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Letters to Nowhere

Sunday, October 10, 2004

Hey God, It's me .. The Queer

I saw the most aggravating article on homosexuality tonight online somewhere. Homosexuals are breaking God's laws blah blah blah.. anyway. The suggestion they gave for homosexuals? Just quit. Huh? just.. just quit? Where not talking about smoking or drinking? I mean really.. just quit?

I have a cousin who is gay. And I love him, he's funny, intelligent, and best of all has my same sense of humor. I can just see him after reading that article. We'd be mocking it together.

(miming picking up a phone) Hey St Pete, can I talk to God for a minute? Ok sure, I'll hold.....

Hey God it's me C.. you know the queer one. Yeah well I recently read somewhere that I need to stop being queer. Is there a 12 step program or something? Oh and can you cancel my daily subscription to OMG Look At That Ass and I guess I'll pass on the 50 Hottest Bachelors issue of Time this year, too.

uh huh.. Guns and Ammo magazine?!? What do you mean I've got to get Guns and Ammo home delivered? Oh .. OH yeah.. ok so that will help me stop being gay? Um ok I mean you're God you should know. Really, an all natural herbal supplement? Queer-away? And you say it'll stop my trouser snake cravings in less than 30 days!

Oh and for the record .. God Hates Shrimp Too!

Leviticus 11:9-12 says:
9 These shall ye eat of all that are in the waters: whatsoever hath fins and scales in the waters, in the seas, and in the rivers, them shall ye eat.
10 And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you:
11 They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcases in abomination.
12 Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you.

So for all you lovely church go-ers that are scarfing down on the Red Lobster All You Can Eat Shrimpfest while condemning others... I guess we'll end up in the same place after all. See ya there.


  • Yes, this is absolutely correct.

    In the late 19th century a fellow by the name of Isaac Mayer Wise set up a new "American" rabbinic school in Cincinnati, Ohio.

    At the reception for the first graduating class they ordered an appetizer plate consisting of oysters.

    There were some rabbis who had recently arrived from Poland and they were so offended they started a new branch of Judaism called "conservative".

    The even was called the "Treife Banquet" (triefe means "non-kosher").

    In fact I believe you will discover in many observant Jewish circles that eating shrimp (at least in public) WOULD be a bigger crisis than homosexuality.

    What is a bigger area of hypocricy is that thumpers lose their minds over gays but don't have a problem whatsoever with exploiting people.

    By Blogger Axinar, at 8:36 AM  

  • hypocrites.

    By Blogger Rae, at 11:33 PM  

  • It should be noted that the ''God hates Shrimp'' comment should be clarified. Don't worry if you're a Christian. Ostensibly (note the tongue firmly in the cheek), those are the rules for the twelve tribes of Isreal in the Old Testament. The first Five books of the Old Testament are the Torah, and contain the rules that so severely circumscribe orthodox Judaism. Christians can eat shrimp. However, the point of my paramour's piece is that there are more serious things to worry about then homosexuality.

    Now, being raised as a Christian(self guided, I might add, as my parents didn't attend, but told me to go ahead), I was exposed to these books of the O.T. I found it puzzling, really. It was explained to me that most of those sins were forgiven after Christ died and rose again.

    One last thing. Leviticus has a lot of other interesting rules; I recommend to everyone that you peruse it. You'll be surprised how many of you have broken one or another of those laws. Makes you think. Adulaterers are to be put to death.

    Oh, and if a man lieth with a man, as he would lieth with a woman, he should be put to death. Just the tip of the iceberg, folks.

    By Blogger Student of Life, at 3:45 AM  

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