Letters to Nowhere

Continuing an uneasy year

2008-08-03T10:35:00.002-04:00

We were forced to arrange an emergency flight from Yellowknife for Jennifer, unfortunately, as we received the sorrowful news that her grandmother had passed away. It has been a challenging year for us so far, and this was just another blow. I jokingly have commented to Jennifer that we seem to stumble from crisis to crisis like a drunken sailor, but that doesn't seem so funny any more. AS of this posting, August 3, in the morning, she is on the way to Atlanta. Then she'll be driving to Jacksonville FL to lend support to her grieving father, and to grieve herself. She asked me to post this note so that folks will know what is happening.

My wife is enormously resilient, but this will be a real challenge for her. I hope that anyone that has read this blog in the past will send their thoughts out to her during this time. We hope to post more later, and regularly. We'll keep you updated.

So, now that I've started...

2008-05-22T04:19:00.006-04:00

I wrote a few months ago about how busy we had been. For a while there we had not updated our blog for quite a while, and we claimed to being so occupied with our lives. It has been a strange time for us.

As we told you before, we had to make a whirlwind trip to Southern British Columbia to have my wife and son officially "enter" the country, and that we had time to visit my family there at that time. We celebrated an early Christmas with them, then went back to Yellowknife. I said it was timely; it certainly was.

I knew that my father had cancer, but we didn't find out until that December trip just how extensive it was. It turned out that it had spread beyond the area where it was first found, and had settled in other areas of his body, including a tumour in his brain. It was a difficult trip, because when we were there, Dad had to be rushed to the hospital, due to over-medication. For a son, especially a youngest son, it's difficult to take the opposite role from the one you are used to. My father has always been larger than life for me; sort of indomitable. But supporting my father as he sat semiconcious in a chair was awful. He was very weak, and hard as it obviously was for my father and family to see him that way, it was especially hard on me, I think. The huge hands that he used to tie a fly, or chop wood, or manhandle a rototiller were still there, but I was holding them, comforting him, trying to keep him awake enough to be able to get him on a stretcher. Fortunately, they were able to get his meds straightened out, and we were able to enjoy a visit, and an early Christmas. The last one with him, as it turned out. The rest of my family were able to enjoy one last Christmas with him too.

My father passed away on January 23, 2008.

Another whirlwind trip for me down to Southern BC, just long enough to help put together a memorial service, and a power point presentation for my father. It was awful, but it was also very nice. It was gratifying to see how many people your parents touch over the years. The small hall in the town were I grew up was jampacked with friends and family.

The time after has been strange. I have yet to weep, unlike my family, who do so daily. Perhaps this will come once we place his remains. It's a wonderful place not far from the first house we grew up in. Most of his ashes will go there, some at Cathedral Lakes Park, which he loved. The view from the graveyard features a scene not unlike the one below.

I miss my father, and think of him every day. A fine man, and though I never told him, a good father.

Duck Bills and Crochet Hooks

2008-05-10T17:55:00.002-04:00

My husband and I have been talking about him having a vasectomy for some time. We had an appointment earlier this year but had to postpone.

So.. A few weeks ago he went in for his second pre-op. This was a different doctor than the first because (get this) the first doctor was on a 6 month OPERA School sabbatical. OK is it just me or does this sound like the punch line to a joke? A man who operates on testicles studying Opera?!?

Anyway. He met with a female doctor and scheduled the surgery. There would be one small incision and then they'd root around with a crochet hook type thing to reach in and hook out what they needed to work on.

As it happens his surgery was the same day I had booked my Gyno exam. The night before, I got a case of the giggles. I'd just realized we were going to be in the same building, at the same time, each of us having a member of the opposite sex looking at our works. His doctor was female, mine male. NOT ONLY THAT, but we'd both be in stirrups at the same time too.

*Snicker*

Oddly.. He was done before I was. That was almost 2 weeks ago and everything has healed up. Now he's just having to deal with the hair regrowing *snicker*

So that's the story of my duckbill and his crochet hook.

Self Absorbed

2008-05-06T14:34:00.002-04:00

My son is 11. The world still revolves around him in his view. This was perfectly expressed when he told me about a song he just couldn't stop listening to.

"It's like the song is addicted to me." *snicker not quite kid*

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In other news my mom sent a care package up that had instant grits among other things. I brought in a few packs to work. No one here's ever had them, seen them, or really even knew what they were.

So when I came in with the packages they all crowded around to look at them.

I made a few bowls and we all sampled them. The overall decision "good, but different".

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It still seems strange to see snow in May. It's 90% melted off, but still! It's MAY!

But that's life in the far north. So goes.

Lofty Dreams

2008-04-21T14:19:00.003-04:00

This past weekend we bought my son a loft bed. He didn't know about it. We sent him off to the movies and when he returned his old double bed was gone and his room seemed to have doubled in size.

This bed is only a twin, but hey he's 11. I slept in a twin daybed until I moved out. Almost everyone I know had a twin. In fact, I think a twin bed is one obsticules you have to overcome on your way to being an adult. The day when the knowledge you can have sex isn't enough to make you want to do in a twin bed could well be one of the signs of adulthood.

Either way... We got it assembled and put his toybox and book shelf underneath with a beanbag chair. Now he has even more floor to throw his clothes on... Sigh

My son's words, "It's cool and kinda scary." So there you have it.

So Where to Start?

2008-04-01T14:28:00.003-04:00

Well let's see... I found a job within 72 hours of looking. I work in a small insurance brokerage as an insurance rep. AGAIN.

That's where I'm blogging from so I don't have time to make a massive entry. However, this job, I'm really enjoying. It's small enough that we are all decent friends and get along well. It's such a big difference from working at a large very corporate office.

Our customers bring us treats. Lots of treats, chocolate, cheesecake, candies, muffins, I love this job lol.

The good news is I've not gained any additional work. While my car was broken down I was walking to work and it offset the treats. Once it warms up to zero I'll start walking again. It's only a few blocks.

Well, it's time for me to be off. There will be more later.

A busy few months

2008-03-16T05:48:00.002-04:00

First, we must apologize for the length of time it's taken for us to update the blog. We've had a busy few months, and little motivation to do any writing, to be frank. Since the originator of this blog is the real writer in the family (I can only brag about a fine vocabulary), I can only give a somewhat bald account of what's gone on this past little while.

Where to start?....Well, during December, my wife and son received their permanent resident cards in the mail, making them all nice and legal to live in Canada. This precipitated abject panic, because they had to...wait for it....cross the border to ''enter'' the country officially. Now, most of the population of this country is within a couple hundred miles of the Canada-US border. Uh-uh, not us......we had to take two days of fatiguing, rip-snorting driving to make it to the nearest border. Yellowknife NT to Osoyoos BC. All this to drive across, do a U-turn, and re-enter the country. After spending a few minutes talking to members of the Canadian Border Services Agency, we were on our way.

Just in case someone wants to point the out, no, Yellowknife is NOT closer to Alaska! The trip is longer, as the only way you can get there is to go DOWN to Dawson Creek BC, then back up the Alaska Highway. The Yukon is a fine place, but it wasn't the trip we wanted to take at that time of year. Besides, this allowed us to visit family in Southern BC, and enjoy an early Christmas. The visit was timely, as it turned out. More on that later.

Renee will be able to colour in the trip in a later blog, I expect. It WAS colourful (No animals died during filming, although it was a near thing).

I was very tempted to put the bald facts in this one blog, but that didn't seem quite right. Hopefully, we will find more time to tell all of you who read this just what adventures we've had, and the good and bad things that have happened. Thanks for your patience.

Merry Christmas

2007-12-26T22:38:00.000-05:00

to all and a Happy New Year.

Well Christmas here went well. James woke up at 3 friken AM and we started opening presents.

It was a good Christmas for us all. Les' family had given us our gifts when we were down there earlier this month. Between their gifts and the things we and Santa got for James it was a very merry morning.

Now.. I need to go finish cleaning up from the carnage.

Hugs to all

Great News

2007-11-23T20:33:00.000-05:00

Well, I am now officially a resident of Canada. Yay!

We got our Passports back with the Canadian Resident Page added.

The only catch is I have to drive 3 days down to the Canadian border to "check in". We called to verify we had to actually go to the border, and yes even though I am already in Canada you still have to check in at a land border.

The really annoying part of that is we have to do this before December 6th. My temporary visa expires then. So we will be leaving next week to head south.

Still, It's official!

Oh, and to those of you in the States.. Happy Thanksgiving.

November News

2007-11-07T23:10:00.001-05:00

Ok Ok so maybe once a month is a bit sparse on the blog front, but hey it's been hectic.

Well, we spent an anxious week thinking I might be pregnant, but we found out on our Anniversary that I wasn't. So, it was a bit of a subdued dinner and movie at home night.
Emotions were a bit torn about it. We were 90% relieved, however there was some disappointment as well. Neither of us had planned on having more children.

Soo.. what else. Oh yeah, I got to experience a true Northern Canada "thing". While we were all three going out to go sledding (yep we've gotten enough snow ALREADY to take James, our 10 yr old, sledding) I had the snot in my nose freeze. You've never lived till you've cemented your nostrils closed with your own frozen mucus. It was -15 C (or 5 degrees F). Just in case you didn't figure it out yet... That's FRICKEN cold!!!!! Still, fun and merriment was had by all.

In the best news of the month.. I've mailed off my passport. Our immigration officer deemed us eligible to be a Permanent Resident of Canada! Yeah! So, no I'm just waiting on my passport to be returned with the official "Resident of Canada" page added.

WOOO HOOO!!

The Round-up

2007-10-19T09:35:00.001-04:00

Well, as usual it's been awhile since I've blogged.

Thanksgiving went very well here. We had 3 men from my husband's job, 2 ladies from the building and the 16 year old daughter of one of the ladies.

The food was good, the company worked out well for it to be such a mix of ages and backgrounds.

All in all very successful. My pecan pies didn't turn out as well as I'd have liked. The gravy was salty, but that's really all that went wrong. You can't ask for much better when cooking for 10.

Of course there were plenty of left overs.

-------------------------
In other news. Les and my first anniversary is October 24. And in true exhausted parent fashion we are going to have a quiet dinner at home.

One of the ladies downstairs is going to keep James for a few hours so we can have a bit of piece (er... I swear I meant PEACE) and time to ourselves.

-------------------------------
In other and better news...

I've been asked to submit my passports to the Canadian government. This is a GOOD thing. They have to have the passports to add in the "Permanent Resident" page.

Woo hoo.. sounds like we may be at the end of this long and stressful path.

-----------
In really "not so happy news".

We've been having alot of behavioral problems with my son. It's been in the last month.. and it's led both me and my husband wishing we could cry ourselves to sleep on more than one occasion.

That's the real reason I've not blogged much. Sorry everyone..

I still love ya all!

Thanksgiving

2007-10-04T02:51:00.000-04:00

Sunday is Thanksgiving in Canada. It seems odd to have it before Halloween, but oh well.

We've invited a few people over for a southern style Thanksgiving dinner. We'll be eating around 2 on Sunday.

The Menu:

Drinks:
Sweet Tea
Wine
Coke
Milk
Spiced Cider

Snacks:
Pickles & Olives
Cheese and Crackers
Candy Turkeys
Deviled Eggs
Nuts

Dinner:
Brined, Roasted Turkey
Gravy
Cornbread Stuffing & baked dressing
Peas
Corn
Mashed Potato
Sweet Potatoes and Marshmallows
Cranberry Sauce

Desert:
Apple Pie
Pecan Pie
Homemade Cinnamon Rolls (maybe)

----------

Lots of work, but it should be fun.

So.. Happy Thanksgiving

Moose skin and snow

2007-09-29T19:18:00.000-04:00

Thursday James went on a field trip to visit a local First Nations People (Native Canadians). He took in sliced carrots to contribute to a stew they would be making for that community and the kids on this field trip.

When I picked him up from school and asked what he did, he replied "I don't know"

Grrr.. I reminded him, "How could you not know? You were there!"

Then he suddenly remembers something. "Oh yeah, my favorite part! I got to help skin a moose" (HUH?) He went on to tell me how hard it is. You have to pull the fur away from the meat while slicing and sawing through the fat and stuff.

Bleah! But hey, how many kids can say they skinned a moose while on a school field trip?

The next day Friday Sept 28, we went to buy him some long johns. On the way out of the store I stopped and gaped. It was snowing. Not just spitting down, but really snowing.

James has been having a blast playing in it. In some places it's more than a foot deep.

Les had a good laugh at my expense when I couldn't figure out why all the stores were selling what looked like small push brooms. Duh, they are snow brooms to clear off your car. Pfft, Like I would know that having lived in Florida or Georgia my whole life.

----
In other news we had two ladies come and visit us last night. They came not just to be neighborly, but specifically to hear James talk. One of them has family in Georgia and I guess it was a taste of home. We all three had a nice time talking with the two of them.

So, all in all, we're doing alright.

The Week of Inconvient Trials

2007-09-24T01:59:00.000-04:00

So..

This past week has been peppered with unusual annoyances.

On Thursday, James, my 10 yr old son, showed me a small scaly circle on his leg.

Yep, Ringworm.

On Friday I found a fang on the side table in the living room. After a quick cat rodeo in the bedroom, we all three working together, managed to corner the cat so I could examine her. She lost her lower right fang. She'd lost the upper one quite some time ago.

