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Letters to Nowhere

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

My excuses? No, my responsibilities

I was in chat with a group of people I know well tonight. Another person joined us, a man I don't know. He made idle conversation about Georgia and I was playing along. We really are a friendly bunch, all things considered.

I made the joking comment about having lived in the Arm Pit of America (Georgia) for 10 yrs. He said "well if you're not happy move". To which I replied, It's not that easy. I have a kid, a job, friends blah blah blah"

His answer "whatever, those are just excuses." A friend of mine (one who has defended me on this blogg while I was away.. I'm going to have to start calling her She-Ra) jumped in "wow I didn't know it was criticize Red night!" You can say alot of things about the ladies I talk w/ online. We give each other hell.. but if a stranger starts in we circle the wagons. We will defend our own. I love you, ladies!

But, I digress.. no shock to those regular readers of mine.. There IS somewhere I'd like to be right now. And I thought about telling this guy "You know you're right! I'm going in tomorrow and quit my job (losing several thousand dollars worth of company contribution into my 401K that will be mine in 6 months), sell my belongings, yank my kid out of school, and drag him wherever the wind blows us. We'll be in rags, living in a car, and eating out of dumpsters, but damn it I WILL have moved, and by your definition, be happy."

Could I do that, sure. Would I do that? Hell, no. All other things aside, I have a son. A small being who is in this world because of me. I am responsible for his comfort, safety, and upbringing. That responsibility is both a joy and a burden. That burden, however, I assume with utmost reverence.

My beau asked me recently, how I define myself. My family for the last 3 generations have all lived in Florida or Georgia. He wanted to know if it would pain me to leave such personal history behind me. It won't. I don't define who I am by my past, it is by my future. It is by my son.

Almost no decision I've reached since his birth has not been weighed against the possible repercussions of/in his life. I've made decisions that were bitterly against what I would have wanted or done had I not been my son's cornerstone. Though they occasionally galled me, I did what was best for him. And will continue to do so. I'll not rush into the moment, give way to my own desires and wishes at the cost of my son. That price is too high.

So, I wait. I live where I don't want to be. I love from afar. Because in the end, my 401K, my housing arrangements, his schooling, our friends, all affect him and his life as much as my own. Thank God my beau understands.. even commends me for it.


  • I feel sorry for the guy, having been on the receiving end of your friends' comradarie in your absence :)

    More seriously, what I can read from your post is that Georgia is not really as bad a place as you make it out to be.. it is fulfilling some of your top priorities... security and future of your kid. So I see it as a place which does give the most of what you need even if not all you want.

    I firmly believe complaining makes the world better :) so I think you should still continue to whine about being in Georgia (hey, I would.. have seen Atlanta once! and only once!).

    However, grass is always greener on the other side. I left San Diego for Seattle, and now I would love to go back and live in San Diego.

    Actually, that was a small change.. consider this: I left India to come to USA.. now I feel India is a fun place to be instead. But I blame that squarely on Bush. < Sorry for the shameless political whine ;)>

    By Blogger Peeyush, at 2:49 AM  

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