.. much love to you both..when the time is right it WILL happen and of course ..good things come to those who wait...all our love to both of you and your James ..from Me, Kita and Jamie

    By Anonymous Pamma, at 12:11 PM  

  • "His daughter is the reason, at least my reason. She is worth postponing our wedding. If she wants to be there when we marry, she will be. So I wait."

    Thank you Jen. That was why I was un-excited when you guys told me on the phone the other day. I felt left out, because I want to me there when you guys marry. And I definatly don't have enough money to fly down to Georgia. I am excited about having you and James be part of my family, and thanks again for waiting so I could be included.

    Lots of Love, Nikki.

    By Anonymous Nikita, at 1:07 AM  

  • sister it's jessi and i have so much to say to you but its definitly not the place, but i would be honored to be there when you have your special day and i just want you to know i can sense you and your fiances tangible love for one another and just know that you will and always have my support and love for any and all that you do ... i love you more than you know and regret not staying so close but we both know the reason for our "absent love" and thats life or as i like to call it "Satans asshole!!" lol ... i miss you and james like crazy ... all my love ... jessi

    By Blogger jessi, at 2:43 AM  

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