James wanted the fang to put under his pillow. I quickly vetoed that.

Then... And Then.. Sunday

James had his first big, white, pimple. On his chin. My baby is growing up.

But wait... an hour after he'd been tucked into bed he came into the living room to announce that he found a worm in his butt.

Pin worms.... sigh.

What next?

All Settled In

2007-09-14T22:19:00.000-04:00

Well, we've settled in well. James is back in school (Thank goodness).

The school system is a bit different here. James is in a multi grade class. He's in Grade 4/5. The only time the classes are broken up is for math.

Oh yeah and James has French class. French with a deep southern accent, the teacher may never recover. lol

On another note: I've become something of a fair housewife. I'm making bread, dinner rolls, and Cinnamon rolls from SCRATCH. I own, not one, not two but THREE different kinds of FLOUR. sigh ;)

Sticky bun anyone?

Etiquette for Burgulars

2007-08-22T17:04:00.000-04:00

While my husband and I were laying in bed this morning we heard noise coming from the hallway.

One glance at the clock showed it was 8:30. My son doesn't get up before noon. So, I casually mentioned to Les that either James was up or we were being robbed.

He looks at the clock and says, "I'll wait till he's done peeing before I clobber him with the golf club." Yes, of course, what was I thinking *smile*.

A few seconds later the bathroom noises stop and we hear, Clang, Crash, Crumple as my son staggered back down the hall, banging off the metal closet doors on each side like a billiard ball only to end up... on the couch asleep.

tomorrow, we go to the school to get him registered.

Life In the NorthWest Territories.

2007-08-21T00:00:00.001-04:00

Only here could this paragraph be totally OK .. not only that but.. be perfectly normal.

"Wake up honey.. It's 10 pm. James is in the shower. Your dinner's in the 'fridge. There are two lovely oak bar stools in the laundry. My curlers are in the sink.

Oh.. and the steamer is now an autoclave..."

My husband works nights. However, instead of sleeping this morning we all went fishing. (James and Les both caught fish. I was the official photographer)

We did laundry today. Our laundry room is where people in the building drop off stuff they no longer need or want. I saw two great bar stools. And a box of hair-dresser quality curlers (which I bleached) and a box of metal hair clips they use to hold curlers in place, separate hair or dying etc.. (that's the autoclave part)

It's 2nd hand heaven here.

We Saw The Light(s)

2007-08-15T01:12:00.000-04:00

Tonight, for the first time, I and my son saw the "Northern Lights".

They were (according to Les, my husband) faint. But wow... They were so fricken cool we called James, my son, out of his bed to look at it.

We slapped a pair of jeans over my son's PJs and put a jacket on him and ran outside to.. well... GAWK at the faint, but growing stronger shifting, dancing bands of green-ish light that drifted across the sky.

James stared up at it for almost 20 minutes. I leaned against Les' car and rubber-necked at the sky. There is no other way to put it.

Wow! AND.. It'll only get better.

Now it's not only cool cuz we have bear shaped license plates, but we have the Aurora Borealis.

Neener-Neener

Make my fantasies come true!

2007-08-14T05:29:00.000-04:00

I live in a house with a man and a boy.

All it would take to shock a big O outta me would be finding the toilet seat DOWN.

Sigh...

Times Fun when you're having flies

2007-08-11T00:09:00.000-04:00

Or some such.

So how's the Great White North? Yellowknife is pretty nice. I'm going stir crazy without a job. Happy home maker of the year is not my style.

All things considered we are doing really well. James is making friends and having fun. He's only done serious bleeding once. Whoo Hoo. Considering how accident prone he is that's a miracle.

The first 3 weeks or so here were hard because it never really got dark. Now there is some night and I'm sleeping alot better. However the last week has been COLD.

To put this into perspective in Macon, Georgia where I lived until 2 months ago the temperatures today were Low: 74 High 105

Here in Yellowknife it was HIGH: 55 Low: 48. Damn that's November or December weather in Georgia. Even the cat is freaking out. She comes out on the balcony and POOF she's fluffed up like a pom-pom trying to stay warm.

However the bugs and mosquitoes are worse here than they were in Georgia. Hard to believe but very true. Hopefully they wont live much longer.

So all in all. Things are well. Even if they feel a little odd, and that will get better once James is in school and I can look for work.

Yes, I've been criminally lax about blogging. I'll do better, I promise!

-
Anna we did the camera, thank you. I'll try to give you and moon a call this weekend.

(hugs)

Endless daylight

2007-07-25T21:27:00.000-04:00

Well, my new family has spent a few weeks here in Yellowknife, and the adjustment is going pretty well. The only downside for them, thus far, is the decided lack of what Southern Canada calls 'night'. Both James and Jennifer are having some trouble with this. Just so you get an idea, the sun generally doesn't set until after 11pm for about two months in Yellowknife, and the sky does not really darken much. Currently, we have a twilight of sorts, but for several weeks, you can go outside and read by the light that is still present. They find it rather eerie that the sun sets in the northwest, which is the way our balcony faces. Then, the sunset doesn't fade; it just moves around to the north, then northeast, and rises at three or so in the morning. Right now, it's up at perhaps five. Check www.weatheroffice.ec.gc.ca and click on Yellowknife to see the latest sunrise/sunsets.

In any event, Jennifer has had some sleepless nights, to be with me during my days off. I work a night shift and am pretty used to the days up here. Even in Southern BC, where I'm from, the days are very long at this time of year, so it was less of an adjustment. Her other sleepless nights are caused by the fact that just ain't any night that happens! For them at least. James, at ten years old, can't yet wrap his head around the fact that it is nearly midnight, and he REALLY should be in bed. Especially when there's still light to play outside. It's a struggle.

The other adjustments are such things as not having the same sort of groceries available here, and the exorbitant prices of certain items. Jennifer gleefully is sharing this information with her relatives in Georgia. I am always quick to point out, no, this is not a Canada thing, it's a NORTHERN thing, Jennifer. We do have different types of foodstuffs here, and sometimes we can't keep the things we take for granted down in the south. We only just were able to pick up leaf lettuce at the store the other day. You have to hit the store early to snatch that up. She was quite gleeful when she reported that she'd gotten some. It sometimes can be like the Soviet Union during the time of Communism. No lineups, mind you. Just having to be there at the right time. Perhaps lined up behind the truck!

Anyways, that just a few of the things they're adjusting to. I can't wait for the first snowfall; they'll be excited. That will be in....September?

Ok I'll post

2007-07-13T23:50:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm in my new home in Yellowknife Northwest Territories Canada.

We drove the whole way from Georgia. That went better than could have been hoped for.

First we stopped in Chicago to spend 2 days with friends we'd never had a chance to meet. You can read more about Chicago on Moon's blog I'm only going to add a few things.

My son, as usual, managed to add some drama to our time in Chicago. On our last night there all the adults were sitting outside on the steps talking when Moon's husband came to the door, called me and said, "I think you need to come in here."

Then I heard James, my 10 year old son, crying. I hurried into the house to see what was going on and found him with a puffy lip and a LARGE black speck stuck to it. It was about the size of a match head and was hanging on to his lip. For a moment I thought it was a tick.

I asked James to take a few deep breaths and tell me what had happened.

His reply, "An ant crawled up and bit me on my lip."

Huh?!? I know I'll lose super mommy points for admitting this, but the first thought I had was "I gotta get a picture of this!" I passed on the camera and went to James' aid though.

When the ant bit him he had reflexively yanked back on it and pulled the body off, but the ant head and jaws were still firmly attached to his lip. Anna, our host, was running around getting tweezers and antiseptic. James was calm, but crying as I explained I would have to grab the head and yank it off.

A few seconds later, I firmly pinched the head and with a surprisingly hard tug managed to remove it from his lip. There was a fairly large hole where the mandibles had been attached.

I told Les, my husband, later that night that I thought James had probably tried to kiss the ant, maybe on a dare. Les was astonished. "He wouldn't do that would he?"

My eye rolling response wasn't lost on him. The next day as we drove out of Chicago I questioned James about his "it crawled up and bit me" story. He admitted he'd been trying to kiss the ant.

Only my son... sigh

Arrived at last.

2007-07-03T03:05:00.000-04:00

Hi everyone. Yes, we finally made it up to Yellowknife, Northwest Territories. We will have a more complete description of the arduous journey we took through eight states, two provinces and onto the NWT, but we just got in July 2nd, late in the evening. We're sort of beat. I was instructed by the better half (and the more literate of the two of us; I can spell better than her, at least) to let those who read these missives that we are well, and in good spirits. More later.

Airport

2007-06-18T09:09:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm at the airport waiting for my husband. Like a goober I walked out of the house without his flight information. Sigh.. so I can't even check and see if it's running on time.

If all goes well I should be seeing him in about an hour. YAY!

Four More Days

2007-06-14T08:51:00.000-04:00

Well I've gotten our things together. Now I'm just waiting to leave.

As a distraction my son and I have been watching the Planet Earth series. We were watching the segment about caves when they focused on cave glow worms.

They live on the celings and dangle a thread made of sticky mucus to catch bugs.

My son is something else. He always manages to say something boggling. He turns to me and says.. "I never thought I'd say this, but that is really beautiful snot."

Almost time

2007-06-10T00:16:00.000-04:00

On June 4th my son, father, stepfather, and brother-in-law went deep sea fishing. While the men where fishing and getting rained on we, the spouses (and me the mom)went shopping. While us landlubbers were wandering through junk shops and antique stores, my son was having the best day of his life.

My 10 year old son hooked the largest shark the captain had ever seen. Close to 8 feet long and approx 150 lbs! My father helped him wrestle it to the boat where after a hard hour long fight to reel it in, they cut it loose.

While dad and James were fighting with their shark, my step father and brother-in-law had hooked and were working on smaller sharks.

It was a good day for all.
-----------------------
However, we now only have 8 days left here in Georgia before we move to Canada. My son and I have been staying at my mother’s house for the last 3 weeks while mom and Rick have been gone.

My mother and her husband took some vacation time for the fishing trip and have been in town and staying here at the house with us since then. Tonight shortly after midnight, they had to return to work. They drive a semi truck (tracter trailer) across county/OTR and will not be back home for 4 to 6 weeks.

Sooo.. I, tonight, hugged them for what was very likely the last time for a very long time.

Man! This house seems very large and very empty without them and their two dogs. However, my son will be back from vacation bible school tomorrow so I wont be alone at least. AND even more importantly, I will be seeing my husband a week from Monday.

AND THEN... And Then.. I'll see Anna and Moon the day after Then on to Canada for my step-daughters graduation. ** Kita, I'm so proud of you and cant wait to see you again! Hugs

Woo Hoo.. 3 long years in the making.

Kitty Cargo

2007-05-27T18:56:00.000-04:00

In less than a month I will traveling at least 4000 miles with a cat, a kid, a lizard and my husband. In a Car. While I'm PMSing.

I searched for a new Cat Carrier since the one I have now is one of the small hard plastic low ventilation kind you use to take your kitty to the vet.

I looked at several models. This one has plenty of ventilation, and was easy to carry, but I'm pretty sure my cat wouldn't love me anymore So I passed. :0

The next one was very affordable, easy to carry, but almost no ventilation. It did have that "Southern Flair" but I'm not quite that southern.

Finally I decided on this one. It has plenty of ventilation, can be seat belted in for safety, and still able to be carried like a purse or bag. It is designed for animals up to 16 pounds, so my 7 pound cat will have plenty of room. It's made by rubbermaid so it's washable and has a removable soft bed liner. Good deal huh?

Since the trip will be long and there is a possibility my kitty might get lost (or thrown out of the car KIDDING) I also bought a new ID tag for my cat. On one side it has contact numbers in case she is found in Canada, the other side has US contact numbers.

The Nectar of the dogs

2007-05-26T05:30:00.000-04:00

No, that's not a typo. My life is suddenly full of small ironies that add up to a big pain in the butt.

An aside before we get started. If you do a google search for mennonite skirt length I'm #5. What's up with that?!

Anyway.. On with the show.

Ok we know my car broke down. It's still not fixed. Next:

My Gyno went out of business so I have to go the (shudder) Health Department to get a refill on my birth control.. bleah. And then:

After living in Georgia for over 10 years, I got a letter informing me I have been selected for jury duty... On the 30th. Chris was laughing. I don't think he knew his life was in danger. This "civic duty" comes just 4 days before an expensive and prepaid non-refundable deep sea fishing trip I booked for my son and 5 male family members, who I might add ALL had to take a day off work. Did I mention my car still isn't repaired? Did I also mention the site of this fishing trip is almost 3.5 hours away? Still More Coming:

My husband who lives next door to Santa in the deep north of Canada has been told he will need some specialized training. In July... A few scant weeks after my son and I drive 5000 miles to be with him... Did I also mention the training will be in.. wait for it... VIRGINIA a teeny tiny 500 miles from where I live now! You see where my life is headed? Not done yet!

AND I started my period today. Which means when my husband and I drive this 5000 miles.. in a midsized car.. with a 10 year old boy, a cat, and a lizard, I'm going to be in prime PMS mode. Valium for everyone! Only One More Thing: (thank the gods)

My "message bean" which was supposed to look like this---

Instead died a gruesome and extremely smelly slimy death. So I did what anyone curious about how these things work would do. I autopsied it and posted the pix to Flickr.

So.. THERE! Stupid bean...

