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Letters to Nowhere

Saturday, August 21, 2004

Perfect Pork chop

Thursday I started thinking it would be nice to have a pork chop for dinner on Friday. I pulled one out of the freezer and set it out to thaw.

When I got to work Friday I realized I didn't have my ATM card, or checkbook with me. A peek in the wallet revealed $ 0.35, a band-aide and a bottle cap redeemable for a free coke yippee! Clearly buying lunch was out of the question. So, I spent most of the day lusting for my pork chop, mmm pork chop (in my best homer simpson voice).

I was all but drooling as I cooked it. And, ladies and gents... I made a GREAT pork chop. It was beautiful. It looked like the pork (the one you love) you see on TV ads and billboards. It was sublime looking piece of pig. I'm sure non-pork eating people worldwide felt an involuntary twinge as I lifted it from the pan and put it ever so gently onto my plate.

This pork chop looked so damn good that I decided it would be a one man show. No side dishes needed tonight! I carried it to the table.. grabbed my knife and fork.. reverently stuck my fork into it and lowered the knife. There was an involuntary increase in salivation, my lips puckered slightly.. As I took the first pass of the knife disaster struck.

Clearly, I had not pushed the plate all the way onto the table. It flipped like a tiddly-wink and I was staring with dumb horror as my perfect pork chop first landed into my lap and then cascaded to the floor.

There was about 10 seconds where I was frozen with incredulous disbelief. Then the cursing began! I went on a tirade for a good 30 seconds, combining various offensive words in ways that would have made Obi proud. I should have written it down, really. In retrospect, it was probably my finest (?) hour in cursing.

So, I pick up the pork chop to find.... cat hair.. lots of cat hair... my cat has taken to sleeping under the table. GRRR My day of pork lust was ruined!

After a brief debate... I took it to the sink.. gave it a thorough scrubbing and ate the damn thing anyway! And you know what... It was still pretty damn good!


  • A little beyond the 10 second rule but it's all fun and games ...until you cough up a furball.

    By Blogger JustSue, at 10:52 PM  

  • I can already imagine you chatting away in voice, only to have to stop midway through a sentence,and making the noise cats to do when they hack up a hairball.

    By Blogger Amanda, at 11:20 PM  

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