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Letters to Nowhere

Sunday, October 03, 2004

How to deal with Church groups

After my exciting time working in the yard today I was sitting on the sofa trying to gain some Zen like power over my itching. It wasn't working. I'd changed into a fairly short night gown to keep the cloth from rubbing the welts.

Someone knocks on the door and I curse their mothers for ever meeting their fathers, because now I have to get up. I answer the door.. Jehovah's Witnesses.. GREAT

I've lived here almost 7 yrs and I have only had one visit from the JW.. I was doing good. Until today.. the most inopportune time imaginable.

They smiled.. until they saw my legs. Covered in angry, red sores (see prior post).. smeared over w/ calamine. The tips of a few welts protruded from the lotion like scarlet lochness monsters surfacing from a pink lake. I look like I have chickenpox, measles, or some other yet undefined skin disease. Sexy I know! You want me now.. I know you do .. just admit it..

The smiles slid off their faces, like raw egg running down a cabinet door. They mumbled a few sentences and left me the Awake and the Watchtower pamphlets. (As a side note that is the quickest I've ever gotten rid of JW) If you want to get rid of them quick, all you have to do is look like you have the plague.

I took some more benedryl and went back to dozing on the couch.. 2 hrs later someone's at the door again!

Baptists this time. GRRRR I was not happy. "We're going around spreading the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Have you been washed in the blood of the lamb?" I bit back a smart retort about that being why my legs were supernaturally pink. I spied the pamphlets left by the Jehovah's Witnesses out of the corner of my eye.

I grabbed the pamphlets and said "My family and I are Jehovah's Witnesses. If you'd like to come in we can discuss the doctrine in depth. Oh, have you had the chicken pox?" Then I pushed the JW pamphlets in their hands.

They mumbled something about having an appointment and beat a quick retreat.

Whew.. my job here is done. I've managed to scar two different religious members today.. all before dinner! I bet they will all pass on the door-to-door duty the next time it's their turn. LMAO

The itch had finally died down. The welts have finally faded. I could have company and not look like the incredible contagious woman.

4 Comments:

  • I'm checkin your legs when I come to visit and don't worry, I've had both the measles AND the chicken pox ;) So you won't be able to get rid of me that easily!

    Besides, who's ya buddy? I got Timmy's coffee for ya!! :D

    Oh yeah and btw.....I love the idea of recycling religious literature, you just saved a (burning) bush I'm sure somewhere!

    (are we gonna burn in hell for this?)

    By Blogger Shannon, at 8:16 AM  

  • There is always one good cure for Jehovah's witnesses -- answer the door naked ... they don't come back ... they spread the word [[Grin]]

    By Blogger Axinar, at 7:32 PM  

  • I once got rid of some JW's by answering the door with a baby stuck to my breast...for some reasn they don't like breastfeeding....either that or the sight of my ungodly huge boobs from being engorged did something too them.

    I hope your legs are feeling better...

    namaste

    By Blogger Rae, at 9:53 AM  

  • So much for them spreading the gospel to everyone, that was just way too easy...you mean all I have to do is get attacked by fire ants and they'll go away?

    I bet the neighbors enjoyed your little mishap....darn I missed the free show. ;)

    Feel better sweety

    By Blogger Anna, at 10:39 AM  

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