In the last 3 weeks

2007-05-23T20:12:00.001-04:00

I've also purchased a laptop PC. (Hi Moon) I took recommendations from friends into my idea/purchase....

I've now uploaded pictures of my last several weeks. However, the "smart connections" of my PC's wireless program is less than "smart"

Sooo The Pictures may not be in the correct order on Flick..They are true pictures...

Quick Recap of my life of the last 3 weeks.

2007-05-22T21:41:00.000-04:00

note: pix on my Flickr account will soon be available.)

My son and I, along with Chris, my cousin often spoken about here, Jim (Chris' partner) and Tasha (Chris' sister and breast cancer survivor) went to Universal Studios. Chris was the only grown person, much less man, that had his picture taken with Spiderman *cough . laugh ehem..*

The next day Chris, Jim, James and I went to the beach for the day (I'm still peeling by the way...the natural white-blue of skim milk of my normal skin tone is returning). The following day, we all attended Tasha's stunningly BEAUTIFUL wedding to a man I believe is truly worthy of her.

On the way home our normal route was shut down by the Florida Highway Patrol due to severe smoke from wild forest fires. As a result we had to come home by the "nothing within 100 miles" interstate... My car, admittedly has had a teeny bit of a slipping clutch for 2 months or so, DIED in the official middle of "BFN" Bum-fuck-nowhere. All four of us were stranded on the side of the road 130 miles from home and at least 50 miles from anywhere that had a hotel.

My insurance company GEICO checked around to see where the nearest KIA dealership was. Ha. It was 90 miles away... In the opposite direction to where we were going. Still they agreed to pay for 90 miles of towing in ANY direction I wanted.

I wanted it to the west to where I lived. We got a towtruck driver that bent the "2 passenger" rules to allow all four of us to travel at the same time. If he hadn't I would have had to leave Chris and Jim on the side of the road in the middle of NOWHERE for at least 3 hours till I could have borrowed a car to go get them.

Anyway. We made it home. I only had to pay $30, and only because we went 100 miles, instead of the 90 GEICO would pay for.

Since then my car has been in the shop. Now going on 10 days. Geico, I thank you, repair shop, you better be as good this time as the last time I used you.

Sigh

The End of an Era

2007-05-06T01:42:00.000-04:00

It's official. I have moved to my mother's to wait out my last 6 weeks in the US.

I lived for 9 years, and all of my son's life (that he can remember anyway) at my last address. Before I closed the door for the last time I walked through empty rooms, and I did feel the weight of all those years. However, I wasn't melancholy, or even terribly upset to leave it behind.

My thought: I've lived here 9 years. And now I'm leaving to start the rest of my life.

Since I'm moving to Canada I've either given away, donated, or thrown away 90% of everything my son and I owned. It was incredibly liberating to look around and think, "Ah Screw IT!" and toss it in either a box or garbage bag.

You quickly realize how little of the "stuff" you have in your home really means anything, or matters in the long run. For me the vast majority of my stuff was only there out of habit. I found things I didn't even remember ever owning!

It's a wonder Chris and I have never

2007-04-29T06:15:00.000-04:00

been either physically ejected or asked to leave a store.

Saturday morning he came over to help me move some things I'm giving to my Aunts (They have a thrift/antique store). When we got to mom's house and unloaded, I ran in to use the rest room.

My three week overdue (because of stress I'm sure) period had landed, and it wasn't being subtle. My slacks and underpants were not fit to wear. So, I rooted through the clothes that I had brought with me. I found underpants, roughly 308 shirts, but not one pair of slacks.

*cue the Jaws music* Time to look in mom's closet. I found a skirt that fit. It was a floor length, casual beige cotton, with a ton of trim and embroidery. I've seen that style of skirt called "bohemian" "hippy chic" or "Renaissance". Either way it's more foo-foo than Poodle day at a dog show.

I like simple clothing; this explains my shuddering. I stepped out of mom's bedroom wearing my shirt (tan, simple, unadorned), my mother's beige "a trim store exploded" floor length skirt, with my well-broken-in sneakers peaking out from the hem. Since I'd known we'd be moving boxes, I wasn't wearing make up, and my hair was thrown up in a quick bun held by a hair clip.

Chris looked at me and said, "So we're eating at a drive through right?" I rolled my eyes and told him what happened as I climbed into his truck.

Store # 1: We stopped at a gas station to get a few things. I asked the clerk for a small bag since the skirt didn't have pockets. My exact words were "May I have small bag?" The clerk looked at me oddly. I said, "The little one that people use for one beer will be fine."

Chris couldn't help it, it was the skirt. It was too much for his sarcastic nature to hold in.
He said "I didn't think that Mennonites were supposed to expose themselves to corrupting things like beer." I shot him a very non-Mennonite-like look, all while his lips twitched.

When we stepped outside I said, "You should be glad I didn't BUY a damn beer after how this mornings been going. And I don't even like beer." We were laughing as we drove off.

Store # 2:We had lunch and since we were right next to it, we went into the Dollar General Store to see if they had a pill splitter. As we passed a shelf of towels, Chris starts telling me that his partner doesn't like big fluffy towels; he likes the thin waffle weave ones.

Keep in mind, we weren't whispering, just the normal voice you use with a shopping buddy. Oh and I was dressed like a "Mennonite minus the bonnet" (pffft whatever).

Me: Really?! Les loves the waffle towels too. I just don't get it. As far as I'm concerned, they are just dishtowels on steroids"

Chris: Yeah It's not like I have to be completely, totally dry. A few water drops won't kill me in exchange for the comfort of terry cloth.

Me: Oh I know. I was surprised Les liked them. I mean he's got hair. Lots of hair. After a shower I spend most of my drying time on my hair and crotch. But Les..He's just..He's just one big crotch...

Oh yeah, we cracked up. He understood what I meant and that only added to the humor.

STORE #3: Chris needed to drop of a movie he'd rented. As we were getting back into his truck, I asked if he wanted to rent a horror movie, then immediately retracted it saying I really didn't feel up to it.

Me: I think I'm just going to go home and cuddle with my heating pad. You know what! I want a realistic horror movie scene. You know a heating pad, and Midol Vs a tsunami-like period, with clots the size of grilled cheese sandwiches.

We were cracking up and grossed out at the same time.

Me: Yeah sorry, That one was a bit over the top. But we always have a good laugh together.

Pretty damn seldom....

2007-04-26T20:54:00.000-04:00

I happened to think of this today, and it sort of reflects how I anticipate my married life will be. I came across this on a thin sheet of old typing paper, written up decades ago.

I remember when I was little how my mother used to say that a soft answer turneth away wrath, but I always thought Father's system...a gay answer...was better. Later I discovered the best system of all, and I don't mean no answer; for you don't get anywhere in married life not having an answer.

It was a Chinese traveler who evoked the magic formula which makes quarreling almost impossible for my wife and me. One day, late for his train, he rushed over to the station baggage room, threw his check on the counter and demanded his bag. The attendant couldn't find it. As precious minutes went by, the Chinese finally could stand it no longer. He pounded the counter with his fist and yelled, "Pretty damn seldom where my bag go. She no fly. You no more fit run station than godsake. That's all I hope!"

Before hearing this, when anything of mine got mislaid around the house, I used to scream like a wounded banshee. But now I merely holler, "pretty damn seldom where my papers go!" In the old days, my wife used to come back snappily with, "IF you put your papers where they belong, you'd know where to find them!"-which is sheer nonsense.

I found the only answer to such a remark was, "You no more fit run house than godsake!", which put her in her place, until she learned to retort, "That's all I hope!", stopping the argument.

In silly old days I used to moan, "Why don't you fill out your cheque stubs properly?" Now I just say, "Pretty damn seldom where my money go. She no fly." And I get just as far as I ever did, which is exactly nowhere. As for the children, we never quarrel anymore about who is spoiling which. One of us merely look at the other and says in a resigned way, "you no more fit run children than godsake!" Which nobody can deny.

Well, there is is. Pretty damn seldom where you happiness go. She no fly. But if you don't try this next time instead of quarreling, you no more fit run marriage than godsake.

That's all I hope.

In the process....

2007-04-25T13:45:00.000-04:00

I was in the middle of typing up a note that it had "now" been 60 hours since I saw my cat when I heard one single meow.

You know how parents learn to pick their child's voice, cry etc out of a room of other kids. Well, I'd know my cat's meow anywhere. She doesn't do alot of talking/vocalization.. but she's mine.

Hearing that one Meow was like a shot in the ass. I started running around the house. I opened everything that was still closed (including Drawers in dressers, yes I was that worried), called her name and ... well.. nothing.

I started to believe I'd imagined that single "meow" out of pure want.

Then I found her.

Thank the gods. She hit the food and water dishes, went to her litter box and now she's the needy one. I cant even sit still for more than 10 seconds before she wants me to pet her. I'm so happy.

Luna AKA the last thing I need

2007-04-25T01:15:00.000-04:00

People say kids keep you on your toes...
Well maybe not so much as a cat. I've had my cat since I was 17ish.. Well over a decade.

She's the closest thing to a daughter I've ever had until I was married.

She's been missing 48 hours at least. My son is talking about the possibility she died. Did I mention my son and I have been opening cabinets and calling her name ALL DAY?! And truth to tell she's old.. even for a cat..

I don't know if I could deal with this right now. I'm moving out of the COUNTRY (US) In the next few weeks. And I know as stupid as it may sound... I've had her longer than my son's been alive. I cant imagine life without her. She's like another child to me,

He's my husband...

2007-04-21T04:42:00.000-04:00

Quickly, before I go to bed AGAIN, 90% of why my husband IS my husband is because he is one of the few people in the world that has seen me at my most "psychotic" and

1. Lived to tell about it
2. Still loves me
3. Doesn't hold it against me
4. (technically #3 part B) Understands when my past life moments revisit me.

I'm moving to Canada soon. Tonight I had a nightmare about my deceased brother. He traveled with me/us the whole time... UNTIL we came to the border of the US and Canada. Then he disappeared/abandoned me.

Even still. I was able to call my husband AT WORK and sob and moan for the better part of two HOURS.

May the Gods note: I love this man.

The Fish

2007-04-20T15:44:00.000-04:00

James went fishing with my mother's husband this past week and trounced the men by being the only person there to catch anything.

The Last Time

2007-04-13T19:59:00.000-04:00

I told Chris, my cousin, I loved him was when my brother died. I, almost, fell into his arms with grief.

Chris, had he been straight and not a family member, is my soul mate.

I cried on his shoulder tonight. Last night I hung up on my husband. I was baring my soul and he was buying cigarettes. PMS is somewhat to blame.. but even still.

Chris has told me he's not going to think about me leaving until it happens. Truth to tell...

I love my parents... I love my siblings, But the thing that makes me shake in my boots about leaving is leaving Chris.

He's my best friend.. often the only one.

Thanks Chris. As always, even on the phone, you are the one I lean on when life is hard.

Chris! (close your eyes) I love you.

An Empty room

2007-04-09T08:06:00.000-04:00

I took a wander through an empty room in my apartment the other day. It was a sort of sterile and lonely place. Oh, it has a bed, dressers, lamp, closet and such, but nothing else. No clothes on the floor, no marks on the walls, no posters. There are no handprints on the window, nor any scars or stickers on the drawers. It has been more or less like this for a year and more.

The other bedroom looks a bit more lived-in. There are clothes, dressers, and other things in there. But again, it still feels a bit empty and desolate. The whole apartment, really, is lacking in vital life. I've been loath to decorate, because it needs the input of two other people. If it had just been me, I'd have started to make it my own. But for this past year, I've been waiting to make it a home. Soon, I'll be able to put those finishing touches on a place that will feel more complete. Soon, pictures of my family will be joined with those of my new family. The walls will have things that will reflect a group of people in a loving home.....

And scratches, marks, kid shoes, high heels, three times as many toiletries, food in the cupboards, sugary cereals, more laundry................

I'm so very grateful that this will be happening soon.

The numbers

2007-04-04T17:08:00.000-04:00

I'm already doing the dates. James' last day of school is 45 days from now. I'm planning to leave my job in 51 days.

Then we'll start driving in roughly 78 days.

Can you tell I'm excited?

FBI, Thorough but slow....

2007-04-03T01:26:00.000-04:00

I mailed my first request for proof of "a non-criminal record" to the FBI in October. January came around and I'd not gotten a response. I checked their website.

Waiting list... 16 to TWENTY WEEKS long. Sweet mother of Abraham Lincoln...

On March 22nd I mailed a second set of "official" fingerprints and another letter requesting the information. I overnighted signature required this second request and wrote in blood red ink on every inch of white space on the envelope that it was a SECOND request.

I got it back TODAY!! They, actually, spent the time to locate my first request, and include it with my answer (including the 2nd 18 dollar money order).

All that they did was put 2 rubber stamps on the back of my first fingerprint card.

They say "NO ARREST HISTORY, FBI"

Jasus.. I've spent almost Five Months Of My Married LIFE waiting for a rubber-God Da.. uh .. I mean "God-Bless-America-STAMP!!!" Shit .. if I'd known that I would have forged it..

Son-of-a-biscuit-eater!!!

Nature or Nuture?

2007-03-27T22:55:00.000-04:00

I've not posted much lately. That can be caulked up to the fact I've had 4 dental appointments (2 for me and 2 for my son) and 2 vet appointments (for my cat) in the last 7 days.

Today my son and I went to the dentist together. He had to have a small filling. I was there for a cleaning.

Later, after the appointment, my landlord/babysitter called to ask who my dentist was. I told her it was Dr Lee in Gray Georgia. She said she didn't know him. When I asked why she was calling to ask, she explained that my son had told her that her her daughter knew him (the dentist).

I further explained, "His name is Daniel or maybe Denny, something like that... "

She suddendly said " Oh Danny Lee, yeah I know him"

My son, who has NEVER met a person he couldn't talk to at ease, while he had his FILLING put in managed to determine that my dentist knew my landlord's daughter. (note my landlord is 70 years old.)

How could two such INTROVERT (I make very few good friends, and even then tend to neglect them if/when "life" happens, his father was even worse) parents, as myself and his father, have such a gregarious kid? I have NO idea.

No more cave tours for me

2007-03-17T00:48:00.000-04:00

I spent the evening with my cousin and his partner tonight. Last weekend the three of us, with my son, toured 2 caves.

I'm glad we went BEFORE we watched tonight's movie "The Decent" This is a good horror flick. It is very gory in parts, made me and Chris scream out loud more than once, and has officially ended my cave touring forever.

Wow...

A weekend mini vacation .

2007-03-15T16:37:00.000-04:00

My cousin, his life-partner (Jim), myself, and my son left Saturday morning for a 7 hour drive to central Kentucky. We were off to visit a several places.

Dinosaur World was the #1 "real" reason for the trip. My cousin had seen it from the interstate on a trip back home months ago. We'd promised my son we'd take him to see it. Truth to tell we'd promised this to him for his birthday. Which was 2 months ago.

Even still. We adults were waiting because there was a possibility that my husband might come with us. Sadly that wasn't possible. So we planned the vacation with a few things in mind. We'd see Dinosaur Land, and the Mammoth Caves.

Yes, we saw Dinosaur World.. It was by far the most "cool" part of our trip.

The greatest picture of our trip, was one that Jim (my cousin's partner) and my son took. It was perfect. Jim is a 40+ year old man. BUT my son and JIM in a back seat is EXACTLY like having 2 - 10 year olds in the back. They were cracking up over farts.. They almost died laughing over the fact my son could pooch out his stomach and pop his top button! Both my cousin (Jim's "husband/Partner") and I had to yell over our shoulders more than once. "BOYS, DO NOT MAKE ME HAVE TO PULL THIS CAR OVER!!!" Then Chris and I would both would end up laughing at the pure oddness of it.

So yeah the picture of them being "eaten" was and IS the Picture of the trip!

My son had never had a chance to spend a night in a motel. He was sooo psyched. Motels in moves are SOOO COOL! Can you tell? Soo.. Sunday Morning we went to explore Caves.

Mammoth Caves!
Mammoth Caves (the largest cavern system in the world to be explored) was pretty boring. If you want to see huge caverns carved by water it's great. It's very dark, very dusty, very.. um.. boring.. Woo-hoo hole in the ground.. 2 hours of Big Hole In The Ground!!

Not so cool for us; Not what we expected. It was.. uh.. a big.. hole..

After that we noticed we had enough time to visit a "Tourist Trap" cave. I'll be the first to say. DO NOT visit mammoth caves if you want to see any type of "cave formation" Go to Diamond Caverns. OMG. .. The beauty of this 1/4 mile cave is almost impossible to vocalize.

STUNNING!

The more hilarious (read that sarcastic) notes of our weekend should be reserved for a different post... Still.. Mammoth Vrs Diamond Caverns.. Go for the Diamonds....

OH yeah, just in case you were wondering: you have 2 choices:

Snakes on a plane

OR

James (my son) in a Car.

We prayed for Snakes on a Plane............

Insomnia, and 3 Seasons of TV

2007-03-08T05:26:00.000-05:00

I've had severe insomnia, meaning I spend weeks, sometimes months, not sleeping more than 2-4 hours a night, for close to 20 years.

One thing most people don't know is that I do not watch television. Oh, I know you've heard that before, but I might watch 1 or 2 hours of TV in a month. And that only while I was passing through rooms at my mother's house, or out of politeness at some other relatives. I've never seen or wanted to a single episode of American Idol, the last Doctor I can remember watching on TV was Quincy, and the last series I liked was "that 70's show" which I stopped watching in it's third year.

When I hear of a TV series that I would have (I say "would have" because I almost never watch it when it's on TV) liked, I'll try to get an entire season of episodes to watch. That way if I do like it I'm not stranded and jones'n for the next episode, but if I don't like it.. Well, I'm not really committed.

My husband has tipped me off to several programs I've LOVED. A few others have pointed me to a few more.
Sadly, between stress and insomnia I've watched 24 episodes of a British comedy in the last.. hmm.. 4 days?!. Yeah, four days. You also have to take into account the fact I ONLY watch them between (roughly) midnight and six AM. It's even more ironic that it is me, the person who doesn't watch TV.

So where do my "sleep" hours go? I get home at 5 pm, supervise homework, feed and water the pets, and my son, of course. Then it's time for his bath, laundry and getting ready for the next day. My son goes to bed at 9:30 PM. I usually call my husband around 10 PM my time (8 PM his) We talk until 11 or 11:30, sometimes later, sometimes sooner.. but it averages out to about midnight by the time I find my bed.

Sleep, however, is an odd, and very elusive, deceptive and tricky thing. For months sometimes, I can only catch it my hand for only 1 or 2 hours a day. Sometimes, for a change I'll wake up every 30 mins to an hour, afraid every time I wake up that I've missed the alarm clock and will be or are late fore work. (woo-friken-hoo) A few times a year I'll sleep for 12 - 15 hours a day for 2 or 3 days. None of the results are satisfying, and I end up, at Seven AM to wake my son up and we start our day.

So .. we are at the title explanation.

As much as I've enjoyed this comedy series, I've watched all that I can for awhile. When this season is released I'll probably watch it, but for now it is much like masturbation.

I like the concept of it, but it has no more surprises. I've seen all the scenes currently available. I know all the twists and turns. All dramatic tension, and surprises are now known.

For the moment, all I can do is repeat what I already know. But, eventually one of two things will happen:

1. Either this year's season of the series will be released on DVD
or (pray for us)
2. I join my husband (May the Gods and the Canadian Government be willing). Then I shouldn't need TV or self indulgence.

Teaching definitions...My way

2007-03-07T21:10:00.000-05:00

Tonight my son (age 10) had to write 10 sentences using his spelling words. He HATES homework. After hemming, hawwing and trying to change the subject more than once I kept saying, "HOMEWORK!" At which point he'd drag along a few minutes before another diversion.

The third word was "Reveal". He says, "I know a great sentence. I will reveal your secret identity." This was complete with him walking across the room and pulling an imaginary mask off my head, and him making the Ta-DA! gesture.

I admired his sentence, and asked if he could simply tell me what the word meant. He could explain it in context, which is good. Ex: The map revealed where the treasure was. He then tried to go off on a tangent again. "Mom what if we found a treasure map, what would you do? (oh dear lord, rolling my eyes and thinking: Lather, Rinse, Repeat)

Finally I said, "If you don't sit down and do that homework I'm going to REVEAL how irritated I'm getting." He meekly went back to work.

A few minutes later: He asked me what "melancholy" meant (melancholy on a third grade spelling test?).. I defined it a being somewhat sad, or disappointed. Five minutes later he still hadn't written a sentence. I said icily, "You will be very MELANCHOLY if I have to put you on restriction for not doing your work!"

Meek, mild and diligent (for 30 seconds or so.. ugh!). The final word (praise the gods! the LAST word!) was "Sufficient". It was then after 9:00 pm. He should have long since been done with homework, showered, and ready for bed. I gritted my teeth through five more minutes of BS'ing before I said, conversationally, "You have SUFFICIENT time to finish that homework before I start planning how to hide your body! But ONLY if you get to work right NOW!"

He laughed and reminded me I'd go to jail if I killed him. I reminded him I'd have to be caught, and gave him our odd, and intentionally 'crazy eye' look. He laughed more ;) .. Oh yeah, you can tell I strike fear in his heart.. sigh

Brain Fart A.K.A. I've got 'married' thinking now

2007-03-07T19:18:00.000-05:00

For those that don't know my husband and I currently live 3500 miles apart. I'm in deep south-east USA; he's in north central Canada.

My husband called me a few minutes ago to ask me a question. I realized a few minutes later that I was out of cat food. So what did I do?

I called my husband to say, "Hey hun, I'm going to the store for a few things. Do you need anything?.. (I can hear him laughing at me, then it hits me).. err I mean have another question or something?"

He was laughing at me. With good reason.

MEN! What do you say?

2007-03-05T21:18:00.000-05:00

My husband recommended a British comedy show to me.

Here's a transcript of the part I have found, to date, most hilarious.
:Transcript:
A man defending lesbian porn found by his girlfriend.

Woman: Why {expanded question: do all the women in “Lesbian Inferno Spankings” want a spanking?}

Man: (weakly) umm.. sisterhood?

Woman: How could you possibly enjoy a film like that?

Man: (snapping under the stress of being grilled at a dinner party of SEVEN) BECAUSE IT’S GOT NAKED WOMEN IN IT! Look, I LIKE naked women, I’m a man. I’m supposed to like them! We are BORN like that. WE LIKE NAKED WOMEN AS SOON AS WE’RE PULLED OUT OF ONE! Half way down the birth canal we are already enjoying the VIEW!
{personal note: I was almost swallowing my tongue at this point to keep quiet while I BRAYED inward laughter while my son slept}

Man: (continuing) LOOK it’s the FOUR pillars of the MALE HETEROSEXUAL psyche WE LIKE:

1. Naked Women
2. Stockings
3. Lesbians
4. AND Sean Connery best as James Bond!

Because THAT is what Being A Boy IS! And if you don’t like it darling, Join the Film Collective {of lesbians}

Man: (Continuing in a maniacal speach) When man invented FIRE, he didn't say, "Hey! Let's cook!" He said, "GREAT! Now we can see naked bottoms in the DARK!" We've turned the INTERNET into an ENORMOUS database of, Naked Bottoms!!

(speaking calmly now) So you see. The story of man's achievement through the ages, feeble though it may have been, has been the story of 'our struggle to get a better look at your {pointing to the women of the room} bottoms'!

The men start to applaud.

By this point I'm almost dead. If I'd had enough oxygen to call for 911 I should have. I was truly almost paralyzed with sarcastic laughter!

Bad Weather, No School and a Haircut

2007-03-04T21:18:00.000-05:00

Friday morning I drove my son to school to find no one there. We'd had severe weather the night before, including tornadoes.

I called work to advise them I wouldn't be there, and then set off to buy my son some shoes, and get him a haircut.

We had to wait 20 minutes before they could cut his hair. He at this point began to, by his behavior anyway, edge over the abyss of death. When I irritably asked what was wrong, he claimed he was going to die of thirst any second.

I told him we'd get lunch after his hair cut. But no.. that wouldn't do. Surely by that time he'd have dried up, withered away, and have perished. *sigh. I fished a buck twenty-five out of my purse and bought him a soda.

He got his hair cut; I paid, and we headed off to lunch. I'd forgotten that I'd not activated my new debit card until we were in line to pay. I dug through my purse in search of cash. I was 98 CENTS short.

As we walked out the door my son looked at me and said in a reproving tone, "If you hadn't bought that drink we would have had enough money for lunch."

Grrrr...

Why I hate Canadians:

2007-03-03T07:37:00.000-05:00

This is a book my husband (a Canadian) gave me as a present some time ago. The book is by Will Ferguson, a Canadian.

Quite possibly the most hilarious moment in the book (from my viewpoint) is when the author is flying home from Japan, and by some chance is seated next to another Canadian. They get into a conversation about Japan, politics and why he is flying home. He asks her (and I'm paraphrasing from memory from here until I state so) why she is proud to be a Canadian.

She replies, "Well, we are .. Nice"

"Nice?!" Will replies. He mentions, sarcastically to her, that while Canada may not have the biggest, or most powerful military, financial, or economical influence in the world that they are "nice?" as the Mrs put it.

She sniffs and says, "Well, if you're nice all that other stuff doesn't matter." (end paraphrase)
---------------

The Canadian that wrote the book then goes into a diatribe that had me, AND my Canadian Husband truly CRYING tears of laughter.

He states how odd it is that most Canadians will say they, as a country, are "nice" and he points out that Canadians have taken one of the most bland and meaningless discrptives in the English language and proudly claimed it as theirs. NICE! We are NICE! AKA (my opinion) WE are mashed potatoes withOUT gravy!!!

Most Americans are Clueless. And I was too, .. until I knew, and eventualy married a man in Canada.

A World of Ignorance (and it's a small world, after all)

2007-03-01T03:38:00.000-05:00

My wife and I had a discussion this evening, after she endured a challenging day. She was certainly justified in her annoyance, although I came away feeling just as annoyed. I'd like to make a few comments about ignorance.

Here in Canada, we suffer from a decided shortsightedness regarding the United States. Most of what we exposed to is disgorged in the popular media. This being CNN, Fox, and the major networks. Movies and novels add to the mix. The general picture is that of a huge patriotism, great pride in the nation, and a celebration of their sense of being. Canadians, while not as demostrative about their country, do exibit these same qualities. However, I don't think we suffer from the xenophobia that one might see on Main Street USA.

Since my wife and I have been married, these four months, she has had a few people talk to her about when she's moving, and wondering why she is doing so. There are not that many differences between people in the US and Canada. For the most part, we watch the same TV, eat a lot of the same foods (except for some unique dishes I had not been exposed to when visiting the woman of my dreams), and have exposure to the same media outlets. Now, I grant, the Canadian slant to world news will be somewhat different, but generally we get the same sources for world news. There aren't that many glaring differences between us.

I have always had a belief that stems from something Martin Luther King said. In a speech he said something about not judging someone by the colour of one's skin, but by the content of their character. I paraphrase this in my own head, and just say that it's better to judge someone by their character, not by what they are. You know, I don't think anyone has ever asked me what my wife is; black, white, Jewish, Muslim, Asian, or whatever. No, I can't think of a time. But to be truthful, our ignorance is like our patriotism; something we hide. But it's there, all the same.

My name sounds like a classic American Jewish name. Funny that I've heard this so little. But the family, on both sides, are Christian from way back. And it's a German name, with roots stretching back to White Russia. Doesn't matter; I'm your typical WASP Canadian. As far as Canadians go, we got all kinds. We may look and sound different, some of us. But for the most part, we wave the same flag on Canada Day (July 1). And celebrate the differences.

If the above two paragraphs seem incongruous, it's true. Remember me mentioning content of Character? My other theory is that it doesn't matter where you're from or who you are, there is always the same percentage of boneheads in the population. Those precious few who see differences and can't stand them, because they are different. Perhaps in some areas, they cluster. I bring this up, because my wife has been questioned about the wisdom of marrying a "foreigner" and moving to a "foreign" country. And this happens continuously. Coupled with a birthday, and some family challenges, it was an especially crummy day. Due to the exposure to a slanted press, I expect, many people in her area seem to feel that if it's not in the US, it can't be good, healthy or pious, and that being exposed to these rogues are a danger to right-thinking folks. I've always wanted to be a rogue, just not in that way.

In a world of ignorance, it's easy to slap a label on people. But I learned long ago that folks are pretty much the same, and if they are open-minded to new ideas and people, they discover this. Regrettably, the percentages say that there are just as many boneheads here as anywhere else. I suppose the difference is we're more polite about it? To those people who think my wife is crazy to leave, perhaps that's the lesson they should learn.

Happy Birthday to me... (Red Clover)

2007-02-28T23:12:00.000-05:00

The past few days I've had a run of nonsensical songs from my childhood running through my head.

Comet! It makes your teeth turn green. Comet!! It tastes like Gasoline. Comet! It makes yo... ah Never mind.

Thoughts at forty-three

2007-02-26T00:37:00.000-05:00

I celebrated my birthday today, and although far from my family, it's comforting to know that they think of me on this day. I recently received such consideration from my sister and mother, in the form of a huge box in the mail. It had cookies, presents, and books to denote my getting a year older.

I also received the standard morbid e-card from my best friend; A Grim Reaper holding a piece of birthday cake, bless his heart. The cake looked remarkably like the cheese cake that I got at the local restaurant where I enjoyed a quiet dinner tonight.

Despite the distance from those I love, especially the wife and son, and daughter whose best wishes tonight I cherish most, I am not feeling discontented like I usually do with birthdays. I feel remarkably lucky. A wife who loves me. A new son with whom I look forward to getting to know. A family who thinks of me on this day. A daughter, who's success at school, work, and life makes me so proud. That, and the fact that despite being more absent then I should have been, MY GIRL still talks to me, and says I love you. I'm proud of you, Nikita, and bless your very presense in the world. Your success and love are a wonderful present. To my wife, I miss you, and look forward to you being here with our son.

Fine birthday gifts, indeed.

Old People are SNEAKY

2007-02-23T22:14:00.000-05:00

aka "I got played like a chess set" or as I like to think of it.. "Age Before Beauty"

My landlord is an older woman in her early 70's. We have a very good, friendly relationship. When one of us is going to the grocery store we'll often call and see if the other needs something; a loaf of bread, toilet paper, etc.

She got me good one night. She called close to midnight (not unusual we are both night owls). She asks if I've been to the store lately. I tell her no, but that I DO need toilet paper.

Then she check-mates me:

Well since you're going to the store tonight anyway, will you pick me up something?

Wow.. I was so stunned by that truly masterful move that I'm stammering.

Uh.. Well.. Uh.. Yeah sure.

I call my husband back and tell him I'm going to the store. I explain why and give a rueful laugh.
Sneaky, Sneaky, Sneaky....

Cookies and Manliness

2007-02-23T07:33:00.000-05:00

My wife of four months has a complex relationship with her family, and a sometimes uneasy relationship with mine. At least, certain members of it. This is a problem that has caused bitter discussions, as regular readers might know. It almost caused some hard thinking on her part on the idea of marriage, I expect. Still and all, we DID marry, happily. For that I am grateful. However, there are certain aspects of my relationship with my own family that must be as foreign to her as the very country she'll be moving to.

I am the youngest of my siblings, and although I am going to be forty-three this weekend, I still get somewhat spoiled. Now, granted, being the youngest child in a family does cut into your credibility. Sometimes, if engaged in a family discussion, I get looked upon as if my having an opinion is cute, at best, or seen-but-not-heard at worse. I still work at it, despite the problems that I might endure in regards to my impact on family dynamics.

Still and all, there are benefits.

Today, I received a rather large package that my sister and mother sent me....for my birthday. This file box contained such things as a coffee machine, coffee grinder, Starbucks coffee (not available here, unless you drive for twelve hours south), three novels, some pictures and cigarettes. Best of all, I got three containers of my mother's cookies. Now, I tell you, there is nothing better than Mom's cookies (No, your mom's aren't better, give your head a shake!). I do get indulged; no other kid gets cookies in my family, I'm pretty lucky. Peanut, chocolate chip, oatmeal cookies. Just lovely with the coffee they sent.

Now, I talk to my wife on the phone daily; this is the contact we have to maintain, given our current distance apart. It's not enough, but we get by. I tell her with some excitement what I got in the package, and I'm getting a less than excited response, for whatever reason. I suppose I understand this. However, she makes the point that, when she and her son move up, these packages might not come as often, or at all, as they realize that we make our own family circle. I have to joke and say " look, you don't HAVE to come up. That way, I could at least still get cookies! Or you could make them." She doesn't bake.

I ask her if she is upset with me getting a CARE package from home. I get the impression from her manner that I might be too old for such things. She insists she doesn't. I get defensive.

"Just because my mom sends me cookies, doesn't mean I'm not a man!!!"

'......................................'

That sets us off for fifteen minutes. Coffee was spit. Breath was lost. A lot of heeheeheeheeheehee. We must have sounded demented. Sometimes I can really blunder. Ah, well, I got mom's cookies. And I don't have to share. Yet.

Dentist

2007-02-16T03:42:00.000-05:00

One thinks that, on a glorious Sunday off (note, my job gives me Mondays and Tuesdays off; work with me...) on a long weekend (I took an extra day for overtime worked; I can do that), one can sleep in, think happy thoughts, and consider breakfast in an idle fashion. Then the phone rings. Dentist office. " Good morning! (cheery voice, Glad to be alive voice: uh huh, kill main destroy...) you're on our ASAP list; are you available for your extraction at 1.30 pm?

Tooth extraction, sure, be right down. Wisdom tooth, too. Should be fun! I'd have to wait for a month, otherwise. May as well go get this done.

I have an hour to make this trip. I show up after going to the wrong office, wasting half an hour in transit, and twenty bucks in cab fare. I get shown in to the office, and into the chair. There's a large tray, with a collection of vicious looking implements, and a cheery dentist. One who thinks things are just fine with the world. Here we go.

I won't go into detail as to the noise of the drill, or the grinding sound of the pliers (they DO use some kind of pliers, I noticed). Or the one time the dentist went '' OOPS!!", never a good sign from a qualified practitioner of orthodontia. Suffice it to say that I spent an hour and a half watching 'No fear' with that Osbourne kid on the ceiling television, repeatedly humming a Steppenwolf song, much to the delight of the assistant. ''You're such a GREAT patient!" Uh huh.

All this, while my head and jaw is jerked repeatedly back and forth, clamps grind into my tooth, instruments poke and prod my gums (not that I can feel it; not until later), and the dentist continually says ''Are you okay? Are you okay?" At the end, they had to leave a small bit of root in the gum, as it was jammed up against another tooth. This, they said, SHOULD be absorbed into the bone. Good thing, as they had to take out a chunk of jaw to remove the impacted tooth.

I've never had so much fun!!! Really! Dentists are not the horror for me that they are for some people. I think it's downright neato, when they go in for things like extractions or fillings. And I got left with a gaping hole in my gums, which is sort of neato, too. I got a full, and ongoing, description of what they were doing in there, which I find fascinating.

I even got to keep the tooth.

Shark Man!

2007-02-14T17:24:00.000-05:00

This mornings serious question from my 10 year old son.

Son: Why do women love it when guys dress up in a shark suit?

Me: WHAT? Is this a joke?

Son: No really I wanna know.

Me: Why do you ask? Where'd you hear that?

Son: You know! (making an exasperated sound like I must be dense) Mom! I know you know the song. It's the one that goes "Every girls crazy bout a SHARK dressed man"

ZZTop.. Of course. Why didn't I instantly think of that. *Sigh..

Monkey Turds.. G Forces, and aCat

2007-02-08T13:40:00.000-05:00

Though not always in that order; I give you:

My son hates it when I teasingly call our cat his sister. I justify it by asking him "Do I take care of, feed, and give her medicine when she's sick?" He grudgingly says yes.. "So I act like her mom, AND she's been around 4-5 years longer than YOU?" The laughing grunt: Yes... "Am I your mom?" Eye roll and a sigh.. YES, BUT that doesn't make her my sister.

G-forces, Discipline:

It's a private joke, much like when I was getting my hair cut and he was getting restless. I called him over and said (in a normal tone and volume) "Please don't make me kill you in front of all these witnesses." His lips twitched, "Yes ma'am" He sat down and behaved.

The woman cutting my hair about ruptured something trying not to laugh until he was in a seat in the waiting room. She then exposed me, as near as I can tell, to roughly the same G forces as an astronaut heading out of orbit as she spun my chair around so she could face away from my son and finally release her pent up laughter. She said it was rare to find a well behaved child that understood the concept of cause and effect. I pointed out he wasn't dead yet; she noted his unspectacular lack of fear. We then laughed and joked about some of the undisciplined heathens we've seen. But I digress....

I've had my cat for 13-14 years. I've spent a good bit of time lately worried she was/may be having off and on kidney failure. Her breath and saliva (you know cats lick themselves clean right? *shudder*) have been disgustingly rank. Even sitting in my lap the odor of.. well... um... it's a bit like... No it's exactly like unwashed, dirty ASS drifts up in a cloying cloud of funk.

I've figured it out! It's the food. I've bought this type of food for her before because (duh) she's an indoor cat. I never just change food. I always mix the new and old to ease stomach problems. Yeah. I put it all together this last time. Holy Crap! Her breath has been knocking soap scum off the tub for 3 days! I've been using the indoor food for .. HELL.. THREE days.

Is there a connection? I immediately , and I do mean right that second) stopped mixing in the indoor food and just continued the normal Purina senior formula. Holy smokes.. less than 12 hours later I can stand to have her within 3 feet of me!

I swear now that her breath and body doesn't smell like rotting rabid monkey turds I don't mind her being in my lap but she's taking it to extremes. She has responded by attaching herself to my thighs with some odd molecular glue. I can stand all most completely upright and she's still sleeping peacefully. Really NASA should study her.

It defies science and gravity. Now I understand religious folk.. You don't need science! You just have to feel the anti-gravity cat in action in your life... then you just believe.

Why I changed pharmacies

2007-02-08T11:57:00.000-05:00

After the last .. um service I received, I called the 800 complaint line for the company. I explained what had gone on the last time I was in the store.

The corporate representative I spoke to was.. to be honest.. speechless. She stumbled her way through an apology, advised me she had never personally heard of an "event" that disrespectful, and (her words) "possibly illegal". It's as illegal as HELL in the US to release ANY type of medical information to anyone other than a spouse without written permission, unless we're talking a minor then it can only be given to a parent/legal custodian/child protective services.

She promised me that the owner of that franchise would call me within 72 hours to discuss "what could be done to assure I was a satisfied customer". I truthfully explained to her that YES I wanted to speak with them. But that I'd never again enter the door of that location, and most likely never that company, regardless of location. Ehem, I didn't mention that I was moving out of the country soon... and so wouldn't have to worry about it anyway. I felt that would undermine my point.

She was good; I'll give her that. She could fake sincerity like few I've ever seen. I was impressed. I told her I'd consider my options in the future. The reality is I won't.

I've already registered our insurance information with a major chain-type pharmacy 25 miles away. I just filled 4 prescriptions costing $100 there. They have a drive-through! I've not used them more than once or twice in the past because they were horribly out of my way. But.. truth to tell the "doc in a box" (after hours urgent care, not quite enough for the emergency room.. but you still need {or think you do} a doctor RIGHT NOW) is only a few miles from them, and I have to pass them on the way back from our regular family doctor's office. From work it's only 5 - 10 miles out of the way. No matter... HELLO NEW PHARMACY!!

I've not heard from the owner of the "now defunct" pharmacy yet, but I'm curious as HELL to find out what tact they take, and how they plan to smooth things over. They can't NOT call. I have a valid reason to sue. I wont do it, but they don't know that. They will call.

--------------
More Horrible Analogies and Metaphors found in High School Essays (first installment):

"Oh, Bruce, take me!"she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on a $1-a-beer night.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

Am I Over-reacting?

2007-02-05T19:52:00.000-05:00

Ok .. Ok.. Background history. My son has a problem with his attention span in school. He's been on Adderall for quite some time to help treat it. After a week of really nasty side effects (hallucinations: he saw dead people in the bathroom, and a man in black with a knife in my bedroom.. oh and the shirt in the closet that had sprouted an eye.. All in my fully lit room bedroom tucked in next to me) we got his dosage right. And it's helped immensely.

I've gone to the same pharmacy for the last several refills of his medication. Last month they didn't have quite enough pills to refill it "properly" but I knew I could divide the dose if I HAD to. (I'm moving out of the country soon and my pediatrician and I have discussed what impact the move might make in my ability to fill his prescription and find a new doctor in Canada to continue it)

So we made due, at 1/2 his normal dose for the last month.

OK tonight I went to fill his refill and my prescription for Wellbutrin, an antidepressant. I've been having some trouble adapting to life where I'm married but can't see, touch, smell, or fornicate (hey! It's no longer fornication.. woo - hoo) with my husband.

I dropped the Rxs off 3 hours before hand. I get back to the store and ask for our medication.

Long story short:

They didn't have enough of my son's medication to fill it. I asked why not; I explained last month. She said she'd order more.

I said, " I can't believe you still don't have enough to fill it. My son's been on 1/2 doses since last month. That means he's good at school but at home he's a little.......um intense"

There were at least 6 - 8 feet between us. There were ALSO three customers behind me.

The Pharmacist said, " I guess that explains your antidepressants, huh?"

Pure cold shock kept my normally acidic sarcastic tongue dead in my mouth.

-------------------

WHAT THE HELL? I've got the 800 complaint number for this location. I've also gotten the store phone number. Tomorrow I'm going to call the manager and confirm the name of the Pharmacist. Then I'm calling corporate. Then I'll probably be calling the APhA.

My personal medical treatment had/has been told to everyone around me. Not to mention the derogatory tone of her statement for both my son's and my illnesses.

What if my son had been there? What if I was involved in a messy divorce and someone that knew my (hypothetical) husband had been there? What if my boss had been there?

She had NO right to make that statement out loud in a voice that could reach 6 - 8 feet.

Grrr

2007-01-26T19:58:00.000-05:00

I've lived in my current rental property for almost 10 years. I've maintained an aloof personality, with the understanding of my landlord.

She has advised new tenants that I'm a very private person; I do NOT allow intrusion in my life; She supported that.

However... Once in the last 10 years a situation has occurred that I, at great personal expense, involved myself in. I've never done so since.. the last "situation" broke into my house and stole my .38 gun and all alcohol in the house.. They didn't touch the many $1000's of dollars worth of electronics..... just the gun and alcohol. HUMPH

Still.. Even since.. 6 years later I've found myself, or maybe inserted myself, in a situation that I feel needs an "older, calmer head" (I'm 30, but far older.. and calmer than the others) to weigh the situation.

Damn it.. I'm a sucker for a young person in need of advice, for many many reasons, some personal... . Just .. Just don't ask me my opinion, or advice... ..

I should be a hermit! ARGGG!

-------------
To be fair.. I've not posted much online lately.

I've been trying to minimize a deep depression I've been battling for the last 3 or 5 months. Alot of it has to do with me not being able to be with my husband when he needs me.. or visa versa. So... If I've I known and loved you.. and havent talked to you lately.. .. Well, I'm sorry.

Sometimes faking it can become a form of hiding.. self protection even.. even if I've only protected myself from you.

Offical "WTF!" website of the day.

2007-01-12T22:31:00.000-05:00

Make sure you check out the "care of your bag" and the photos (dear god the photos)

Skinbag

ARRGGG .. Grammar

2007-01-07T01:02:00.000-05:00

Ok.. Anyone that has read this site for any long time knows I'm not a Grammar Slut...

But.. But..

I was watching a CNN report about the Denver Area Blizzard and the CNN chick said

"Is there any injury?"

I received a phone call this evening, and this came up in the conversation. The CNN reporter was interviewing a woman who had seen the results of a major series of slides on the road going to a ski resort. I discerned from my love that the woman being interviewed was not highly educated. So the answers to the proffered questions were less than stellar, perhaps. What REALLY surprised me was the way the reporter posed the question! I think my belle repeated it as "Is there any injuries?" Hello!? These are journalists schooled in this sort of speech? Common speech among folk is one thing (I is goin' to the Walmart.), but trained speakers? People that have taken some kind of Journalism course in a college or university? I have to say.....I is appalled!

2007-01-03T20:15:00.000-05:00

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can
submit their collections of actual analogies and
metaphors found in high school essays.
These excerpts are published each year to the
amusement of teachers across the country. Here are
last year's winners.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had
its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and
breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without
Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from
experience, like a guy who went blind because he
looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes
with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking
at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli,
and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that
sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had
disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as
a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond
exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like
a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole
scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're
on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at
7:00 p.m. Instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair
after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like
maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed
lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other
like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at
6:36 p.m. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m. At a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with
picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two
hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob
informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a
steel trap, only one that had been left out so long,
it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil.
But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you
get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical
lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually
lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and
extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a
fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing
kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought
he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing
up.

Wii = Crack

2007-01-02T18:37:00.000-05:00

We've had the Wii for a little over a week and have logged, between the two of us, over 75 hours of game play.

I love Zelda!

Merry Christmas All

2006-12-24T10:57:00.000-05:00

Well everything is ready here for a great Christmas.

James will receive most of what was on his wish list through a combination of planning, luck, and some kind acts from various people.

James will be getting his Wii, and Zelda: Twilight Princess (Thanks, in part, to my mother-in-law who enclosed a hundred dollar bill in our Christmas card)
Chris got him the antfarm
Mom and Rick got him Guitar Hero, a game where you follow along with the notes in songs by pushing buttons on a guitar.
The Good Samaritan kicked in the Goosebumps books
and I got him assorted board and card games, and one game for his DS.

This year I'm pulling Rank on Santa. The Wii will be labeled from my husband and me. Santa gets to claim all the assorted stuff.

True Christmas Heart...

2006-12-18T23:37:00.000-05:00

I got this email a few weeks ago. (It included my original post.)

OMG Santa Called Our HOUSE My son and I were talking about what he wanted for Christmas. I mentioned that Santa had called me yesterday to get his list but he hadn't made one out yet. He was STUNNED. "Santa. Called. Our. House?" he asked. Yes, he did. He does every year, was my reply. As we started making a list, Santa called back! Mom/Dad you can highlight the following few lines to read them: Basically I hit the "Ringer volume Select" button on the cordless phone.. Which, of course, made it Ring. I then had a talk with "Santa". James tried to put his head close to the phone to hear. Santa told me to tell him eavesdropping goes in the Bad column. Santa also wanted me to tell him that being disrespectful to elders (the babysitters) would be a HUGE mark against him. But.. Santa called to see if James had a Christmas list made out yet. He explained he MUST have the list before the first of the month in order to have everything ready for delivery. He's since come up with a LIST: Nintendo Wii Robo-Raptor Monster House (for PS2) Pokemon Monster Dungeon (for Nintendo DS) A Rock Tumbler GooseBumps Books Uno (the Adult Game.. he's had the "Dora" version for awhile) Any Tony Hawk game for Nintendo DS or PS2 He's not cheap is he? Santa BEWARE!

(email in question_
goosebump books? :D I've got some! They need a new home!
would he mind used condition in some of them? But damn if I could find a new and loving home for them, he can have them all!

I've got Goosebumps, ghost of fear street, scare yourself ones, etc. And even one of the two spoof books that came out. :D

*used to be such a nerd*

(deleted for privacy_ w/ address and comment of what I promised, and they're his! If you want, I could even wrap them in sets or so.

If I still had my old goosebump shoes I'd probably try and send those too.
------------------------
My Reply:

Hi:
He would not mind Used books. I'm an avid reader myself, my son has dyslexia...

Soooooo.. any books he likes and WANTS to read I'm all for.I can always tell him that Santa was making sure the books weren't too scary for him.. and well Santa dropped them in the tub or whatever... That'd only add to his joy.

I'd love any Goosebumps (or the same type of books) you could send him.

Thank you sooo much.

Red Clover (address them to James Clover)
123 Main St, Anywhere USA

Thank You so much.....
Red

AND HOLY CRAPOLA:::

A few days later I got box.. with well over a 100 books!!!!!!!!!!!! Woo Hoo

Then I broke my Ankle

UGH:

I heard nothing from that very very good Samaritan until:

I've heard back from a few people that they got their gifts that I mailed out the same time I sent yours out, so I'm just checking to see if your big ol box arrived yet or not. :)

--
Dyslexics of the world UNTIE

My response:

I did get the package and WOW That's a lot of books. Thank you so much. I'm sorry I've not gotten back to you sooner I broke my ankle and have been all but bed bound for the last 3 weeks.

Thank you again,
Red Clover

---------------
Next:

GS (Good Samaritan) Glad to hear they got there okay. James excited after seeing them all under the tree or are they going to be a surprise for Christmas?

Dsylexic of the world UNTIE
(GS)

---------------------
Me Again:
I've put out 6 *or so* of the packages that say "From Santa's ELF" many say santa's Elves..

He was amazed. "Santa's Elf" he gasped. Yes.. You never know what Santa and the Elves may come thru with, I said.

He is trapped in wonder..Most likely his last year of belief (sadly). He'll be 10 in January.

It's hard for me to express my thanks. As to your signature (dyslexics of the world UNTIE) My husband and I about ruptured our spleens laughing.

James IS dyslexic so ANY thing he WANTS to read I try to give him.

Thank You So Much

-----------------------------
FROM GOOD SAMARITAN: I had loads of fun sorting out the books to wrap them up (I put all the trilogies together, all the 'ghosts at school!!1!' books together, etc etc, remembering the stories the whole way).

I don't think I've wrapped that many gifts so quickly before! I was in a bit of a rush trying to get them all out in time. If you look you might find the two or three that I almost wrote 'To Santa' and creatively edited the name to James. ^^; And I even had a letter from the 'Elf' that I forgot to include in the rush. Hopefully the nongoosebump books I included fit his interests. :D (heh, you'd think my bookshelf would look more empty with all those books missing)

------------------------
Me:
You did Wonderfully, I thought so then. Even more so now, knowing your hurry.

I meant to mention to you earlier... There is a stuffed dog.. much flattened, but much loved (judging by the wear on his ears) tan body, darker ears, a belly that's almost orange-ie.. It was in the bottom of the box, and I didn't notice him till a few days ago was able to finish unpacking it.

Shall I send it back to you? I'm almost 31 but even I have a few beloved stuffed "babies" of my childhood and I'd hate to think you'd one day miss yours because you helped a "real life baby" of mine.

Thanks
"Red"

--------------------
"GS"
lol nah I put that in the top actually cause I was like 'OMG SPACE AND NO MORE BOOKS :(!!!!" and then realized I could fill the extra space with news paper after he was put in and was too lazy to pull him out.

---------
Me:
LMAO.. Whew.. James has fallen in love with that fricken stuffed dog. Maybe a sign from Santa himself .. Who knows what a kid believes.

-------------
I'd like to copy and paste some of our emails to my blog (I'll leave your real name and email out, of course) If that's OK. Let me know. I think it'll be a good "Christmas Spirit" etc etc.

All of this has meant so much to me.. It's hard for me to say... But I'm grateful, thankful, and (gods bless) you have a great sense of fun...

Thank You
Jennifer

P.S. If I can publish let me know. It's a good story for the time of year, if nothing else. I will, of course, include a link to your livejournal if you like.

-------------
I've not heard anything since though all you've read happened within 2 hours (excepting for my begging forgiveness for a fractured ankle_which Les can attest too)

There is no link to GS .. aka Good Samaritan on this site, I've not gotten permission from GS to go (ehem) public. However. .. If you want to send him/her thanks.. AND I Know You Well Enough (aka long time reader) I will GLADLY pass it on.

This GS was so good to me. They gave everything they had (that I'd needed anyway, and it's the same to my mind) to make sure my son had at least one great gift from Santa!!

Ewww

2006-12-08T22:10:00.000-05:00

James and I had our Immigration Medical Exam on Wednesday. The nurse handed my son a cup. My nine year old son, it should be noted.

She says, "I don't need you to fill it. Just up to this line. The restroom is right there."

James starts to head off when I stop him and ask if he knows what she wants.

James: Yeah, some water. (He helpfully replies)
Me: No, son. She needs urine.
James: What's Urine?
The Nurse: Pee-Pee honey.

James: EWWWWW (a look of pure horror on his face)
The Nurse: How do you think I feel?

The nurse and I were laughing and joking the whole time he was doing his duty.
----------

One more step in the process completed. It won't be long now.

Canadian Idiot - Weird Al

2006-11-24T19:31:00.000-05:00

I cracked up over this one.

OMG Santa Called Our HOUSE

2006-11-22T22:13:00.000-05:00

My son and I were talking about what he wanted for Christmas. I mentioned that Santa had called me yesterday to get his list but he hadn't made one out yet.

He was STUNNED. "Santa. Called. Our. House?" he asked.

Yes, he did. He does every year, was my reply.

As we started making a list, Santa called back!

Mom/Dad you can highlight the following few lines to read them:
Basically I hit the "Ringer volume Select" button on the cordless phone.. Which, of course, made it Ring. I then had a talk with "Santa".

James tried to put his head close to the phone to hear. Santa told me to tell him eavesdropping goes in the Bad column. Santa also wanted me to tell him that being disrespectful to elders (the babysitters) would be a HUGE mark against him.

But.. Santa called to see if James had a Christmas list made out yet. He explained he MUST have the list before the first of the month in order to have everything ready for delivery.

He's since come up with a LIST:

Nintendo Wii
Robo-Raptor
Monster House (for PS2)
Pokemon Monster Dungeon (for Nintendo DS)
A Rock Tumbler
GooseBumps Books
Uno (the Adult Game.. he's had the "Dora" version for awhile)
Any Tony Hawk game for Nintendo DS or PS2

He's not cheap is he? Santa BEWARE!

Oh the Cheese

2006-11-18T01:09:00.000-05:00

My husband and I often trade cheesy jokes. This one.. well.. You'll see...

-----------------

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears: BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind himÂ BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping. clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP...

The terrified man rushes upstairs to the bathroom and locks himself in. His heart is pounding.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door, bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of Robitussin. Desperate, he throws the bottle at the casket...
and,

(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)

The coffin stops

Permission Granted

2006-11-14T21:26:00.000-05:00

My son was looking at pictures taken while I was in Florida with my husband. James was being baby-sat by my brother and his wife.

Him: Mom, why couldn't I go with you?

Me: Well, it was "Adult Night"

He asked why he couldn't have gone anyway. I explained it was a time for my dad and stepmother to get to know my husband and for us to spend time together without having to worry if he was having fun or ok.

He thought that over and asked why I don't have "Adult Night" more often. I was silent as I pondered how to explain the somewhat reduced freedom I have now that I'm "mom".

Me: In life you often have to choose what's more important. For me it's more important to spend time with you and be a good mom than to go out a lot.

He thought that over while he stood next to me. He then placed a hand on my shoulder and said, in a decidedly parent-granting-permission-tone

Him: I think it would be alright for you to have an Adult Night everynow and then. Just not too often ok?

He then squeezed my shoulder and smiled down at me. Ugh! Curse me for sitting while he was standing AND asking his patented brain-busting questions.

--------------
At moments like these I can't help but think my father feels an unexplained rush of pure glee.

To Complete Sci-Fi Weekend

2006-11-12T21:41:00.000-05:00

I was going to watch Bridges of Madison County but wasn't fealing it.

So I finished off the weekend with

The Firefly Series
and
Serenity (The Movie)

--------
Thankfully James wasn't impressed with Howard The Duck, so I was spared that one at least.

The "X-Files"

2006-11-11T20:04:00.000-05:00

I've finally finished the Trio of movies.. after only 3 or 6 interruptions..

Most due to me being a "mom"

However, I wonder?

How many of you have a BLOOD relative, not a step, not an obscure aunt, but a mother, father, brother, sister or Self... that have seen, or otherwise, something that would fall in the

"X-Files" category.

To be frank, my own father has related to me (which he only saw once as a child), more than once his sighting of a "non-human" flying machine, which I scoffed at.

However.. That said.. Some ten years later, I could not explain a "something" I saw...

So.. What's your family story?

It's been Movie Day

2006-11-11T15:02:00.000-05:00

I've watched:

Xfiles
The Mothmen prophesies
The Astronaut's Wife

All pretty good.

My favorite Quote:

Mulder: Five years together how many times have I been WRONG?
Scully: (Dirty Look)
Mulder: While DRIVING anyway?!
Scully: (VERY Dirty Look)

X-Files is the only one I wished I'd seen in the theatre. Sigh.. Oh well

The most elusive Starbucks

2006-11-10T17:22:00.000-05:00

The last few times I’ve driven to and from Jacksonville Florida (via I-75S) I’ve looked for The Starbucks. It has assumed proper noun status in my mind due to its difficulty to find.

At least twice my cousin was with me as we searched for it. We’d see the billboard, note the exit number, and then .. and then.. Find nothing.

I was telling Les about this obscure location. I told him about my, now almost obsessive, desire to locate it, and my theory that it was only present in this dimension when moon beams fell on the spot while the wind blew from the north, and 3 yuppies had a vague desire for a “decaf soy frapi-capi-iced-froo-froo that only has one coffee bean in the whole cup” cup of flavored $6 water.

It’s unfair to make me stand in line behind people that spend 10 minutes just ASKING for the cup of stuff they want; I just want coffee. Coffee flavored Coffee. A bit of Cream and COFFEE, that’s all. I NEED coffee it is not a recreation or status symbol. It’s a medical need, really it is!

Les listened to my tirade and then he launched into an animated and jaunty spiel in a very Crocodile-hunter-ish way.

“We are on the trail of the most elusive Starbucks in the WORLD. Legend says it is located in this VERY area, but there has been NO confirmation by previous hunters.

Crickey! I see signs of it! (A billboard) We are surely closing in on the object of our hunt. Exit 16 and then TURN LEFT. Others before us have followed these signs and left dejected. SHALL we SUCCEED?”

All during this little off and on monologue I was laughing. James was mostly asleep in the backseat. We woke him up with our “weirdness”.

We exited the interstate and easily found the Starbucks. Clearly the moonbeams were properly aligned.

Woo-Hoo After ordering 2 large coffees and a few pieces of coffee cake we were back on the road. Ah... Coffee.

In the battle Man Vs Boy

2006-11-08T17:24:00.000-05:00

Boy Wins.

On Wednesday after the wedding we called and made an appointment to get our pictures done, picked my son up from school and got him back into his suit and headed for ABC Insurance.

My co-workers had made me promise we’d stop by while dressed in our wedding finery.

There Les learned a valuable lesson. Kids are cute. Kids are WAY cuter than brides and/or spouses.

All the introductions went something like this:

Me: This is Les, my new husband (beam with pride)
The Co-Worker: Hi Les it’s nice to meet you. OH MY GOODNESS LOOK AT JAMES! Oh I’ve not seen you since you were this tall.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

If we were lucky we’d get to talk for 2 or 3 minutes BEFORE… OMG is that JAMES. OH you’re SO Handsome! (They beam at him with something like pride)

James ended up having a long talk with a group of my (female) co-workers about lizards, snakes, etc. My former supervisor, Jim, was about to break his neck listening in and watching James. Of course Jim loves all children so that wasn’t unusual.

Les and I wandered around somewhat disjointedly as cries of “Ohh Look there’s Red’s SON” and the chorus of Awes went around. It was like being at a Bingo Hall.

Kids, ‘specially a cute kid, make my co-workers lose their heads a bit.

Wedding Cont. & What's that?

2006-11-08T17:21:00.000-05:00

Needless to say we drove to Alabama and were married in the company of my cousin, my mother, and my son.

It was indeed “colorful”. The security guard kept whispering to Les every time he passed “Don’t Do IT”

The judge was great and personable. He offered some very good advice. The key to a happy lasting marriage is to realize you have habits which will irritate your spouse. They key is to recognize them… and stop.

As we were leaving and taking pictures outside a strange woman passed by and hissed “See you in two years” for divorce court I could only imagine.

Colorful indeed, hmpf

After the wedding we had dinner at Red Lobster, and then headed to the bed and breakfast. We had a wonderful room, with a large metal, old fashioned, claw foot tub.

I took a wonderful, long, lavender scented bath. It was heavenly.

The room was very hot, but otherwise well appointed and beautiful. Breakfast in the morning, which we were late for having told her we’d eat a nine, but not waking up till 9:30, was wonderful. A nice egg, turkey bacon, and cheese breakfast casserole, biscuits, banana bread muffins, sticky buns, fruit compote, orange juice and, of course, coffee rounded out the meal.

We toured her home, said our goodbyes to Miss Amelia, and headed to my house.

----------------------------
Les has since made note of the fact we call people “Miss whatever” I work with a Miss Mary, Miss Lucy, etc.

I explained it’s a form of respect usually used with your elders, friends of the family type people. My father is known as Mr. Vic to the kids in his neighborhood. It’s just a southern thing, I guess.

A few other “Southern” things Les asked about:

We went to dinner at a buffet.

Les: What’s that?
Me: Black Eyed Peas
Les: What’s that?
Me: Lima Beans
Les: What’s that?
Me: Fried Okra
Les: What’s that?
Me: Collards (Collard Greens)
Les: What’s that?
Me: Pulled Pork

Me: And THAT is bread. (That earned me a dirty, but amused look from my love)

Oh so bittersweet.

2006-11-06T18:09:00.000-05:00

Today I realized that my brother died 3 years and 15 days ago (two days before I got married).. And I never once thought about him on that day.

Thank you, husband, for giving me a reason to be so very joyous at that time as to obliterate a few of the most painful days of my life.

However...

John, Rest in peace, you are still well loved and missed.-

Aunt C.. Thank you for your emails about my/our wedding. They were greatly apprecated. Especially the first, that one made me laugh.. and laugh. Forgive me for not calling you yet to express my thanks. I'll try to visit this weekend. I've got GREAT pictures to show you.

You know? The Original plan was to have you officate at the wedding.

Why I don't do karoke

2006-11-04T02:02:00.000-05:00

My father sings professionally. My step-monster . uh I mean moTHER, sings as well. They are GREAT

My husband was a bit perturbed at me for not getting up and singing at the party we attended with my Father and Linda a few days (count 'em THREE DAYS) after we were married. L, my step mother sang a song for us .. We danced as a COUPLE for the first time then......

He, maybe, doesn't understand the fear and pressure I feel when they are in the room. My father (and Linda) are PROFESSIONAL singers. Les can fuck up a song and it's nothing and no reflection on them (dad). Sorry, hun I couldn't explain it then.. I'm sure(/hope) you can understand at this time.

If I butcher a song... Everyone there knows I'm V and L's daughter.. And I can easily imagine this "Oh My Fuken Godness.. She sucks donkey dick!!! Are you sure V didn't adopt?!?"

I don't sing in public.. Not out of fear for my reputation.. But more from fear of public opinion..

Yep.. Even I am a slave to opinion sometimes.

-----------------
As an aside.. Les sang 3 songs.. and DAYUM he was GOOD. Dad and L, thought so... As we were leaving he was complemented by a group of other professional singers that were there that night.

That's MY HUSBAND! Rowr.. mmmm.. *evil grin**

----------- More on that night when it's in the right time frame.. . ha ha ha.. I have a pic of Les dancing "Kentucky hick" style right next to the Gent (read that MILLIONAIRE dressed as a pimp) that lived next door to Ronny VanZant/Lynyrd Skynyrd/Free Bird.. A friend of My father's.. umm no pressure for me.. Oh yeah.. WTF EVER!

Wedding Story Part 1

2006-11-03T17:12:00.000-05:00

Ok Ok .. I’ll finally get around to it. Shesh…

I picked him up from the airport (after a very nerve wracking drive) at 11 pm Sunday October 22. We made it back to the house near to 1 in the morning and crashed.

Monday the agenda included picking up our marriage license and getting suits for him and my son. I’d called over 6 weeks ago and verified we’d have no problems getting a license. They suggested we just come in 15 minutes before the wedding and pick it up. I thought it’d be a good idea to go ahead and pick it up the day before… Just in case….

Hmpf. They wouldn’t give us a license without the signature page of his divorce papers. When I’d called I’d specifically asked if he would need it and they said he wouldn’t since he’s been divorced more than 5 years.

We called his ex to see if she could fax it to us. We called the courthouse where the divorce was finalized. They couldn’t fax it to us; it had been sent to Victoria for storage since it was over 7 years old. Pam couldn’t find her copy.

ARRRGGGG We decided to call the judge the following morning, Tuesday… The day she was booked to marry us. Since neither of us could sleep we also did research on Florida, South Carolina, and Alabama marriage laws. Alabama would be able to marry us if the Judge couldn’t help.

With a “Plan B” hatched and thought out I was able to sleep… until about 4 or 5 in the morning at least. Then we waited.

The judge said, basically, “I can’t issue a license; if the clerk won’t do it there’s nothing I can do.”

We fumed, we fussed, we cursed under our breath… we called my mother and told her we’d be leaving for Alabama in one hour and if she wasn’t in the car she would be SOL.

ROAD TRIP!

I asked my fiancé if he wanted to change into our finery at mom’s. “And then drive for three hours in those clothes?” he asked.

Me: The alternative is changing in a gas station bathroom

Him: It’ll be ok. It’ll add COLOR!

Me: Welcome to my life

{Insert hysterical laughter by both of us}

Stress, thou are my master.

More to follow:

I went.. and

2006-11-01T01:37:00.000-05:00

Jasus.. I'm OLD.

I ending up dancing with a kid, I'm pretty sure I have UNDERWEAR Older than this kid...

He asked what "I" was doing up there. I told him I'd just gotten married a week ago. He asked if it was a man or worman. I told him a Man. He asked if "my man" knew I was at a queer bar.

I told him he did. He asked if "my man" had a problem with it. I told him that "no my husband knows me, my ways, and knows I'm here tonight"

I had a GREAT time.. and then a few moments later I went to the Ladies room. The woman in there said and I QUOTE "You're a bit old to be up there aren't you?"

WOW What a crushing statement. I'm only 30.

Sigh..I'm glad I didn't shave my legs for this... :p

Ah Decisions

2006-10-31T18:57:00.000-05:00

My cousin, and his ex (they've been together 5 plus years before they "broke up"), umm.. or something.. have invited me to go out with them tonight for an "Adult" night. I think it's part Take-pity and part the ex has never seen me in a gay bar.

Either way...

Do I wear the outfit that made my husband think "SIN SIN SIN" even after we were married and it wasn't a sin.. Or the outfit he's not seen..? Hell even better.. Do I go?

Things that make you go "Hmmmmm?"

Part of me wants to go because I LOVE gay bars.. Part of me wants to wallow in the self pity of he's-not-here! Lets-eat-a-shit-ton (a technical term see the last post)-of 'maters-and-cucumbers.

Yeah Im a freak

2006-10-31T17:06:00.000-05:00

I've talked to both my husband and my cousin...

I've indulged my "self pity husbands not here" by gorging on Tomatoes and Cucumber slices...

FREAK!!

Yeah well I had gastric by pass surgery 5 years ago. I still can't eat much sugar without wanting to DIE!

So when I feel the need to feed my pity.. I choose wisely..

Pity VS Death.. Pity ALWAYS wins..

So I buy wisely when I think/know I may eat for emotional reasons...

Sigh

2006-10-30T19:30:00.000-05:00

7:30 PM Eastern

At the Zoo
Originally uploaded by red clover.

He's on his way home. I've gotten back from the airport. This will be the last time (gods willing) I'll have to see him leave us.

Next time I'll be going home with him. My son will follow a few days later by air with my cousin (or that's the plan for the moment).

The bottle of Champagne my mother bought for us, that we never got around to drinking, mocks me from the fridge.

--------------
10:00 Pm Eastern
For the Photo Hounds there is a shit-ton (Now with 33% more shit than a cubic ton!) of pics on the Flickr account. They aren't in chronological order for those of you that may have seen some. I'll wait a week or so and them put them in the proper order... You'll still get the idea.

----
Oh and I ended up pouring out the Champagne. It was too smug and reproachful in there.... Real posts about what we did, said, where we went etc will follow in the next few days. I'm not up to it tonight.

Formal Photos

2006-10-26T21:12:00.000-04:00

The only thing better would have been having his daughter in the picture with us.

We did it!

2006-10-25T12:37:00.000-04:00

We had to drive to Alabama to do it... but we are now married.

Tuesday 7:30 AM

2006-10-24T07:47:00.000-04:00

I'm supposed to be getting married in 6 and a half hours, but...

There's been a paperwork problem. I'm just waiting for Nine AM so we can call the judge.

90 minutes. What an incredibly long time. It doesn't help we've been up since 4:30 AM. Neither of us able to sleep.

Even if we can not get our marriage license here, we have an alternative, namely Alabama. It means a 3 hour drive but we can get it done if we need to.

79 Minutes.. ugh

Rae & Anna

2006-10-19T17:10:00.001-04:00

Ya goobers! Of course we'd like yall to witness. I was thinking more along the lines of "middle of the day on a Tuesday" most people aren't home to watch the webcast.

sheesh :P

Pffffft.. Tol 'ja

2006-10-18T21:27:00.000-04:00

Before we get around to the tol'ja so..

My mother and I were talking about the wedding tonight. She'd like to have it at her house. I told her "no". My beau and I discussed it and decided not to go that route. The ONE advantage would have been the ability to webcast our wedding. However a quick appraisal of that option quickly showed only one person would see it, Moon..

While Monette is a valued friend, who we'd love to "witness" our moment.. It's not worth the risk of having that special day happen at mom's house. Moon of all people will understand. So.. In the mean time we are scrambling to find someone w/ a camcorder we can borrow. It's always something!

A post I made a long time back (November 2004) that now is so .. "Told Ya So"

Kids keep you on your toes...

2006-10-15T22:43:00.000-04:00

Now to put my life in perspective... Please bear in mind that two, only two, days ago I had to try to explain how different variations on animals are bred i.e. How do we get black labs, or those freaky goldfish with bubble eyes. I did pretty good. He already understood the idea of DNA from a previous aneurysm inducing question.

So tonight. On the way home from the store he poses this challenge (keep in mind he's NINE):

Mom? How does the world turn around like that while we are in the store?

What you mean like why does the planet turn, and make day and night?

No. Mom when we left the house was on this side (right hand) now we are coming back and the world has flopped! Now its on THIS side (left side)

Oh.. Oh.. That's just the way you see it. It's what you perceive. The world didn't move, we are looking at it from a different direction.

I don't understand.

When we get to the house I'll explain.

(insert Jeopardy theme song here)

Ok. (We are standing in the livingroom next to his homework table) Imagine this table is our house

(looking at the table with something like disdain he says in a totally deadpan voice) hmpf kinda small.

SON!

Ok. Our house. Yeah.

Ok now imagine your room is Milledgeville.. Walk towards Milledgeville. What side is the table, or our house, on?

The Right.

Ok. Now Stop and pretend the kitchen is Macon. Walk toward Macon. Ok What side is the table on?

The left. Wow.

Exactly, the table didn't move. The direction YOU are going in changed. That made it look diffenent. You perceive it as having changed, when really only you did.

AND.. AND THEN.. As if that wasn't enough!

A few hours later just before bed:

Mom?

(sigh, I recognise the sound of that "mom?") Yes son?

Why is it ok (socially acceptable) for us to see a dog's vagina, you know while she's walking around and everything, but not a human's?

Because she's a dog. She doesn't have thumbs and so can't pull up pants. Now, go to bed. (insert the sound of utter intellectual weariness)

The Shoe Epic and other related news

2006-10-15T09:25:00.000-04:00

Well.. Where to start?

Let me summarize.

I need WHITE shoes. In. October.

Dante had nothing on my cousin and me. We went to at least 15 stores. It doesn't help I have large feet. But still!

We found a pair, that while not really my style, Fit and are WHITE... in the 3rd fecking Payless Shoes we visited yesterday.

Chris asked what I'd do if my beau didn't like them. I snarled back "Too fuken bad! He better pretend to like them. He better rave about them. He better swear he likes them so much his only wish was that they made them in a size HE could wear"

Needless to say after 7 hours and over a dozen shoe stores (including ALL of the stores in the mall) I was a tad touchy about the shoes.

--------------------------
So.. Checklist

Dress. Yes! It arrived Friday and is beautimous

Shoes. Yeah I got the damn things.

Headwear.. Yep

Just kidding. But you see how much fun Chris and I, a camera and a Macy's can have.

Here it is. I've got a small amount of veil material I'm fooling with to see if I like the option of attaching a small veil to it.

At least Dad's calm

2006-10-12T21:22:00.000-04:00

Prior to panic.. I ask you listen to my hick son in audio post 2 days ago.. Hick boys too cute to miss!

Then return for my panic

--------------
I talked to my father about the wedding.. He was a blase as my step-monster(uh.. mother) was 4 weeks ago.

My beau.. He's old fashioned.. I gave him the cell # to reach my father..

We'll see. Either way. Wedding in .. ACK!!!!!! 12 days! OMFG. I still need shoes.. FUCK!!! I still need to get the Goiter-damn DRESS by POST..

.. ARRGGGG... ACK!!!!

Did I mention I don't have shoes yet?!?

Arrangements and apologies

2006-10-12T05:07:00.000-04:00

On behalf of Renee and myself, I should offer apologies for not letting those that read this regularly know that we are going to be getting married. We were trying to arrange flights for myself from the armpit of the frozen north. We also had to break the news to my family, which was a bit of a challenge, as they weren't very enthusiastic when we planned this last time. In retrospect, I sort of think that they were concerned about my ill health, as it was discovered that I had Lofgren's syndrome. You can easily find that on the internet. However, this has passed, and if we don't have raw excitement from my family, so it goes. At least they aren't rattling my chain over it. I cannot tell you how happy I am about marrying this lady. It's been a long time coming, and I'm just now getting impatient to travel down to join hands and hearts with the one that I love.

The one thing that we couldn't arrange was getting my daughter to come. She is in her last year of high school, and has dreams of being a social worker. She told me that she couldn't afford the time off from school, and I can't begrudge her that. She has her future to think of. Although, in my secret heart, I think she is saying that to ease my conscience somewhat. Flights are expensive, and between all of us, it would have been challenging (but not unattainable) to fly her down. We thought we had it figured out. Still and all, it won't be an ornate ceremony, but it will be very nice. I'll let my fiancee' describe some of the things we'll be doing in 11 days; she's more literate than me. Thanks to you all for your good wishes to this point.

My Hick Son

2006-10-11T21:29:00.000-04:00

powered by ODEO

Translation:
Me: What are you going to do?

Son: Ok We are gonna go to Toot’s. First we’re gonna drive up to Toot’s. Then I’m gonna get some long boots. And Toot’s gonna take me where that big ‘ole lake is. Some parts are over my head, but, and there’s some snakes over there but that’s why I’ll be wearing very long boots. It takes one bite of my boots, but I’ll be wearing those long ones.

Me: And what are you going to do while you’re there?

Son: Fish, I’m gonna catch a giant catfish. They got giant catfish over there, ‘bout this big. Bout big as that trout I caught.

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Oh yeah, and I'm getting married in 13 days. Yep. Me. In. White. Married.

Of course Chris, my cousin was talking about giving me away. I quipped, "I don't need to be given away. It's been given away more than fruit cake."

Random realizations

2006-09-29T05:44:00.000-04:00

If your trying to find a Starbucks** and you see two Car-Title-Loan places... Turn around. If the neighborhood is hawking car titles, they can't afford a $6 coffee.

I was leaving a gas station one morning and pushed on the "Pull" door. I am pathetic enough that: 1. I actually noticed the "Pull" sticker. 2. I was directing sarcasm at myself. "Oh yeah, I'm a rebel now. I pushed the PULL side, where's my Harley!"

Kids have brain functions that make it physically impossible for them to comprehend the put-it-back-where-you-found-it philosophy. Need proof? I submit as evidence the question my son asked me a few days ago:

Son: Mom?
Me: Yes.
Son: Why don't you ever take a bath, or even a shower?
Me: wh-wha.. WHAT?! I take my bath while you are sleeping.
Son: No you don't. Everytime I get in the shower the soap, shampoo, and all that stuff is always where it was when I got out the last time.

Me: (why me, why me!!!) That's because I put things back where they belong! Hard to believe I know.
Son: (looking at me skeptically)
Me: Ok.. Do I smell like -name of the mentally challenged handyman guy that lives near us-?
Son: No.
Me: Exactly!

---fast forward to this morning---
My son wakes up and sees me with wet hair and wrapped in a towel as I duck into my room

Son: Wow! You really DO take baths!

humph. Yes, yes! He's still alive.

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**(incidentally, I'd always wondered why I got the impression the Starbucks chick in the logo seemed to be tucking her legs behind her head. Seems I wasn't far off. This is a good article about the evolution of the logo)

For Mortal Stakes

2006-09-25T00:51:00.000-04:00

Ever make life decisions based on a poem?

Yeah, me either. However, they can sometimes provide food for thought. Consider this piece from a Robert Frost poem....

“But yield who will to their separation,
My object in living is to unite
My avocation and my vocation
As my two eyes make one in sight.
Only where love and need are one,
And the work is play for mortal stakes,
Is the deed ever really done
For Heaven and the future's sakes.”

I happened to find a portion of this in a novel that I was reading recently, and it sort of resonated for me. Enough for me, at least, to bend to the task of finding the rest of the poem. They are easy to find, in these time of mass communication.

Although Frost was writing about yielding an axe to a couple of tramps, who wanted to take over his woodchopping for money, the real message was, of course, different. One often can get more than one bit of wisdom from the written word.

Love really is like this; it's work, disguised as play, for mortal stakes. One seeks it out, embraces it, enjoys it, and works hard to keep it. This is something for me to keep in mind, if I want to have any kind of a future with a partner that I love very much. Keeping it in mind will remind me that anything worth having and enjoying, is worth working hard for.

Fluffy

2006-09-18T23:41:00.000-04:00

Fluffy
Originally uploaded by red clover.

Ahhh

The sweet innocence of youth.

Not Fluffy

2006-09-18T23:39:00.000-04:00

Not Fluffy
Originally uploaded by red clover.

What a difference a hair cut and 30 minutes can make.

Cinder-fella

2006-09-16T23:30:00.000-04:00

My son has spent this weekend doing menial, but very physical labor. He has scrubbed the kitchen floor on hands and knees, folded/hung/put away 4 loads of laundry, picked up tiny pieces of shredded paper that had fallen out of a box of glassware, washed windows and has not gotten to play any type of electronic entertainment.

Tomorrow's To Do List will include: Cleaning the bathroom, picking up yard trash, and washing the dishes.

Why? Because he's screwing off in school.

I got a call from the school Friday. His state required testing has been going on since Thursday. He was ignoring the test and after being scolded several times, sighed and started filling in random answers without reading any of the questions. He'd filled in the "bubbles" on parts of the test they hadn't even given yet. So... he ended up in the office.

I wanted to make sure he'd have a pretty accurate idea of what kind of work would be available for a highschool drop out and/or illiterate.